He hadn’t made love to her last night. It was the first time since they were married. She knew that every couple didn’t make love every night, but she had grown used to it. She had come to expect it. She missed it.
She should have kept her mouth shut. He had misunderstood what she meant. She didn’t want to just be held. She wanted the slow, detailed attention he gave to every part of her body. The deep kisses. The soft touches. He said that she didn’t come when they made love that way. That she didn’t have an orgasm when he was inside of her.
It clearly bothered him. But she wasn’t exactly sure why. He made her feel good. He excited her. He made her want more of him. Maybe the fault lay with her. Maybe she was doing something wrong. She was still so new to sex. So new to sharing her body with someone else. She had been afraid of sex for so long. Afraid of men. It was as if she was coming into herself. Every time she was with him she learned more about her body, about what she liked.
She kissed his nipple, then opened her mouth over it, licking him like he so often did to her.
“Georgia,” he groaned. He rolled her over, settling his large body on top of hers. She sighed in relief. This was what she had wanted last night. His hardness between her legs. His breath on her skin. “I thought I was dreaming about you.”
“I’m here in the flesh, sugar.”
He cupped her face in his hands and kissed her, sweeping his tongue into her mouth, making the world melt away. “Good morning, beautiful.” He lifted himself off her before he got out of bed. “I’m going to head into my father’s company office today. I want to see BB before I go.”
He left her alone. In bed. Wanting him. Without even looking back.
* * *
When was the last time he had laid eyes on this building? Ten years? Twelve? Christian wondered as he sat in the car and stared up at the large building that housed Howard and Helga’s headquarters. He wasn’t sure how long it had been since he had been there, but the last time he had come was without his father. Prior to that, he had never been to the office without his father. He used to drag Christian here every summer when he was a boy. To tour the plant. To visit the workers. To impart some knowledge to him about the company.
Before his parents moved South, there used to be a corporate office in Connecticut, the place his father went to daily, but he called this place the heart of the company. He had such pride in it, and after he died, Christian couldn’t bring himself to visit again.
He had come once after their deaths to settle some things with the vice president of the company. To officially turn the reins over, but he’d never made it inside the building that day. His body wouldn’t allow him to do so.
So he kept in contact over the years by phone. Contracts, documents and important papers had been mailed to him. Nearly everything that needed to be handled could be handled without him actually having to set foot in the building. But now it was time. It was past time.
It was so much harder than being in his parents’ old house. The house was just a place where his parents rested their heads, but this company was their heart.
Every flavor of ice cream made there had been created by his father; every product was named by him. Christian remembered his father coming home and talking for hours about this place, and he could never see what was so magical about it. He never understood why his father had such a love for something so trivial. And then he’d died. And then the people who worked with him came to his funeral. Hundreds of people it seemed. They had all stopped to speak to Christian. They’d all told him what his father had done to touch their lives.
Big things, like college semesters paid for and homes saved from foreclosure. And small things like corny bad jokes that brightened moods and a shoulder to lean on and a kind word when needed.
Hearing so much about his father made it real that he was gone. And Christian knew he could never replace a man who had done so much for the world. He could never leave the same impact.
Coming here, he knew he would see his father’s pictures on the walls and the pain would come back. The hole in his chest, that emptiness, would seem bigger. He knew if he walked inside it would be like losing him all over again.
A soft hand covered his, bringing him back to reality, to the present.
He looked over to Georgia, who said nothing, just lifted his hand to her lips and kissed it. She’d asked him if she could go with him this morning. If she could spend the day with him. Even after he’d failed to make love to her this morning. He had wanted to. He should have but he didn’t. Sometimes it seemed as if she only made love to him because she felt it was her duty. He wanted to show her that she didn’t always have to, that sometimes they could just sleep. But she had looked so disappointed he was worried that he had made a misstep with her. He was afraid he had no idea what to do with his wife.
He leaned over and kissed her cheek. Glad she was there. Glad he didn’t have to walk in the building alone. “Let’s go inside.”
“I’m so glad the general and Alma could take Abby on such short notice.” She linked her fingers with his once they left the car. “The general may look like a bulldog but he really is just a teddy bear. Did you see the silly faces he was making for Abby when we were leaving? I hope one of his daughters has a baby soon, because that man was born to be a grandpa.”
He liked the sound of Georgia’s voice, the feel of her hand in his as they walked through the front doors. She made it easier for him to walk in. “Did you have a grandpa? I haven’t heard you talk much about your grandparents.”
She nodded. “My mother’s parents were missionaries in South America. I rarely saw them growing up. They passed away when I younger. I don’t remember much about them. But my father’s parents were there more. I was close to my grandfather. He was a preacher, too, but not like my father. He was so happy. Always. He was the kind of man who made everybody want to be happy. He talked to anyone and everyone. Couldn’t walk down the street without stopping four or five times. My grandmother was his opposite. She was a woman of few words. She didn’t smile very often, never hugged us. She wasn’t any of the things one would expect a grandmother to be.” She frowned thoughtfully. “I used to wonder how a man like my grandfather ended up with a woman like her, but they worked well together. And when he died, my grandmother... She just fell apart. It broke my heart.” She looked up at him, into his eyes. “She loved him so much, Christian. Even though she never said it, the love was there and it was a big love.”
He nodded, trying not to read anything into her words. He had married a woman he knew hadn’t loved him. He thought about that sometimes. A lot, actually. She was sweet and kind and loving, all the things he wanted in a wife. But he wondered how this marriage might have been different if she was in love with him.
They got into the elevator, riding up to the fourth floor, to the offices. To where his father used to spend his days.
“It was my grandmother who helped me when my father threw me out. She was living in a rest home then, and I went to her because I didn’t know where else to go. She gave me money—a thousand dollars—and the name of a woman who could house me until I figured some things out. I don’t know what I would have done if she hadn’t been there. I would have been lost.”
“What happened to her?” he asked her.
“She passed away. Six months ago now. I wanted to go to her funeral to pay my respects. But I didn’t. I couldn’t. I couldn’t bring myself to face them. My family. Sometimes I think I can’t forgive myself for that.”
“You should, Georgia. After what they did to you, who could blame you?”
“I’ll forgive myself when you forgive yourself,” she said softly.
He looked down at her for a moment, amazed that she could read him so well. He should have gone to the airport that day. He should have picked up his parents. They would still be here if he had.
<
br /> “Christian?” His father’s friend and VP, Cliff Chin, walked up to them as soon as they stepped out of the elevators. Cliff had known him his entire life. His family used to spend the summer with theirs. Cliff and his father were best friends. The man openly studied Christian, taking in the differences in him since the last time he saw him. His ruined face. His damaged arm. He couldn’t hide the pity in his eyes. It turned Christian’s stomach. “I guess I should call you Lieutenant Howard.”
“Captain Howard,” Georgia said. “He was promoted for bravery.”
Cliff’s eyes went to Georgia. He was surprised to see her there.
“Captain.” He extended his hand. “It’s so good to see you. I thought I never would again.”
“It’s time. This is my wife, Georgia. Georgia, this is Cliff. He runs the company.”
“It’s nice to meet you, sir.”
“Likewise. I didn’t know you had gotten married, son.”
“It just happened recently. A month ago.”
“I would have come to your wedding. I would have come to see you in the hospital. Damn it, boy! If I had known you were in South Carolina I would have been there for you.”
“I’m not a boy, Cliff.”
“You are to me. You were the last time I saw you at your parents’ funeral. We would have been there for you if you let us, but you shut us out. This company was your father’s life. We were his family, too. We would have helped you. If you hadn’t run away we would have been there.”
“I didn’t run away, and I sure as hell didn’t come here for this.”
“No. I’m sure you didn’t. But since your father isn’t here I’m the one who’s left to take the piss out of you. You were stupid and selfish.”
“I know! I know I should have picked them up from the airport.”
“No.” His eyes hardened. “Not that at all. That was an accident! You couldn’t have prevented it. You were stupid for turning your back on the people who loved you. You were selfish for taking on the pain alone. We loved you, and if you would have taken my calls or bothered to see us in the past twelve years you would have known that.”
“What is all this racket out here?” Mara Smith, his father’s longtime assistant, appeared. “Christian? Is that you?”
She rushed toward him, all five feet of her. “Get down here this minute!”
He bent, like he had ever since his height shot up. He had known her forever, too. She used to watch him when his parents were in meetings. Mara still smelled the same. Like Chanel No. 5 and peppermints. She even looked the same. It wasn’t until that very moment that he realized how much he had missed her.
She studied him, too, sadness creeping into her expression. She touched his face. His burns. His deformed ear. The chin that didn’t look like his father’s anymore. She burst out crying. “What have you done to yourself? Why did you have to go?”
The guilt came again. Maybe it had never left him, but it was a different kind of guilt. A different kind of loss.
He’d had a family this whole time and he’d thrown them away. He’d withdrawn from them because he’d thought they would hate him.
CHAPTER 22
“Mama?” Abby came up to Georgia as she weeded in the garden.
“Yes, my love?” She slipped off her gloves and lifted Abby into her lap. Abby wrapped her tiny arms around her neck and squeezed. A sweet giggle escaped her as Georgia squeezed her back. “Are you happy, baby?”
Abby babbled something and then pulled away, toddling off to study a newly planted patch of daisies.
Georgia looked at her baby in her brand-new dress and little pink sandals that Christian had dressed her in this morning. Abby was happy. Georgia had never thought she’d been unhappy in their old life. But maybe she had been. Maybe Abby didn’t know what happiness really was.
She had her mama all day now. All of her mama. Not the overtired, always worrying woman who took care of her. And she had her daddy, too, now. Her daddy, who took her to the park and fed her breakfast and spoiled her silly. She had a daddy who loved her. Georgia saw the difference in Abby. Her baby was much happier than she had ever been.
She heard the screen door shut behind her and she looked up to see Christian make his way toward her. Her heart lifted slightly at the sight of her husband. She was with him most of the day. They ate together and slept together. Sometimes they just sat together quietly, and every time she was near him she felt those butterflies in her belly.
But when she looked at him, especially these past few days, she knew he wasn’t happy. After that tense meeting at his father’s company Christian seemed to slip further away from her. Even at night in bed, where she used to feel the closest to him. He hadn’t made love to her in days. He hadn’t even tried, and he seemed oblivious to her attempts to bring him closer to her. She was losing him. She could feel him slipping through her fingers and she didn’t know how to stop it.
She rose to her feet, brushing herself off as he approached her. She didn’t wait for him to speak before she reached for him and settled her lips on his. He wrapped his arms around and kissed her back, before he buried his face in her neck.
He wants to go back.
He hadn’t told her, but she knew. She could feel it and it scared the hell out of her. She could ask him to stay. She could demand it and he probably would stay. But she knew he would be miserable if she asked that of him. She should just let him go, but she knew that wasn’t going to fix whatever it was he was going through. He wouldn’t be any happier ten thousand miles away from his family. He would be doing what he always did. Running away from those who loved him. Running away from his misguided guilt. She couldn’t let him do that.
“Talk to me, Christian.”
“I’m going to go get Tobias soon for our fishing trip. Is there anything I can bring back for you?”
“Just yourself,” she said, feeling disappointed. She looked up into his face. He was sad. She could feel it; his heaviness weighed her down. Maybe it was this place. She loved this house and her garden and Charleston, but maybe it was too much for him; maybe the memories were overwhelming.
She couldn’t blame him for being uncomfortable here. She hadn’t been back to Oakdale since she’d first left. She hadn’t visited her grandmother’s grave. How could she expect him to face his past when she wasn’t willing to do so herself?
“I was thinking maybe we could go away for a few days, if that’s okay with you? Somewhere fun. I’ve never been on a vacation before. We could call it our honeymoon.”
“Of course.” He absently brushed a kiss across her forehead. “Wherever you want to go.”
“I don’t know where I want to go. But you’ve been so many places. Maybe you should pick. Take me to where you felt the happiest.”
He frowned at her for a moment. They had talked about this briefly the day they’d gone to the city market. The same day the little boy had called him a monster and wept in fear. He hadn’t been the same since that day. She knew he was sensitive about his battle scars. She knew he looked drastically different than he had before the blast, but he was beautiful. She loved his face.
“If I were to take you where I was the happiest then we wouldn’t have to go anywhere. Because I’m here with you right now.”
She smiled up at him even though her heart didn’t feel her smile. “I wish I could believe you.”
“You should. I’m glad I have you and Abby.”
“But you don’t just have us, you know.”
“I know. The general is there for me and his wife. We have your sister and her husband.”
“And we have the people at Howard and Helga’s. Mara gave me her phone number. She doesn’t live far away and she wants us to bring the baby for brunch. She wants to get to know you again.”
“Georgia...”
“What?” She shook her head. “And then there’s Mr. Chin. He loves you, Christian. I can tell just by the way he looks at you.”
“I don’t want to talk about this.” He pulled away from her.
“Why not? Why is it so wrong to talk about your past, about the people who loved you? Who still love you after all this time?”
His face grew dark. His eyes shuttered. She was going to lose him. He was shutting down on her. “My military service was not a mistake. It’s something I’ll never regret, and I refuse to let Cliff make me feel that way.”
“Of course it wasn’t a mistake. How could it be? If it hadn’t been for the marines you would have never been blown up and you would have never met me. And we both know I’m the best thing that ever happened to you.”
He was taken aback by her words, but he grinned at her. A real smile. One she hadn’t seen for weeks. She could sunbathe in the warmth of that smile. She hugged him close, not wanting to lose that moment. Not wanting him to slip back into his shell.
Abby screamed out and immediately they jumped apart. She was sitting on the grass not three feet behind them, but she was crying. Her tiny face twisted in pain. Christian rushed to her before Georgia even had the chance to move.
“What happened, baby?” Abby held up her hand. There was a bumblebee squished in her palm. “Damn it, Georgia. She’s been stung.”
“My poor baby.” Georgia reached for Abby, but Christian didn’t let her go.
“It’s swelling. Just let me take care of this. She shouldn’t be out here if there are going to be so many bees around.” He walked away from her, back into the house. With her baby. Leaving her to feel as if she’d failed her own child.
She stood there for a moment. Almost stunned that he’d scolded her.
“Hello, neighbor.” She turned at the sound of a man’s voice. She forced herself to smile even though it was the last thing she felt like doing.
Jericho (A Redemption Novel) Page 24