by Elys Dolan
“HA HA! How Hilarious! Brian’s a GIRL!
“That violates the very first rule of the Guild of Wizards!”
Terrence looked toward the other wizards. “See! Brian can’t be the winner of this fight, because she’s not even a real wizard. Brother wizards, we must banish Brian immediately! Girls can’t be trusted with magic. She’ll make everything all girly.”
Brian was surprised to find she didn’t feel afraid that she’d been found out. Actually, it was quite a relief, and for the first time in ages her face wasn’t itchy. What she was starting to feel was angry. She’d just done some pretty amazing, if fairly porridgey, magic, better than any of these wizards. How dare Terrence tell her she wasn’t a real wizard? What does making “everything girly” even mean?! Brian was about to porridge the lot of them when the Librarian stepped forward.
“Do you know what, Terrence? I’ve had enough of your bullying and I’ve had enough of these rules! Do you know the reason I don’t wear clothes is that Rule 88,765 says the Librarian must be nude during working hours?! That’s ridiculous!”
“Then why are you nude during your time off?” asked Clive.
“That’s a personal preference. I say enough of these rules and no more lies! It’s time to tell the truth.”
“All I ever wanted was to properly organize magic books,” said the Librarian, “and I don’t see any reason why I shouldn’t be able to do that, beard or no beard!”
“I just wanted to play Magic Ball professionally,” said Clive.
“And I just really like the hats!” said Arnold.
Terrence seemed to be having some trouble processing what had just happened.
“Fine!” said Terrence. “I don’t want to be in a place with no respect for the rules, anyway. First though, I’m going to have my revenge…”
CHAPTER 23
Outside the Guild of Wizards, things were very different. Wizards were throwing off their beards, celebrating, and no one was worried about being late for dinner.
“I think I’m going to write a new edition of Wizarding for Beginners,” said Brian. “There’ll be lots of suggestions, handy hints and tips, and a whole chapter on porridge. Look, I’ve already made a start.”
“I’m still working on the structure,” said Brian.
“Amazing! That’s a book I want to read. You’ll have to send me a copy for my book club when you’re done,” said Dave.
Brian looked a little crestfallen. “Are you sure you don’t want to stay? We could start a book club here?”
“That is very kind Brian, but it is time for the next adventure!” said Albrecht. “I must reunite with my family and find some way to communicate with them. This adventure has taught me that no goat is an island and friends and family are über-important. Also, I am really super glossy, and that is a marvel that the world must see.”
“That’s as sentimental as Albrecht gets,” smiled Dave. “I’m going to meet them, too! I hope I make a good impression. Can I keep this hat? I think it’s very smart.”
“Why not?” said Brian.
“Über-magischer Brian,” said Albrecht. “What did you do with the wand? Power to destroy such glossiness cannot be allowed!”
“Don’t worry,” said Brian. “I’ve given it to someone who I’m sure will take very good care of it.”
Dave and Albrecht said goodbye to Brian. They promised to send many letters and exchange porridge recipes and haircare tips. Then they set off to find Albrecht’s family.
“What will you do during our journey, mein Dave?” said Albrecht.
“Oh well, the Librarian gave me a little light reading. That should keep me busy for a bit.”
Some time and several books later, Albrecht was reunited with his family. Even though they no longer shared a language, it didn’t seem to matter one bit.
AND THEY ALL LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER:
After realizing the rules aren’t always right, Reginald quit working for Terrence and now defends talking animals who have been wrongly accused of crimes.
Andrew has been promoted to Senior Assistant.
Brian published her book (which was very well reviewed in the Castletown Chronicle).
She was declared Senior Wizard by popular demand and started her own book club.
As it turns out, Barry did miss home and needed a hug. Pansy helped him find his way back to the jungle. Pansy’s self-esteem is now very high.
The Amazing Arnold’s love of squirrel parfait led her to open a restaurant. Now she’s Castletown’s best-known celebrity chef.
Magical Mark rather liked her fake beard, and to this day still wears it in the bath.
Clive is now a professional Magic Ball player. She was recently sold to Goblin United for the record sum of $12 million.
Having lost his voice, Terrence took a job as a mime artist and now does children’s parties.
He still doesn’t think he gets enough respect, but Miriam thinks it’s the best thing that ever happened to him.
After recent events, the Librarian decided it was time to catch up with some old friends.
Dave and Albrecht are currently taking some time out before the next adventure comes along. Dave has kept up the magic, but Albrecht still finds it suspicious. On the first Sunday of the month, Brian joins them for breakfast.
Finally, Albrecht did publish his autobiography. Dave isn’t sure how accurate it is.
And so, I battle with my lifelong nemesis, the dummkopf wizard.
At last I defeated him with nothing but my good looks.
Once again, I was a hero, and Dave was very impressed.
Albrecht’s German for Dummkopfe
auf wiedersehen – goodbye
dumme – stupid
dummkopf – fool, blockhead (singular)
dummköpfe – fools, blockheads (plural)
guten tag – good day
Herr – Mr.
hintern – bottom
Ich kann sprechen – I can speak
ja – yes (pronounced yah)
kleiner – little
magischer – magical
mein – my
mein hintern – my bottom
mein Gott! – my God!
mein Dave – my Dave
schnell – quickly
über – outstanding, utmost, extremely
wunderbar – wonderful
More from Dave and Albrecht…
Dave dreams of being a brave, knightly knight—saving princesses, riding a majestic steed, and protecting the kingdom from all evil-doers. And when he finds a very special book, Knighthood for Beginners, his quest to become a knight begins!
Accompanied by his trusty steed, Albrecht, he duels with the strongest and bravest knights in the land. But his toughest test comes when he has to convince the court that being rather small, distinctly green, and, frankly, A DRAGON, is no barrier to knighthood.
Prologue
There was once a dragon. A dragon called Dave. He lived high in the mountains surrounded by the bones of those who had dared to trespass near the dragons’ caves. He was the most terrible of dragons, with scales, and teeth, and horns, and feet…
… no, wait. Hang on a minute. I don’t mean that kind of terrible. I mean he was terrible at being a dragon.
You see, all dragons must abide by Dragon Lore.
A dragon must hoard gold, gems, and all riches. He must manage it wisely and keep it tidy.
A dragon shall tell riddle after riddle with vigor!
A dragon must feast on nothing but villages.
A dragon must knit, because of all crafts, knitting is the f iercest..
To be honest, no one really understands about the knitting thing, but they do it anyway because that’s the way it’s always been.
Every dragon must master the Lore by the time they come of age and take their Dragon Test. When he’s passed the test, a young dragon will receive his certificate and become a fully licensed dragon.
No one has ever failed.
<
br /> But Dave might be the first.
He’d been up all night studying, and first thing that morning Dave’s parents came in and said they needed to have a “serious talk.”
“Listen Dave,” said his fearsome father. “As you know, you come from a very old dragon family. We’re a proud line of the most dragony of dragons. There was your grandfather who had the biggest hoard since records began, Cousin Myrtle who once ate six villages in a row, and your Uncle Kevin who knitted that lovely hat.”
“What we’re trying to say,” said Dave’s massive green mother, “is that you’ve had the finest education, the best knitting tutor a gold hoard can buy, we’ve taken you to gourmet villages, and taught you our most cryptic riddles. We’ve tried our best to make sure you’re ready, but your father and I both know you’ve never been the most talented dragon.”
“You spend too much time reading those books and not enough time actually being a dragon!” said Father.
Dave has a thing about books. It all started when Dave was a baby and his parents went on a village-tasting tour. They left him with his Great Aunt Maud, who was a librarian. (Even dragons need librarians.)
It had a big effect on him.
And ever since then, Dave feels about books the way everyone else feels about their favorite teddy bear. If they’re not a dragon.
Dave’s father bent down and looked him in the eye. “When did you last set fire to anything?! Have you eaten a single village? And you never even finished knitting that pom-pom hat…”
Mother shot Father a stern look. “Now, Rupert, we said we were going to be calm about this. David, today is your Dragon Test, and it’s very important to us that you get your certificate.”
“Get out there and eat a village, son,” said Father.
“And don’t forget your yarn!” said Mother.
“Assume your positions!” yelled the Dragon Test examiner.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Elys is an author and illustrator currently living and working in Cambridge, England. She works predominantly with ink, newfangled digital witchcraft, and colored pencils, of which she is the proud owner of 178, but can never seem to find a sharpener. When not drawing pictures and making things up, Elys enjoys growing cacti, collecting pocket watches, and eating excessive amounts of fondant fancies.
Knighthood for Beginners was Elys Dolan’s first young fiction book. It was shortlisted for the Branford Boase Award. Her hilarious picture books have been shortlisted for The Roald Dahl Funny Prize and Waterstones Children’s Book Prize, and nominated for the Kate Greenaway Medal.
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Text and illustrations copyright © 2017 Elys Dolan
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eBook ISBN: 978-1-64517-358-8
eBook Edition: July 2020