by Katie Kyler
I sighed. My best friend kept telling me I needed to be more confident. So I read one of the quotes that I’d tacked above Bub’s picture. What you send out to the world comes back to you.
I opened my desk drawer one more time. The bottle of Highland Park Dark Origins, Joshua’s favorite liquor, was still there. Like any responsible woman with a giant crush on her boss, I’d overheard him talking on the phone one day. He mentioned this being his favorite drink and I’d been waiting for the perfect opportunity to give it to him.
“Hey you,” came the chipper sound of a male voice.
I slammed the drawer shut.
“Oh, hey.” I tried to sound casual. Jamie Tolbert, Joshua’s brother, was peering over my cubicle wall at me. He couldn’t seem to stay in his office; I’d once heard Joshua joking about gluing Jamie’s ass to his chair, just to make him get some work done. Jamie was a good guy, but nothing compared to Joshua. He shared the same shade of brown hair and the same strong nose, but Jamie always tended to look a little unkempt, a little less polished.
“Check out my new running magazine.” He held up the cover and raised his eyebrows, trying to make me laugh.
“Yoga and quiet hikes are where it’s at,” I said, smiling. It was an old argument that we both seemed to enjoy replaying.
He coughed, and it sounded like, “Boring.”
“Aren’t you supposed to be working in your office? Do you even know where it is?” I joked. I didn’t want to take it too far, though. He was a nice enough guy, and pretty charming, but it was obvious he was jealous of his brother. Joshua was the CEO. Jamie was second-in-command, and even then he didn’t really seem to fit the part or get much respect.
“You know, I am supposed to be working,” he chirped back. “But today is Friday, and I’m ready to be out of here.” He clasped his hands behind his head and tried to look cool. It just messed up his hair even more. “You got any plans tonight?”
I shrugged. I’d probably just go home to watch a movie with Bub, but it probably sounded pathetic, especially to someone like a Tolbert who was rolling in money. Someone else walked past and asked Jamie’s opinion on a marketing issue. He gave me a limp wave and reluctantly walked off with him.
As soon as he was gone, I took the opportunity to look into the hall once more. Joshua was no longer in front of his door with the advertiser, which meant he’d probably seen her to the elevators on the other side of his office. He usually did this with visitors to the office…not that I paid attention to his habits. Much.
I grabbed the liquor from my drawer and jetted across the hall and through his open door. I dithered for a moment, trying to decide the best place to set the bottle. Center of the desk like a target, or off to the side like a vase of flowers?
Center. Definitely. This was the kind of gift that begged to be noticed.
But as soon as I was about to set it down, Joshua popped up out of nowhere.
There we stood, face to face. He must have been looking for something in the bottom drawer, blocked from my view.
Worst timing ever.
My cheeks blazed. I started to run my fingers along the frayed edges of my short brown ponytail. I twisted a loose piece and tucked it behind my ear, my special nervous tic.
Joshua looked amazing, not awkward or frazzled like I felt. His stubble framed his jaw line and gave him that rugged look I always loved on men in magazines. I once told my best friend, Jess, that he could have been a male model if he’d wanted to. She was skeptical until I pulled up a photo from the Scintilla website. “Put it away,” she’d said. “Quick, before it melts your phone.”
“Happy birthday,” I finally blurted. I wanted to sink through the floor.
He appeared unimpressed. “Thanks, Abby.”
Abby? My name was Allison. It was like a pit had opened up in my stomach, I felt so hollow and empty. I thought he would have at least gotten my name right since I’d worked at his company for three years. I could feel my ears getting red now, along with my cheeks. How could he mess up my name? In my mind, this was where he was supposed to jump up and thank me for the gift, then ask me out. But instead, he just bent down and continued to rustle around the papers in that bottom desk drawer.
I set the bottle down carefully, then backed out of the office, one invisible step after another.
Chapter 2
Joshua
It had been a long morning. I was used to handling multiple projects at once, but sometimes all of the intricacies at Scintilla could get overwhelming. It had taken over four years to get everything just right and it was finally paying off. I was just glad it was Friday. I’d just poured a cup of coffee in the break room when my buddy Christopher, who worked in the advertising department, swooped in and took it out of my hand.
“Thanks so much, man. Thoughtful of you,” he said, taking a sip. “Ow! Hot, hot!”
“Sorta like your mom,” I muttered, just loud enough for him to hear.
“Low,” he said. “That was low, man.”
I just smiled. “Got any plans this weekend?”
He rubbed his hands over his gelled orange-red hair. “Nope. One big non-event. Like my life.”
“Seriously, you gotta get out there again,” I said. “You guys broke up, what, two weeks ago?”
He blew on what was supposed to have been my coffee before taking a careful sip. “Don’t wanna talk about it. Tell me about your girlfriends, so I can live vicariously.”
“They’re both perfect tens. The one, Kalie, is like a fucking model. She’s got a body on her that would blow you away.”
He clucked his tongue at me like an old lady. “Looks aren’t everything.”
“That’s what ugly people say.”
He laughed. “And who’s the other one? You always have at least one in reserve.”
“Tricia—she’s hot as hell, too. Her ass alone…” I straightened my shoulders and tried to look big, like I deserved such a gorgeous woman. It was the truth, though. These women were both fine specimens, and I’d been seeing Tricia for about two weeks. That was pretty much a record for me.
“Can’t you leave some for the rest of us? Dickhead.” He paused and looked almost wistful. “Maybe you’ll end up marrying one of them.”
“It’s not that simple.”
Christopher seemed to think I had it made. I mean, I was a billionaire and I wasn’t even thirty-five yet, so I had that going for me. I’d also struck out on my own from my family’s business, and had happened to develop the ultimate dating site. Now, this all took a lot of time and effort, so I liked to think that I’d earned my success. At the same time, I was getting more and more bummed out by the fact that I still hadn’t met “The One,” as I liked to refer to her.
“Oh, let me guess. Joshua Tolbert has love problems.” Christopher’s sarcasm was legendary.
“I’m not saying I have problems, but I’m getting frustrated with not being able to meet the right girl. I mean, it’s cool to have lots of girlfriends, but I’m getting bored with meeting the same type over and over.” I looked down at the floor and Christopher got quiet. We didn’t usually talk about this kind of stuff.
I wanted to think that since I’d taken the big step of breaking away from my family business to do my own thing that I’d also be lucky in love, too. But it hadn’t turned out that way. I’d saved up all of my money to get this company up and rolling. Sure, Jamie had helped, but I’d been the one who’d invested the most and taken on most of the work. And I was starting to feel a little bit resentful that with all of this success, I still hadn’t met the right woman.
“Maybe you need to ditch the suit and tie.” Christopher raised his eyebrows and gestured to my outfit.
He had to be kidding. I always dressed sharp for work. It gave people even more of a reason to respect me, and I liked that. The clothes weren’t my problem. For some reason, I wasn’t able to connect with a single woman, even after I’d met and spoken to hundreds of them.
“I think tonight w
ill be my lucky night.”
“Oh yeah?” Christopher said.
“Yeah. Special dinner. Sushi. Birthday sex.”
“Tricia or Kalie?”
“Tricia.” Maybe she was more than a “type.” Maybe she could even be The One.
“Good luck, man.” Christopher downed the rest of his coffee and walked away.
Just as he left, an employee came into the break room, asking for my signature on a time sheet.
“So are you doing anything special for your birthday?” She looked up at me with this shy-girl kind of face.
“I might be.” I signed her paper and checked back to see if there was any more coffee in the pot. A tiny bit. I poured it into a cup, mentally cursing Christopher.
When I turned around, she was still standing there. She looked awkward in that pantsuit. It was out of style, and didn’t do anything to accentuate her form.
I didn’t know what to say to her, so I finished the coffee and put my empty mug on the table. I gave her a quick wave goodbye, and walked back to my office.
When I got to my door, she was still standing by the break room. I wanted to say something else to her, but had no idea what. “Well, thanks for the birthday wishes. Have a good weekend.”
She nodded and, as if stepping out of a trance, moved toward the cubicles.
I knew I was going to have a good weekend. A Tricia weekend.
Chapter 3
Allison
When I got home from work, I reviewed my options. I could throw myself on my bed and cry out all the frustration and disappointment. I could do laundry. I could watch a movie with Bub and eat a carton of ice cream. I could sink into blissful sleep.
The last one sounded best, but I had to feed Bub first. I kicked through a pile of my dirty laundry blocking the hallway, and then pushed over a pile of books that had collapsed next to it. When Jess was out of town, I turned into a slob. Only the presence of a roommate could get me to clean up after myself.
I huffed into the kitchen, nearly tripping over Bub in the process, and peeled the top from a can of Feline Delight. No, crying or moaning or sleeping or eating wouldn’t be enough. Nothing would be enough. I wanted to scream out my frustration, but the tenants upstairs would wonder if something bad had happened, so I punched a pillow on my couch, instead.
I’d bought fresh vegetables at the grocery store on Wednesday, but I was too tired to make anything with them. Instead, I opened up a package of Freddy’s Franks and microwaved a hotdog, listening to the humming sound as I stood in a daze. It spun around and around on the tiny glass dish inside. Pointless. Kind of like my love life. As the hot dog expanded, I sighed and wondered if maybe there was something wrong with me.
I had just turned thirty-two, so I wasn’t old yet, but compared to a lot of my friends, I felt ancient. It wasn’t so much my age as much as the fact that I couldn’t seem to find the right relationship. Most of my friends from high school were married with kids and had successful lives. Even my little sister had a family by now. I looked over at Bub and sighed. Maybe it would just be me and him for the rest of my life.
The most pathetic part was the fact that I had tried to get Joshua’s affection and had failed, miserably. I couldn’t even get his attention! I wasn’t model material, but still, I wasn’t ugly, either. I had some quirks, like getting snippy when I was misunderstood, but overall I considered myself a pretty decent person, and I felt like I deserved to be happy. So what wasn’t working? Just as I was about to list my flaws, the phone rang. Thank goodness, someone was saving me from myself.
“Hello? Hey Jess, what’s up?” I balanced the phone on my shoulder and poured some lemonade from the refrigerator. “How’s Paris?”
“Paris is so amazing, Alls. I wish you could see it!” Jess was in France with her boyfriend. She’d saved up for this trip for an entire year, so she totally deserved the vacation.
“What’s the best part so far?” I sat down on the couch with my lemonade and my hot dog. Bub jumped up and purred in my face. I started to feel a little better about being alone, and took a deep breath as I bit into my food.
“Well the sights are just incredible. But, the best part so far…” Jess could barely contain the excitement in her voice. “…is that Jeremy has set me up with a modeling gig, and I’ve got about three thousand new subscribers to my fashion blog!”
I wanted to be as excited for her as she was, but it was difficult given the day I’d just had. I took another bite of my hot dog and tears welled up in my eyes. “That’s so cool!” Maybe talking with my mouth full would help disguise my misery.
Jess deserved to be successful. She was gorgeous and savvy. When she first met Jeremy in Paris, they had really hit it off, and he treated her well. “I’m really happy for you,” I added quietly.
“Alls, what’s wrong?” Jess was probably standing with her hands on her hips, looking serious. I could tell from the tone of her voice.
I didn’t want to drag her down with my sob story, but I also couldn’t lie to my best friend.
“I don’t know. Maybe I’m just not meant to find love.” I wanted to cry as soon as I said it, because I couldn’t help thinking that it really might be true.
“You are going to meet someone, Allison. I just know it.” I could picture her pacing the room with a look of concern on her face. Jess’s mother left her when she was only a baby. I always thought that this was why she seemed to have so much wisdom. She was forced to learn on her own, and to make life work in her favor. At the same time, she was graced with incredible looks, so it was hard not to still be a little jealous of her, despite her rough childhood.
“I just feel like I never will.” I ate the last bit of my hot dog and gently nudged Bub off my lap so I could get up. It had started raining again, and the dark sky was covered with a heavy blanket of clouds. I pulled the blinds closed, shutting out the gloomy weather.
“Keep taking chances,” Jess said. “You never know what will happen! And remember, Alls, I love you.”
As I hung up the phone, I smiled a little. At least I had a good friend to vent to. I looked over at Bub and envied his simple life. He seemed to understand how I felt, and came inching up next to my legs. Then he rubbed against them and purred. I sighed and leaned down to scratch behind his ears. Not knowing what else to do, I sat in front of my laptop on the coffee table. Opening it up, I spontaneously went to our company website, planning to hover the little mouse finger icon over Joshua’s photo.
Damn. I was the most pathetic loser.
I didn’t make it to the About Our CEO page, though, because the visions of happy couples on the homepage distracted me. I could see why Scintilla had so many positive reviews. They all looked deliriously happy. I read the company slogan: Find the Spark! It sounded simple enough. But it was totally not. I shook my head and explored more. One couple wore blindfolds. Beneath it read the caption, Scintilla: the spark of love comes from within! I let out a disbelieving snort, but continued to look at the pictures and even clicked on a few of the package descriptions. Joshua had done an excellent job at making the site—one that didn’t allow photos, email, or phone numbers until the first date—a memorable one. That’s what the photos of blindfolded people were about. He wanted the connections to be all about the heart and mind. It was yet another reason I’d fallen in love with him. It seemed ironic coming from a man who only dated supermodel lookalikes, but I knew somewhere inside, he had to be a romantic. Or maybe he was just really business savvy. I liked to think it was a little of both.
It was eight o’clock by the time I had finished exploring the site. I looked over at Bub who was curled up on a blanket, fast asleep. I shifted as I shut the laptop, and he opened one yellow eye to glare at me. “Well excuse me, your Highness,” I said.
He opened both eyes, as if daring me to do something about it. But I’d never been daring. Maybe that was my problem.
But maybe I could be daring! My computer was still on. Why not create a profile? If nothing e
lse, it would be an entertaining way to spend the rest of the evening. Joshua had created the site so that multiple personality and character tests were available to anyone who wanted to use them. I tried about six before finally settling on my official profile.
I chose Phillygirl as my username. I listed my real age, 32, and I made sure to include as many of my “likes” as I could come up with: animals, being barefoot, walks in the rain, family, reading, matchmaking, hot showers, dried flowers, and cats. When it came to the section on my desires, I had to give it some thought. What were they, really? I decided that the most obvious ones came first: to find love with someone who sees me just as I am, to succeed in my career, and to hopefully begin a family.
The entire process was exciting. At about ten o’clock, when I was almost finished, I got up to have a hot chocolate and a few cookies before sitting back down. It was still raining outside. Maybe by the end of the weekend it would be nice enough for a walk in the park. I liked to get outside as much as I could since I spent so much time inside the office. I sat back down in front of my computer, a chocolate chip cookie in hand. There was possibility here. I was taking a step for myself, and taking Jess’s advice to “keep taking chances.” After making sure I liked how everything looked, I logged off for the night.
That night, Joshua came to me in my dreams. I was at work, filing papers and making copies, just like I did every day. Yet the entire office appeared to be completely empty, and I started to wonder what was going on. Faint music played in Joshua’s office, so I knew he, at least, was there. I walked away from my work duties and decided to ask him why everyone was missing.
When I stepped into Joshua’s office, I could hear the music better. There wasn’t much of a melody, only a kind of rhythmic drumming. He looked at me with a strange expression. Something was different, but what? His hair was still short and utterly touchable, and his stubble was the same length of sexy. His eyes were different, though. Suddenly it hit me: this was the first time he’d actually recognized me, really saw me for who I was. It felt like he stared into my eyes for an eternity. When I thought my heart couldn’t handle the suspense any longer, he finally stood up from behind his desk and stalked forward. He had the strength, power, and sinuousness of a mountain lion.