Mid-sentence, it came to her. She stopped writing in her journal.
Her first sentence—she had it. She had already violated a strict observance of the holiday of Shavuot by writing in her journal, yet turning on the computer seemed like more of a violation. No matter, she had to do this.
Wendy went to her desk by the window, turned on her computer, and went to the file with the same title as her dissertation, “It Was Basherte”: Narrative and Self-Identity in the Lives of Newly Religious American Jews.” She opened a blank document and began to type.
“Do you know where you’re going?” A simple question can lead to unexpected places. For the population of newly religious American Jews in Jerusalem, a journey to a new life, a new sense of self and connection to other people and to God, begins with a question like this. It may be from a recruiter for a yeshiva, or a friend who is already religious. However, the impact of a question, and its importance, can never be understated. A question can open new possibilities and disturb past realities.
In this dissertation, I have asked questions of this population, at different phases of their return. The responses have been varied, from the predictable to the completely shocking. The outcome of the questioning, as well, has been multifaceted.
She looked over at Uri’s sleeping form, stretched out behind her on her couch. She smiled at him and walked over to stretch a blanket out on top of him. She kissed his forehead. A gentle look came over his sleeping face in response to her tenderness.
She returned to her computer, “This population is both similar to and different from other American populations of the newly religious.” Here, she would need some footnotes; she could hold off on those till she’d had more sleep.
She looked at the clock at the bottom of the computer, and saw that it was almost four. She pressed save, backed the file up to a disk, ejected it, and triumphantly switched the machine off. She’d done it. She had started writing the actual dissertation.
She stood up and turned around to see the still-sleeping Uri. She had tidied up her apartment in readiness for the holiday, so that was done. The table was cleared, with a cloth on it already, but needed to be set. Wendy got out dishes; she had counted: there was service for eight, just enough for the guests even if it was all mismatched. She remembered, as she put the dishes out as noiselessly as possible so as not to wake Uri, the first Shabbat she was in Israel at Shani and Asher’s apartment, setting the table, like a little kid put to a task. Now, she was setting the table in her own apartment, for guests including Shani, Asher, and Amalia. She got out the glasses and wine glasses as well, for one of Uri’s friends was a wine aficionado and had brought a few bottles over earlier in the week. She placed the ones that didn’t need to be chilled on the table.
Most of the food had been dropped off earlier so Wendy would be able to heat it up to serve. There were blintzes, and pashtida, a leafy salad, a roasted vegetable tray, a sweet couscous made with yogurt and butter for the dairy eating holiday, and Wendy’s chocolate mousse, sure to be a triumph at dessert time. But the most striking element on the Shavuot table, apart from the flowers provided by Atelier Delphine flower shop, was the challah Uri had made.
He had come here to do it, since his kitchen space was limited and he didn’t want it to get “bungled” in transit. He spent an evening making the dough and letting it rise, punching it down, and then, when it had risen again, shaping it very particularly and baking it. It was a beautiful creation, all golden curves and arcs, an elaborately woven shape that was braided then pulled together in a round. The lustrous crust glazed with honey and egg wash and drizzled with toasted sesame seeds. It had at its pinnacle a key. Wendy had watched Uri in awe, as he took the strips of dough and shaped them gracefully. She recalled happily that it was much more pleasant to watch him at work than it had been to watch Donny since they were together in an actual relationship, not a meaningless flirtation. Thinking back on the early part of her year, she understood that things really had worked out, finally—difficulties and setbacks, all in the past. In fact, when Orly asked her recently what she thought the biggest obstacle to finishing her dissertation would be, Wendy had responded, “I don’t think there will be any more, since I’ve already had so many.”
Wendy found the cutting board for the challah and brought it to the table. She gently lifted Uri’s creation, and as she hefted the large loaf to the dining area she gazed at the key on top. He had told her that the recipe was something he learned from a friend in yeshiva, whose mother was Moroccan, when he spent Shavuot with them. Jews from her community in Morocco, influenced by the medieval mystic Rabbi Isaac Luria, the AR”I ha’kadosh, placed a key-shaped piece of dough at the top of their loaves on Shavuot, he explained, because they were hoping with this meal to use the key to access the gates of heaven.
As she deposited the loaf in its place, readied to be cut and consumed, she wondered: Would what happened at this table effect those partaking like the meal in Babette’s Feast that transformed aging contentious sectarians into young vital people, leaving the feast to gambol in the snow outside like young lambs, able to acknowledge truths about their lives, both in love and in deceit, that had gone unspoken for decades?
What had the meals she’d had this year, and other experiences, allowed her to access?
A fuller sense of myself. I am an intellectual, a future college professor, I hope, but I’m also someone who wants to enjoy the sensual delights given to us as humans. I’ve learned to cook a bit, and to value it. I need to be able to nourish myself, not cut myself off from sources of sustenance. I’m not afraid of sexuality like Noah, that my appetites will lead me somewhere forbidden; I’ve found the right person to be with for now, I hope for longer, but won’t get too concerned about the future before it happens.
Enjoy what you have now, she told herself, pleased with the survey of the table. The cloth napkins placed in the glasses looked white and crisp, the mismatched plates had their own charm—Jerusalem flea market twee, it might be called—and the flowers were a harmony of colors and shapes in a low bowl so they wouldn’t interfere with conversation. The setting of violets was boldly dark against the green leaves, with another flower, hollyhock maybe, ringing the outside of the arrangement. The hollyhocks had yet to unfurl, but Delphine at the flower shop assured her that their resplendence would be evident in the morning, that first daylight was when they displayed their full coloration at its best. Gazing at the flowers, Wendy thought that she too was like one of them: all her colors had been there before but spooled up in a way, not yet unreeled and present in the world. The pink and white colors could be seen curled up in the bud, not yet ready to unleash their beauty on the table. Wendy too, had found this year her chance to give of her utmost, like Babette, in so many realms. In her relationship with Uri, who had single-handedly salvaged her life by getting her to finish that literature review, and making sure she was able to complete her task without being paralyzed by perfectionism. They were here on earth to do things as well as they could, even in the small details of cooking the intricate multistep recipes.
Judy Spicehandler’s table it was not, but it was hers and Uri’s, hovering in expectation of serving its purpose and giving them a meal that would transport them to a spiritual realm through their corporeal senses and appetites. Despite his crazy hours this week, and not asking her first about having people for this Shavuot meal, he had stepped up and made the time to produce this incredible-smelling loaf, to which he’d even added, off-recipe, a pinch of cardamom, because he knew it was her favorite Middle Eastern spice. She leaned into the bread and inhaled happily.
It was time to wake Uri up, which she did, with a gentle kiss on the cheek and a rub on his back, “Come, Uri, let us go now.”
Wendy and Uri walked through Jerusalem streets that were beginning to grow light with day. They held hands, and suddenly Uri asked, “We’re leaving Mishael Street. Wendy, who is asking?”
“Someone with a sense of possibility. I don�
�t know if I’ll ever have a decisive moment, an exact lens through which I can filter everything else. I don’t know when I’ll finish my dissertation, or the chapters in my own book of transformations. But I won’t let uncertainty stop me from beginning.”
Glossary
Abba. Father. Hebrew.
alef-lamed-vov-lamed. The letters of the Hebrew alphabet that spell the name Elul. Elul is the last month of the Jewish year, the month before Rosh Hashanah.
aliyah. To go up. To go up to the land of Israel. Also, being called to the Torah is going up. Hebrew.
aron kodesh. Holy ark. Place where Torah is kept in a modern synagogue. Hebrew.
Baruch Hashem. Blessed be the name. A pious response to a question, meant to demonstrate that the name of God is fluent in one’s mouth. Hebrew.
basherte. Fated, meant to be. It can be said of a romantic partner that he or she is basherte; or an event can be basherte. Hebrew.
beit Knesset. “House of assembly.” Word for synagogue in Hebrew.
beit midrash. Study hall. Hebrew.
beit mikdash. Temple. There were two Temples built and destroyed, the second in 70 C.E. Hebrew.
benched licht. Literally, “blessed light.” Yiddish term for lighting candles at the onset of the Sabbath.
b’ezrat Hashem. With the help of God. Hebrew.
bitachon. Confidence. Hebrew.
bracha. Blessing. Hebrew and Yiddish.
b’tzelem Elohim. In the image of God, quoted from Genesis 1:27. Hebrew.
cohanim. Priestly class, forbidden from coming into contact with a dead body. Descendants of the biblical Aaron. Hebrew.
dati. Religious. Hebrew.
davening. Praying. Yiddish.
der aybishter. The one above. Name for God in Yiddish.
Dossim. Religious people. Singular form is Dos—a term used by secular Israelis to mock the religious, with the soft “s” pronunciation instead of
the “t” that is standard in modern Hebrew.
dvar Torah. Word of Torah. Hebrew.
Elul. Month before the new year of Rosh Hashanah in the Jewish calendar. Hebrew.
emunah. Faith. Hebrew.
Eretz Yisrael. The land of Israel. Hebrew.
farbrengen. Gathering. Yiddish.
fort-da. “Gone” and “there.” German. Also a section of an essay by Freud based on watching his grandson play. http://www.encyclopedia.com/doc/1G2-3435300522.html
frum. Religious. Yiddish.
galus. Exile. Yiddish.
grogger. Noisemaker used to drown out the name of the evil Haman during the liturgical reading of the biblical book of Esther on the holiday of Purim. Yiddish.
GR”A. An initialism for HaGaon Rabbi Eliyahu (1720–1797), a rabbi renowned for his erudition. He placed special stress on the Jerusalem Talmud and taught Rabbi Chaim of Volozhin, who went on to found a yeshiva and spread his methods.
Hag Sameach. Happy holiday. Greeting used on all holidays. Hebrew.
halacha. Literally, “the path.” Jewish law. Hebrew.
hametz. Anything made with leaven, hence not kosher for Passover. Literally, “fermented.”
Hamotzi. Literally, “Who Brings Forth.” The prayer over bread. Hebrew.
Hashem. Literally, “the name.” A name for God. Hebrew.
Hashem yinakem damam(hy”d). God will avenge their blood, meaning humans have no right or ability to take revenge on other humans. Term used for victims of terror attacks. The phrase’s implication is that justice is left only to God not human interference. Hebrew.
hashgacha pratis. Divine providence. The idea that God is looking out and guiding each individual. Hebrew.
(the) Hassam Soifer. Moses Schreiber (1762–1839), Hungarian rabbi, opposed to modernity, best known for statement that “chadash asur min haTorah” (the new is forbidden from the Torah).
hassana. Wedding. Yiddish.
havayah. Experience. Hebrew.
hazzanut. Cantorial music. A “hazzan” is a cantor. Hebrew.
hesed. Loving-kindness. The ability to act with hesed is of the highest value in Judaism. Hebrew.
hutz la’aretz. Outside of Israel. Used by those in Israel to indicate that they are inside.
Imma. Mother. Hebrew.
karpas. Green vegetable. A stage of the seder ritual, which is made up of fifteen stages. Hebrew.
kashrus. The Ashkenazic version of kashrut.
kashrut. Dietary laws prescribed by the Torah. Hebrew.
Kiddush. Sanctification. The prayer said over wine or grape juice on Friday night. Hebrew.
Kindertransport. Trains taking Jewish children out of Nazi occupied areas to freedom from 1938 to the start of World War II. Almost 10,000 children were saved in this way. German. http://www.kindertransport.org/
Kotel. Literally, “wall.” Used to refer to the Western Wall. Hebrew.
lashon hara. Literally, “evil language.” Gossipy speech. Hebrew.
Lecha Dodi. Literally, “Come Bride.” A medieval encomium to the Sabbath Bride, sung in stanzas, the high point of the Friday night service to welcome the Sabbath. Hebrew.
Levi. The class of those who assist the priests; the tribe descended from Levi in the Bible. Hebrew.
limmud. Learning. “Limmud Torah” means learning Torah.
ma’aras ayin. Appearance of impropriety. Hebrew.
matzav. Situation. Hebrew.
mehitza. Partition, used to separate men and women in Orthodox services. Hebrew.
metoraf li’gamrei. Completely insane. Hebrew.
Moshiach. The Messiah. For Jews, the appearance of this being happens at the end of days. Hebrew.
motek. Sweetie. Modern Hebrew.
motzei Shabbes. Literally, “going out of Sabbath,” meaning Saturday night. A way of continuing to orient the week around Sabbath even when it is over. Hebrew.
Naim meod. Nice to meet you. Hebrew.
neshama. Soul. Hebrew.
Niggun. Tune. A wordless tune, used to set a mood. Yiddish and Hebrew.
Nofe Tzedek. Literally, “views of righteousness.” Fictional Jerusalem neighborhood.
omer. Literally, “sheaf.” Counting of the omer is counting of the forty-nine days between Passover and Shavuot. Hebrew.
peyos. “Corners.” Locks of hair that religious men let grow on the sides of their faces. Hebrew.
pigua. “Attack.” As in terrorist attack. Hebrew.
protectzia. Literally, “protection.” The idea that if you know someone who knows someone, they will assist you. Hebrew.
narishkeit. Nonsense. Yiddish.
Nu. “So?” A way to urge someone to do something: “Nu, tell me already.” Yiddish.
parsha. Portion, as in the Torah portion of the week. Hebrew.
Poolhan. Ritual. Modern Hebrew.
rosh (plural: roshei) yeshiva. The title for heads of the yeshiva. Hebrew.
shaharit. Morning prayers. Root is from shahar, meaning dawn in Hebrew. Religious Jews say these prayers each morning.
shalem. Whole. Hebrew.
Shalom Aleichem. Literally, “Peace to them.” Song to begin the Friday night meal. Hebrew.
sheitel. Wig. Yiddish.
shidduch. Match. A shidduch date is one where the couple has been matched by others. Hebrew.
Shir Tzion. Literally, “song of Zion.” Name for fictional synagogue.
shiur. Class. Hebrew.
shomer negia. Literally, “guarding of touch.” The practice of unmarried men and women not touching each other. Hebrew.
shomer Shabbat. Keeping the Sabbath, i.e., not performing any prohibited actions. Hebrew.
shuk. Market. Mahane Yehuda is the name of the biggest Jerusalem market. There is also the Arab shuk in Jerusalem.
shul. School. Used to mean synagogue. Yiddish.
sicha. Conversation or lecture. Hebrew.
siddur. Prayerbook. Literally, “order,” meaning order of prayers. Hebrew.
talleisim. Prayer garments. Yiddish.
Tanach
. Hebrew Bible. Acronym for the three sections of the twenty-four books of the Bible, Torah, Neviim (prophets), and Ketuvim (writings).
tefillin. Scrolls that Jews wear to pray with in the morning prayers. Hebrew.
Teshuvah, tefilah, and tzedaka. Repentance, prayer, and charity. Actions specified to improve one’s fate before the High Holidays.
tikkun. Literally, “correction.” A tikkun is an all-night study session, common on Shavuot.
tov. Good. Hebrew.
traif. Not kosher. Literally “torn,” since the lung of an animal that is torn and not “glatt,” smooth, is rendered not kosher. Hebrew.
tremp. Ride. To get a tremp is to get a ride or to hitchhike, depending on context.
ulpan. Intensive Hebrew language class geared to new immigrants or anyone who wants to learn the language in a short period of time.
yichud. Being alone with one of the opposite sex. Hebrew.
Yisrael. Ordinary Jew, not of the priestly class. Hebrew.
yiyeh tov. It will be good. Hebrew.
Acknowledgements
For years, I have been reading the acknowledgements of the books of others with envy, wondering where these writers find the incredible friends to bring them soup night and day, permit them use of amazing writing spaces, or give helpful feedback.
And now, it is my own turn. I don’t want to cause envy in others but I do feel blessed for the support I have gotten over the years of writing, from so many many sources, not all of which I will succeed in acknowledging.
Robert Mandel, thank you for saying yes—twice! I am so glad to be working with you at Mandel Vilar Press. Miriam Holmes, thank you for suggesting Robert Mandel at Texas Tech in the first place, and Jay Neugeboren, another Mandel Vilar Press author, thank you for suggesting that I submit a second time. Mary Beth Hinton was a wonderful copy editor; I’m glad her attention made sure all the details were right.
My former agent, Jacob Moore, made this all happen. Jacob really helped get the book to a level I could not have gotten it to on my own. Thank you for working with me, for getting the novel as the perspective of a young person, and outlining what the arc of the action in the novel could be, to let me revise it and make it the book I am ready to share for publication. I knew it would work out with you when you told me you were born in Raleigh, North Carolina, the place this novel, too, was born, oddly enough. I am so grateful for your belief and persistence.
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