by Loren, Celia
He's just not quite the person I thought he was. I pictured him as more of a rebel, wanting to truly find himself as an artist, and now it turns out that he's only interested in commercialism and fame. I can't believe this…am I really thinking about breaking up with him? It's going to seem so out of the blue. But I suddenly feel so sure that's what I want to do. And it really wouldn't be fair to him to string him along anyway.
I stand up, take a deep breath, and flush the toilet, for appearance's sake. I square my shoulders and walk back down the hallway to Miles's room. He's got his camera in his hands again, snapping away at something on the street. As he turns to me and I get a glimpse of the sun bouncing off his cheekbones, I feel like I'm in high school again and nerves begin to bubble in my stomach.
"Miles, I don't know quite how to say this…I've never done anything like this before…" I stumble. He smiles, and actually looks intrigued. I rush on. "I'm sorry, but I don't think this is working."
"What?" he asks, a frown snapping across his brow.
"I don't think we should see each other anymore. You're great, but—"
"Is this because I asked you to spend the night? If you're not ready to have sex then—"
"No, that's not it. I am ready, just not—" I stop myself from completing that sentence. I don't feel ready to have sex with Miles, but I don't want to bring up the fact that there's someone else I do feel ready to have sex with. I clear my throat and take a different tack. "It's not about sex. I just think we're not the right…fit for each other," I finally say.
"Fuck, I can't believe you're breaking up with me," Miles whines, shaking his head.
"What does that mean?"
"I mean, you're hot and everything, but you were no one in high school," he replies, spreading his hands in an apologetic gesture.
I feel momentarily stung, but to my surprise I begin to laugh. "Yeah, and we're not in high school anymore," I say, then grab my purse from the edge of the bed. I march out of the building and straight down to my car.
On the drive back to the house, I'm surprised by how calm I feel. I just broke up with my first boyfriend! Shouldn't I feel more…angsty? Well, I suppose my lack of feelings only validates from me that I did the right thing. And besides, if I were upset, I'd probably be wishing that I weren't.
As I head around the driveway with my windows open, I can just hear grunting coming from the side of the house. I park in the garage and leave through the side door that spits me out on to the back yard. Jack is weaving through a series of dummies, a football tucked in the crook of his arm as he practices plays.
"Looking good!" I call out. He stops and looks up.
"Stop objectifying me, Bree," he replies.
"I meant the play!" I answer, rolling my eyes. I raise my hands just in time to catch the football that he lobs at me.
"You hanging out with Miles tonight?" he asks as I look down at the ball. My hands are small, so I have to position my fingers at the back of it, but I make sure to get a good hold on the laces.
"No," I reply as I heave the ball back. I'm pleased to see it follows a perfect spiral as it flies toward Jack's chest.
"Nice," he says appreciatively, and throws it back. "I was thinking, maybe it's time for some more advanced training."
"Oh?" I fumble the ball slightly but manage to keep hold of it with the tips of my fingers.
"Well, I imagine things are progressing with Miles, so…" I toss the ball back. "But if you want your first to be with him, I get it."
The gears in my brain begin to grind overtime as I think about how to respond. "No, it might be a good idea for us to…just so that when Miles and I do, I'm really good at it."
"Good," he says with a grin. "As long as you're sure." I nod, and he throws the ball back, making me turn and run a few steps to catch it over my shoulder. "It's good that you're dating him, so that our thing can just be for fun. Certainly makes my mind rest easier."
"That's…great," I reply with a forced smile. The ball slips at the last second as I throw it back, and lands at his feet.
"So tonight, then," he says, picking it up.
"Tonight."
Chapter Nineteen
I know it's wrong to have sex with Jack under somewhat false pretenses, but I also know that I'm ready. Really ready. The feeling causing the butterflies in my stomach isn't nerves, but excitement. And maybe a tinge of guilt.
If Jack knows that I broke up with Miles he'll feel more pressure and worry about me getting attached to him. I can't say that's a completely unfounded worry, because the truth is that I am attached. Maybe it was inevitable, I don't know. But I'm one hundred percent sure that Jack is who I want to have my first time with, and I'm worried if I tell him the truth about Miles, it will never happen. It's also true that I could wait until I find someone else, someone who's not Jack or Miles, but patience has never been a virtue of mine, and somewhere deep down, this moment just feels right.
I shave my legs, and everything else, with extra care, taking the time to luxuriate under the hot water of my shower. It's not like I think losing my virginity is going to be some magical experience and the heavens will open up to a choir of angels, but it does feel like a special night. A girl only loses her virginity once. Not to mention the fact that I've thoroughly enjoyed everything that Jack and I have done together thus far, or that he has done to me, and I imagine sex will trump even those delightful experiences.
After I dry off, I pull on a t-shirt and a pair of cotton pajama pants, leaving my hair damp and trailing down my back. I close my door behind me as I step into the hall, and creep down towards the third floor stairwell. I tiptoe up the stairs and then to Jack's door. I knock softly and let myself in without waiting for him to reply.
He's standing by the bed with all the lights off in the room except one small bedside lamp. He looks up as I enter and reaches forward with one hand to smooth a towel over the bed.
"What's that for?" I ask as I shut the door behind me.
"Well, you're so little, and I'm so big…" he trails off as he walks around the bed, meeting me at the foot.
"Oh, I'm going to bleed aren't I?" I realize.
"Maybe," he concedes. "But we'll go really slow. You sure about this?"
"I'm sure, and stop asking me," I say with a smile, wrapping my arms around his waist. He reaches down to pick me up, bringing me to his lips. My body shivers with pleasure in a way it never did with Miles, and I know I'm making the right decision. He turns around and walks me back to the side of the bed. With one hand behind the back of my head and the other around my waist, he lays me gently on the bed, then slips down next to me.
His other hand spreads under my t-shirt and across my stomach. I smile as his fingers brush against a slightly ticklish spot on my side, and reach down to the hem of his shirt. He reaches up one arm so I can pull it off, then shifts his weight so he can take it off the other. Then he reciprocates, reaching for the bottom of my shirt and pulling it off over my head. I let my head sink down onto the pillow under it as he bends his head down, covering my right nipple with his mouth. I gasp at the warm, tingling sensation as he sucks and kneads it with his tongue. My mind jumps to wondering about what will happen later, and I pull it back to the present moment.
He moves his mouth to my other breast and his hand to the one his mouth just vacated. I arch my back, pressing my breast into his warm, calloused palm. I reach up and spread my hands across his back, feeling his muscles ripple over his wide ribcage. I press one up over his shoulder and then across to his neck, trailing my finger into his short hair.
His head begins to move down, out of my reach, as he alternately licks and kisses down my stomach. His fingers curl around the top of my pants and he tugs them slowly down, his mouth following the trail of exposed skin. Just before he reaches my mound, his mouth pulls away, and I feel him slip my pants off my feet and toss them to the floor. I feel his breath on my inner thigh as he presses my knees apart.
He takes a long, slow lick
of my opening that ends with a soft flick of my clit. I moan and my fingers grasp for something to hold onto, and find the towel at my sides. He sucks on my clit and then flicks his tongue back and forth across me. The sweet sense of pleasure that builds up inside me is tinged with anticipation of what's going to happen next.
He shifts his body ninety degrees to get a different angle on me, and I slide my hand over his stomach as his mouth is still buried against me. My body jolts with every movement of his tongue, but I manage to hold my concentration enough to pull his sweats down around his hips. I wrap my hand around his cock, feeling the veins cross under my fingertips, and then the soft skin of his tip. I run my hand up and down it, knowing that soon this throbbing member will be inside me.
I begin to stiffen as an orgasm builds, but just as it's about to burst forth, Jack pulls his mouth away. My eyes flutter open and see him reaching toward the bedside table and pushing his pants all the way off. I feel my first flutter of nerves as I watch him rip the condom packet open and roll it down his cock.
He smiles at me when he notices me watching, then turns and carefully lays down on top of me, resting some of his considerable body weight on his elbows. He softly kisses my cheek and then works his way over to my ear, biting the lobe as I feel his right hand wrap around my knee and pull it waist high. He releases my leg and I keep it where he has positioned it. He reaches down again and I feel his cock slide down my wet clit and then stop over my opening.
His lips return to mine and my eyes open. He's looking down at me with an intensity I've never seen before. I feel transfixed by his gaze.
My mouth opens with a gasp as he thrusts inside me. The pain is far more intense than I imagined, and he freezes immediately, probably only an inch into his progress.
"Sorry," I whisper.
"Don't apologize," he says with a smile. "Do you want me to stop?"
"No."
"OK, then take some deep breaths. We'll take it as slow as we need to," he murmurs, and takes my arms and places them around his neck. I follow his instruction, taking a deep sip of air through my mouth, and after a couple breaths, I feel the muscles between my hips relax and the pain subside.
After another moment, I feel him begin to move again. My eyes are closed, but I can feel him watching me. He only makes it another inch or so before I tense up again. I take a deep breath and move my other leg up on the towel. That position helps a bit, and he begins to move again.
My brain feels like it's overwhelmed with all the new sensations I'm feeling. Pain, excitement, pleasure, and a sense of extreme fullness that I've never experienced before. I feel him stop and glance up at him questioningly.
"I'm all the way in," he explains, and gently circles his hips to demonstrate.
"Oh!" I breathe, as my attention is immediately drawn downward.
"How does it feel?"
"Well, it hurts," I answer honestly. "And it stings, actually. But I like it. Keep going."
He gently begins to pull out, and for the first time I feel an ache that has nothing to do with pain, but is instead a longing for him to return. I feel just his tip inside me, and then he begins to move back in. The pain returns, but a bit less this time. When he is all the way in again, I smile at him, and he pulls back out, then thrusts in a little faster.
"Again?" he asks, pausing to look down at me.
"Yes, please," I reply, feeling breathless. "I'm beginning to see why you like doing this so much." He grins, and pulls back out. With his next thrust, he curls his hips upward slightly at the end, and I gasp as his tip hits directly against my g-spot.
I wrap my arms more tightly around his neck, and he lowers his mouth to mine. Or lips open to each other as his hips pull back and press in again. I can feel my entire body shaking as the pain begins to fall away, replaced with quivering desire.
"Faster," I urge him, and he complies, grunting as he presses back inside me. I cry out with pleasure and he thrusts again. Our mouths find each other and we hungrily press our tongues against each other as our bodies find a rhythm. My moans of pleasure are swallowed in his mouth as an all-consuming orgasm builds inside me. I feel less in control than I ever have before, as my body begins to shake and spasm of its own accord, with Jack driving me on.
My head tilts back and away as I cry out in an agony of pleasure. I hear Jack grunting on top of me, a deep sound that comes from the base of his chest. My legs twitch softly as he slows down and finally stills. I gasp for air, and feel sweat running down my cheeks and mingling with his.
Finally, he pulls his head up and places a soft kiss on my lips, then slowly rolls over onto his side. He reaches up to my face and turns it toward his. His eyes probe mine.
"You alright?" he asks, pushing a strand of sweaty hair out of my eyes.
"More than," I reply with a smile. "That was…" I trail off, needing time to process the experience. "I'm exhausted."
He stands up and pulls the condom off, tossing it into the trash. "Come on, let's get you cleaned up."
Chapter Twenty
I press against Jack to keep warm as we wait for the bathtub to fill with water. He wraps his arms around me and rests his chin on the top of my head. He releases me to step forward and shut the water off, then steps inside the huge Jacuzzi tub and offers me his hand.
I take it and step up and into the water. It's the perfect temperature, and we sink down into it together. He stretches his legs out on either side of me, and I lean back into him, nestling against his chest.
I feel a soreness and stinging between my legs as the water swishes around me, but it's not uncomfortable. I actually feel completely at peace. I wonder briefly if Jack takes a bath with all the girls he sleeps with, if this is just part of his pattern, but I push the thought out of my mind. I feel him shift under me, and he takes a washcloth from a silver hook. He presses it down into the water, then slowly rubs it up and over my shoulders. He continues down my right arm, and a contented smile spreads across my face.
I must have fallen asleep, because the next thing I know I'm being wrapped in a robe and carried back to bed. I watch Jack pull the towel off the bed, a small spot of blood visible on it, before he pulls the covers back and places me down into it. I feel the mattress depress as he sinks down next to me, and I curl up against him, hooking my leg over one of his.
I don't wake up again until the morning light is shining through the gauzy curtains. I begin to sit up and then freeze, remembering that for the first time, I'm waking up next to someone else. Whenever Jack and I have hooked up previously, I always leave his room right after. I let my head fall back against my pillow, and look over at him.
He's lying on his back, one arm flung carelessly over his head. He breathes through his nose, and his left eye twitches slightly. I wonder if he's dreaming, and what he's dreaming about. I know I should get up and go back to my own room. Ray wakes up early, and I can't imagine what would happen if I ran into him in the hallway.
But I don't want to leave. I want to wake up with Jack and spend the whole day with him, and then come back to this bed in the evening. I want to learn every inch of his body, and I want him to learn mine.
He must have seen I was asleep last night and he didn't wake me up to tell me to leave. Doesn't that mean something? He wanted me to stay the night.
Reluctantly, I ease out of the warm bed, knowing that I have to avoid Ray. I stare at Jack for a moment as I stand next to the bed in the robe he dressed me in. He looks so peaceful. He's really quite funny, and smart, much smarter than I thought he would be. He makes me take things less seriously, and knows how to get me out of my head. I just feel safe around him.
I blanch, and hurriedly begin to get dressed. I creep toward the door, and don't look back as I quietly shut it behind me. I fly down the steps, pausing at the second floor to look around for Ray. He's nowhere in sight, so I hustle down to my room and jump into bed, pulling the covers up to my chin.
These…feelings, yes, feelings, I have for Jack…they sca
re me. From the beginning, he warned me against them, and I thought he was being arrogant. Maybe it was me who was being arrogant, thinking I could have a physical relationship with him without developing an emotional attachment. But I don't think that the way I feel can be explained away through post-coital chemical releases clouding up my brain. Maybe the physical stuff made me get attached faster, but I think it would have happened anyway, just through spending time together. Though I have to admit that I also love the way he treats me in bed…thoughtful, tender, but rough when I want him to be.
Also love. Also love…No. No, no, no, Bree. Oh god, have I let myself fall in love with Jack?
I raise my head and begin to slam it back on the pillow. Stupid. So stupid. And hopeless. He made it so clear that there would never be any chance of us having a relationship, and now here I am pining away for him. I wish I could be angry at him, but he asked me again and again if I was sure I wanted to keep going, and I kept reassuring him that I was fine.
I'm tired, but there's no hope of me falling asleep. I can vaguely hear the rest of the house waking up, but I stay safely ensconced in my bed, staring at the ceiling as I think about what I've gotten myself into.
It's only a matter of time before he brings another girl home, and then I'll have to sit here alone in my room pretending it doesn't bother me. When the football season starts, he'll move back to his penthouse and bring the women there, but maybe that will be even worse because I'll probably never see him at all.
The wise thing to do would be to stop sleeping with him immediately. Cut off contact and only see him when absolutely necessary, but I can feel my body begin to rebel at the very thought. I've only gotten to have sex with him once, and it was…indescribable, really. And if I'm already in love with him, then what's the harm in continuing? I could have the heartbreak now and have no more great sex, or I could have the heartbreak later and lots of great sex in the meantime.