by Ashley Munoz
“You were right. I was so blinded back then…sometimes it’s a wonder I had you in my life for any amount of time at all. I didn’t deserve you.” His gruff voice tickled my neck.
“You were good to me, Ryan. The best,” I whispered, watching the orange flames consume the logs we’d tossed in.
“No, there are so many things I can see now that were big flags for you, which is why I can’t stay angry with you for leaving. I think if the tables had been turned and I had been blamed like that…accused the way I had accused you, I would have left too.” Lips pushed against my ear, he whispered, “I’m sorry, Bex.”
Pain and hope warred against each other in my midsection. I had waited ten years to hear those words, to hear him acknowledge that he truly understood my position in all this and why I fled. I wasn’t proud, that still hadn’t changed, but to hear him say he was sorry thawed out a frozen place inside of me I thought had died.
Unsure of how to reply to that specific sentiment without completely falling apart, I decided to share a truth with him instead.
“You wanted to know why Logan was so hostile toward you when you first met…” I tried to turn to see him better, but those large hands gripped my thighs, keeping me in place. I tried to ignore the hardness that grew with every slight move of my body. “I came back to Washington a year after I left…I was doubting my stance and what I had done. I had gone to Texas to see my mother, but it was depressing and ultimately a bad decision. She didn’t want me there to see how sick she’d gotten—she had been drinking really heavily, and six months after I arrived, she, uh…she died of alcohol poisoning. I buried her all by myself, with no one there to mourn her. Once I settled her affairs, I decided to move to Colorado and start fresh. I met Logan after designing a logo for his friend’s food truck. Logan flirted, asked me on a few dates, but I kept turning him down. It wasn’t until he kissed me out of the blue and gently asked what I was still holding on to that forced me to travel back. I just had to see if you were okay, or if you missed me. I needed closure.”
Ryan was frozen behind me, barely breathing as I told him this one thing I had never told anyone.
“I went to that bar we liked to visit after your games. Do you remember?” I turned my head.
“Yeah…” was the gruff response I received.
Correcting my posture to face front, I continued. “You were there celebrating a win. You were so happy, or it seemed that way at least. Anyway, the guys were all yelling something at you, telling you to do it already. I had no idea what they were talking about until I moved around enough to see the small blonde pushed against you. You bent down and kissed her. Everyone screamed and hollered for you, a few people shouted ‘Finally!’…and I…I knew then that you were happy. You’d moved on, and I needed to as well.”
Shallow breathing met me from behind as I plowed on in my story.
“Anyway, I drove straight to Logan’s house, and that’s how we got together…my heartache and misplaced hurt over you.”
Ryan muttered something behind me, but I couldn’t make it out. His grip intensified on my thighs, holding me in place.
“Go on,” he prompted.
“Logan and I dated for a few months then he was offered a job in Oregon, which meant he was moving, and it was then that I decided to be honest with him and break things off.”
“You didn’t love him?”
“I was fond of him. I may have loved him, but I wasn’t in love with him…then the day before I was going to tell him…” I stalled, not wanting to tell this part for some reason.
“You found out you were pregnant with Cole,” Ryan finished for me.
“Yeah…”
“So, you moved with him.”
“I did, and I went through the motions…becoming a mother, letting him be the dad…but there wasn’t any depth to our relationship. He noticed and decided to propose.”
“You turned him down,” Ryan said, helping fill in the gaps again.
“I couldn’t marry him. I hated myself for it, but I couldn’t. He bought my answer of just not being ready, until I got pregnant with Bella…two years later. He tried again with a romantic dinner and a massive ring…” I felt a tear slip free, so I swiped at it quickly. I hated myself for hurting Logan the way I had. “I just…I couldn’t agree to marry him, not when my heart was still with you. Unfortunately, he pressed me, needing to know why. I refused to tell him until he dug through some of my old boxes without my knowledge and found pictures and things you’d written me, gifts you’d bought me…all of our time together shoved into a small brown box in the back of my closet.”
Ryan rubbed my back as I swiped at more tears, hating this confession and all it was proving about my character.
“By then you’d started acting…he knew your face and your name and lost it. Demanded to know if I still loved you.”
I couldn’t keep going, the truth too painful to confess. So, I toyed with the blanket and let the tears fall.
“You told him yes?” Ryan whispered against my ear.
I nodded in response.
Ryan’s hand snuck under my shirt as he continued to stroke my back.
“We started fighting after that…then Bella came, and we were at peace for about a year, enjoying her and busy with both kids…we were too exhausted to fight anymore. But once she turned two, it was like we were back at it with more force than ever. He proposed one more time, almost in spite of me…like he was trying to prove one last time that we were done. When I turned him down again, he lost it. He grabbed my memory box and threw it through the window, shattering it to pieces. He yelled and screamed, punched a hole through the wall…told me I was pathetic. You had just been seen making out with someone on a beach and the tabloids had spilled all the details. Logan would watch your HitFlix movies while he was drunk and pause on the parts where you kissed or had sex with the actress…talking down to me, saying you’d never choose me over them. They were so pretty and perfect, and there was no way you’d ever come back to me after tasting Hollywood.”
I choked on a sob, remembering how that comment had split me open and left me raw for weeks. It was a fear I dealt with on a regular basis, and Logan, the father of my children, had exploited it.
“I didn’t speak to him for two weeks after that. After week one, he disappeared…took a bag and just left. He came back from time to time, but our connection was severed, so I brought up the idea of separation to him. He left again and then one day came back with boxes and his pregnant girlfriend. That was the end of us.”
“Bexley, I’m—” Ryan started, but I couldn’t hear his pity. I was already sick to my stomach from sharing so many details with him. Knowing he would return to Hollywood, to his life, to those actresses with this knowledge made me physically ill.
“I think I’m ready to turn in. I’m exhausted.” I slipped from his lap, and he let me.
Ryan left me alone while I readied myself for bed, getting into my sleep shorts and tank top, washing my face with a disposable wipe and brushing my teeth with a little makeshift sink he had set up. I pulled on some tall socks and snuggled under the blankets. My heart thrummed painfully in my chest, honesty like a venom running rampant through my veins.
Tears clogged my throat as I turned away from the entrance of the tent, facing the thin wall instead. Now he knew. He knew everything, and like a deck of cards, he’d shuffle my truth and tuck it into his back pocket, then he’d leave us.
Hearing the zipper of the tent lift, I held my breath as Ryan got ready for bed. I didn’t want him to hear me cry or see my back move as sobs racked my lungs. I wanted to be invisible.
Five minutes passed while he used the water jug, brushed his teeth, and swapped clothing around. Once he finally shut off the hanging lights, plunging us into total darkness, he pulled the blankets back and crawled inside.
At first the silence between us was stifling. The forest at night was much too quiet for my liking; it made me wish for a babbling brook, or the so
und of a waterfall…anything to break up the silence.
Ryan turned; I could feel his chest press into my back. I refused to relax into him, keeping my posture rigid and clinging to the edge of the cot. Minutes passed until he turned again, this time away from me.
Frustration bubbled in my chest, so tight I knew I needed a second to myself. I needed to walk or sit and think. Pushing the covers back, I grabbed my hiking boots, shoved them on, and reached for a headlamp.
I stormed off, away from the camp, breathing in the fresh air and exhaling it harshly from my lungs. I continued walking until I got to the edge of the lake. Squatting down, I dipped my fingers in and splashed the water over my neck and face. Tipping my head back, I watched the diamond white stars blinking against an inky black sky, no traces of the moon in sight. I turned my headlamp off and watched for what felt like forever.
It wasn’t until a cold wind began to blow through the tall trees that I realized I should head back. Quieting my steps on my way toward camp, I was nearly to the rug Ryan had thrown down when a hand reached out and spun me toward a tall evergreen.
“What are…” I protested, but demanding lips cut me off as Ryan kissed me against the tree. Hot searing strokes of pleasure wound tight throughout my body as I allowed him to deepen the kiss. His hot mouth slanted to the side as his tongue darted out, tracing a line along mine. His body pressed into mine, his erection angrily pushing into my stomach as he shoved his thigh between my legs, pressing it right at my center.
“Bex,” he pleaded between kisses.
I gripped the back of his neck and brought him closer as I moved my mouth against his, begging him with a whimper. Those needs I’d shoved down were back with vicious intent.
Hot hands shoved under my tank, teasing my stomach.
Pushing against his knee, I let out a desperate moan, urging him to touch more of me. His hand skirted my ribs until he covered my breasts; he must have known I wouldn’t have a bra on, and his raspy “Fuck” proved as much.
As I rocked unabashedly against his leg, his other hand came to my throat, where his fingers splayed and tightened to hold me in place.
“Yes.” I bit at his bottom lip.
“Shit, Bex.” He massaged me, pinching my taut nipple between his fingers.
Taking what I needed from him, I moved my hands under his t-shirt, over his chest, clinging to him as I ground my aching center against his quad. Exhilaration roared in my chest like a wave, crashing and obliterating the shoreline, leaving nothing behind. No remnants of life remained; he’d swept me out into his uneasy surf, and I was going to drown.
The tree dug into my back, the rough bark raking against the skin exposed by Ryan lifting my shirt.
“You’re so perfect,” hot lips murmured close to my ear.
I was bereft of words as pleasure wound through me at a dizzying pace.
“That’s right, ride my thigh.” He pulled his face back just the smallest amount, watching me in the dark.
I grabbed a hold of his shoulders and moved back and forth at a frantic pace.
“I want you to do it bare,” he whispered breathlessly.
“What…” I asked, trying to catch my breath.
“Take them off,” he murmured through unsteady breaths and gritted teeth. “Ride me bare, let me feel you as you come apart.” He leaned forward, pressing a kiss to the underside of my jaw.
Swallowing as much air as I could consume, I nodded.
He lowered his leg and stepped back. While he did so, he pulled his erection free and stroked it, keeping those eyes on me while I dropped my shorts and completely soaked panties to the ground.
“Fuck.” He bit the word out, stroking himself.
I felt torn in two, my body humming with the anticipation of having him enter me and make me come apart in a way I hadn’t since I was with him last. However, my brain begged me to slow down and remember that the shore I had been deserted on was lonely. A quick fuck in the woods would just lead to more loneliness, more heartache.
But I was already in his ocean; I knew I’d drown here. I’d take my battered heart and let it sink.
“Come here,” I whispered, hating the tremble in my voice.
He stepped back into my space, returning his thigh to its spot between my legs, but his velvet erection remained unbound between us. He slowly peeled my shirt over my head, leaving me in just my tall socks and boots, but essentially naked, against him. Next, his hands came down to hold my hips in place as his length pressed into my stomach.
“Holy…fuck,” he said around his own unsteady voice.
I breathed heavily in response, rocking my core against his leg, loving how it felt to have the feeling from his arousal smear my stomach as I rubbed my clit against him.
“That’s it, ride me,” Ryan urged softly.
His left hand returned to my breast, massaging me. Pleasure wound through me, tightening my nerves, and then hot breath was hitting my hardened nipple right before Ryan’s mouth was there.
“Oh god!” I moaned, tossing my head back as the orgasm shot through me, turning my limbs liquid and making my voice hoarse.
“You’re so fucking beautiful like this, you have no clue how perfect,” Ryan muttered while returning his hands to my hips.
A blush crept up my neck as I looked down to where I had connected with him. My hands wrapped around his neck, our heaving chests close to each other. Desire continued to build in my center as I considered what we’d just done. It was filthy and hot, and I wanted more of it.
Ryan’s hardness against my stomach reminded me he’d yet to come. Standing, we disconnected from one another, but he must have known my motives.
He didn’t go far as he began caressing his shaft in slow strokes.
“Watch,” I whispered as I moved my left hand down my stomach and over my pubic bone, until I was burying my fingers into my center. The wind blew against the trees, making them sway and creak as Ryan and I stood there watching one another.
My right hand went to my breast, rolling the sensitive bud between my fingers while I tossed my head back. The black sky looked like a thousand tiny holes had been poked into it, just barely concealing heaven. I thought of the tall sycamore that used to shield me from the rain, how it was always under a tree that I found refuge, and now here with Ryan…it was some kind of absolution I hadn’t known I needed.
I moaned, moving my fingers in and out of my slick heat. Pleasure began to unfurl inside me once again as I watched his strokes grow frantic. I met him stroke for stroke as I moved my fingers in and out of my center.
“If this were you inside me, I’d already be coming again,” I whispered, pinching my nipple.
His guttural rumble grated along my nerve endings as he closed the space between us. His pleasure burst out in heavy thuds against my stomach while he latched his mouth to mine. He pushed his hardness against my lower abdomen, spreading the mess he’d made, groaning while he did it. The feel of him against me had me wanting him all over again.
We were both spent as we breathed in and out against one another.
I bent to grab my shorts, but he stopped me.
“Let me clean you up,” he said softly while lowering himself to the ground. I watched as his fingers grasped my clothes, but just as he was about to stand back up, his eyes leveled with my bare entrance.
He let out a groan, mumbling something incoherent while he wiped my stomach.
“I’m keeping these,” he said while standing and crumpling my panties into his fist.
I leaned forward and pulled him into a deep kiss that lasted another five minutes before I pulled my shorts on and headed back to bed.
Morning came with a crisp breeze moving around the tent, making the trees sway in the forest behind us. I shivered and snuggled further under the massive weight of warmth. I was grateful Ryan had camped up here throughout his life and knew how cold it would get.
The night before was still playing on repeat in my head. I was surprised it hadn�
�t kept me awake; instead I’d cuddled under Ryan’s strong arm and immediately fallen asleep, but now the thoughts were like wildfire, each detail a lick of fire in my core, heating and igniting…the way his tongue felt against my skin, the way his hands molded to my hips and helped me grind against his thigh.
Biting my lip, I resisted the urge to slip my fingers under my shorts to relive the inferno the images created. Instead, I did what I’d wanted to do the morning we woke up together in his vacation rental and pushed backward, my rear aligned perfectly with his center. A low groan met my ears as warm fingers fluttered along my ribs, pulling me closer.
“You do realize we can’t make a single sound, right?” Ryan’s husky morning voice grated against my sensitive ear. Steel ground into my back as he shifted closer to me.
Nodding my understanding, I pushed into his erection to encourage whatever it was he might do to me.
“I’m going to place my hand over your mouth so you won’t be tempted to moan or scream…or do anything to let on that we’re doing very naughty things under these blankets.”
Heat spread through my chest, swirling around and diving straight into my core as I processed his words. I was desperate for him to touch me. His warm hand came up and covered my mouth, ensuring there was plenty of space for my nose and light enough so I could breathe.
His other hand wound down my frame until he dipped into my shorts and found my throbbing center.
I closed my eyes against the graying light from the early morning dawn and let my mind go. I chose, like I had the previous night, to ignore the fact that I still had feelings for Ryan and the fact that this was probably just physical to him, just another hook-up. To me, it was anything but.
Strong fingers slowly traced along my slit and dipped in and out of me as I pushed further into the hardness at my back. I loved the heaviness of his hand against my mouth, his arm around me…the heat from his body helping ward off the chill in the air. I knew if we had been allowed to lose ourselves, I’d get naked, crawl on top of him, and feel my skin pebble from the chill as I rode him into orgasmic oblivion.