by Ashley Munoz
“Ryan, they’re already getting attached to you…it was hard on them when you didn’t call. They don’t understand this stuff well, and Logan hasn’t exactly been there.”
Shit, that had been a dick move on my part.
I stepped even closer, grabbing the backs of her arms, hoping she’d tilt her chin up.
“I know…and I’m sorry. I’m not going to mess with them, I promise. I’m attached to them too.”
“But our past is messy, and I don’t think it’s a good idea to keep—”
“Our past is why you trust me with your kids. You know I’d never hurt them. You know I’d never lose them or harm them. Just let me go pick them up and spend the day with them. Then when you get off, we’ll do dinner,” I suggested, loving these random ideas that kept springing into my head.
Letting out a long sigh, Bexley finally gave in. “Fine, but…just…don’t make them any long-term promises, okay? Please.”
I nodded, stepping backward, feeling excited. “I promise.”
She turned around and headed for the door while I jumped into my SUV.
Being around kids wasn’t something I’d say I was exactly good at if being around them involved some level of skill. My cousins had kids, so once or twice a year, I’d see one. I’d worked with kids on set before, but otherwise I didn’t really have any experience to draw from.
I was winging it and only every so often calling or texting my PA for a little help. I knew she had three kids, at least that was what she’d mentioned once or twice; we weren’t exactly on that level where you share life stories with each other, but I knew she knew things like what kind of booster to buy for a five-year-old and what kind of bike an eight-year-old might get.
But now, as Bella and Cole sat on the couch in my villa suite looking utterly bored, I had no idea what to do.
“Okay, I know there’s swimming around here.” I clapped my hands together.
Cole heaved a sigh. “I can’t get my cast wet.”
Right.
“Well, we could go check out the arcade scene…or the bike rentals,” I suggested, feeling way out of my depth with them. I was an idiot for thinking they’d want to spend the day with me. I wasn’t their dad; they didn’t know me.
“Could we go see where our mom works?” Cole asked, perking up.
“Yeah, let’s go see where Mommy works!” Bella added a second later, scooting off the couch.
“Okay, let’s load up and go see where your mom works.” I went to grab my keys, stopping for a second to think about the rest of the day. “Cole, I know you’re bummed about swimming, but if I get you set up with ice cream, my iPad, and headphones, would you be willing to let me take Bella swimming?”
He tilted his head to the side, as if he was considering it for a second. “Deal.”
I grabbed my swim gear, Bella’s backpack, and my iPad with some noise-canceling headphones, and headed out.
I didn’t know why it mattered so much; I mean, it really didn’t in the grand scheme of things. I just happened to be going to visit Bexley, my ex, with her children. It was fine. Except when I exited the SUV, holding Bella in my arms, a pink backpack hanging from my shoulder and my right hand holding Cole’s while he hobbled down the path, I felt like it was a little bit of a bigger deal than I had originally assumed.
Especially when someone who recognized me snapped a picture of us. Thankfully, I made sure both Bella and Cole had on sunglasses while we walked, so they wouldn’t be able to identify them.
Heads turned our direction as we entered the center where Bexley worked, other customers in line murmuring to themselves while a few of the teenagers I’d seen before talked to each other in hushed tones. One in particular went running toward the back office with a determined look on her face, only to return a few seconds later with a massive grin.
Cole had started for the ice cream case, and Bella clung tightly to my neck as I walked after him. There were a variety of options under the sliding glass window that I knew would take the kid a while to sort through, so I decided to veer back toward the swimming gear.
“Can you swim, Baby Bell?”
She turned in my arms, eyeing the inflatable flamingo and donut ring. “Not weally,” she lisped.
“Should we get you a floatie?” I went to grab one with my free hand, picking up the inflatable toy, along with a set of water wings and two pool noodles.
“Hey…” A soft voice sounded from behind me, meek and unsure, and my heart rate spiked as I turned.
“Bex, hey…”
Bella picked her head up from my shoulder and leaned toward her mom. “Mommy, I’m going to swim!” she excitedly explained, and then Cole saw his mom and started limping over, carrying two ice cream items.
“Mom, look!” He held out his hands. “Ryan said I could sit, watch a movie, and eat ice cream while they swim.”
Bexley cradled Bella but reached a hand out, running it through her son’s hair with a smile. “Sounds good. You guys are going to have so much fun.”
I took a second to appreciate how perfectly Bexley’s khaki pants hugged her ass. I was sure she wouldn’t appreciate my thoughts on the matter, but it was on the tip of my tongue to tell her how good she looked in the simple uniform.
“Well, I better get back. Is she wearing her stuff under her clothes? Because she can’t go in the locker room alone…” Bexley explained.
I hadn’t even thought of that.
“Uhhh…” I started, but shit, I had failed at thinking that part through.
“It’s okay. Go on and change, I’ll take Bella with me into the girls locker room, and you can take Cole with you into that one. Have him sit on the bench while you change in the stall.”
Relief swept through me as I nodded and went up to pay for the ice cream Cole had, along with the pool gear I’d selected for Bella.
Ten minutes later, Bella stood in the hall outside the locker room, her hair piled high on top of her head and her mother smiling down at her. The intimacy of it pinched my chest, making me yearn for that image that kept replaying in my mind: a family of my own.
Admittedly, I had no idea what I was doing, trying to spend time with these kids. All I knew was they made me feel like something had shifted and come alive inside of me. I just wanted to have fun, and with a pair of water wings, two pool noodles, and a floatie in the shape of a flamingo, I knew we were off to a good start.
15
The kids were lounging in the living room area of my villa while I washed dishes. I’d ordered pizza, which the kids consumed while watching some funny kids movie. Their little laughter and joking melted the stone inside my chest, the one that had stopped working as soon as Bexley left me all those years ago, the one I’d sworn would never be vulnerable again.
I glanced at the microwave to see the time and hated the disappointment that rose inside my chest. I had kept thinking Bexley would get a chance to come and hang with her kids while they swam, or while they hung around outside. We’d stayed for almost an hour, Cole relaxing in the shade with his ice cream and tablet and Bella swimming with me in the pool. I hated how often I’d check the door to see if it was Bex coming out to see us, but she never came. When we went to leave, she wasn’t around either, which meant Bella had to ride back in her swimsuit because I wasn’t letting her go into the women’s locker room by herself.
I hadn’t even asked what time she got off work, but it was nearing eight at night and there was still no sign of her. I knew this was all still new, still confusing…but it also felt right. Like these kids were supposed to be here in my rented vacation house, watching HitFlix and making jokes about the different ones I had acted in. They acted out the superhero one I was in, pretending to be me so many times that I started tackling them like I was Godzilla.
God, my stomach hadn’t ever felt so sore from laughing, nor had my face hurt this much from smiling. I wanted to share all of it with Bexley, because she still mattered to me, but also because she seemed so sad and str
essed out. I hated that she was working at this resort. I hated that she had to deal with people like me…like Henna, all day.
Headlights shone through the front window, catching my attention. My palms started sweating as I waited for that small knock on the front door. Internally, I wanted to slap myself for being so eager for this woman who had so easily walked away from me. Our conversation ran back through my head on a small loop, reminding me that there were parts of why she’d left that were on me.
My reaction to her telling me she was pregnant wasn’t my favorite memory. I had been terrified and angry, hurt that my plans were in danger, confused that my girlfriend who knew more than anyone how important football was to me would sabotage me in that way. I’d just needed time to process it.
A low ache formed in my chest as I remembered how justified I had felt in taking that space…how, for ten years, I’d reveled in that knowledge. It was the bedrock for my entire outlook on women, relationships…all of it, the very reason I was now essentially a robot who didn’t care about acting in roles where I had to get hot and steamy with my costars. Hollywood loved the roles I was willing to take on, roles others weren’t interested in…because I just didn’t care.
But now…
A knock sounded on the front door, shaking me from my thoughts.
Striding toward the entrance, I unlocked the deadbolt to let Bex in. Swinging the door open, I expected a bright and happy person to be standing there. I was an idiot for assuming that after an entire day of work, she’d be happy. But Bexley used to always be happy.
“What’s wrong?” I asked, watching as she heaved a sigh and pushed past me. Locking everything back up, I turned around to see what had put that sour expression on her face. That white-gold hair was muted and frizzy, her face red and blotchy.
“Hey kids, wanna pack up your stuff? Let’s get going…I’m exhausted.” Her voice teemed with weariness, tipping at the edges with subdued emotion.
“Hang on a sec.” I stepped closer to her, gently grabbing her shoulder. “Come in and eat, get off your feet.”
Her blue eyes bounced from the kitchen back down to her feet. “It’s okay, I need to get home. Thank you for taking care of them.”
My stomach pitched with anxiety that she was going to leave. I didn’t want her to leave, didn’t want this night to end. I didn’t want any of them to go, and that terrified me.
Not enough, though, to succumb to old self-sabotaging behavior like trying for something again with her.
“Just stay a sec, let me feed you.” I grabbed her hand and tugged her toward the couch. “Take a seat, let the kids fill you in about their day.”
She did as I said, like an exhausted puppet being led around by tangled and too-tight strings. Once she was seated and had dropped her purse, I spun on my heel and headed toward the kitchen. I prepared her pizza, warmed it, and set her up with a hearty portion of Caesar salad. I remembered she used to love pizza as long as there was salad to go with it.
Mincing over to the living room, I handed the plate to Bex, who’d already brightened up a bit just by talking to her kids. Bella had curled into Bexley’s left side, while Cole stayed put with his injured leg elevated on the adjacent couch.
“Thank you, Ryan.” Bexley pinned those eyes on me, pairing the look with a tight smile. She was being polite, but she was irritated that she was here. I still remembered those looks, and no amount of time could go by where I didn’t respond to them.
“Can I get you a drink?” I planted my hands on my hips, insecure about where to stand or what to do. I had on a pair of gray sweats and a simple white t-shirt; I liked to be comfortable when I was at home, but now, in front of Bexley, I felt underdressed.
“No, that’s okay.” Bex gave that constricted smile again, making me want to punch something. Why was she so tense? Was she pissed about my reaction the other night?
“Bex, relax. Take a second and just kick back,” I encouraged, moving to sit on the coffee table in front of her. I needed to show her I was more than just that guy I used to be, the one who ran when I didn’t like something or got freaked out when things got scary.
Bexley kept her head down, carefully chewing on her pizza. The girl I’d once known would have challenged me on how fast she could swallow down a piece, always competing with me and laughing her ass off when she’d win. She would light up the room with how happy and carefree she was. The only time that ever changed was a few weeks prior to her telling me she was pregnant. Now everything had changed. She wasn’t the same person she once was.
“I’m fine.”
Fuck this was annoying.
Rubbing at my forehead, I finally gave in and did something she was likely going to hate.
Her hands full and her eyes on the television, I bent down from my place on the coffee table and grabbed her feet. She’d already shed her shoes at the door, her feet left covered by little white ankle socks.
“Heeeeey!” she shrieked around a mouthful of pizza.
I didn’t give her a chance to pull away. I knew her feet had to hurt after being on them all day, and I was sure there was other shit that had happened to her throughout the day.
“Ryan, no way. My feet are disgusting,” she objected, shaking her head violently.
The kids ignored us, fixated on whatever was on the television, but those blue eyes I had apparently never stopped loving went wide in shock.
“Your feet are perfect. Even after a full day of…” I tilted my head to the side, raising a brow. “What is it you do all day?”
Her lips turning down into a frown had me backpedaling a bit.
“I didn’t mean—”
“No, I know.” Her pink tongue darted out, swiping the sauce off the corner of her mouth. I tracked the movement, willing my dick not to respond, but it was like a flag being waved in front of a bull; Bexley had done amazing things with that tongue in the past.
“It’s just…today was hard, like on a different level hard. I’m so tired, and all I want to do is go home, take a bath, and pretend I don’t have to go back tomorrow.” Her muted golden hair shifted back as she threw her head against the couch.
I rubbed the insoles of her feet over her socks, and suddenly this urge to take care of her took root somewhere deep inside my belly. My stupid mind that had been imagining scenarios lately conjured up this domestic picture of what it would be like if Bex were my wife and she’d just come home from work. It went further, dreaming up ways to care for her and make her feel loved.
I leaned forward, gripped the plate in her hand, and gently set it aside.
“Come on.” I took her hand into mine, pulling her up from the sofa.
“Where?” She let out a little squeak as I lifted her into my arms, bridal style.
“Bath. Pajamas. Bed,” I muttered, jogging upstairs.
“No, I’m not—” Her hands went to my neck, the warmth zinging through me as our bodies connected. Thank fuck she couldn’t feel how hard I was getting.
“You are,” I cut in, forcing my thoughts to more platonic places.
“Ryan, no way. Come on, cut it out.” She patted my chest.
“I’m serious. Check out this tub—it’s huge and there are jets.” I pushed open the door and padded in along the slate floor.
“What about the kids?”
“Well, I wasn’t planning on joining you, if that’s what you’re asking,” I joked, setting her down on the edge of the tub.
Her face flushed pink as she situated herself into a better sitting position.
“I didn’t think that…I just didn’t want you to have to watch them for any longer.” Her gaze lifted, clashing with mine.
Ignoring how wrong it felt to have her talk about watching her kids like they were an obligation or job, I leaned over and started the tap.
“There are bubbles on the side there, candles too. I’ll grab you some clothes.”
“Ryan, I don’t…” Bexley started, pulling her hair over her shoulder.
&nbs
p; “What? What other excuse did you want to give me?” I took a step back, putting my hands on my hips, getting frustrated by how much she was fighting me on this.
That pink tongue came back out, wetting her lips. I was two seconds away from doing something we’d both regret.
The reddening in her face intensified, stretching down her neck as she cleared her throat.
“Nothing…thank you for offering to let me take a bath.”
“You’re welcome. I hope you remember this feeling of gratitude, because when you get out, I’m massaging your feet.”
I turned to leave, hearing a lilt of laughter blending in with the sound of the water rushing into the tub.
16
The bubbles floated and swayed as the jets ran, pushing water into my back. I resisted a moan that was creeping up my throat. My muscles were sore, and my day truly had sucked. It was probably one of the worst days of my life, in all my thirty years of living. I mean, I can’t account for when I was really little, but I was pretty sure today trumped it all.
I didn’t want to confront how much I hated this new job, or how much it made me swoon and melt that Ryan had wanted to take my kids for the day. Not just to get to me, or to see me, but because he wanted to; he genuinely wanted to be around my kids. It shredded me and completed me in all the wrong ways.
Especially when Logan didn’t even offer to take his own kids for the day, or the weekend, or anything more than what the custody arrangement dictated. Which, I understood on a certain level, but my mother’s heart wept for the fracture of his distance in the kids’ lives.
I could hear laughing and giggling out in the hall, outside the bathroom, which meant it was time to put the kids to bed—in their own beds, in our home. Not here, not in this vacation rental my ex shared with another woman.
I almost spoke and voiced that very issue to Ryan, but I could see that look in his eyes, the one that needed me to let him help me in some way, so I didn’t mention it. Besides, he’d assume I was just jealous of Henna. He’d be right, of course, but I wasn’t ready for him to see those pathetic pieces of my inner self.