by Gahan Hanmer
I had already killed two people that very same day, and the fact of it was still huge and heavy and unassimilated. I needed a chance to gather some thoughts around it and make a place for it in my psyche where it wouldn't chew away at my spirit. I just wasn't ready to kill anyone else; certainly not in cold blood and from behind. That was the decision I made; and in the light of everything that followed, it was a very bad decision, one of the worst I ever made. All I can say is that the right choice would have been the wrong one too. That's my excuse.
Behind me I heard a shout and a clatter of hoof beats, and I knew the duke's men had made up their minds. "You owe me one, m'lord," I said as I sheathed my sword. Then I dug my heels into Pollux's flanks and we went pounding away up the road. The first time I looked back, I could see they weren't pursuing me. The duke's men had formed up around him, and he was beating those three bowmen with something I couldn't make out at that distance.
I slowed down to a more comfortable lope, one that would get me home almost as quickly, but which wasn't so excruciatingly painful to my wounded chest. I was very tired and sore, and I felt like I didn't understand anything anymore.
Chapter Ten
Sir Leo was the first person I saw when I reached the castle. He was practicing with his bow, but as soon as I was close enough for him to get a good look at me, he dropped everything and ran to help me off my horse. "Never mind, my friend," he said when I tried to tell him the story. "Let's get you inside." Then I collapsed.
When I woke up it was dark outside, and I was all bandaged up and lying in bed. Albert was there, and Jenna, and Marya, and Sir Leo, and Sir Rudy Strapp, and a couple of men who I had never seen before who were apparently knights by the leather trim on their clothes.
"He's awake, Sire," said Marya.
Albert came over and sat down in a chair by the bed. "Can you hear me, Jack?"
"Yes, your majesty." I had to say it twice, because the first time it came out as a croak.
"How are you feeling?"
My chest was still sore under the tight wrapping of bandages, but nothing like it had been before. "I feel a lot better, Sire," I said. "But I think I'm going to have to skip jousting practice tomorrow."
That seemed to clear the tension in the air. I could see that they had all been very worried about me.
"If you feel up to it, we'd like to know what happened." So I told them about the fight with Mike and Mitch, and about my confrontation with Lord Hawke. I told them that a peasant girl had taken care of me while I was unconscious and that she had shown me the river trail to the bridge; but other than that I didn't tell them anything about my relationship with Mora. When I had finished, I felt tired and sore all over again.
"I think he ought to rest now, Sire," said Marya.
"Yes, I'm sure you're right, Mage," said Albert. "All right, lads, we'll reconvene in the hall." The men filed out, with friendly nods and smiles in my direction as though I'd broken my leg catching a touchdown pass. I found that rather confusing, but I tried to smile back.
"I'm going to let these women look after you, Jack," said Albert. "You won't mind that, will you? We'll talk more in the morning."
"I hope I haven't screwed things up."
"Just rest now. I'm the king. You can leave the fretting to me."
"I never killed anyone before, Albert."
"Oh yes, I understand, Jack. Believe me, I understand very well." He paused in the doorway, and I imagined that a whole review of his experiences as king was passing through his memory. "The life here takes some getting used to," he said finally. "This isn't Connecticut." Then he went out.
"Mage," said Jenna with just a touch of queenly hauteur, "would you leave me alone with Sir Jack for a moment? I promise not to tire him." I wondered what she wanted. I didn't want to be left alone with Jenna. I wanted to go back to sleep.
But Marya dropped a dainty curtsy that was just as pretty as a play, said, "Yes, m'lady," and left, closing the door behind her.
Jenna waited until the silence had settled in the room. Then she said, "Good for you, Jack."
I waited for more, but that was it. "Good for me what?"
"Good for you for killing that trash."
Did she think I wanted to be congratulated for that? "Thanks, Jenna, but I never wanted to kill anybody, and it makes me feel sick to think about it."
"I know you're a sensitive man, Jack. That is to your credit, I'm sure. But whatever you may think about it, you did a great service to the kingdom today. A great many people, commoners and nobles too, will be drinking to your health tonight. You're a hero, Jack. Did you see the way those knights looked at you?"
The cogwheels of my mind were turning reluctantly. "I'm a hero because . . ."
"Because two of Lord Hawke's worst bullies went up against one of Albert's knights, and got what they so richly deserved."
"Death."
"Yes, death! Why do you look at me like that? Is that such an awful thing to say? If it takes a few deaths to keep this beautiful kingdom secure against the machinations of a man like Lord Hawke, then let's hear it for death!"
Although I was very tired now and my chest had begun to throb, it was quite thrilling to see Jenna, the neurotic, bare-assed rider, shining with light and power the way she was at that moment. "Why, Jenna," I said, "that was spoken like a true queen."
"Well, thank you," she said; and now she looked self-conscious and a little embarrassed, but nonetheless pleased. "Thank you, Sir Jack. I really am going to be the queen."
"Oh yes, my lady, I can see that you are."
"I promised not to tire you. I suppose you'd like to rest now." I think she had startled herself a little, and now she wanted to be alone and go over it in her mind.
"Yes, m'lady, I would."
"Well, good night then, Sir Jack," she said, taking my hand in both of hers and kissing it. "And thank you for everything." Then she was gone.
In the middle of the night I felt a finger stroking my cheek, and when I opened my eyes there was Marya with a candlestick. "I want to change your poultice."
I sat up and rubbed my eyes. She unwrapped the rags around my chest and then wrapped me up again with some others that were a pretty green color and made my chest feel warm. "What's on the poultice?"
"Wintergreen, turpentine, a few other things. How's the chest?"
"It feels a lot better, Marya," I said, yawning. "I thought maybe something was broken in there, but it doesn't feel like that now."
"And how's your spirit?"
"I have a lot of mixed feelings about killing those two yahoodies."
Marya nodded and for a time she was silent. "Killing people is something to be taken very seriously," she said finally. "But I think you did okay, Jack. You weren't out there looking for trouble. Something happened and you handled it the best you could. As far as Mike and Mitch are concerned, they've been asking for it, and asking for it, and they finally got it. If you were chosen to be the agent of their fate, then the thing for you to do is to accept what happened with a little detachment and not beat yourself up about it. You're not here by accident, Jack. If you have some tough decisions to make in the days to come, then you just do the best you can and let the Goddess take care of the rest. Hear me?"
"Thanks, Marya. I appreciate your saying that. I value your opinion a lot."
"You're welcome. Are you sorry you came?"
"No, I'm not. This was a scary day, but I'm still glad I came. There isn't any question in my mind about that."
"Good. We're very glad you're here. Now roll over on your tum. I'm going to give you a massage."
The next thing I knew, someone was shaking my shoulder and the sun was coming up. "Rise and shine, Sir Jack," said Sir Leo. "It's time to make history."
"There must be some mistake, Leo. Didn't you see the DO NOT DISTURB sign on the doorknob?"
"Ha, ha, very good, my friend. But something is happening you won't want to miss, and what's more, we need you. Come on now, into your clothes."
It was with a good deal of reluctance and some un-knightly grumbling that I managed to get myself dressed. Down I went to the hall, and there a tremendous breakfast was being served to a dozen knights and at least two dozen soldiers, all joking and laughing and eating in very high spirits. As I walked in the talking stopped, and they all rose and gave me a cheer.
"Hail, Sir Jack!" echoed King Albert. He proceeded to introduce me to a number of the men, and they all seemed honored to make my acquaintance. Then he called over his son, who I hadn't seen since the incident in the woods. The boy gave me an apprehensive look, as though he was wondering what I might say.
"This is my son, Renny. Renny, this is Sir Jack, a very old friend from when I was a boy your age."
Renny bridled ever so slightly, as if he felt insulted to be called a boy. At his age, I reminded myself, I had been selfish, self-absorbed, and confident that I knew everything. I also remembered that with all the new hormones smoking in my socks, I had really been nothing more than a predatory little animal as far as girls were concerned.
"Nice to meet you, Renny."
"I'm pleased to make your acquaintance, sir," said Renny, and he sounded quite sincere. He seemed to want me to like him, and I decided I would try.
There were dozens of people to meet. All around me the hall was rocking with a kind of masculine energy that reminded me of a pre-game locker room. The talk was all of weapons and horses, and Lord Hawke's name popped up regularly as the butt of some caustic reference or joke. Now I was given a seat next to Albert and a heaping plate of food; and while I ate I was looking around and listening to the conversations with growing dread, because I was beginning to understand what all this was leading up to.
Albert jumped to his feet and lifted his cup high in the air. "Well, lads, are we ready to give Lord Hawke a little surprise today?" The response was a joyful roar, and all the cups went up in a manly salute to the cause. My own cup went up as well, of course, because there was no sneaking out of what was happening today.
"To horse then, lads! Let's not keep him waiting!" cried Albert, and breakfast was over. Out we marched into the great courtyard where the horses were saddled and ready, including Pollux, who was hung about with all my warlike gear. The king himself handed me my helm, and there was another cheer when I set it on my head.
I was not looking forward to riding a horse in my condition, and I was certainly not looking forward to going to war. But more than just a participant, I was clearly a symbol that morning for all those men. When we took our places in the cavalcade, I was ushered up to Albert's right side, and when the drawbridge thundered down on its massive chains, out we rode in procession.
We headed north on the river road, and I rode side-by-side with Albert. I had seen dozens of war movies in my time, and read books and articles about many different wars. It always puzzled me why anyone with a working brain and open eyes would ever consent to go.
Now I knew. You went because everyone else was going and there was nothing else you could do. There was no excuse for not going. There was nowhere to hide. And today I was an important part of the party Albert and his knights and soldiers were planning to throw for Lord Hawke.
I also learned that what you do in such a situation, to take the sting out of the fear, is to say to yourself that nothing bad will happen to you. People might get hurt, and people may get killed, but not you. Saying it over and over to yourself, you begin to believe it after awhile; and then you can even start to enjoy the high energy, the anticipation, the excitement, the jokes and bantering, and the camaraderie, which is always heightened by danger. Pretty soon you might begin to wonder how you ever considered staying behind.
I had not reached that stage yet. A few days in bed with lots of good meals and some nice visits from Jenna once my chest wasn't so tender, would have suited me better. At the same time it was so amazing to find myself riding beside a king at the head of a column of armed men, that I was content to put off my holiday for a little while, since nothing bad was going to happen to me.
Soon we passed a man who I took to be some kind of woodsman because he was carrying an axe over his shoulder along with a bow and a quiver full of arrows. He fell into step beside one of the soldiers, who greeted him with a laugh and a clap on the shoulder.
A little further up the road, two more men and a boy came out of the woods. One man was carrying a scythe and the other was carrying a knobby club. Both men carried bows and arrows, and the boy was carrying a sling and a pouch of stones. "We want to come with you, your majesty," announced the man with the scythe, "and my boy is coming too!"
"Welcome, Howard!" cried Albert. "Now tell me your boy's name.You have so many I get them all mixed up."
"This is Paul, my oldest," said Howard, his hand on the boy's shoulder. "There are four boys now, for Mandy gave me another this spring."
"Give her my best when you see her, Howard, and congratulations to you both. Now Paul, can you hit what you are aiming at with that sling?"
"Yes, your majesty," said the boy, awed to be addressed directly by the king. "Mostly always, your majesty."
"Good for you, my boy," said Albert. "And welcome."
By the time we reached Dugdale's manor house, we had picked up more than fifty men and a dozen boys. Some spoke to Albert and got their royal greeting. Some joined with friends. Others just fell silently into step. Some looked grim and businesslike; others seemed happy and joyful. All of them carried weapons: bows, knives, clubs, axes, and sharp tools tied to staffs. All the boys carried slings and pouches of rocks.
Dugdale was out in front of his manor house with his soldiers and another large group of peasants. I found it a little comical to see Dugdale in his armor. It was as if the wrong actor had gotten into the costume by mistake. Charlsey was standing next to him with his helm, carrying it in both her arms like a big flower pot. She was smiling in a tight and frightened way and chattering away at Dugdale, who was nodding dutifully and trying to coax his helm away from her.
"Good morning, Dugdale," said Albert. "Lady Dugdale, your garden is breathtaking as usual. I should be honored if you would walk me through it when we get back." Charlsey opened her mouth to say something, but Albert didn't give her a chance. "Dugdale, your helm. You there, young man. Bring that horse and give your lord a hand up smartly now!"
In no time at all, with a few crisp commands, Albert had the column headed back the way we had come. Charlsey waved from the gate.
Albert shook his head. "Poor Charlsey," he sighed. "Let's pick up the pace a little." We began to trot, and immediately the jingling of the arms and armor set up a rhythm, almost like music, that was refreshing and inspiring. I felt a wave of admiration for this man who could feel concern for a frightened woman and look after an army all in the same moment. I knew I could follow him anywhere.
"Hello, Darcey," said Dugdale. "Heard you had a bit of a scrape. Everything all right?"
"Yes, thanks," I said. "Just sore." That was something of an understatement, but I was determined to tough it out.
"We heard those men stopped you on the road with crossbows. Is that true?"
"That was the way of it."
"I'm positive we all agreed," said Dugdale, "that there were to be no crossbows at all. Isn't that right, Sire?"
"That is correct," said Albert.
"The crossbow is not a sporting weapon," said Sir Leo, who was riding on Albert's left, "and they are prone to going off accidentally."
"I was shocked when I heard Lord Hawke's men had crossbows," said Dugdale. "Charlsey was very upset too. She didn't want me to come today, but I could hardly stay home when half my peasants are here. You don't think this is going to turn into a brawl, do you?" Dugdale asked me.
"I don't know," I said. "They woke me up this morning and put me on a horse. Ask your commander-in-chief."
Albert looked over at me. Then he put up a hand to stop the cavalcade, and turned his horse around to face us.
"Be so kind, Sir Ru
dy, as to give the standard to Sir Jack." Rudy Strapp untied a long staff from his saddle and handed it to me. There was a flag rolled up at one end.
"Go ahead, Jack," said Albert. "Show it to the people."
Twisting the staff, I let the flag unfurl; and there was a nicely crafted representation of a big hornet in front of a swarming hornets' nest.
"Ride down the line with it," said Albert.
It was a very exciting standard. Someone with a fine graphic talent had laid it out, for it was simple and clear, and yet it evoked a lot of motion and energy. As I started down the line of men and boys, I could see their eyes shine with excitement as soon as they saw it.
"Here it is, my doughty lads," I cried, and I'll bet my eyes were shining too. "Are we going to swarm all over Lord Hawke today? What do you say?"
"Yes!" they cried. "Yes, we will! We're with you, Sir Jack!"
"He'll be running for the river when he sees us coming, my friends," I cried over the din. "Get your stingers ready!"
"Yes, yes!" they cried. "We'll sting him today!" Such a shouting and carrying on I never heard before. And a few minutes later, when Griswold and his army appeared, coming west along the market road to join us, I galloped over and led them back under the standard, and we all yelled and stamped and rattled our weapons. I confess it was intoxicating to be treated as someone that important for the first time in my life; and by the time I was back at Albert's side, I was very high indeed and my chest had completely stopped hurting.
"Thank you, your majesty," I said, somewhat breathless. "That did me a lot of good."
"You're welcome, and the same to you," said Albert. "You've done us all a lot of good, just as Mage Marya said you would."
"I'm still not sure exactly what I did, except to fight my way out of a jam."
"Well, what you did was break the spell of fear and inaction that we had all fallen under. Perhaps it wasn't what you meant to do. Perhaps you didn't even know it needed to be done. But you did it anyway, so you might as well take some credit for it, don't you think?"