For Andrew
My underappreciated, overly teased and awesome little brother
Table of Contents
Cover
Title Page
Dedication
September
October
November
December
January
February
March
April
May
June
Year-End Report Card
Year-End Summary
Acknowledgements
About the Author
Praise for A Year in the Life of a (Total and Complete) Genius
Sneak Peek
Copyright
SEPTEMBER
September 3rd
Dear RJ,
Did you miss me? I missed having you around. Camp was crazy, but now I have the skills to make an award-winning documentary that tells all about a boy genius! Hahaha. Oh, RJ, I bet you missed my sense of humour!
I have so much to tell you about, and it’s not all that boring stuff like last year. I guess I could call you something else now. I kind of like RJ, though. Instead of standing for Reading Journal, maybe now RJ means “Really Juicy” — as in the gossip I have for you.
This summer was epic! For one thing, I really thought Arts Camp would suck, but it was pretty cool. I wish I had time to tell you all about it right now, but I’m leaving to go and hang out with my girlfriend.
That’s right. I said MY GIRLFRIEND. I told you I have a lot to tell you about, but you’ll have to wait!
Yours truly,
Arthur Bean
Dear Grade Eights:
Welcome back! I hope you had a restful summer and are ready for another exciting year of English class. I’m pleased to see many of the same faces as last year, and I look forward to helping you grow your skills as writers and critical thinkers.
There are things that we will need to cover as part of the curriculum, but there’s some room in the year for us to focus on things that are important to you. Please write a short paragraph on what you want to get out of this class this year. What do you like about English class? What do you dislike? What are your favourite things to talk about? To write? How do you like to learn? Do you prefer to work alone, or do you like working in pairs or groups? How can this classroom be your ideal space for learning?
Due: September 6
Dear Ms Whitehead,
You’ll be pleased to know that I’m a new man this year. That’s right. Things have turned around, 360 degrees. No more writer’s block for me. I’m literally bursting at the seams with ideas and things to write. I don’t know if there’s enough paper in the world for all the awards I’m going to win for my ideas. I’m not sure how many different genres you have to be good in to win a Nobel Prize, but I’m definitely on my way to mastering the written word.
Something that I would like to do is film related. We should watch a lot of Hollywood movies so that we can write good scripts. I learned a lot about making films this summer, and I would like to write scripts for blockbusters, which requires seeing what great directors do. My girlfriend says that most movies are written by more than one person, so if we work in partners, I want to work with Robbie because we wrote a really good script together this summer, and we’re making a movie this year.
If we can’t work together, I would like to work alone.
I also think that I would learn more from class if we can have Fridays off, because then I can focus on what we learn the other days and have time to reflect on your teachings. My girlfriend goes to an alternative school where they have very flexible schedules, and I think our school should have those too.
I also think that my desk should be beside the window for me to have the most ideal learning space. I do my best work when I can reflect on nature.
Yours truly,
Arthur Bean
Dear Arthur,
Thank you for your detailed feedback. I will do my best to accommodate everyone’s wishes; however, not everyone can sit next to the window. As far as scriptwriting goes, I’m glad to hear that you’ve taken an interest in a new way of writing! You should consider joining the AV Club, as we won’t be doing much scriptwriting and filmmaking in class. I’m pleased to hear that you and Robbie have become friends. I look forward to seeing all your creative work this year.
Ms Whitehead
September 8th
Dear RJ,
Man, having a girlfriend takes up a lot of time. We have these really long text conversations for hours, even though it’s really boring. I don’t actually have that much to say.
Which reminds me — I have a new phone! Dad gave it to me when I got back from camp. It’s nice of him, but it’s a piece of crap — no touch screen or anything! At least I can text, but I can’t do anything else on it. I want a phone that shoots movies. It would be awesome if it shot movies in 3-D! I could make mini documentaries and go viral. I’ll start with videos of Pickles. Everyone loves cat videos, that’s what my girlfriend says.
Speaking of my girlfriend, you’re probably wondering who she is. Her name is Anila, and I met her at camp this summer. Anila was in the Juniper cabin, and she’s in grade eight too. She lives in Calgary, but she goes to this alternative school where they never have to go to class and they spend their days doing art and making soufflés or something. She’s really nice. I mean, she definitely wasn’t the coolest girl at camp — there were other girls who were awesome — but she’s super smart. She’s really environmental as well. She even started a compost program for her whole school. When I came home I tried to compost here. After a week the cupboard under the sink had maggots and flies everywhere and it stank! So my dad threw out the bucket I was using to collect food scraps, and I think he has to call someone to clean it out with industrial-strength bleach. I told him that I didn’t think that would be very environmental, but he said he didn’t care at all about the environment right now — not very green of him. So now I’m diluting all the soap bottles by adding water to make them last longer.
I haven’t told Anila because I want her to think that I’m really environmental as well, so if I brag about it she’ll know that I wasn’t environmental before camp started. I’ll just bring it up in conversation casually the first time she comes over. I can say, “Oh, by the way, you may find that the soap is really watery. That’s because I dilute it with water to make it last longer. It’s better for the environment.”
I invited her for supper next weekend, which means Dad and I will have to make something from scratch, and not just frozen food. I asked Nicole for help and she said that her new boyfriend is a chef, so he’s got great recipes. I’m glad she’s next door. She’s like my adult friend, even though she doesn’t act like a real adult most of the time.
Yours truly,
Arthur Bean
dude, remmember the thing we were talking about? i have to talk to u about it
Did someone find out? Did you tell someone? ROBBIE!! I knew it was a terrible idea! I told you that already!
chill out artie. its not that big a deal. its just i need u to keep it.
Why? I don’t want it anywhere near me!
My bro and i share a closet. i have no wear to put it! you HAVE to take it.
Why do I already regret this?
just remmember to keep it a secret. itll be fine
I will never forget that!
From: Kennedy Laurel ([email protected])
To: Arthur Bean ([email protected])
Sent: September 8, 20:16
Hi Arthur!
I’ve missed you! Where have you BEEN all my life LOL!!!! In
case you were wondering, Malaysia was good, but SOOO hot LOL! It got kind of boring sometimes, but I don’t think you’re allowed to complain if you get to go to exotic places LOL! Anyway, I hope you had a good summer! Are you glad to be back at school? I didn’t want to go back to school but I really like getting new clothes and buying pens and paper and school supplies! I know! What a DORK LOL!!!
It’s too bad that we’re not in the same English class! I have Mrs. Ireland and I’ve heard that she’s SUPER strict! I guess we’ll still see each other at the newspaper meetings, right? Do you have Mr. Everett for Science this year?!? He’s SUCH a dork but I still like him! He’s like the Perry White of Jr. High Newspapers (FYI: I TOTALLY had to Google “the editor from Superman” to make that joke! I’m SO geeky LOL!) Anyway, I just want to make sure you’re still ALIVE! See you tomorrow at the Newspaper Club!
Kennedy :)
From: Arthur Bean ([email protected])
To: Kennedy Laurel ([email protected])
Sent: September 8, 22:04
Dear Kennedy,
I missed you too! You should write a travel book or something about Malaysia. I bet you would boost their tourism by 100%!
Anyway, my summer was actually good — way better than last year. Robbie and I were the most popular guys at Arts Camp (not surprising, hahaha), and it was actually really cool. We learned all kinds of things about filmmaking, and we’re going to make a blockbuster movie. We’re going to get everyone in the school to be in it, even just as extras or something. Of course you’ll have to be one of the stars! We already have a really good camera. It is super expensive and does amazing things to make your shots look professional. Ms Whitehead suggested that we join the AV Club, which I guess we’ll have to do if we want to use the editing software and stuff. It kind of sucks that we have to join because the kids in the AV Club are annoying. They think they know everything! Plus Mrs. Ireland is in charge. If she’s strict in class, I bet she’s the same for AV projects. But I guess we’ll do it for our art.
Yours truly,
Arthur Bean
P.S.: I’m definitely in for the newspaper this year. Mr. Everett said last year that I could have my own opinion column this year!
P.P.S.: Nice work on the Superman reference. Even if you had to Google it.
From: Kennedy Laurel ([email protected])
To: Arthur Bean ([email protected])
Sent: September 8, 22:50
Hi Arthur!
So you’re going to be a famous movie director! That’s AWESOME! I can’t wait to hear all about your camp adventures! I’ve never been to summer camp, but every book and movie about it makes it sound like there’s LOADS of adventures and romance LOL! And I’ll DEFINITELY be in your movie! I was born to be a star, baby!! LOL! LOL!!!
Kennedy :)
September 9th
Dear RJ,
Well, dinner with Anila and my dad was kind of a bust. My dad seemed to be doing his best mime impression and barely said anything. Anila tried to ask him about yoga, but he didn’t have anything to say. And my choice of menu was a little off. It’s a good thing we had the salad, because I forgot that Anila is half-vegan, so she barely ate any of the chicken pasta, and she talked about how awful it is how chickens are raised. I didn’t realize how terrible chickens have it. I just wish that they didn’t taste so good. I’ll have to try to be more vegan, I guess. Although I don’t know what exactly a vegan is. I think it’s a fancy vegetarian.
I had kind of forgotten what Anila was like. I haven’t really seen her since coming back from camp. She doesn’t think my jokes are hilarious (which, for the record, RJ, they are). She kind of laughs at them, but a lot of the time she pauses a long time before she laughs. I asked her about it once, and she said that she does think I’m funny, but that sometimes she doesn’t get it right away because English is her second language — which is weird because her English is perfect. And she talks a lot. She actually talks almost as much as Kennedy, but about different things, like current events. It made me think that I should read the newspaper more.
Know what was the strangest part though? I’m really happy to see Anila and hang out with her, and I like getting texts from her, but I don’t really think about her when she’s not there. It’s almost like I forget that I have a girlfriend. Is that bad?
Yours truly,
Arthur Bean
ZOMBIE SCHOOL MOVIE
by Arthur Bean and Robbie Zack
I, Arthur Bean, hereby declare an equal partnership between Robbie Zack and Arthur Bean on the making of the next Hollywood blockbuster movie, where zombie teachers take over a school and it’s up to the coolest, most awesome students to destroy them and restore order to a troubled universe. We declare that we will meet every couple of weeks to write and direct our movie, where we both do equal amounts of work and both of us get credit for everything all the time, no matter whose idea it is. I decree that I promise to write down all the important things because Robbie hates doing that, and he will sketch out scenes, or, as we call them in the ‘biz, storyboards.
It is through this official contract that we will create the greatest movie ever created by grade eights in Canada, equally.
Signed,
Arthur Bean Robbie Zack
Hi, Artie!
Welcome back to the Newspaper Club! With some of last year’s members returning, it looks like “read” will be the hottest colour at Terry Fox Jr. High this year!
The grade eight/nine band is going to Ontario (OnTerrible is more like it! — Just kidding! I’m from there!) this year for MusicFest! To help them get there, they are doing a silent auction of goods and services. Mr. Eagleson had some concerns about not getting enough people, and asked if the newspaper could help out by giving them some free advertising. Would you be able to talk to Mr. Eagleson and find out what kind of prizes they have, and what MusicFest is, and write something that will get students interested in bidding on their auction? That would be as grand as a piano!
Mr. E.
From: Kennedy Laurel ([email protected])
To: Arthur Bean ([email protected])
Sent: September 12, 20:49
Hi Arthur!
A whole bunch of us are going to the mall on Saturday to hang out, like me and Jill and Catie and I think even Robbie and maybe Ben?!? Do you want to come? It’s supposed to be SUPER rainy outside! Maybe the mall isn’t your thing though LOL! We’re probably just going to eat fries and wander around!!
Kennedy :)
From: Anila Bhati ([email protected])
To: Arthur Bean ([email protected])
Sent: September 13, 13:06
Dear Arthur,
I know you’re at school right now, but I was thinking about you and thought I would write you an email! I have computer lab time right now. I was going to use it to start a letter-writing campaign to my MP, but I couldn’t get focused. So, instead of doing my work, I’m writing you an email.
I was thinking about how amazing it is that we met. I mean, the chances are slim that we will ever meet someone who is so in tune with who we are, and to meet at the same camp and be from the same city. It is truly something … Remember that old oak tree at camp? You know, the one where everyone carves their initials, and you can see the people’s initials disappear as the tree grows … Some people’s initials are probably not even visible anymore. Let’s make a promise to not be like those initials, and be remembered together forever.
I was looking earlier at articles about the North. Did you hear about the polar bears? They’re disappearing too. It’s awful, isn’t it? I’d love to know what you think … I miss talking to you about this stuff!
I can’t wait to see you on Saturday. I hope we are still going to hang out! I miss you!
Love,
Anila
From: Arthur Bean ([email protected])
To: Anila Bhati ([email protected])
Sent: September 13, 19:33
> Dear Anila,
I’m not really sure if the tree with initials was an oak. I think that it was a different type of tree, like a spruce maybe? Oaks have leaves, and I’m pretty sure that the initial tree has needles. Also, I think you can see all the initials on it.
Anyway, your email is really nice. I can’t wait to see you either. I was thinking of going to the mall on Saturday, but I know you hate it, so I can do that before we hang out. It’s supposed to rain on Saturday. Also, I’ve been reading stuff in school about oil spills, and they are really bad for the environment too! We can talk about that if you want to.
Yours truly,
Arthur Bean
From: Anila Bhati ([email protected])
To: Arthur Bean ([email protected])
Sent: September 13, 21:09
Dear Arthur,
I prefer to think of the tree as an oak. The symbolism is more powerful. I’ll call it poetic licence. :)
You’re right. I do hate the mall. There’s just so much to buy and there’s no need for any of it! I could meet you there, though, if you have to go. Then we could go to the park. Or, actually, there’s this thing … a few people from school were talking about cleaning up the park nearby. We could do that!
I also read this M. T. Anderson book this week. It was very bleak, and the future is so overwhelmed by advertising and technology that there are internet feeds literally inside the brains of the characters. Maybe I’ll bring it for you to borrow. I think you will appreciate the social message.
Love,
Anila
From: Arthur Bean ([email protected])
To: Anila Bhati ([email protected])
Sent: September 14, 8:12
Dear Anila,
Scenes from the Epic Life of a Total Genius Page 1