by Amy DeMeritt
Her closing reads, “Sincerely in love with you all”, yet she doesn’t know any of us. She allows comments on most of her posts, but she rarely responds directly to any individual post. Besides, she called this blog a “one-sided conversational journal”. So, in actuality, she’s in love with herself because she’s the only one talking. Wow, for the first time, I’ve realized just how narcissistic this woman is. No one is good enough to kiss or get close to because no one is her.
People aren’t perfect, and yes, most of them are very disappointing and hurt us almost daily, but there are still some pretty good people out there, and when we let them, they will surprise us with just how wonderful and loving they can be.
Normally, after I’ve read one of her blog posts, I feel a sort of longing and deep desire to know her, face to face. But this post does not elicit either of those feelings. I actually feel a bit guarded against her. This post almost feels toxic to me. I’m the exact opposite of this post and the suggestions of closing oneself off is shocking to my system – like someone pouring ice water over me after I’ve been baking in the hot summer sun for hours. This post is by far the most revealing of who she really is than all of the posts I’ve read over the past few years. To say I’m disappointed is an understatement.
I don’t typically comment on her posts because I know she won’t respond, but today I feel like a parent that needs to scold a child.
Guest Comment
Hey, “Controversial Lesbian”, heads up, your mask is slipping. You claim to hide behind anonymity out of fear of judgement or because “no one” can hear and listen, but I think it is more likely you don’t want anyone to be able to call you out for what you really are – self-absorbed. Do you consider what that person that can’t hear you may be going through themselves? We all have stress and demons in our lives – you cannot expect a person to give you 100% in any one moment – it’s not possible. We aren’t robots that can process on only one level at a time. Our minds go in a million directions at once, all day every day. How can you claim to love your readers? You call this blog your “real” life? What a sad life – a “one-sided conversational journal”. You might as well be locked in a dungeon with only paper and pen to keep you company. “Thousands of avid readers” – too bad you will never really know how beautiful and wonderful they all are because you are too much of a coward to “crawl out of your own ass” long enough to get to know them. Here’s signing off, “unapologetically judgmental” and broken free from the chains of my three-year long infatuation with you. Thank you for finally revealing your true colors for me so I could be set free from you. Today will be my last visit to your blog.
I quickly unsubscribe to the email notifications and text alerts from the blog. I reread my comment, take a deep breath, and delete the site from my bookmarks. Wow, I can’t believe I just did that. My hands are slightly shaking and my heart is racing, but I don’t have any regrets. Of course, deleting the site is purely symbolic since I have the site memorized, but it feels good. I feel like I can finally appreciate the people I have right here in the flesh with me. It feels so good to be able to go into this relationship with Bailey without this phantom woman haunting me, making me wonder if the woman I’m with is the best or if the blogger is the best. No, I know without any uncertainty or doubt that this blogger could never be the right woman for me. I could easily be friends with her, but she could never complement me, which is what I need in a woman.
“What are you grinning about?”
My mom has just come out of the bathroom dressed in her scrubs. My mom works two jobs. She’s an aid at a nursing home four days a week, and a waitress at some fancy hotel restaurant for as many days or nights as she can get scheduled for.
“I finally closed a door that I never should have opened.” She gives me a crooked smile. “Baby girl, you know I don’t do well with riddles. What the hell are you talking about?” I laugh and shake my head. “Yet, you used to read me riddles, nursey rhymes, and fairytales almost nightly when I was child. I finally decided to stop following that blog.”
Being an open book means that everyone knows, not just my good qualities, but my faults and weaknesses as well, so I know I don’t need to explain further – she knows what I’m talking about. She smiles and quickly throws her wet hair up into a bun.
“It’s about damn time. Does that mean you have a new pussy cat in your life?” I laugh and nod my head cheesing like a fool. “Her name is Bailey. She is beautiful, brilliant, and has a kind passionate heart.” My mom smiles and leans over, giving me a kiss on the forehead. “She sounds like a fairytale. Hold on to that one. I have to get going. I’m sorry I had to wake you up so early. If you have time, you should come up and have lunch with me so I can hear all about this new girl of yours.”
“Ok, text me a time.”
Chapter Five
As I drive to Bailey’s for our movie date, butterflies erupt in my stomach. I haven’t seen her since our date Friday night. I was hoping she would be in the coffee shop this morning, but she texted me that she wouldn’t be in because of all the work involved in getting the magazine laid out and ready for publication. The last time I came to her house, she almost stood me up because of unforeseen delays at work. I’m slightly biting my bottom lip and praying in my head that she will be home this time.
I end up having to park almost a full block away and have to walk. This only puts me even more on edge. If she’s not home, my walk of shame is going to be agonizingly long! Oh Bailey, please be home!
Just as I reach the hedge of the neighboring home, I look up at the stoop of her building and notice someone sitting on the steps. After a moment, I realize its Bailey. My face spreads into a wide grin and I feel my nerves release their tense grip on my shoulders and stomach. Bailey sees me and stands with a beautiful warm smile on that soft sweet mouth of hers.
When I reach her, she does that adorable nervous little shuffle of hers with her feet before stepping in close for a hug. She pulls back slightly and looks at my face smiling. “Hello, Piper.” I laugh a little and gently kiss her lips. “Hello, Bailey. Do you always wait on the stoop for your dates?” She blushes a little more and shakes her head. “No, but I didn’t want you to be standing here worrying if I was actually home this time.” She takes my hand and turns to walk inside. I feel a slight twinge in my belly as those butterflies start to dance in joy rather than frantic nerves.
Bailey walks us to her kitchen before she releases my hand. “Would you like a drink?” She looks down and suddenly notices the bag I’m carrying and gives me a small smile. “What’s that?” I smile and put the canvas shopping bag on her counter. “Snacks. I don’t know what your favorite movie snacks are, so I brought a little bit of everything.”
She starts pulling stuff out of the bag. There’s microwave popcorn, several different kinds of theatre boxes of candy, chips, and oranges. She lifts the oranges and gives me a quirky smile.
“Oranges?” I laugh and nod my head. “That’s so we don’t feel so guilty about eating all of the junk.”
“Makes perfect sense. These are actually my favorite.” She’s holding up the box of Sno-caps. I feel those little butterflies dance again. “Mine too.”
She puckers her lips slightly to the side, holding the box to her chest as if she’s trying to protect it from me. Then she grins, and says, “Ok, I guess we can share.” I laugh and her smile widens as she sets the box down and turns to open her fridge.
“Ok, I have iced tea, ginger ale, beer, wine, and water. What would you like?”
“Tea or water is fine for now.” Bailey grabs a jug of home brewed iced tea and pours two tall glasses after filling both with ice. “Do you like lemon in your tea?” I shake my head. “Not unless its hot tea.” She smiles in an approving away and then puts the jug of tea away.
After Bailey makes a bag of popcorn and empties it into a large wooden bowl, she loads the popcorn bowl, box of Sno-caps, and our drinks on a tray. She miraculously balances the tra
y on one arm, while she takes my hand with her other, and leads us into the living room.
“That’s impressive.” She smiles and expertly sets the tray down on the coffee table. “Before I worked at the magazine, I was a waitress. It took dumping an entire tray on a customer before I was able to get this down perfect.”
“Wow, that must have been mortifying.”
“Oh, I got my first gray hair that day. I’ve never found it, but I know it’s up there. I know I felt the horror of the moment bleach at least one strand white forever.” I laugh hard and shake my head. “Bailey, you do not have a single gray hair.” She smiles and shrugs a shoulder. “Maybe, but I still earned one that day. It was bad enough it fell on a customer, but the customer was my boss’s wife.”
“Oh my god. Are you serious? What happened?”
“Well, you know that commercial for that bathroom cleaner with all the little cartoon scrubbing brushes that go to work scrubbing your tub for you?” I laugh and nod my head. “Yeah, what about it?”
“Ok, well, that was me. I descended upon her like a dozen little scrub brushes, frantically pulling plates and food off her. It wasn’t till she started laughing that I realized I was using my apron to try and scrub red sauce off her chest. My face turned beet red and I started profusely apologizing. She was really very good natured about it. Thankfully, I didn’t get fired.”
“Wow. That sounds more horrifying than my first day as a barista. My first job after getting certified was at a small traditional coffee shop. Have you ever seen those copper kettle style cappuccino machines?” She nods her head and grins. “Well, I was so nervous that I messed up the pressure system in the machine and coffee sprayed everywhere. Thankfully, it was before we opened and we were able to get cleaned up before any customers came in. My boss didn’t let me touch that machine for weeks after that though.”
Bailey laughs and walks over to her shelf to grab the movies. “I’m glad I’m not the only one that had that horrible cliché first day on the job that they love to put in pretty much every family sitcom on TV.” She comes over to stand in front of me with the movies behind her back and smiles. “Pick a hand.” I tap her right thigh and she grins, turning around to put the movie in.
She settles down next me and grabs the box of Sno-caps. “How was your day? Spray anyone with coffee?”
“Thankfully, that has not happened since that first day. It was just a typical day. Did you get everything done for the magazine to go to press?”
“Yeah, last minute. We had a half empty page that we needed to either fill or figure out how to rearrange some things so we could drop the last page without losing content. That part gets frustrating because we can’t just move articles around wherever we want. We can’t take an article we paid the journalist a prime rate for from the front half and place it in the back half or vice versa. There were three prime rate articles this month, so we couldn’t really move anything around. We ended up having to run a filler promotional advertisement to fill the empty space. We hate doing that, but sometimes we have no other choice.”
“Do you like doing puzzles?”
“Yeah, why?”
“It just sounds like something you would be good at. My mom’s been working at a nursing home for about fifteen years so I’ve gotten pretty good at puzzles. As a kid, she used to take me in with her during the summers when school was out if she couldn’t find someone to sit with me at home. So, I spent most of my summers in the recreation center doing puzzles with the residents while my mom made her rounds.”
“That’s really sweet. Were you close to any of them?”
“Yeah. I spent so much time there that most of the residents became like family to me. I think that’s why it didn’t bother me too much that I didn’t have any of my own grandparents in my life. I had about fifty of other people’s grandparents that I saw several times a week and we all kind of adopted each other as family.”
“Do you still go visit?” I nod my head. “Occasionally. I met my mom up there yesterday for lunch and after she had to get back to work, I spent a couple hours with some of the residents that I know.”
“We had to do that in high school – go to a nursing home once a week for a couple months. I really enjoyed it.”
“Why don’t you come with me some time?” Bailey smiles in a very happy affectionate way and nods her head. “Ok, I’d like that.”
Bailey pushes play on the movie and we start watching one of her favorites – the Britney Murphy movie.
Bailey leans forward to grab her tea, and when she settles back, she has moved closer to me. Our arms are now touching and her thigh is pressed against mine. I feel like electricity is shooting through my body with her body touching mine. It feels so good. Her hand is resting on her thigh next to mine so I gently reach over and take her hand in mine. Bailey entwines her fingers with mine and I feel warmth spread up my chest and over my face. This is nice.
I keep wanting to turn and steal a glance at her, but the movie has subtitled parts so I have to really focus or I won’t know what’s going on.
We’re about twenty minutes into the movie when Bailey turns my hand and rubs her thumb over the tattoo on my wrist. She turns more in her seat so she is more sideways looking at me. When I turn to look at her, she is looking at me like she is scanning my body like a security guard at the airport.
“Uh, what are you doing?” She laughs and blushes a little. “I’m trying to figure out where your other tattoos might be.” I smile and laugh a little. “I thought we were supposed to be watching a movie?” She smiles and pauses the movie. “Are there any that I could see right now, like without you undressing?” She blushes slightly and I laugh. “Two.” Bailey slightly bites her bottom lip with a grin. “Can I try to find them?” I nod my head and smile. “Be my guest.”
Bailey pulls me up from the couch and walks around me, looking me up and down with her finger on her chin like she is appraising me. I laugh and a wide smile spreads across her face. She steps up behind me and gently runs her thumb over the back of my pixie cut hairline. I smile really big. She is very close to one. Her whole hand palms through my short hair and my eyes close. Oh god, that feels good. Both of her hands are moving through my hair and her body is so close to mine, but just far enough away that I can just barely feel her against me. It impossibly electrifying. She tilts my head just a little and more firmly parts my hair just behind my right ear.
“I found one. It’s a tiny little thing. Did you have to shave this part of your head to have this done?”
“Yeah, but not too much.”
“Is this a water symbol?” I smile. “It is.” Her lips gently press against the side of my neck for a moment. “I really like it. Ok. So, I have one more to find.”
She moves around me again and slightly bites her bottom lip, trying to figure out where to look next. She starts to lift my right arm that has the heart tattoo on the wrist, but then drops it and lifts my left arm instead. She smiles and lifts my arm straight up in the air and moves in very close with our bodies just barely touching. She looks in my eyes with a smile.
“I found the other one.” She rubs her thumb over the small tattoo on the inside of my bicep and then looks in my eyes. “Is this an upside down flashlight?” I smile and shake my head. “Here, look at it this way and look across both arms.” I hold my arms out to the sides and Bailey smiles really big.
“Do you see it?” She bites her bottom lip and nods her head. “The light passes through your heart in your chest, and the mirror image on the pulse on your wrist reflects the rainbow beam of light out to your hand. Your hand will then help make beautiful things happen in the world. Wow. Piper, that is beautiful.”
Before I can respond, Bailey wraps her arms around me and kisses me on the lips. I wrap my arms around her and she slips her tongue in my mouth, giving me a beautiful sweet kiss. When she pulls back, she’s still smiling.
“Ok, we can watch the movie now.” She takes my hand and leads me back to the
couch. She loops an arm with mine and entwines her fingers with mine, holding my hand on her lap.
After about twenty minutes, Bailey switches the hand holding mine in her lap and runs her fingers through my short hair. Holding her fingers firmly in my hair, she uses the pad of her thumb to move the hair over the small water sign tattoo behind my ear. Oh god, her hand in my hair feels so good. I smile and my eyes slightly close as she repeats the firm parting of my hair with her hand a couple times. She then loops her arm back through mine and gently kisses the side of my neck.
“I really like playing with your hair.” I smile and turn to look at her. She’s smiling and looks like she wants to kiss me again. “You definitely won’t hear any complaints from me when you want to play with it.” She smiles wider and leans in to kiss my lips. She holds them against my lips for a moment and then pulls back. She snuggles in close and we go back to watching the movie.
As simple as a concept as it seems, I’ve actually never had a girlfriend that will share her movie snacks. Either, we never had the same taste in movies snacks, or the girl just didn’t want to relinquish her box of candy or bowl of popcorn to anyone. More than once, Bailey offers me the box of candy and it actually surprises me enough that it takes me a couple moments to realize she is seriously allowing me to have some of the candy.
It might seem silly, but the extreme contrast from what I’m used to actually causes emotion to well up inside me and I feel moved with joy and comfort.
When the movie ends, Bailey pulls her arm out of mine and sets the now empty box of candy and nearly empty bowl of popcorn on the snack tray she carried in earlier.
“So, what did you think of the movie?”