by Tara Wyatt
“You’re not usually this messy, or this disorganized,” said Sanford casually, paging through the folder Theo had just handed him. “Although this is nicely done. Good work.” He surveyed Theo’s desk again and sighed, tapping the spine of the folder against his palm. “You’re better than this, Theodore. You’re a talented attorney with a keen mind and a sharp instinct.” He leaned a hip against Theo’s desk, surveying the mess again before leveling his assessing gaze at him. “What’s her name?”
“What?” He rubbed a hand over his mouth, his too-long stubble bristling against his palm. He’d crossed the line from groomed to unkempt at least two days ago but he couldn’t seem to bring himself to care.
“Kid, I’ve been a divorce attorney for over thirty years. I know heartbreak when I see it.”
Theo sighed, his shoulders slumping. “I’ll be fine.”
“I know you will be. We all are, eventually. But the getting there can be damn hard sometimes.”
For a moment, they just sat in silence, and then Theo said, “Lauren. She was one of my closest friends and...it didn’t work out, mostly because I’m an asshole.” He glanced up, expecting to see pity or annoyance in Sanford’s expression, but he only saw kindness.
“Is it fixable?”
He shook his head slowly, not really wanting to talk about this with anyone. “No. I can’t change who I am, and she has this amazing opportunity out in Los Angeles, so...” He shrugged, trying to act more nonchalant than he felt.
“Who you are isn’t set in stone, Prescott. That’s the beauty of life. You make mistakes, you fuck things up, and you get to wake up tomorrow and try again. The only real tragedy is if you let those mistakes define you and paralyze you instead of being your greatest teachers. Growth is a choice. Mistakes will always happen. Your past will always be there. But what you do tomorrow...that’s up to you.” He rose from his spot against the desk. “Go home. Eat something. Take a shower. Get some sleep. Start fresh tomorrow. Work from home for a day or two if you want.” He tapped the folder against the edge of Theo’s desk. “And tidy up, kid.” With that, he turned and walked out of Theo’s office.
He sat very still, turning Sanford’s words over and over in his mind, examining them and weighing them to decide if he believed them or not. He wasn’t sure. Yes, tomorrow was a new day and a chance to start fresh, but it wasn’t that simple. He wished it were, but it wasn’t.
He swiveled in his chair and gazed out the window, taking in the light snowflakes fluttering down from the sky, and as usual, his thoughts went immediately to Lauren. She loved the snow, especially the first snow. Was she still in New York? Was she seeing this right now? Or had she already left for LA? It felt so completely foreign that he didn’t even know where she was that it intensified the ache deep in his chest.
What was she doing right now? Was she thinking about him as much as he was thinking about her? He hoped she wasn’t hurting the way he was. He hoped she was leaving him in her dust and moving on to bigger and brighter things. Happier things with the kind of love and commitment she deserved. And even though the idea of Lauren with someone else made him feel like he might puke, he couldn’t hold her back. He saw now that he’d been doing that for far too long. Her words about following him around like a puppy dog came back to him, stinging and sharp, slicing him like tiny knives.
Slowly, he gathered up his things, put on his coat, and slung his messenger bag over his shoulder. When he stepped out of the lobby and onto the sidewalk, snowflakes swirling around him, he flipped up his collar, bracing himself against the chilly wind. As he walked the half a mile to the Chambers Street subway station, he replayed everything in his mind, over and over again. Sleeping with Lauren the first time, letting his pent-up lust for her get the better of him. Her idea that they could stay friends and have sex and that nothing would change, which he’d latched onto like an idiot. How amazing the past several weeks with her had been. How he’d felt like maybe, just maybe there was hope. But then when she’d said she was in love with him...there’d been nothing but fear. He’d known then that he was going to hurt her and it was too late to stop the damage.
But better to hurt her now when the damage would be minimal than to pretend he was someone he wasn’t and hurt her ten times worse down the road. And deep down, there were still embers of anger and doubt at the way he felt like she’d manipulated the situation. He didn’t know if that was fair, but there it was all the same.
His phone buzzed from inside his bag, and he pulled it out. Every single time his phone had gone off over the past week, his heart had gone into overdrive, hoping against hope that it might be Lauren. But it never was, and he knew it wouldn’t ever be. What she’d said by that fountain in Dallas had been a goodbye. And he knew her well enough to know that once she’d made up her mind about something, that was it. End of conversation.
End of friendship.
Brandon: Dude, everyone’s mad at you.
Theo sighed. He hadn’t seen or heard from his friends since returning from Dallas. He had a feeling Lauren had been in touch to say goodbye and she’d probably told them what an enormous asshole he was. He couldn’t blame her. He was an enormous asshole.
Theo: I know. I’m sorry. I wish things were different.
Brandon: So why aren’t they? You broke her heart, bro. Not cool.
The knowledge that he’d hurt Lauren opened up a fresh wound deep inside him. He’d known it, but to hear it from someone else made it fresh again.
Theo: It’s not that simple, okay? Things got complicated.
Brandon: Did they? Or did you just turn chickenshit like you always do in relationships? I never thought you’d do that to her. Not to get all parental on you, but I’m disappointed in you, Theodore. Very disappointed.
Anger and impatience flared through him, but they weren’t directed at Brandon. No, they were directed entirely at himself and the mess he’d made.
Theo: I know, and I’m sorry. I wish things could’ve worked out between us, but it’s for the best. She deserves better than me.
Brandon: I don’t know. Maybe you should let Lauren decide what she deserves.
Theo walked in silence for a moment, not sure what to say to that.
Theo: I’m sure she told you what an asshole I am. She doesn’t deserve an asshole.
Brandon: She didn’t tell me anything except that you’re the love of her life. She could’ve thrown you under the bus and she didn’t because even though you hurt her, she still cares about you. Just so you know.
All of the air went out of Theo’s lungs and he had to stop walking just to catch his breath, earning him a few jostles and annoyed comments from others on the sidewalk. The love of her life? No. He couldn’t be the love of anyone’s life. Not even Lauren’s.
He loaded up a podcast on his phone, jammed his earbuds in, and headed down to the subway, forcing himself to keep moving. By the time he got home, he’d managed to not think about Lauren for almost fifteen whole minutes, which had to be a new record for the week. But then he stepped inside his apartment and all he could think about was how empty and quiet it felt without her there. He dropped his keys onto the console table beside the front door with a loud clatter and shrugged out of his coat, the shoulders damp with melted snowflakes.
Everywhere he looked, he saw Lauren. Making herself a cup of tea in the kitchen, humming to herself. Sitting on the couch with her guitar in her lap, a notebook open in front of her. Laughing with him at the table over Indian food and wine. Naked in his bed, curled up next to him, her body warm and soft and perfect.
He walked into the bedroom and started changing out of his suit, tossing the clothes haphazardly onto the unmade bed. He hadn’t changed the sheets yet because her scent still lingered on them and he couldn’t bring himself to let that small reminder of her go. His hands shook a little as he pulled on a pair of sweatpants and his Columbia Law sweatshirt, a feeling of numbness sweeping over him with the knowledge that these little bits of Lauren would slowly fade out of his a
partment, and then she’d be gone. Really, truly gone.
He sank down on the bed and flopped back, staring at the ceiling, wondering what the hell he was supposed to do.
21
Lauren was quickly discovering that Los Angeles had a very different vibe from New York. Where New York was often gray and cloudy this time of year, LA was bright and sunny, warm and laid back. The pace felt slower somehow, probably because the sidewalks weren’t always crowded with pedestrians rushing everywhere. She missed the New York skyline, but had to admit it was nice looking out her window and seeing palm trees lining the road. LA felt cleaner, but she missed using the subway and was still getting used to having to Uber everywhere. She missed her favorite restaurants, but was finding new places to enjoy. And she had to agree with Sadie’s assessment—LA had a warm, easygoing vibe that wasn’t there in New York.
She missed her friends. She missed Theo. She missed New York. But she was trying her hardest not to dwell on all of that. Trying and failing, but the effort was what counted, right?
Thankfully, she had the novelty of living in a new city and the excitement of working with Sadie to distract her from the fact that her heart was a tiny, shriveled up black thing taking up as little space as possible in her chest. She hadn’t heard from Theo in the week since she’d arrived, and as each day passed, her hope that she might shrank just a little more.
Sadie’s studio was actually a converted guest house on her property, and she spent her days with Sadie working on songs, ideas, and concepts, playing around with things. They’d take breaks to swim in her massive pool or nap in the hammocks just outside. If she hadn’t been so heartbroken, she would’ve been living some of the most exciting, rewarding days of her life. But it was all tinged with a sadness she couldn’t shake. She wondered if she ever would.
“You said you were working on something last night?” asked Sadie, taking a sip of her green tea and then setting it down carefully on the little table beside the glossy grand piano.
She nodded, picking up her acoustic guitar. “It’s got a hint of a country twang to it in my head.” She strummed slowly, playing the G, E minor 7, C add 9, D, C chord progression in three-quarter time she’d come up with.
Sadie pointed at her and sat down at the piano. “I like that. Keep that going.” As Lauren played, Sadie started picking out a complementary tune on the piano, one that highlighted the dissonance of the C add 9, giving it a bittersweet, melancholy feel. After a moment, she lifted her hands from the keys. “What are you thinking, lyrically?”
A tiny bit of heat rose to Lauren’s cheeks. She’d been working with Sadie for a week now, but this was the first song she was sharing with her that was so intensely personal. “Um, I’ve got some scribbles.” She flipped open her notebook, refusing to let herself turn back to the page where Theo had doodled a picture of the Loch Ness monster saying “I believe in me!”.
She swallowed, her throat painfully tight. Then, refocusing herself, she strummed through the chords again, this time adding the lyrics she’d been working on.
“Never forget the way you looked at me
When I told you I loved you, and you set me free
Told me you couldn’t, told me to go
Could’ve let me down gently, could’ve let me down slow
Out by that fountain, the air smelled like rain
Said our goodbyes and got on a plane
Left you behind, but forgot my heart
Left it with you, never said I was smart...”
She took a shuddering breath, feeling the weight of Sadie’s eyes on her as she moved into the chorus.
“Wish I was still wearing your sweatshirt
Wish I was with you, still unhurt
Wondering how I can miss what I never had
You were never mine
Thought you were my last first kiss
Never thought you’d break my heart like this
I wanted forever, you wanted out
You were never mine”
She sucked in a shuddery breath, her eyes stinging, her chest feeling hollow.
“Oh, honey,” said Sadie, rising from the piano and rushing to Lauren’s side. She looped an arm around her shoulders and pulled her in for a side hug. “Are you okay?”
Her guitar slid from her hands, dropping between her legs and she let out a sob, her shoulders shaking. “No. I’m really not. Sorry.”
Sadie slipped her fingers under Lauren’s quivering chin and tilted her face up, forcing her to meet her gaze. “You never need to apologize for your emotions, okay? Never.” She gave her another squeeze and Lauren leaned into her, soaking up the warmth and comfort Sadie was offering. “You wanna talk about it? Let me make you some tea and we can talk about it.”
Lauren nodded, wiping at her eyes as Sadie stood and busied herself in the studio’s kitchenette. Outside, the sun shone, birds sang, the pool gurgled softly. It was a beautiful day in paradise and Lauren was completely miserable.
After a few minutes, Sadie returned, handing Lauren a steaming mug of tea. She took a tentative sip and then sputtered and coughed, the sharp whiskey flavor catching her off guard. “Is there booze in this?”
Sadie smiled and shrugged. “Felt like you could use a little liquid comfort.”
Lauren shot her a half smile and took another small sip, bracing herself this time. She blew out a breath and shook her head. “He broke my heart, Sadie. My best friend in the whole world broke my heart.”
“What happened?”
She bit her lip, wondering when this would all start to hurt less. “We first met in college. I was dating his roommate. Didn’t work out with the roommate, but Theo and I became friends and stayed friends over the past decade. I’m not sure when exactly I fell in love with him. I think it happened slowly, you know? Bit by bit. And it was always little things that would push me a little deeper. The sound of his laugh. The smell of his sweatshirt when I’d wear it. The way the skin around his eyes would crinkle when he smiled. Just being with him, around him. He made me feel happy and safe and like I could do anything.”
“And he’s gorgeous,” added Sadie with a wry smile.
Despite herself, Lauren let out a little laugh. “And he’s gorgeous,” she agreed. “Everything came to a head and we slept together. I thought it could be the start of a new phase in our relationship, but he’s pretty jaded. His parents had a really bad divorce and he’s never trusted himself to be in a relationship. That, and he’s a divorce lawyer, so he sees the ugly side of love and relationships all the time. He thinks he’s broken, but I don’t know if I agree with that. But I do know he’s terrified of being with someone and having it all go to shit.”
“As opposed to how things went with you?” Sadie asked with an arched eyebrow.
“Self-fulfilling prophecy, I guess.” She let out a shaky breath. “I don’t want to love him anymore. Not when he won’t let himself love me back. I want to stop missing him, stop needing him. I don’t want to hurt like this anymore. I lost one of the most important people in my life, and I don’t know how to move past it.”
Sadie frowned sympathetically and looked down into her tea. “All you can do is take it one day at a time, babe. Work through it with your music. Process it and give it as much time as it takes. This isn’t a small thing to bounce back from. And love isn’t a faucet you can turn off and on. It’s more like the sun. It’s either there, or it isn’t, and it’s not within your control.” She picked up Lauren’s guitar and gently put it back in her hands, exchanging it for the boozy tea. “When you’re ready, let’s work on this song some more. I think you’ve got a gem here.”
Taking a deep breath and trying to push all of the hurt and the disappointment and the loneliness aside, she strummed her guitar. “Okay, let’s do it.”
It was the Sunday following Thanksgiving when Theo stepped through the elevator doors and into Lucian’s sprawling loft-style penthouse. Weak sunlight streamed in through the massive floor-to-ceiling windows lining t
he far wall. They offered an impressive view of the city, with Central Park to the east and the Hudson River to the northwest. The expansive space opened before him, showcasing a living area with luxurious furniture arranged to prioritize the view and the massive stone fireplace built into the wall, along with a grand piano. They’d all taken lessons but Theo had left all the piano playing in his life to Lauren; Lucian was the only one of them who’d kept up the hobby. To Theo’s right stood the kitchen, and a hallway off of the kitchen led to Lucian’s master suite, which included a small, high-tech safe built into the wall.
Lucian sat at the glass and chrome table off of the kitchen, a glass of scotch in his hand. Bastian lounged on the couch, scrolling on his phone, looking like pounded dog shit. Theo shrugged out of his coat, tossing it onto the piano bench.
“I have a closet, you know,” said Lucian dryly, eyeing Theo’s discarded coat with exaggerated irritation. Rolling his eyes, Theo picked it up and made a show of carefully hanging it up in the closet by the front door.
“You summoned me?” he asked, sitting down onto the couch Bastian wasn’t occupying. He kicked his leg out, jostling Bastian’s foot. “What are you doing here?”
“He’s staying here temporarily because he got himself kicked out of his apartment.” Lucian’s voice was flat, his irritation much less exaggerated this time.
“What? How?” asked Theo, pushing a hand through his hair. He couldn’t keep up with Bastian’s antics anymore.
“You run one tiny and only slightly illegal gambling ring and everyone has a fit.” Bastian shook his head, as though the entire world was crazy and not him. Theo made a mental note to start compiling a list of good defense attorneys because the odds of Sebastian needing one felt worse and worse.
Moving on from Bastian and his inability to stop self-destructing, Theo returned his attention to Lucian. “What did you want to talk to me about?”
Without a word, Lucian stood from the table and headed for the kitchen, where he poured a generous glass of scotch. Then he turned and came into the living area, where he handed Theo the glass and sat down next to him on the couch, leaning back into the corner.