Bound by Secrets

by Angela M Hudson

  I watched her for a moment in the reflection of her dresser mirror, as I’d done so many times before, but now with new eyes. She drew her wedding band from her right hand and slipped it onto the correct finger, free to omit such an expression in this room with a closed door. And how could anything have been sweeter or more suggestive than that? How could anything have been a greater gift to me on my birthday than that one simple admission of love?

  I took my ring from my left pinkie and slipped it onto my ring finger, making her eyes change as the same emotions that pushed through me a second ago moved through her.

  “I lied before,” she said.

  “About what?”

  Her body language changed—she became fidgety, nervous. When she sat down on the edge of her bed, thumbs twiddling, an edgy ball formed in my chest. I sat down beside her, waiting patiently.

  “Beth is lovely, isn’t she?” Ara turned her cute smile on me, catching me off guard.

  “She is. My brother has done well.”

  “Yeah.” She nodded, her smile flaking away. “Do you think Elora and Harry would mind if…”

  “If?”

  “If… I mean…” Her shoulders inched closer to her ears. “I don’t remember being their mother. What if… if I ever have another child—”

  “You’re worried they might feel less loved if you display a different love to another child?”

  She nodded, shrugging one shoulder and twisting her nose up all cute. I smiled, kissing it. “Sweetheart, it’s natural to feel that way, but no. Harry and Lors wouldn’t think you loved them any less, I can promise you.” I waited for a moment to see if she would admit that she wanted another child. I’d seen the look in her eye this morning. I knew her better than she knew herself, which was why I asked her that question at breakfast. I just wasn’t sure she could admit it herself, much less to me. And if she did, what then? She wasn’t ready. Not for a child. To admit she wanted one, yes, but we both still had a lot of growing to do.

  “I feel a sense of urgency,” she said out of the blue.

  “Urgency?”

  She nodded. “Like it’s supposed to be.”

  “What is?” I waited, but she didn’t speak. She only moved her hands, my eyes following to where they rested across the base of her stomach. And I wanted to cry. I shook my head instead and closed my eyes so I wouldn’t have to see her heart break. “Not now, Ara.”

  “Why?”

  As much as I’d tried to hide from it, even with my eyes closed, the hurt was right there, raw, in her voice. Something she hadn’t even thought of this morning had somehow manifested into a deep desire by this afternoon. I knew why. I understood. But I could not rightfully give her what she wanted and also sleep at night. There would be time later to explain. Time later to talk. Time later for our new life. That time was not now.

  “I love you.” I brushed my hand along the side of her face, resting it over her cheek. “I want that with you. I do. More than you will ever comprehend.”

  “Really?”

  “Yes.” Overcome by emotion, I tried to steady my voice, but it broke away, and my hands shook. I pressed my brow to hers. “But I’m not ready yet. If I’d known what asking you that question this morning would do, I’d never have said it—”

  “I’m sorry,” she whispered. “I don’t know why this suddenly matters so much to me.”

  I laughed. “Vicki could explain it. I bet there’s a whole host of reasons, including the fact that you just met several people from your past and have no recollection of ever having loved them. You’re a mess, Ara. I’m a mess. And we can’t bring a baby into this mess, okay?”

  She nodded, slowly taking her hands away from her belly, and that one simple move burned a hole through me. The heat travelled down my chest and into my groin, forcing me to my knees on the bed beside her.

  She rolled back to accommodate my suddenness, opening her mouth as I pressed mine to it. There was a minty sweetness to her breath, her wet lips and her warmth so subtle yet so overpowering that I looked to her skin, because I knew it was aglow with that magical blue light that I hadn’t seen in so many years. Her electricity.

  Before she learned to control it, sex had been unpredictable and exciting, dangerous—it sometimes turned my eyes blue. And with me human right now, it was ten times more deadly than before. But I didn’t care. I laid my body atop hers and she arched her spine as my hand travelled up her shirt. I could feel the raging tingle all over her skin, making my hairs stand on end and my toes sting. She needed this. She needed my touch, my love, my seed, like she needed to breathe, and I would give it to her purely because I could not resist her.

  Something primal, some deep instinctual urge was calling on me to create life right now—despite everything that stood against us. Despite everything that could go wrong for us from here. None of it mattered. It only felt right to make love.

  I pulled back and ripped the button open on her jeans, both of us laughing as I jiggled her out of them. “How the hell did you get these on?”

  “I had to lay on the bed and suck my gut in.” She laughed.

  I managed to get them off, her underwear rolling down with them, and threw them away like red-tape standing in my way, giving her no time to calculate my next move before I landed between her skinny legs, tearing down the zipper on my jeans as I forced myself inside of her. She let out a little cry, but as the moisture rushed in to lubricate the way, her body relaxed and her hands went into my hair.

  I fucked her hungrily, kissing and biting her shoulder, her neck. I had intended for our next session to be loving and sweet, but her deep desire to procreate had unsheathed the animal in me, and I needed to fuck to release it.

  The headboard hit the wall, making the window rattle, while outside the sunny day turned slightly stormy. It was as wild a change in the weather as it had been in my behavior, and I found myself wondering, beneath her moans of pleasure, if she had altered my state, or if fate had. She wasn’t aware she could do it yet—make a person feel calm or sad or happy, among other things—but the overwhelming emotion I felt right now seemed oddly driven by something other than her supernatural abilities.

  “Oh shit,” she screeched, wrapping her legs tightly over my back. “I think I’m gonna…” Her voice pitched suddenly, and she curled into me, burying her face in my chest, her insides tightening until I could no longer hold on. I wanted this to last, to draw it out and appreciate every touch, every pulse, but I released myself inside of her, losing the battle against the sane man inside me that planned to pull out first.

  As the flow of liquid liberated my body, cold regret swam through me faster than my sperm now swam toward her ovaries.

  I pulled out, squeezing the tip to stop the flow. “What have I done?”

  She didn’t seem fazed. She smiled to herself, breathing deeply, one breast exposed out the side of her top, her legs parted, my cum seeping out onto the pink bedspread under her.

  “Shit.” My arms felt weak. My heart even weaker. There was no guarantee she would be pregnant now, but it was stupid of me to have risked it. She was still too young, too immature. What the hell had I been thinking?

  I sat down on the edge of the bed, tucking my dick back into its prison, shaking my head the entire time.

  “What just happened?” She wrapped her arms around my waist, rolling onto her side to press her face to my hip.

  Good question.

  Ara jumped a mile high then and covered her bare hips with the corner of her quilt, sitting bolt upright behind me. “Why have you come?” she said.

  I thought she was talking to me, until I noticed her gaze fixed on the end of her bed. I turned slightly to sit beside her, watching her expression change.

  “Well you picked a God-awful time to just drop in,” she said, and then laughed. “No, you’re here now, you might as well say hello.”

  “Who are you talking to?” I asked.

  Her head whipped around then, and she looked at me as though
she’d forgotten I was here. “He swears he wasn’t watching us.”

  “Who?”

  “And he says it’s normal to feel that way when someone has a baby,” she added. “It drives the instinct in all of us, and you shouldn’t hate me for it.”

  “Hate you?” I gaped, confused. “Ara, who are you talking to?”

  “Arthur.” She nodded to the empty space, and the air in my lungs went cold.

  I got up, freezing on the spot just by the bed. “My uncle is…”

  “Mm-hm.” She nodded, readjusting her seat.

  Everything I ever wished I’d said to him came flooding like a million thoughts to the front of my mind and then quickly vanished, leaving me breathless and tongue-tied. “I… I wish I could see him.”

  “He does too,” she said. “He wants you to know that he’s happy now… with Arietta and E… Elora?” Her tone changed. “Your baby is Elora too?”

  She went silent. I was about to explain how our daughter got her name, but when Ara nodded, I gathered Arthur was doing just that.

  She smiled at me, reaching for my hand. I didn’t want to give it. I wanted to sit with my uncle and tell him everything bad that had happened to us, and yet I got the sense somehow that he already knew, and understood.

  “He has to go now,” Ara said. “He can’t stay long on this plane, but he just dropped in to ask you to tell Jason he’s been checking in, and tell him his daughter is beautiful. He also said to be nice to Cal.”

  I laughed. “Liar.”

  “No, really.” Her eyes turned on me, brimmed with truth.

  What an odd request. “I will,” I said to my uncle.

  “And he knows,” Ara said, her eyes fixed on that empty space. “And you know too, don’t you?”

  “Know what?” I said, looking from her to the ghostly chill.

  “That he loves you and you love him.”

  A breath caught in my throat, making my eyes tear up. I sat down hard on the bed, closing out the world for a second. When I opened my eyes, the heaviness in the room was gone, leaving me alone again with my wife and the deep regret for the mistake I just made with her.

  “It’s not a mistake,” she said, getting up on her knees, leaving herself bare in front of me. I cupped her waist, letting my thumbs fall against her pubic hair, as if I could feel the possibility of life now growing just beneath it. “I mean it,” she added. “I heard what you thought. And creating life is not a mistake. Ever.”

  “It is when it’s done with a girl that’s essentially a teenager in her mind—”

  “And I will grow,” she assured me, coming down to my level. “We can’t help what we feel—”

  “But is it what I felt?” I stood up again. “Or did you make me feel that way?”

  “Make you?” She sounded hurt and insulted. “How can anyone make someone feel something?”

  “You can!” I wheeled around angrily to face her. “It’s one of your gifts—was one of mine. I taught you how!”

  “Oh.” Her face paled and she reached for a necklace that wasn’t there. “That explains so much.”

  “So you did do that?”

  When she nodded, her mouth falling open in hurt and shock, a rolling wave of pity consumed me.

  “What have I done?” she whispered. “I…”

  “Nothing.” I swept in and knelt by the bed, turning her at the hips to sit in front of me. “You didn’t mean it, Ara.”

  “I… I didn’t know… I…”

  “It’s okay.” I pressed my forehead to hers.

  “No.” She pulled away. “It wasn’t real. I thought you wanted me like I wanted you. I…”

  “Ara, please…”

  “I feel so stupid!”

  “You’re not.” I couldn’t look at her. I gripped her thighs with both hands and squeezed unintentionally hard, trying to find words for this. “You didn’t know.”

  She buried her face in her hands. “I didn’t think it through. I saw Beth… when I held her, nothing in this world felt more right than making one of my own.”

  “Then it was done out of love,” I said, but I didn’t feel that way. It was stupid and if she was pregnant now, I would be carrying that weight. Not her. She was too young in the head to comprehend exactly what it meant to have a baby. It was all fun and games to her—a Hallmark card—she couldn’t possibly understand what was to come, what would be demanded of her body, her mind, her heart. My heart.

  “I’m sorry, David.”

  I looked up at her, my eyes lensed with tears, and smiled. “Don’t ever be sorry for wanting a child, Ara. It is the most precious and beautiful thing in all of the world.” My voice cut out on the end. “And we’ll be okay. If it… if you’re pregnant, we’ll be okay.”

  “It just felt so right.” her eyes glazed over and drifted away from me. “I couldn’t control it.”

  I laughed. “Then we should stop worrying and just roll with it.”

  “Really?” she said, hopeful blue eyes shining.

  “Really.” I nodded, forcing myself to sound convincing. I fucked up. Big time. But if life did evolve from this error in judgement, I couldn’t wholeheartedly say it would be a bad thing, no matter how factually bad it was. She wasn’t ready. I wasn’t ready. But, deny it as I might, I felt it too—felt that burn, the need. Felt what she felt, and it drove me to do what I did with her. It was powerful and potent, and to ignore it might have been to ignore the call of fate. There was no sense in making her feel like a fool for it now.

  I kissed her mouth to disguise my concern, but she felt it in my lips, pausing a moment as they touched.

  “This isn’t how I saw our story unfold,” she whispered into my mouth.

  “Stop worrying. You’re probably not even pregnant.”

  “But I am.” She smiled widely, touching her belly. “I mean, I will be. I can feel it.”

  “Are you sure?”

  She nodded, looking scared and excited at the same time. And it was over. The concern, the worry, the deep feeling of regret and foolishness burned up in me like copious amounts of sugar. I laughed, spitting in her face a little as it burst out of me, and then I wrapped her up in my arms and laid us back on the bed, wondering if maybe this was the best birthday gift she could’ve given me.

  “This means we can’t break up now, even if you hate me,” I warned.

  She laughed. “I think we both know that’s never gonna happen.”

  “But what if it does?” I asked, my tone deep with worry.

  She lifted her head off my arm and touched my face to bring my eyes back down from the ceiling. “Something shifted in me last night, David—that’s why I came to your bed this morning.”

  “Shifted?” My brows moved into a frown.

  “I woke up in the middle of the night with this…” She touched her chest, casting her eyes to one side in thought. “It was like she was calling to me.”

  “Who?”

  “Ara… me. I guess the part of me that loved you before.” She smiled, but her eyes were round with worry. “It was like she was begging me to go to you.”

  “Why?”

  “I don’t know. But something was missing—in me.” Her hand moved to her chest again, reaching for the necklace she no longer wore. “I felt like I lost something, and that feeling didn’t go away until you put your arms around me.”

  I laughed through my nose, connecting with that exact same feeling. I knew then what I had to do. I’d kept it safe all this time, never parting with it for even a second, never intending to give it back to her, not even if she remembered who she was. It was my symbol of hope; a reminder that I am not cursed for my wrongdoings, but it needed to be the thing that tied us together now. It needed to go home to where it belonged.

  “When you lost this,” I said, reaching in to my left pocket, “it was on the day our marriage truly ended—the day you slept with my brother. But that’s not why our marriage ended.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I for
gave you for that almost immediately after you told me,” I confessed. “What I couldn’t forgive was myself. And you couldn’t forgive yourself either, and that is the real reason things ended for us.”

  Her eyes widened when she looked at the silver heart-shaped locket in my hand.

  “For me, this represents my heart,” I said, “something you lost, broke, discarded like nothing, all because you couldn’t free yourself of the guilt long enough to see that my love is unconditional. And now, since it returned to me, it reminds me that I lost it too. In truth, I was there holding your hand when you dropped it, because I couldn’t see past my own pride for a moment to admit that I loved you no matter what you did to hurt me. And I can see it now—that’s what’s missing in you, Ara—that truth. That comfort of knowing that you can do no wrong.” I pushed up on my elbow and shifted her hair back with the tip of my finger. “I am the home you’ve been searching for—the arms that will keep you safe and love you always. And this need to create life, it isn’t smart. It’s not the right time, not by logic, but if you ask your heart, or your soul, it doesn’t care for logic. It never has—”

  “And when you’re just not sure of the truth anymore, follow your heart,” she said absently.

  I smiled, linking the chain around her neck awkwardly from this position, and as it closed and the locket finally fell back into place, where it had not been for decades, that feeling of loneliness and the empty sensation of being lost in a world you’ve never seen vanished like a shadow under the sun.

  Everything about today felt right. Everything that had happened made me feel complete. And this smiling girl in my arms was no longer my new girlfriend, someone I needed to learn about and win over; she was my wife. One hundred percent mine and every bit as much like her old self as she would ever be, glowing with the new hope we now had for our future. Together. Two paths now leading down the one road. Two hearts finally home. Two forevers finally the same again.

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