by Jess Bryant
She’d come home to start fresh. She’d just gotten out of an abusive relationship. She’d been through something traumatic. The very last thing she needed was to tie herself down with someone right now, particularly not an ex-boyfriend that had purposefully broken her heart and hurt her once before. She didn’t need another man in her life with anger issues.
And as much as he hated admitting it, he was stuffed full of anger. Anger at his parents, at his brother, at his entire family. Anger for this town that was all about unity and friendliness, except when it came to his family. Anger at himself for not getting away when he had a chance and anger for even thinking about leaving his twin behind. He was angry at the world because it seemed no matter how hard he tried, no matter what he did, he hurt somebody and mostly he was angry that he wasn’t the man he wanted to be, not yet.
He managed to contain it most days but it was always there, sitting just beneath the surface, waiting for an opportunity to explode. In those first few months after she left, he’d let it out easily and often. He’d started brawls and taken beatings just to feel something other than the lonely emptiness of his hurt. Once he’d sobered up, smartened up, he’d made better choices, decided to be a better man, but it still came out too often.
The scraps with Decker, those were small tastes of the true violence he had inside of him. He hadn’t let it overtake him like he had today in a long time. Not since the last time he’d seen a man try to take advantage of the woman he loved. He’d done what he had to do then, after he’d come to and realized the destruction he’d wreaked with his fists. He’d pushed her away to protect her and he would do it again. He’d do anything to protect her, even walk away.
That was what he told himself. That was what he’d been telling himself for weeks. But convincing himself to walk away from her the first time hadn’t been easy and doing it a second just might kill him. He needed to sleep, needed to rest. He had to give her time to think. And after that, after they’d both had some time and some distance, if she didn’t want him to be part of her life anymore, he would step back and figure out a way to live without her… again.
“I’ll get this stuff inside for Jemma.” Colt clapped him on the shoulder as he came around the front of the truck.
“I’ll help.”
His brother shook his head, “I got it. Go on in.”
Cash scowled when he met his brother’s eyes and saw the concern there. He glanced over his shoulder but Jemma wasn’t paying them any attention. She’d started pulling her things from the truck and he knew what Colt was really saying. If he tried to stick around and help unload, Jemma would tell them both to leave her alone. If Cash walked away, she’d at least let Colt help her with the heavier stuff so he nodded and resigned himself to the fact that he had to leave her, now, when he was nowhere near ready.
He took the keys from his brother, “Take care of her for me okay?”
“Always.”
That was all he could ask for in this situation. The last time he’d had to step out of her life, he’d left her alone. She’d left him behind, left Old Settlers and her entire life behind, and she hadn’t had anyone out there she could trust. And the man she’d chosen had hurt her, irreparably.
This time, she would be right here, just out of reach, but he would know she was taken care of. Skylar would take care of her. And Colt. His brother could watch out for her as an extension of himself since he couldn’t be with her and that would have to be enough. It wouldn’t even come close but it was better than nothing.
He shot her one last glance even though he knew it wouldn’t be the last time he saw her. He would see her again, just as often as he’d been seeing her for the past month. Most likely every day, he would be able to catch glimpses of her, glimpses that would rip his heart to shreds, glimpses that he would look forward to as if they were his air.
Her red hair was down for once, falling over her shoulders in messy curls. She wouldn’t look up at him but he could feel the tension vibrating off of her. She held her shoulders back but her chin dipped, hiding her face from him. She was hurting too and all he wanted was to wipe it away. He wanted to pull her into his arms and comfort her, tell her that it would all be okay, that they would work it out, but he couldn’t. She’d said she wanted time to think and he needed distance to keep her safe.
He sighed and forced his feet to carry him to his apartment and away from her. He tossed the keys on the table and stared around the dark room for a long minute. It had never looked quite as empty to him as it did in that moment. Knowing that he would never see Jemma curled up on his couch again, never have her up on the counter in his kitchen again, never watch her come out of his bathroom in a cloud of steam and he couldn’t even imagine sleeping in his bed without her. Empty, the apartment was empty because his life was empty without her.
She’d only been back a few weeks but that didn’t matter. His entire world had been upended the moment he saw her on the side of the road. The second he’d realized that she was back and that maybe, just maybe, he might be able to have her in his life again, everything had changed for him. His days had been brighter this last month and not even dealing with his parents had been able to bring him down. Not when he knew he would get to see Jemma at the end of the day.
Now, without her, again, his life would go back to the dark, endless cycle he’d known in her absence. Working. Eating. Sleeping. Fighting. Trying to hold himself and his family together the only way he knew how. It sounded awful.
Cash stripped down to his boxers and tossed his blood stained clothes in the hamper. As exhausted as he was, he knew that sleep wouldn’t come to him right now and he needed to clean up anyway. His knuckles were bruised and stiff, the skin peeling back from several as well. He’d cleaned most of the blood off but he still needed a hot shower to wash away the worst parts of this day.
He grabbed a towel and shut himself in the bathroom, flipping the heat to full blast and then stepping beneath the scalding water. It burned but in a good way. He needed to wash off every spec of that bastard’s blood and find some way to put it behind him.
It wouldn’t be easy but he’d done it before. He’d figured out a way to move on from her once and he could do it again. The Jemma sized hole in his chest was huge and would hurt forever but he’d survived it once and he could do it again if he had to.
If that was what she wanted then…
Cash turned when he felt a chill run down his spine. He’d shut the door hadn’t he? The bathroom had been hot, steam rising, but it was clearing. He frowned as he jerked the curtain back, fully prepared to tell his brother he was fine and to leave him the hell alone but shock hit him when he saw that it wasn’t Colt.
Jemma was standing just inside the bathroom door. Jemma was in his apartment, in his bathroom, and she was in the process of pulling her shirt over her head. Jemma was taking her clothes off and looking at him with longing and desire and determination in her beautiful hazel eyes.
She hadn’t looked at him outside. Hadn’t looked at him since they walked out of that apartment in Houston. But she was looking at him now like he was hers, and he couldn’t look away from her.
He couldn’t think of anything to say. Couldn’t even think to figure out what it was she was planning. All he could do was watch as more and more of her perfect porcelain skin was revealed until she was standing naked in front of him and with her eyes on him, his body couldn’t help but respond.
His heart thumped too hard in his chest. And he was hard, instantaneously. All of the blood left his brain. That was why he couldn’t think to say a word, or do a thing, when Jemma walked toward him, stepped over the lip of the tub and pulled the curtain back shut behind her. She joined him in the shower, enclosing them in completely naked with the hot water raining down on them, steam rising, and all he could do was stare.
What was happening?
Had he fallen asleep in the shower? Were they even home yet? Was it all a dream? If he woke up and they were still in the
truck, driving those endless hours home in that dreadful silence, he might open the door and throw himself out into traffic. It was the best and the worst dream he’d ever had if that was the case because he’d only ever imagined seeing Jemma like this again and waking to find out he never would was going to kill him for sure.
“Jem?” He felt like he was moving in slow motion, afraid she was a ghost and nearly jerking in surprise when his fingers slid through her hair and down to the smooth plane of her shoulder.
“Shhh, I’m here.” She smiled softly, as if she’d read his mind and knew he didn’t believe her. “I’m here, Cash.”
“But…”
“No. No talking. You’re going to listen okay?”
She slid her small palms over his chest and he shuddered under her hands. Need rocked him to the core. Since he was still having a hard time accepting that this was really happening, that she was here, he simply nodded.
“I’m sorry.” She whispered softly, “I’m so sorry, baby.”
He found his voice, grasping her wrists to stop the distracting path they were carving over his chest, “No. No apologies. You don’t apologize.”
“Shhh, I told you to listen.” She met his gaze, serious and intense, “I do apologize Cash, because that’s a relationship. We have to be equals or this is never going to work.”
He stared down at her. Relationship? Did she still want a relationship with him? Was that even possible? He’d already convinced himself he had to let her walk out of his life but here she was, storming back into it, refusing to be left behind. What was going on?
“It’s not all your fault and I’m done letting you blame yourself for every misstep and hurtful moment between us.”
“Jem…”
She slid into his arms and he fought a groan. Her body against his and he was already hard. His brain was barely functioning. Her breasts were against his chest and he knew she could feel his erection against her belly. She didn’t react, only wrapped her arms around him and pressed her cheek to his chest.
“I’m done letting you push me away, Cash. Do you hear me? I’m not going anywhere so you better get used to me being around.” She kissed his chest, water dripping down both of them in rivers and he tightened his grip on her. “I’m staying so cut the shit, stow the attitude and deal with it. Please.”
His words. He’d said that to her way back in high school when they were assigned to that English assignment together and she’d immediately flinched at the pairing. She’d been an honors student, and he hadn’t been. It was one of the first things he ever said directly to her and she remembered. She’d added the please though.
“I’m trying to protect you, Jem.”
“I don’t need or want to be protected from you. Not from you.” She planted kisses across his chest, “You don’t scare me.”
“I should.”
He didn’t believe that she wasn’t scared of him. He couldn’t. Not after what she’d witnessed today. He’d completely lost control. He’d blacked out. He barely remembered moving let alone swinging his fists and anything that violent and wild couldn’t be trusted. She should be scared of it. He was.
“Well you don’t scare me, so get over it. Yes, you are big and yes, you are strong but I know you would never use that strength against me.” She pulled back to look up at him, “You scared me today because I knew you were hurting, that you were in pain and I’m so, so sorry that I put you in that position.”
It wasn’t her fault. How could she think it was her fault? He could have controlled himself. He should have. But he’d never been able to control himself with Jemma. She made him feel everything too much, too deep, and it was overwhelming.
Like now, he knew he needed to be thinking with the head on top of his shoulders. They needed to talk this through more. There were so many more things he needed to say. But she was pressing her naked body against his and he was losing the thread of the conversation.
Why wasn’t he kissing her? Touching her? Making love to her? Why hadn’t he done that yet?
He was having a tough time remembering why it was he’d stopped them time and time again for the past few weeks. Every time they’d been together since that night she waited up for him and slept over, they’d ended up kissing and groping and grinding against each other. They were both desperate for it. They both wanted it so badly. Why had he stopped them?
A glimpse at his bruised knuckles reminded him and his conscience overrode his body’s needs. He couldn’t push her, not on this, not this time. She wanted him just as much as he wanted her but it couldn’t happen, not until they’d talked. Right?
He swiped her damp hair off her forehead, trying to focus on her words and not her gorgeous, naked curves, “Jemma, baby, there’s something inside of me that I can’t control and you shouldn’t be anywhere near it.”
“I should be with you. That’s where I belong. Right here, with you, is where I belong.”
Jemma tiptoed up and pressed her mouth against his and every argument he had faltered and then fell. Beautiful, naked Jemma pressed against him, water running over her body as she kissed him, his brain didn’t just shut down. It exploded. He kissed her back, because what else could he be expected to do when the woman of his dreams wrapped herself around him and forced her tongue between his lips?
He leaned forward, taking control of the kiss as the sparks between them steamed the shower stall. Their tongues tangled and Jemma moaned into his mouth. Her nails scratched him as she wrapped her arms around his neck, dragging him closer, holding him tight but it wasn’t enough. He circled her small waist with one arm, dragging her up off her feet and pivoting, pinning her against the shower wall beneath the spray of water.
He broke the kiss and pulled back enough to look at her when his head cut in with a warning. It was too much, too fast. It was too rough. He shouldn’t hold her so tight. He shouldn’t pin her to the wall.
Had he hurt her, scared her, did she want him to back off?
She simply stared right at him, bold and confidant, as if she knew he was questioning himself but didn’t want him to. She knew what she wanted and she was here to take it. Those gorgeous hazel eyes were clouded with desire and need and the softness he saw there threatened to choke him up. He leaned his forehead against her shoulder, trying to regain his precious control but Jemma only squirmed against him, threatening to shatter it all over again.
He was too close to the edge. He had been all day. He had been for weeks. With Jemma, he was always riding that dangerous line because she made him feel so much, so easily. He wanted her so much it scared him. How could it not scare her?
“Jem…” He groaned as he nipped at her shoulder with his teeth, “Hold on. Give me a second. I’ll be able to stop.”
“I don’t want you to stop. I want you.”
He growled when her wet breasts brushed his chest, her hard nipples driving him out of his mind, “Not like this.”
“Please.”
“No.” He growled near her ear, “Not like this. I’ve spent too long dreaming of this for it to happen in the goddamned shower.”
Jemma shivered, “But Cash…”
“I want to lay you out and learn every inch of you, touch every inch of you, kiss every inch of you, and I can’t do that here. I don’t know if I can do that at all, at least not this first time. I want you too bad to go slow but I’m not going to pin you against a wall and fuck you no matter how much you might think you want that.”
Seeing her pinned against that wall by another man was what had torn him apart today. The idea of another man holding her that way, immobile and at his mercy, sliced at his insides. The fact that if he had stayed downstairs even five minutes longer then he might have been too late to stop that fucker from hurting her far worse, that was what drove him absolutely insane.
So no, he wouldn’t pin her to the wall like an animal. Not now. Maybe not ever.
He forced himself to unwrap her from his body and put her back on the ground. Sh
e pouted, which was too damn cute for words, so he kissed her again, quickly, and then smacked her ass lightly when she tried to deepen it. She squealed and enough of his darkness had receded so that he could manage a smirk as he flipped off the water and dragged them both out of the shower.
He’d tried to send her away. She’d refused. He was in no state to argue with her. If she wanted him, she was going to get him, but not like this. He could at least get her to a bed this time. She deserved that much. He was going to have her in his bed, where she belonged, and where she would be staying for good this time.
Softly, gently, he used the towel to dry her off. Her beautiful body was flushed pink from the heat of the shower and the intimacy that they shared. He knelt down, tracing up her little legs, planting kisses to her knee and inner thigh that made her sigh. He cupped her ass, dragged the towel across her belly and then lingered on her breasts far longer than he needed. Her head fell back on a moan as he caressed her skin and by the time he stood back up, she was shivering and he didn’t think it had a thing to do with being cold.
“Cash, please…” She begged, reaching for him as he quickly swiped the towel over himself and then tossed it aside.
“Come here baby.” He let her wrap her arms around his neck and then lifted her again.
She circled her legs around his waist and he groaned. She was still wet in all the best places. And she fit him so well, as if she’d always been made to wrap around him like this.
It shouldn’t have been possible. He was too tall and she was so short. She was a tiny, petite little thing and he was a giant. But when they were horizontal that didn’t matter at all and like this, it didn’t either. They lined up in all of the right places.
As he carried Jemma out of the bathroom, he momentarily worried that Colt was in the apartment. He hoped his brother was smart enough to have left the premises but he honestly didn’t care if he was in his room. Luckily, he wasn’t sitting in the living room where he would have gotten a look at Jemma’s naked body which would save him a beating of his own. Still, he didn’t want to just assume Colt had the foresight to be long gone.