by Ashley Munoz
“Why did you act like you didn’t even know us?” the dark-haired boy asked, scrunching up his nose.
“Because when you behave like that, I don’t,” I replied calmly.
“Mom,” my seven-year-old whined, throwing himself on the couch, “it wasn’t my fault this time.”
“Well…now doesn’t that sound familiar?” I got up, ruffled his hair, and padded toward the kitchen. Bella was already sitting in front of the fridge with the freezer door open, staring at the three popsicles left inside. They were all red and my little girl hated red, just like I hated chocolate.
“How was your day, Baby Bell?” I swooped down and pressed a kiss to her golden curls.
“Good, but I missed you.” She tilted her head back and smiled at me, her blue eyes dancing with little flecks of gold. She was so cute it made my heart ache sometimes, like I didn’t deserve the love of these two kids because it was so full and so intense and the most perfect form of love I’d ever known.
I constantly thought back to how I grew up and determined my momma must have been born without a heart for her not to love me like this, and my daddy too. Being a parent was the most fulfilling thing that had ever happened to me. It had ripped my chest open, replaced the organ inside with something new and fresh, and then barely sewed it back up so I’d never forget how tender and careful to be when dealing with the two of them.
“I missed you too.” I kissed her nose and the freckle that rested right on the tip then stood up once more. I needed to start dinner, but I was leery of even looking in our pantry. I knew we had almost no groceries left except ramen, and I really didn’t want to eat ramen.
“So, what happened?” I eyed my son, appreciating the fact that he’d let me settle a bit before complaining about his little sister.
His blue eyes flashed toward his sister as his little chin went tight.
Uh-oh…this wasn’t going to be good.
Bella had infiltrated his poor fish tank more than once in the past year, and every single time warranted quite the reaction from my son.
“Beta Baggins is lonely in der! He towd me! Poppy is just making him smile.” Bella cut through my thoughts, adding in her side of this fight with her lisp in full effect.
“You put your Poppy doll in the tank again?” I crinkled my nose at Bella. Her golden curls were barely tied back with a loose elastic, so little pieces were falling in her face.
“Yeah, him’s wonely,” she argued, those blue eyes searching my face for understanding.
“Bell.” I crouched down until I was eye level with her. “You can’t go into your brother’s room and do things without asking him. It’s his personal space, understand?” I brushed her curls back.
Her little face scrunched, her lips turning into a frown. “Okay, fine.”
Standing, I looked over at my seven-year-old. “Give her a little grace—she’s only five, bud.” I ruffled his hair.
Knowing him, it wasn’t really the troll doll in his fish tank that was bothering him. It was the end of summer, with only a few weeks left, and there was only one thing my son was looking forward to.
I walked past the two, toward my room, where I pulled my cell free again and opened the texting app.
Hey, football camp starts this week—are you going to take him?
I shot the text off to Logan, already knowing the likelihood of getting a response was nearly non-existent. That’s how he chose to parent, which was on him. He was missing out big time. He had promised Cole he would be the one to drive him to camp, but I think my son knew deep down that his father wouldn’t do it, just like he hadn’t shown up for Bella’s ballet performance, or her soccer tryouts.
He and his girlfriend had a brand-new baby; they were busy…
I looked at my phone, willing him to respond, wishing he would answer if I called, but I knew he wouldn’t. It was partly why I had full custody of the kids; he usually wasn’t reachable, but if I was being honest with myself—though Lord knew I’d never be honest with my children about this—their father hadn’t fought to keep them. He’d agreed to pay child support and to see them every other weekend, but even that was something he’d done with no enthusiasm.
He hadn’t seen them in two months, although he’d talked to them on the phone and FaceTimed; he hadn’t shown up in person one single time this summer. He lived over the mountain, two hours from where we were, just two measly hours between him and his babies and he could never seem to get away.
“Mom?” Cole crept in, gently laying a hand on my arm.
I hadn’t even realized I’d started crying. I swiped at my cheeks quickly while smiling at him. “What’s up?”
“Um…I was wondering if we could go to the store to look for gear for this week?”
Such a simple request. He didn’t know we only had two hundred dollars in the bank account, or that his father hadn’t paid child support this month. He didn’t know that I was scrounging every dollar we possibly could, and I wasn’t about to tell him that either.
“Yeah, bud, let’s go.”
2
I got the job, and with how padded that resume was, it would have been a crying shame if I hadn’t. I was set to start immediately, which was perfect since I had started pondering how bad it would be to pick up a teeny tiny life of crime—just enough to get us through the next few months. I pictured getting picked for a team where all I had to do was watch some random video feed of a robbery or something. Low impact, low risk…high payout. Thankfully I had my kids to bring perspective and the propensity to always go incognito when I browsed Google for such things.
Graphic design was where my heart beat the hardest. I had started on earning my degree back when I was in Washington but dropped out my junior year for personal reasons. I finally finished obtaining my bachelor’s degree a few years later. I was working through online courses while nursing my babies, running back and forth between making dinners and working shitty part-time jobs, but I did it. Design was handy because it allowed me to work from home as often as I wanted, but it helped to have clients, and since Logan had left…well, things hadn’t exactly been easy.
Finding a flow or any kind of rhythm was nearly impossible with two kids who needed my attention and extra love after their father left. They were so young; I hated that they were going through something as painful as a parental separation. Sometimes I’d forget that I was still going through it too…Logan and I had fought so much after Bella was born, but we suffered through our relationship for three more years before we decided to finally pull the plug.
He showed up on a random Tuesday afternoon with boxes and Dana, his pregnant girlfriend. He moved to Portland, transferred his job, his life…and that was that. We established a custody agreement, one he barely stuck to, but at least he hadn’t abandoned them entirely.
I was finishing up the final touches on a design project I was creating for a local company when a knock sounded on the front door. I had one hour before my shift started at the resort, which meant the person banging on my door was probably my best friend.
Dipping my eyebrows in confusion, I swung the door open, and sure enough, there in all her glossy-lipped glory was my best friend.
“Why did you knock?”
Shay popped her gum, pushing past me. “I didn’t want to assume you were decent.”
I closed the door behind her, moving through my small entryway. “Why on earth wouldn’t I be? It’s three in the afternoon.”
She tossed her massive purse on the coffee table and sank into my couch. “Remember that date I set you up on? The one with Rob?” She sat forward, waiting for me to respond.
Rob…why wasn’t that ringing a bell? Rob…as in Robert? Robby…Robinson? I sorted through all the Robs I knew and thought back to the last time Shay had set me up, not remembering anything until it hit me.
“Dammit! That Rob…skinny guy with the skinny tie Rob!” I groaned, throwing myself on the sofa. I remembered that setup and knew why I’d likely subconsci
ously forgotten it.
“Not again, Bex!”
“It’s not like I purposely stand these guys up—I just forget!” I replied defensively, slashing my hand toward the ceiling.
Lie.
I hadn’t even entered it into my phone.
“I am going to get a reputation. You know how I feel about reputations,” she argued, getting to her feet. Her green eyes were lined with black liner, her lips a deep purple and her cheeks perfectly contoured. She was a pediatric nurse at the hospital one town over, but when she wasn’t on shift, she was the star in every backwoods country song that’d ever existed.
Cowboy boots, denim shorts cut so short you could see her ass cheeks, white tank top over a red bra—that was just Shay: eccentric, funny, obnoxious, and loyal to a fault. I’d have dressed that way if I could pull it off. I was one online supplement trial package from getting my body back in that kind of shape—at least that’s what all the reviews said. Had to be true.
“You only want them if it includes you getting naked somewhere public, or with someone famous.” I repeated her life mantra back to her while pulling myself up off the couch.
“I can’t go around having people saying I have a friend who never shows up to dates—that will ruin it for all my other friends too.” She placed her hands on her chest.
I moved around her toward the kitchen. “What other friends?”
“Wowwwwww, so we’re going there?” She cocked her hip like she was thirteen instead of thirty.
I snorted while scrubbing a dish. “Everyone hates you and you know it, and you know why.” I lifted a sudsy finger at her to emphasize my point.
“Not my fault.” She inspected her nails.
“Definitely your fault.” I rinsed the pan, moving on to the few other bigger dishes that wouldn’t fit in the dishwasher.
“Look, all I do is simply test to see if the husbands are going to be faithful. The second they flirt back, I bust them. Really, these women should be thanking me.” She began arranging the Legos and glue sticks on my counter. “Bella tried gluing Cole’s Legos together again?”
I eyed the Lego house and let out a sigh. “I wonder if he’s even noticed yet.”
She laughed, pulling the blocks apart. The bargain brand glue sticks thankfully could not keep up with Bella’s quirks.
“So, you ready for this new job?”
I finished the dishes, letting out a big sigh. “I guess I’m as ready as I’ll ever be.” I started grabbing dinner ingredients from the fridge. “I really need this job. Logan is late on his payment again this month, and if he keeps doing this, I’m going to need something more permanent.”
“I can always look at the hospital for you,” Shay offered while walking toward the area where I’d just set out my ingredients.
She was always offering, but we both knew the only thing I qualified for was janitorial work, and I hated those jobs. Even with gloves on, I could not touch another person’s bodily fluids.
“Well, I’ll hold things down with the babies tonight. Don’t worry about a thing.” She put the hamburger meat back in the fridge then took off her tiny jean jacket.
“Did you add more sequins?” I laughed, thumbing a rose gold jewel.
“Give it back!” She dove forward to grab the jacket.
“Stop being passive aggressive about my dinner choices,” I argued back, hiding my laugh.
Shay loved altering her own clothing. It was something that brought her freedom and some sense of control. We laughed, but honestly it was sewing and creating that brought us both a sense of security when our worlds shook and rattled. I created with charcoal, harsh lines and dark strokes, while she bedazzled her jackets, sewed on patches, and designed the cutest cuts. I gave her a hard time because her clothing actually looked really good, so good I wanted her to try to get representation for them.
“You know we aren’t eating your meatloaf. You’re wasting your time.” She folded her arms while watching her jacket like it was made of gold.
I relented; she was right. The kids hated my meatloaf. I’d tried thirteen different recipes from Pinterest for the stupid loaf, but I couldn’t make it taste right.
“Thank you for watching the babies tonight. Starting in the fall, I’ll work morning shifts while they’re in school, so it won’t be so frequent that I need help.” She was my only family, and I was hers. If she had kids, I’d watch her spawn as often as she watched mine.
“Sweetie…just don’t forget that you also need a life you live just for you. I know you live, breathe, and would die for those kids, but you can’t keep going if you don’t also think about you.” My best friend softened her tone, giving me that look—the one that said she was sorry my life had turned out like this. It wasn’t the way we had planned on things going back when we were college roommates.
“I know, and I’ll try…I just need things to calm down a little bit.” I traded the onion I was going to dice for a few paper plates.
“Like forgetting you have a date?” she asked, quirking a brow.
Dammit.
“Look, I just…” I trailed off, not sure how to explain this without sounding as pathetic as I felt. “My love life right now…what’s the point?” I shrugged, feeling a tear threaten to fall.
“What do you mean?” Shay moved around the counter, dragging me away from the pizza plates I was readying. Whenever Shay came to watch the kids, she’d always put my dinner back in the fridge and order pizza. At this point, I had no idea why I fought her on it.
“Logan cheated on me…I have two kids, I don’t have the money to get my hair done, or a manicure or do anything else in my…you know, downstairs area”—I motioned down my body with my hand—“I mean, why on earth would I put myself out there when I’d probably fall asleep in my plate of food?” I explained, hating the honesty bubbling in my chest.
I was on the verge of a total meltdown. This wasn’t how I’d pictured my life when I turned thirty; it wasn’t how I’d pictured my kids growing up or spending time with my best friend. The only time I had free to see her was when she came over to babysit.
Shay pulled me into a tight hug. “Honey, the best kind of love story happens when we don’t feel lovable, when we feel ugly and bruised, like the reject of the pile. That’s when that shit sneaks up and bites the hell out of you.”
I laughed at her analogy, because I wanted to feel the pressure ease out of my chest. She was right, but still, there wasn’t this hope or even desire to date…and I was starting a new job. The timing just wasn’t right.
It was never right.
I pulled back and wiped at my face. “I’ve had enough of being snuck up on or surprised by love.” I turned back toward the dinner I was preparing then heard Shay make some kind of sound behind me.
Turning, I looked at her with my brow raised in question. She sat back against the counter, tossing her hand out.
“You’ve only been with two men in the last ten years…that’s not a lot of experience,” she chided while grabbing for a can of soda water.
“They were the two most painful experiences of my life, so yeah…I’d say it was,” I argued back. My chest felt like someone had shoved a fist inside it.
“Bex, you settled for Logan. You never even married the guy because he wasn’t—”
“Stop. Don’t.” I warned her by narrowing my eyes.
I couldn’t go there right now, not today. I wasn’t even sure why, but I hated when she talked about why I hadn’t married Logan. I hated how much honesty was buried in that shallow grave, how hypocritical it had made me.
“Sweetie, you know I love you. I’m not trying to hurt you, it’s just that…you don’t allow yourself anything real. It’s like you were waiting for him to come looking for you or something, like he’d come find you and rescue you from being with Logan. You know I’m right…Logan knows I’m right. It’s why you weren’t angry that he cheated or upset when he finally moved out.”
I gasped, feeling the air leave m
y lungs. “I was devastated.” She had held me while I cried—how could she think I wasn’t upset?
“I know you were…but I also know you better than that.” She crossed her arms, standing her ground on this one issue we never discussed.
I shook my head, not sure how to respond.
“You love your kids more than life itself and for them you tolerated Logan, but if you hadn’t gotten pregnant, you would have left. He proposed to you three times, Bex. You turned him down every time, even when you were pregnant with Bella. Do you want to dive into why that was, or should we both agree that you were never in that relationship all the way?” Shay moved forward, one step…then two. No, because it would reveal how much I was like the bastard who sired me.
“You never got over him…and I think it’s because you haven’t forgiven yourself for—”
“Mommy, Auntie Shay!” Bella ran in, interrupting our conversation.
Thank God.
“Hey baby! Hungry?” I bent down to hug her, flicking my eyes up to my best friend and silently warning her to drop the subject. I hadn’t ever mentioned Ryan’s name around my kids, and if not for Logan screaming his name at me during one of our fights, they wouldn’t even know he existed. Thankfully, as far as they knew after some damage control, he was just some guy I went to college with.
Cole walked in a second later, red-faced and sweaty from riding his bike.
“Come get some water, bud.” I moved around the kitchen, trying to shake off the conversation we’d just had. The thing about Shay was that she was my best friend and had been for eleven years. She had held me through two massive breakups, she held all my cards in her back pocket, and even when I lost sight of my own truth, she was there to remind me of it. It was why she was my person. She was my family, and I couldn’t be mad at her for being honest with me.