Even in middle age, when a future governor of California tried to hit on her in their shared Germanic tongue, she gave him short shrift. It was at my birthday party, and she came over to ask me who he was.
“Mom, that’s the Terminator.”
“I don’t care who he is, he’s a very rude man. You should have heard him. He’s been living in America too long.”
When my mom’s friends tried to set her up with my father, she wasn’t interested and tried to push him onto another friend. But my dad can be determined when he sets his mind to something, and eventually he won her over with his Gregory Peck–style good looks and a ride in his Corvette Stingray.
My mom gave me the desire to improve my lot in life with style. She’s an incredibly hard worker and fast learner. She took an unfinished education and ended up the manager of Giorgio’s, one of the swankiest stores in Beverly Hills.
But back then, when my parents first got married, they were poor. My dad started at the bottom, working at a gas station, and slowly worked his way up the ladder at Shell one rung at a time.
I get my determination from my dad, my need to prove myself, to show the world that I can make it on my own without any handouts. But I’ve always been mindful of the toll that success took on both him and our family. He was always away, and when he was at home he was tense, high-strung, and not easy to be around. As a parent I guess you fall back on what you know, and he had been raised in a brutal military school and expected us to fall in line like those little Von Trapp kids in The Sound of Music. The problem was that we all had his stubborn streak, so conflict was inevitable.
When I say that my dad was stubborn and determined, I mean it. He had a hangover one morning when he was in his early forties, after a New Year’s party with his work buddies, and swore he’d never drink again. Alcohol was his father’s demon and he didn’t plan on making it his. To this day he still hasn’t touched a drop of the stuff.
Back in Houston it was still dark in the mornings when we’d jump on the bus that would take us to our new schools. We’d start sweating at nine in the morning and finish at sunset. The only place to swim was the bayou, which was teeming with venomous water moccasins. Swatting at mosquitoes, I used to watch the crawdads swarm all over the gutters. We used to jokingly call Houston “Satan’s shack.”
It was October 22, 1973, and two of my brothers had gotten into a fight with my dad about homework. Patrick was a rebellious fourteen and Jimmy was a year younger. My dad was always tightly wound at the end of the day and had no patience for kids who didn’t follow the rules in his house. A futile, frustrating argument broke out.
“We’re outa here!” Patrick said, slamming open the screen door and storming out of the house. From the table I watched him tie his blue bandana around his head and grab his bike from the lawn, Jimmy right on his heels.
“Where do you think you’re going?” our dad yelled.
Over his shoulder, Patrick shouted, “7-Eleven!”
My brothers raced off down the street. Jimmy pulled ahead, laughing, with Patrick rushing to catch up. They were neck-and-neck for a block or two, and then Jimmy took the lead again, younger by a year, but faster. At the intersection, he slowed for a split second, waiting for the light to turn green, then leaned down over his handlebars and barreled through.
Patrick pedaled hard to catch him and had nearly made up the lost ground as he raced across the intersection. Jimmy saw a glint of metal out of the corner of his eye and skidded to a stop, turning back in time to see the driver who had run the red light hit Patrick at full speed. Patrick rolled all the way over the car and slammed down hard on the pavement. By the time Jimmy got to his side, Pat lay crumpled on the ground.
Jimmy tried to get Pat to move off the road but he was unconscious, blood seeping out of his head. In Boy Scouts, Jimmy had learned that you’re not supposed to move someone who’s got a head injury, so he left him lying in the road and tried waving down another car to get help.
It was a quiet street in a residential neighborhood. Fading in and out of consciousness, Patrick was lying in the intersection next to two fallen bikes. He must’ve been easy to see.
At dinner that night, we’d all been doing Monty Python and Rich Little impersonations, when out of the blue Patrick said, “You know, if I ever get hit by a car, I won’t get hurt. I’m going to jump up quickly, then roll over the hood and down the back.”
We didn’t think much of it at the time; it’s the kind of thing boys say all the time. But when the bumper hit his bike, that’s exactly what he did. Patrick leapt up and rolled over the hood and down the back of the car. It left him with a broken leg and a head injury, but he was going to be alright.
Jumping up and rolling was a good plan. It would’ve worked, except the driver of the second car was drunk. He ran right over Patrick, killing him instantly.
Every detail of that day is burnt into my memory. The neighbors had volunteered to watch us when my parents were called to the scene. I was sitting in their hallway with Vince when these two kids came to the door. They didn’t realize that we were the siblings of the boy who was hit.
“Hey, we just saw an accident! A kid’s head got fuckin’ squashed like a melon!”
We were speechless, and the kids just kept going on and on like that until the adult nearest the door told them to get the hell out of there. Vince was the youngest brother, and I was the youngest child, so we used to fight all the time, but right then we found ourselves holding each other’s trembling hands. Then the door of the neighbors’ house opened again and my mom came stumbling toward us, clutching the bloody blue bandana left behind when the paramedics lifted Patrick’s body from the street. I saw in her face that what the kids said was true—Patrick was dead.
She took us back to our house. A few minutes later I saw my dad walking toward us, having just identified his dead son. He was halfway across the front lawn when he suddenly fell down on all fours and started throwing up in the grass. He stayed there, alternately retching and weeping. I don’t think he could get up. It was the first time in my life I’d seen him cry.
And then there was Jimmy. The memory of that day would come to cost him dearly. In the months that followed, Jimmy would wake up screaming every night. There are a thousand ways to blame yourself when something like that happens and he probably tried them all on for size. When he grew older he sought solace in drugs. Intensive psychotherapy and rehab brought him back from the edge. He’s been sober for many years, but Patrick’s death continues to haunt him to this day.
In the aftermath of Pat’s death, my parents couldn’t look at one another. We moved around the flat, alien wasteland of Houston in a daze. We’d only been there a few months, and we had no friends to comfort us, only the well-meaning strangers at church.
Our family never recovered.
It was the first time alcohol abuse had taken something beloved from me. It wouldn’t be the last.
On the Sunday after the funeral, my mother got us ready for church, but when we filed out into the living room, my dad was reading the paper, still in his bathrobe.
“God is a bastard,” he said. “I’ll never set foot in a church again.”
I completely agreed. Patrick’s death had taught me that when fate swings against you, the only person you can rely on is yourself.
After less than half a year in Houston, we packed our bags and prepared to move home to Connecticut, minus our brother. But before we left there was something I had to take care of.
Unlike my father, I had taken Holy Communion. As I understood it, I was married to Christ, so things were a bit more complicated for me; I was going to need a divorce. I went out into the woods alone, to a place my mom had shown me on one of our family walks through the Houston countryside. In the shade of a weeping willow there grew a rare lady’s slipper orchid. My mom had explained that I should always treat them gently, because they were endangered, to which my brothers had kindly added, “You could also be fined five hundred
bucks or have your hand chopped off if they catch you messing with them!”
It was the closest thing I knew to a sacred place.
I took the tiny rosary I’d been given for my first communion and wrapped it in one of my favorite hankies—a little German number from my grandmother with “Edelweiss” embroidered on it—and buried it beside the orchid. Then I solemnly said the Lord’s Prayer and called the whole thing off with Jesus.
Maybe that explains why, years later, when I took up praying in earnest, God took a while to return my call. He was probably wary of being dumped again.
ONE IN FIVE1
Years passed, and just when it looked like things might be returning to normal I received the news that would turn our lives upside down again. It was a couple of months away from my fourteenth birthday, and I was home alone in Connecticut when the phone rang. It was my dad calling from the other side of the country.
“Guess what? We’re moving to California.”
I burst into tears. I was so upset because I finally had my own friends and something that resembled a regular life. I’d even started theater classes, and now we were moving. Again. He must have felt bad about my dramatic reaction, because at the end of the conversation he told me for the first time that he loved me. He wasn’t an emotionally demonstrative man, and the impact of that rare admission only made me cry more. I was settled in Connecticut. We had moved before and it hadn’t gone well. Now the very idea of leaving behind everything that I knew and loved felt both strange and overwhelming, like taking an unexpected voyage to another planet.
The bad news was offset by my big dream that I would one day become a working actress. I imagined that our house would be near the San Gabriel Mountains with a view of the Hollywood sign, that my mom would take me to auditions, and that I’d be an overnight success.
Also, there was one bad memory of Connecticut I wanted to escape. When I was in the eighth grade, my boyfriend Frank and some of his friends raided a liquor cabinet and drank Jack Daniels and vodka until they passed out. When the other boys woke up, they found Frank dead. He had choked on his own vomit and died during the night.
So I’d learned, even at that young age, to stay well clear of hard liquor. My mother wasn’t a big drinker, and my father had quit drinking, so there weren’t bad role models around the house, but it seemed that with Patrick’s death at the hands of a drunk driver and my boyfriend’s death from overconsumption, the negative effects of alcohol abuse were beginning to haunt my life.
Looking back, I can see that those ghosts weren’t done with me, not by a long shot. They would follow me across the country to my new life.
We flew out to L.A., and by this time my dad must have been feeling really bad, because he felt he needed to butter us up with a trip to Disneyland. I had my fourteenth birthday in the Disneyland Hotel. We decided to celebrate by taking a tour of our new house at Nellie Gail Ranch. With a name like that I expected something similar to what we were used to in Connecticut: beautiful period homes, acres of woods, and little creeks and ponds.
Nellie Gail Ranch turned out to be a cookie-cutter housing estate, a tract home development. Our house was in a little cul-de-sac. There was no lawn, it was the middle of summer and stinking hot, and only about 40 percent of the houses were inhabited. It was all new and sterile.
The houses were demarcated by a kind of alphabetic apartheid. If you had a Plan C house you had more wealth and prestige than someone with a Plan B or Plan A. There was this ridiculous competitive element in the neighborhood.
My disappointment grew when I figured out that Nellie Gail Ranch was in Orange County, a good hour on the 405 freeway from Hollywood, which meant that it might as well have been the moon.
My mom was so sad there. Divorce was in the air. It didn’t manifest itself until I was eighteen and already long gone from the house but you could tell that my mom would never forgive my father for moving to Texas; their eventual breakup was a slow-moving, unavoidable avalanche. I used to try to cheer her up—I’d stick all these little frozen Tex-Mex delicacies in the microwave and then bring them out and serve them up like I was a robot, which always made her laugh.
Not long after we moved my mom got a job, and then I pretty much became a latchkey kid. She was working at Saks Fifth Avenue in the swanky “designer salon,” which was great, because she was able to bring home beautiful clothes. But it meant that every day I’d come home from school to an empty house. Dad worked late, Jimmy had moved out of the house by the time I was twelve, and Vincent and I weren’t particularly chummy; our age difference of four years meant we didn’t have much in common. He was out studying all the time and worrying about what college he’d go to. I’d read or roller-skate around our little cul-de-sac wearing shorts and a tube top. I wasn’t a rambunctious child who needed lots of attention; I was a loner, which made it hard to work out how to fit into my new life.
School only complicated the process. I attended Laguna Hills High for my freshman year. I felt completely out of place because I was from Connecticut and very tomboyish, and all the other girls dressed like hookers in tight jeans, high heels, and makeup. I quickly adapted and copied them. I could see that my parents were surprised; they wanted to know what had happened to their little girl in top-siders and polo shirts. I was in the midst of transforming from the awkward-looking fourth son with short hair and braces into a young woman.
I went on my first proper date around that time with a young guy who picked me up in an old Dodge Dart. My brother Vince had a ball making fun of me because I wore a purple and red neon disco dress with Minnie Mouse high heels. I even had the Farrah Fawcett hairdo with the sausage curls down the sides and more eyeliner than Tammy Faye Bakker; it was just awful.
The only other people who lived in our cul-de-sac lived right next door: an airline pilot, his Asian wife, and their three-year-old daughter. He used to come over and be buddy-buddy with my father, and I guess that in an innocent, adolescent way, I thought he was handsome.
One day we were in our Jacuzzi with my father and he stuck his foot on my leg and started rubbing it up and down. It all happened under the bubbling water so you couldn’t see it. I thought that was really weird so I got out of the Jacuzzi and went inside.
Not long after that I was walking home from school and he drew up beside me in his van and offered to drive me home. He was my neighbor, and anything was better than walking, so I jumped in. The van had a plaid interior, with horrible brown fabric on the seats and two little round bubble windows at the back. They were thick and opaque; you couldn’t see in or out of them. The second I closed the door I could tell he was drunk. He said he had to stop somewhere on the way home, and I didn’t argue. He pulled up outside a liquor store, and when he came back he handed me a can of Coke that had been spiked with booze.
I felt pretty grown up, so I took a few sips and not long after started feeling really woozy. Maybe it was because I wasn’t used to drinking, or maybe he’d put something else in the can besides liquor. He drove to an empty parking lot, and the next thing I knew he stopped the car and made a move on me. I panicked and tried to push him away, but he was a big guy, 200 pounds and at least 6'1". He just grabbed me and threw me into the back of the van. I tried fighting him off but he pinned me down and sat on my arms and told me how much I wanted it.
I knew how babies were made and I’d walked in once on my parents having sex, but there’s nothing that prepares you for a grown man crushing you with his weight, grunting, his face turning red, and realizing that you’re not strong enough to stop him.
I caught sight of those bubble windows set into the back of the van and that’s when it occurred to me that no one could see me and that I might actually die. Another part of my brain was trying to rationalize things—this is my neighbor, he knows my parents, he can’t kill me, but if my parents find out they’ll kill him and probably me as well. That’s when I went limp, because I thought, “Oh boy, I don’t want to die in this van, I’d better get this
over with.”
He took my virginity. There was a little blood and a lot of pain. Then he drove back to Nellie Gail Ranch and dumped me outside the front of my house. He knew that neither of my parents would be home.
It was the first time in my life I was confronted with the fact that I wasn’t invincible. I called a friend who picked me up in her mom’s station wagon and took me to a free clinic. The doctor sewed me up and nodded unquestioningly when I told him I was eighteen years old, had forgotten to bring my driver’s license, and had been on the bad end of a jungle gym accident. At that point, I began to fear that I’d be blamed for what had happened. My friend took me home, and I went inside, bruised and defeated, and showered off. If my parents asked why I was limping and shaken, I intended to say I’d gotten into a fight at school. They never asked.
Forget my virginity. What that man took was my trust in other people and myself. Before that, I’d had real confidence, instilled by an encouraging mother and a tough, intelligent father. After that I had doubts. I withdrew from school activities. My grades got bad. I retreated to my room and never went outside. I certainly never roller-skated again. I guess my parents blamed the change in me on adolescence and hormones.
I wonder now how he rationalized the rape to himself. I wonder why he got drunk in the first place before doing what he did.
Alcohol abuse is a demon that comes in many forms. I’d already felt the impact of the one that makes us so stupid that we can’t operate a vehicle safely and the one that kills through overconsumption, but here was a new creature, the demon that excuses evil behavior. I’m sure that if he’d been hauled before a judge the first words out of his mouth would have been, “I was drunk, I don’t know what I was thinking. And so was she. We’d both been drinking. It was consensual.”
Babylon Confidential Page 2