She always was unreasonable, but charmingly so.
The next morning we assembled in front of the distillery building. Our army numbered 197. Not bad after my less than rousing speech. Fotis and Dikaiopolis and the others had delivered admirably and we set off. We moved slowly with all our supplies and equipment and our two odd upside-down wagons.
Fotis came alongside me and asked what was in the slings carried by 3 pairs of donkeys. I just smiled with all my teeth. We never got tired of that game.
A fair number of travelers passed us heading towards Athens, so we had no illusions that we would surprise them. In fact, I was counting on them being warned.
By the evening of the 4th day, we were camped within sight of the city walls. We posted a triple guard, but the night passed uneventfully.
In the morning, Tros arranged his troops and we marched to the gates of Athens. We halted our troops just out of bowshot of the now closed gates and called out our demands.
“In the name of the great God Jack Daniels, we call on the people of Athens to surrender! If you surrender, we promise that no one will be harmed.”
They, of course, refused and answered by way of a flight of arrows.
As it was clear that we would make no progress diplomatically, I called Dikaiopolis and had him prepare his men. We needed to act fast. They would soon assemble a force much larger than our paltry 200 and come out to meet us.
Dikaiopolis’ men assembled with their supplies in two groups of 5 under the two upside-down wagons, and slowly pushed them right up the walls of the city. Defenders rained down arrows and rocks, but they bounced off the plated peaked roofs. Our archers were arrayed in front of the gate and to the sides of the wagons to provide protection against ground troops. But none came.
After 6 hours, they pushed their way back. A new crew pushed back to the wall and stayed another 6 hours. And again our defenders protected them and again no attack came.
On the morning of the 2nd day Dikaiopolis came to me. “All is ready sir!” He indicated two men who each held a long rope. “They are just waiting for your order.”
We approached again to just outside bowshot and called our demands, but before we finished, a woman and small child appeared atop the gate.
“I am Aspasia! And you know this child! Give up this fight and return to Megara, or I will throw her off the wall!”
Cilo screamed and started to struggle, but Aspasia held her tight.
I didn’t know what to do. She’d defeated us again! We would have to retreat. We couldn’t risk harm to Cilo.
An older man appeared atop the gate and seemed to be arguing with the woman. Then as sometimes happens, fate took a hand. In our defense, we weren’t a trained army, we were just a bunch of distillery workers, ex-slaves and a time-traveling tax attorney.
So, when Aspasia threatened to throw Cilo off the wall, I panicked and began frantically waving off the trigger men. It’s easy to see, in retrospect, how they interpreted this as ‘the signal’ and pulled their ropes, setting off the 1500 lbs of gunpowder we had buried under a section of the wall and causing approximately 25 feet of the wall to collapse. Luckily, we had buried the explosives a good way from the gate and nobody was hurt. The resulting cloud of smoke and dust towered over the city and forced all the defenders off the walls and back into the city proper.
Obviously, I had figured out the formula for gunpowder. I’d always known that gunpowder was a mixture of charcoal, sulfur and saltpeter (thanks Star Trek!) but I’d had no idea what saltpeter was. When I first found myself in the past (assuming this was the past and not some parallel universe or dream or whatever) this was useless information. But once we started the distillery, I had the resources to figure it out. Assuming it was something like salt (from the name), I’d asked Isodemos to hire traveling merchants to track down any white crystals that weren’t sea salt. He contracted with over 100 merchants and we bought over 300 samples (a good many of which were actually sea salt). We would test each sample by grinding it together with the charcoal and sulfur (both easily obtainable) and trying to set off the resulting mix. We had no idea of the proper proportions, so we tried several different combinations of each potential compound. It was grueling and disheartening work. Luckily, we had ex-slaves working in the lab, and they were used to boring, pointless tasks.
The successful sample came from the walls of a horse stable! Once identified, we were able to buy a significant quantity and began experimenting to determine the proper proportions. Once we had explosive samples, we went into full production until we had (what I hoped was) enough to, at least, really impress people. It’d worked better than I’d hoped. We had enough powder for a second try, had it been necessary.
Fotis was suddenly at my elbow. “Another gift from the great god Jack Daniels?”
I laughed. “No, my friend, we have switched deities. We now work for the great god Einstein! God of Science!”
He nodded gravely. “I’ll inform the believers.”
I thought for a moment. “Fotis, I want you to do something. Something dangerous.”
“What can I do?”
“I want you to lead the way into the city and proclaim it conquered in the name of the god. If they attack us, you’ll be at the front.”
“The god will protect me!”
“Then let’s hope he protects us both. Let’s go!”
Chapter 16
Compressing a gas causes it to heat up. Decompressing a gas, causes it to cool down. You can use this to create refrigeration.
Book of Questionable Facts - 2019
So, walking side by side, Fotis and Melite and I entered the city at the head of our tiny army, Fotis calling out the victory of the great god Einstein. We encountered little resistance and the few groups of soldiers that did try to block our progress were easily frightened (as to a lesser extent were our own troops) by my supply of firecrackers (that gunpowder is useful stuff!). I’d had the lab folks make up firecrackers in a variety of strengths. From little squibs, all the way up to full sticks of dynamite that, probably, could bring down a mud brick building.
Fotis and a group of 20, armed with firecrackers, as well as swords, traveled the city, proclaiming the victory of the great god Einstein and calling for calm. Tros, Eleni and most of the rest divided into parties to search the city for Aspasia and Cilo. Isodemos, Melite and I, with a small group of soldiers, made our way to the Agora and took control of the Strategeion, the building where the generals met to do the business of Athens.
At first the Agora was deserted, but soon, when it was clear that no looting or destruction was going to occur, people began to fill the Agora. Still no one approached our HQ.
We hadn’t planned for this. We never thought we would actually take the city. Our plan had always been to frighten the citizens enough so that they would give us Cilo and rescind the declaration against Megara and we could avoid a war. So, we were unsure how to proceed.
Melite was in favor of basically sacking the city, taking what we could, returning to Megara and leaving Athens to the Spartans. Isodemos wanted to force the Athenians to rescind the edict against Megara and reopen the market to our Vodka and turn over Aspasia.
And me? I wanted to run away as fast as we could. I wanted to leave before anybody realized that we had no idea what we were doing, that we had, essentially, no army and no weapons. That a small force could easy defeat us and slaughter or enslave all of us.
But, as I looked at Melite, pregnant with our baby, I knew I couldn’t do that. I was about to tell them my thoughts when a soldier, a woman named Aella, entered.
“There is a man here to see you. Says his name is Socrates.”
I almost jumped! Socrates! Here to see me!
“Socrates!? Here to see me!? Send him right in!”
“Do you know him? You seem pretty excited. Who is he?” Asked Melite.
“I don’t know him, but I know his reputation. Well, more or less. I at least know his name. I am excited!”
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br /> Just then Aella returned with a man.
He was nothing like I expected. Short and ugly and barefoot with a dirty robe and much younger than I thought. Also he was in better physical condition than I expected. More like a soldier than a philosopher. Still. Socrates! Here to see me!
I rushed to take his hand. “Socrates! Are you really Socrates?”
“I am.”
“It’s such a pleasure to meet you!”
I could tell he was flattered.
“The occupants of these offices haven’t always been so happy to see me. Perhaps your reputation for wisdom is deserved.”
“Oh, if there is a wise man here, it’s you!” I was gushing like a school boy meeting his favorite ball player. Socrates! “Can we get you anything? Food? Drink?” Then to Isodemos, “Do we have anything? Food? Drink? Anything?”
Socrates replied. “Perhaps a little water.”
“Water! Someone bring water for Socrates!”
Melite and Isodemos were completely confused by my behavior.
Soon Socrates and I were seated facing each other and he had a cup of water in his hand.
“So, Socrates. What can I do for you?”
“I’d like to talk to you, if I may. It’s a habit of mine to talk to people with a reputation for wisdom and I noticed that nobody else was entering the Strategeion, probably for fear that you’ll kill them, but I’m not afraid of death, and so I thought you might have some time for me.”
“Anytime Socrates!”
He was clearly flattered. Apparently not everybody in Athens was star struck with Socrates the way I was.
“Thank you. Now, Robert, I’d like to know what your plans for Athens and her people are.”
“That’s an excellent question! We were just discussing that very topic when you arrived.”
“Excellent! And would you share your plans with me?”
“Well, we aren’t completely in agreement, so we don’t have plans just yet. But I’ll tell you what I would like to do. I want justice.”
A big crooked toothed smile broke on his ugly face. “Ah. Justice. An excellent idea. And can you tell me: what is justice?”
Now it was my turn to smile. I was gratified to see him startled by my white straight teeth. “I’m sorry. I forgot who I was talking to and I used sloppy language. As you may know, I represent the god.”
“A god.” He reminded me.
“The other gods are strangely silent. My god speaks with fire and thunder and brought down the walls of Athens. So, for now, let’s agree that my god is, at least, first among equals.”
He smiled at that, catching, as I knew he would, the contradiction.
“Very well, and what does your god tell you about justice?”
“I don’t believe in justice. What seems just to one person, almost always seems unjust to someone else. And so the word is really without meaning.”
“Bah! You’re a damned sophistic relativist!” He almost got up to leave.
“No! I’m no sophist, nor a relativist. I’m worse. I’m a nihilist. I deny the possibility of justice. I know that one day I’ll be dead and, to me, it will be as if I never existed. One day the Earth and the entire universe will cease to exist and it will be as if they never existed. Nothing really matters.”
“So, how do you decide how best to live?”
I shrugged “I do what seems best to me without worry if it conforms to some absolute standard of good. And I look around and I see that despite all our disagreements, all creatures seem to want the same basic things. Enough food to eat, a comfortable place to live and freedom. So, now that I’m here, in-charge of the city, I’m going to work towards giving that to the people.”
I think another man might have left happy after hearing this plan. But this was Socrates! A man famous throughout the millennia for his understanding. So he thought for a second and then a look of realization crossed his face.
“You’re going to destroy our entire society!”
I nodded, satisfied. “I am.”
Melite broke in. “Maybe you and your pal Socrates know what you’re planning, but Isodemos and I are in the dark.”
Socrates answered her. “He is going to free the slaves. He is going to destroy our way of life. He is going to kill philosophy. Our entire civilization is based on the leisure of the citizen. And the leisure of the citizen is based on slavery. Without slaves, who but the rich could attend the assembly to hear the arguments of government? Who could serve on the juries? Who would have time to discuss justice and the life of the good? It will be the end of Athens and the end of philosophy. I would rather that you had killed me.”
“Is your society so great that it justifies keeping thousands from their freedom?”
To his credit, he thought long on the question before he answered. “All my life, I have asked: what is justice? And I have sought to live the life of the good. But I never asked your question. Why would I? There have always been slaves, and I assumed there would always be slaves. There are slaves in Greece and slaves in Persia and slaves in Asia Minor and slaves in Sicily, in Africa, in all the world. It makes no more sense to ask if slavery is just than to ask if the sun is just. But I see that you are right. The price of our society is too high. Go ahead, burn it down. I myself will hand you the torch. It is a crime against philosophy, but what right do I have to philosophy if I can’t see the greater crime?”
“Socrates, where I come from, you are famous for your wisdom and insight. I am glad to see that your reputation damns you with faint praise. You really are the wisest of men! Welcome to our team! Now, what do you recommend we do next?”
“Where do you come from? Do you truly speak to the god?”
“I come from far away. And yes. I do speak for the god.”
Machiavelli tells us in ‘The Prince’ that princes with religious power are more secure than secular princes. Now that I had decided to take control, I needed to embrace my new gods completely.
“Now, what do you advise Socrates?”
“Send for Pericles. If you can convince him, the rest of Athens will follow. If you can’t convince him of the right, you still may be able to obtain his assistance by convincing him that it will be best for Athens. If he will not help, it would be best to exile him. He is a dangerous man.”
I poked my head out of the room to speak to Aella. “Send someone to find Pericles. I want to see him immediately.”
A man pushed past Aella and entered the room. “No need! I’m here and I want to speak with you as well!”
I took his hand. “I’m Robert, and this is my wife Melite and Isodemos, one of my associates. I imagine that you already know Socrates.”
A sour look crossed his face. “Only by reputation.”
“My reputation is getting a lot of exercise today!”
Then Pericles was all smiles and he greeted Melite and Isodemos. “I’ve heard all about you all. You are justifiably famous in the city! Melite the harsh taskmistress and Isodemos the money manager. And of course, Robert! The high priest of the god Jack Daniels and now, if the stories are to be believed, of the new god Einstein! But you wanted to see me?”
“I did, but clearly you came to see me first, so it would be rude to not hear you out before making my own requests.”
He looked set to argue but instead said. “Ok. I came to ask you what your intentions were.”
I smiled my toothy smile. “It seems I’m doomed to have every conversation twice today! Socrates and I were just discussing that very question! Before I answer, let me ask you a question of my own. Just for variety sake. How do you see the current situation? What would you like to see us do?”
He scowled at Socrates and sighed. “Very well. Here is the situation as I see it. You are currently in control of the city. I tried to raise an army to fight against you, but failed. The people are convinced that the gods are on your side. We’ve all seen the power you possess. The city is yours. For now.
“But, your army is small. Tiny
even. They appear ill-trained at best, and some of them seem to be women. Nobody will challenge you now, but in time they’ll forget their fear. You will either have to consolidate your power or leave the city.”
“I appreciate your honesty. Now, tell me, if you would, how you see the situation for Athens?”
“Athens is lost.” He shrugged. “You’ve breached our walls. The Spartan army is already under march. We can’t possibly repair the walls in time and we can’t defeat the Spartans on land. Our best hope is to abandon the city and flee to an ally.”
“Ok. Again, I thank you for your honesty. Can you see a solution to both our problems?”
He nodded “Of course. If we willingly give you control of the city, you can either convince the Spartans to return, or defeat them with your thunder bolts. As always, the question is: is it safer to lay in bed with the serpent or the scorpion?”
“I’m not sure which noxious creature you’re comparing me to, but I think you know which is safer. My people control the city, but there has been no looting, no rape, no slaughter. None of your people will be sold into slavery. Do you think you’ll get that deal from the Spartans?”
“What do you want?”
“First. I want Aspasia, or more precisely, I want Cilo.”
He shook his head. “That’s something I can’t give you. Honestly, I would if I could. I never supported her plans for the child. I know you saw me try to stop her on the walls this morning. But, she’s fled the city. She took a ship as soon as the walls fell and the child with her. I don’t know where she went!”
He had a look of real anguish. “She even abandoned her own child! Our child! It’s as if she is in the grip of madness!”
Then he straightened himself, “But, let’s put aside our personal pain and talk about the good of our peoples. What would you require of us to save the city?”
I believed him when he said he had no idea where she went. I nodded. “I will require everything.” I turned to Socrates. “Explain it to him.”
Melite and Isodemos and I went in search of Tros and Eleni to give them the news. We eventually found them at the port, questioning sailors and dock workers. Tros restraining Eleni to keeping her from turning the questioning into torture. They already knew that Aspasia and Cilo had left the city.
A New York Lawyer in the Court of Pericles Page 12