by Paul Kidd
The food was not to Escalla's liking. Dressed in her skin tight, silky smooth, and strangely see-through clothes of black elven chain mail, she glittered like a fish as she lolled on Enid's furry back. The occasional sparkle of pixie dust drifted from her as she flicked her wings.
Escalla had decided to bolster the party's morale with a riddle game-a game at which Enid always did well. The sphinx had an endless memory for facts and figures, rhyme and poem, as well as a huge library of scrolls sealed in a watertight box inside the portable hole. Wagging her foot in thought, her slim arms behind her back, Escalla chewed her bottom lip and tried to concoct a rhyme.
"All right, um… here!" The faerie composed on the fly.
"Restless snake, ever stirring
Never hissing-too much purring
Proud e'en though it always bows.
Sweeping paths where e'er it goes."
With an arch look over her shoulder, Enid smiled. "Simple. It's my tail."
"Drat! One guess gets you three questions." Escalla lounged happily upon her friends warm fur. "Fire away!"
Velvet soft, golden brown, and girlishly sly, Enid cast a blushing glance at the Justicar and Henry up ahead. She motioned to Escalla, who came over and hung down so that Enid could whisper in her ear. Escalla stayed hanging over her friends shoulder, then scratched her chin when the sphinx had finished.
"Hmm. That would be 'ten,' 'I doubt it'… and bipeds don't bite necks, dear. Not unless you ask them nicely."
"Oh!" Enid again shot a furtive glance at Henry. "Not even a little?"
"Well, there have been cases."
"Oh, good." Enid nestled closer. "And does he really have dimples in his bottom?"
The faerie shot up in glee. "Yeah! And it's all furry right down where-"
"Escalla!" Enid turned red.
"Well it is!" The faerie sprawled over Enid's back "Is Henry's?"
"No! It's really perfectly…" The sphinx blushed a most remarkable pink and caught herself mid-sentence. "Um, no, not that I'm aware."
"Uh-huh."
Escalla was enjoying herself. Henry cast wan looks in Enid's direction as they marched, and Enid remained protectively close to Henry.
Escalla lounged back on the sphinx's furry back and continued the riddle game. "Two little birdies in a birdie tree…"
K-I-S-S-I-N-G!
"Thank you, Cinders!" Lying on her back, Escalla raised one finger to the sky. "You're getting better at this spelling stuff!"
Cinders clever!
"So fetch a stick!"
Cinders not that clever.
"Wuss!" Escalla levered herself up on one elbow and saw that they were passing by another door. The Justicar glanced at the map and moved on.
Escalla jumped from Enid's back and pointed eagerly at the door. "Hey! What about in here? We didn't look in here!"
"It's not part of the mission." His hand always ready with his sword, his eyes always searching for danger, the Justicar kept the door in one corner of his eye. "We're only interested in doors marked with teleport symbols on the map."
The faerie's face fell, and she instantly turned petulant. "But Ju-us! What if there's monsters in here? Ambushers? Evil? What if there's something that's going to follow after us once we've gone?"
"You mean-what if there's something valuable in there you can get your hands on?"
"Sure! That, too!" The faerie lived a life free from guilt. "Hey! Taking from a demon queen isn't stealing! If Lolth's evil, then all her riches will be used for evil! And gold corrupts! This stuff is her tool. So by removing her gold, we're diminishing evil." Escalla rubbed her fist, keen to get cracking. "See? We have an honor-bound duty to rob this bitch blind! It's the only socially responsible course of action!"
The Justicar glowered at her. "Cute."
Persuaded by Escalla's moral argument, Enid regarded the door. "We do have a wedding to pay for."
Polk immediately put his pen down. He had been doodling a picture for his chronicles, showing himself beheading a tanar'ri with one bite.
"Come on, son! Where's your sense of right? A hero shows superiority over evil by sappin' it on the head and emptying evil's pockets!"
"Polk, shut up! Leave the door alone." The Justicar waved to his companions, signaling them to move on. "We're running out of time."
Escalla had already bustled over to the door. Polk stretched high, and Escalla used him as a ladder as she peered in through a perfectly ordinary key hole.
"It's empty. Just a big black room."
"So leave it alone." The Justicar sighed in annoyance, turning back to deal with the delay. "Come on!"
"Cool room, though!" Escalla turned the handle, opening the door. She jumped down from Polk and stood in the doorway. "See. There's nothing in here. Just a big flat shiny wall made out of iron."
A loud hum came from the room. Escalla took on a funny look for one brief second, and then she shot into the room and slammed spread-eagled onto the middle of the iron wall. Suspended three feet off the ground, Escalla's eyes bugged out. She tried to move, but her chainmail clothing was stuck fast to the wall.
"Ow! Jus! Jus, get me offa this!"
A roar erupted from the chamber as hidden doors slammed open all around the walls. Dozens of huge bugbears-stinking goblins, eight feet tall-raged into the room. All bore branches and wooden clubs.
Jus and Henry ran into the room. Henry wailed and flew through the air, plastering himself to the iron wall inches from Escalla-his own elven mail stuck tight. Jus's helmet broke its straps and flew through the air. Benelux screeched as she tumbled end over end to crash into the iron wall right beside Escalla's head. The bugbears looked at their trapped victims and gave a scream of joy as they scrambled toward Escalla and Henry with clubs ready to smash and pound.
Jerking like a fly on flypaper, Escalla squealed, "Jus! A little help here!"
The ranger was already on the move. "Enid!"
With Enid beside him, the Justicar flung himself into the room, and ten bugbears rampaged toward them. Jus caught a club bare-handed and spun into the blow, slamming the bugbear to the ground. A savage strike from his elbow broke the teeth of another bugbear behind. Jus caught another blow, then kicked a bugbear with enough force to break the monster's knee. A club crashed against Jus's shoulder, and Escalla's stoneskin spell fended off the blow in a shower of little bees.
Enid pounced into a knot of bugbears. Clubs lashed at her, and she took the head off a bugbear with one huge swipe of her paw.
At the iron wall, Escalla found herself the focus of a dozen charging monsters. She shrieked, turned into a small pink blob, and flowed out of her clothes, which stayed stuck to the wall. Clubs crashed onto the wall, and the blob-faerie rose up, boiling with fury.
"Bastards!"
Bugbears slammed a blow onto Henry's helmet, making the metal ring. An instant later, Escalla trilled a twisted scream, and the ground before Henry boiled with huge black tentacles. The black tentacles lashed out to crush and strangle half a dozen bugbears, shielding Henry from harm. Escalla-the-blob wiped her nonexistent nose and turned back to the fight, just in time to be hit by a club and go ricocheting from the walls like a rubber ball. She landed like a splat of pudding, shook herself in anger, and mottled herself polka-dot in rage.
"That does it!"
Power flashed, and a flaming point of searing heat appeared. Twisting a bugbears arm and breaking it, the Justicar took one appalled glance and dropped flat beneath Cinders's fireproof hide.
"Enid! Duck!"
The sphinx wailed and leaped over a dozen bugbears, landing behind Escalla as the blob fired. A fireball flashed into the far side of the room and exploded with apocalyptic force. At the center of the blast, bugbears vaporized. Others flew in smoking chunks through the air. Ecalla-the-blob laughed in maniacal glee, then stared in shock as a wave of heat raced straight toward her.
The force of the explosion bowled her and Enid back into one of the bugbears' alcoves. Still stuck on the wall H
enry screamed as the hedge of black tentacles in front of him vaporized. Scorched but alive, the boy opened his eyes and stared in dazed amazement at a room that smoked in total ruin. The only uncharred thing in view was Cinders's gleaming teeth. The dog sniffed the breeze and happily thumped his tail.
Big bada-boom! Funny!
"Real funny." The Justicar, scorched around the edges and extremely annoyed, rose from beneath Cinders. He kicked a flaming bugbear out of his way then stuck his head into the alcove where Enid and Escalla staggered.
Enid was totally devoid of fur and feathers, and the tuft of her tail was on fire. Escalla-the-blob was now charred black, her two eyes showing white, dazed shock. The Justicar staggered over to Enid and used his last healing spell to repair her burns and restore her dignity. The big man held Escalla by the scruff of her protoplasm and shook the blob free of soot.
"I am now out of healing spells, and we have no healing potions. You personally have done more damage to us than the entire Abyss."
"Just me?" The faerie-blob coughed smoke rings. "H-hoopy! D-did we find any treasure?"
A gem lay on the floor amidst a nest of rags. The Justicar swept it up and shoved it in Escalla's mouth, planting her on the floor. He then returned to Henry and wrenched him free of the magnetized wall. Walking against the vast pull of the magnet, he wrestled Henry outside, then returned to retrieve Escalla's clothing, his helmet, and Benelux.
The magic sword cursed and babbled in absolute outrage. It won't do, sir! It shall not do! I have never been so humiliated-not since the day that I was forged!
Struggling to tow the sword out of the room, the Justicar merely growled.
Warming to her tirade, Benelux's voice rose like a matron-martyr. No, sir, it shall not do! I have been wielded by kings, sir! By demigods! Demigods! By heroes bold! The sword lacked lungs, and so had no need to pause for breath. That it should come to this-a victim of mere clumsiness. To be dropped in combat by a chosen warrior…
The Justicar opened his hand, and the sword flew through the air to clang against the magnetized wall. Benelux squawked in shock and pain and then went into a magnificent sulk.
Very well. We shall acknowledge that there may have been extenuating circumstances just this once.
Not bothering to answer, the Justicar wrenched the sword off the wall and began towing her back outside.
The sword squawked at her rough handling. Hmph! I had thought that romance might mellow your attitude toward the social graces.
"Nope."
I can see that.
The party gathered out on the open path, dusting blackened armor, snuffing out flames, and trying to repair their gear. The Justicar-flameproof in his hell hound skin and dragon scales- looked at Escalla with an expectant air.
The faerie had just changed back into her normal form and was contemplating the charred ruins of her underwear. She caught the Justicar's look and instantly went on the defensive.
"Like it was my fault!" The faerie tossed the blue bugbear gem into the portable hole. "Who killed all the bugbears anyway? Me!"
The Justicar simply looked at her, and Escalla squirmed.
"Fine. It was my suggestion to go into the room in the first place, but that does not make me actually responsible!"
No answer came, and Escalla wriggled on the hook.
"Oh, man! I thought love meant never having to say you're sorry!" Jerking her clothing on, Escalla fussed with her straps and skirt. "All right. Sorry! But I'm saying it in a sense of regret for mutual misadventure-not in responsibility! What do you want me to say?"
The Justicar retied his helmet's chin strap. " 'Sorry everyone for blowing you up.' "
"Nnnng!" Escalla took it all with extreme ill grace. "Sorry everyone for blowing you up!"
" 'I promise not to blow up my friends for at least another week.' "
"All right already! Don't rub it in!" The girl kicked at a smoking chunk of bugbear. "Damn it! I promise not to blow you all up for another week. Two weeks! There! Are you happy?"
Enid was looking between her hind legs in shock. "What happened to my tail?"
"Nothing!" Escalla busily dusted the sphinx's new-grown fur. "Get your spare clothes out of the portable hole, honey. You're suffering from fallout here. Hey, guys? Great new plan! We open only the doors Jus tells us to-and leave the other ones alone!"
Henry rubbed the lump on his skull and said, "Good plan."
Escalla's underwear and accessories gave up the ghost, falling to earth in a dust of ashes. "Damn it! That was my best silk!"
Cinders grinned in glee. Funny!
"Yeah, hilarious." Escalla fed charred underwear to the hell hound. "There! Live it up!" Angry, scorched, and with her clothes smelling of soot, Escalla stamped off along the path. "Lolth had better have some decent treasure! This adventure is playing havoc with my wardrobe." The girl left sooty clouds behind her as she walked "Come on! Let's get into the palace while we still have a sense of style!"
The paths twisted back on themselves for another half mile. With one eye peering down the long, empty pathway around the next corner, the Justicar checked for marks and signs. The pathway seemed clean and untouched. The only sign of life was a blundering pack of giant spiders that moved steadily away along another road. The Justicar let the spiders go, then waved his friends to follow as he moved out into the path.
Henry stood quietly beside the Justicar, examining the door that hung in space up ahead. It was the next point marked upon the mysterious map.
"No sign of Recca, sir?"
"None." The Justicar nodded to the door ahead. "But these doors are probably guarded. There's no way past the guards without leaving signs of a fight."
"He can't have keys, sir. Not the way we do."
"He knows we're heading for the spider palace. He might find a different route."
Leading the way, the Justicar crept up to the door and inspected it carefully for traps. Escalla cracked her knuckles noisily, approached the door, then changed into a sea slug with eyes upon long stalks. She inserted her eyes through the crack of the door and carefully looked about. Her voice spoke through a breathing tube behind the slug's red mantle.
"All righty! We've got water. Big room, about a hundred feet square. Flooded. Looks like a raised path leads from the door over to some kind of island. And"-the slug snorted-"there are some really bad illusions of two tanar'ri standing on the island. Eww! Those are awful! Is that someone's idea of a decoy? Get real!" Coming from a home where illusion was often preferred over the real, Escalla had high standards for fake reality. "There's nothing on the ceiling. Might be something hiding in the water. No way to tell. Uch, it stinks! Something in here reeks like a lycanthrope's laundry!"
The slug withdrew, slid backward, and changed back into faerie form.
"Sorry. That's all I can see. I don't know what sort of guards it has."
"No. No, that's good." The Justicar squatted on his haunches, drawing a map of the sealed room with a piece of charred bugbear. "The last teleport room was guarded by tanar'ri. If the rooms marked on the map all get you closer to the palace, then they probably all have tanar'ri guards. Tougher and tougher guards as we get closer to Lolth."
Cloaked by her long blonde hair, Escalla sighed in frustration. "Frot! The last ones almost killed us, and I'm out of decent spells! I need to restock on heavy stuff!"
Trying to reason out the problem, Henry scratched his brow. "What spells have you got?"
"Lessee. Well, I loaded up with combat stuff. Missiles, webs, fireballs… got me a vampire touch spell that's a doozy!" The faerie counted off the spells on her fingers. "I had my black tentacles, plus I've got a lesser sphere of invulnerability. Oh! And I've got my grease spell ready!"
"Grease?" Henry blinked. "Why grease?"
"It's a comedy natural. Trust me, I'm a faerie!"
"O-o-oh!" Enid crowded close, suitably impressed. "What's 'vampire touch'?"
"It's totally hoopy! Sucks your enemy's life energy and gives it
to you! I found it in an old book."
"That big black one that warned us not to open it?"
"Yeah! That's the one!"
Ignoring the girls, Polk worked at copying the Justicar's map into his notebooks, showing the route they traveled by the means of badly drawn stick figures boldly led by badger. "Son, why water? What sort of guard wants to stand knee deep in water all day?"
Scowling, the Justicar regarded the door. "Aquatic ones, Polk. Tanar'ri."
The Justicar looked meaningfully at Henry, who frowned, trying to see a deeper point, then suddenly got the idea. The boy turned to Polk and tried to explain.
"Yes! You see? It's another telekinesis trap! You charge the island along the path, then hidden tanar'ri use their power to drag you off the path and drown you in the water."
Standing, the Justicar stood facing the door and said, "Simple. Well done."
And hard to counter. He breathed slowly, thinking, when suddenly Henry gave a sound of joy and opened up the portable hole.
"Oh, yes! Escalla has something to fix it!"
He dived into the hole.
Instantly curious, Escalla raced over to the rim. "What? The frost wand? We freeze the water to ice?"
"No!"
"Spare underwear? We leave a trail of it to tempt them out here into the open!"
"No-no! Wait! I've got it!" Henry erupted over the lip of the hole, dragging a bag of clinking bottles. "Look! Potions of giant growth!"
Escalla gave a possessive yelp and clutched the bag. "No! Not the giant growth potions! No! No! No-no-no-no-no! No!"
"Why not?" Henry shrugged. "Don't we have tons of them?"
Using fingers and toes to clutch the bag shut, Escalla flapped her wings in panic. "No! We only have one left! And that's… for emergencies!"
"But I counted them! Only one's gone! We still have seven potions." Henry pointed at the the bag. "Right. We all grow to giant size-me, the Justicar, and Enid. Then no tanar'ri can telekinesify us! We'll be too heavy! And at giant size-swords, armor, everything-we can kill the tanar'ri just like that!"
Wringing her hands, Escalla whined, "But that's three whole potions gone!"
"That leaves four! We can do the same trick again at the other rooms marked on the map!"