I thought Ms Whitehead should do it. It’s important that there are women who have roles they can sink their teeth into. That’s what Anila says. –AB
“Sink their teeth into?” Zombies? Vampires? Get it? –AB
lame –rz
I suggest that you both spend some time before our next meeting focusing on what is APPROPRIATE for a school-related film project. –Mrs. Ireland
October 23rd
Dear RJ,
I think our movie is going to be epic! We’ve been working really hard on it, and it sounds like it’s going to be just like a Hollywood film. I even think that Robbie might have been right about the video camera. The ones in the AV Club are so old that this one is going to be way better! All we need is to get Mrs. Ireland on board. At our next meeting, we’re going to tell her that she can’t stifle our creative outlet, or else we’ll start smoking. I bet she believes that.
Yours truly,
Arthur Bean
October 21
Flying Spirits Arts Camp
Box 13, RR1
Canmore, AB
Dear Camper,
We are writing to you with some distressing news. We have recently completed our inventory, and it has come to our attention that one of the video cameras has gone missing from the camp’s AV centre.
As a premier arts camp, we pride ourselves on having quality equipment for our campers to use. As you know, one of the principles of the camp is honesty and integrity, in both creative work and moral character. We are devastated to think that one of our summer campers has broken this moral code and taken some of our shared equipment. Should this camera and its accompanying pieces not be found, we will be forced to raise campers’ registration fees to cover the cost of this equipment.
We had hoped that the camera was merely misplaced, but we conducted a thorough search and nothing has turned up. As such, we are making a plea to all our summer campers: should you have any information about the missing equipment and its whereabouts, please let us know.
Sincerely,
Tomasz Zloty
Director, Flying Spirits Arts Camp
Robbie, did you get that camp letter?
wat letter?
They know about the camera!
i never get any mail
This is NOT mail you want! Anila got a letter too. They’re totally onto us. I had to play so dumb with Anila.
well u can be reelly dumb sometimes
October 24th
Dear RJ,
We’re so screwed. I got a letter in the mail from the camp about the missing video camera. They must know it was me and Robbie! They have to! Why else would they say that if I had any information I should come forward?
I bet they only sent it to the suspects. They sent one to my dad too, and he brought it up at dinner. I acted really shocked. I was going to act outraged that someone would do that, but I didn’t want to overdo it (that’s something we learned at Arts Camp — when you’re acting, don’t be too over-the-top). He didn’t say much more, so I think he believed me. (Another reason to thank Arts Camp, and another reason that I don’t want to get caught.)
This is why I don’t break rules, RJ. I ALWAYS get caught. People who always break the rules know how to do it.
I can’t handle it.
Yours truly,
Arthur Bean
My dad said I can sleep over on Saturday. I didn’t tell him it’s a party though. Also, can I maybe invite Anila for the evening? I think I should, because she is my girlfriend.
I also think I will go as Leonardo da Vinci. I’ll wear paint on my clothes and a bandage over my ear!
u come up with the dummest costumes. wear my old batman costume. bring anilla if u want. and dont forget the chips.
October 26th
Dear RJ,
I’m going to my first actual party tomorrow night. Anila is coming with me too. It’ll be our first outing as a couple. I don’t know what to do at a party. For one thing, Robbie’s brother doesn’t even seem to like me, so I don’t know what his friends are going to be like. Robbie said that Caleb invited half his grade to the party. I can’t imagine how they’re going to fit that many people into their apartment. I wonder if there’s going to be a beer keg. I don’t know how people even get beer kegs, but parties on TV always have beer kegs. Especially teenagers. They ALWAYS have kegs.
Anyway, I’m kind of nervous, RJ. I don’t like big crowds and I hate being hot. They don’t even have a balcony to use to cool off. I also don’t want Anila and Kennedy to meet. Sometimes Anila can be really weird. When she gets nervous, her voice changes. She sounds almost Australian when that happens. I don’t even know why I invited her. I wanted her to come, but as soon as I invited her, I started thinking about how she and Robbie were always arguing at camp, and how I’ll have to introduce her to everyone and probably talk to her all night because she won’t know anyone else. I think that I might hate going to parties.
Yours truly,
Arthur Bean
I’m so excited for the party tonight, Arthur. I can’t wait until you see my costume! XOXO
What time does it start? We should probably get there early.
You’re right. We’ll pick you up at 6. That way we can help Robbie and Caleb decorate and set up.
My first party! I’m so glad you’ll be there by my side. I’m already a little nervous … XOXO
PLEASE don’t be nervous!
From: Kennedy Laurel ([email protected])
To: Arthur Bean ([email protected])
Sent: October 28, 2:13
Hi Arthur!
Can you BELIEVE that party?!?! Robbie was SO out of line!! I can’t BELIEVE he said those things about MY brother!! You NEVER talk about someone’s FAMILY like that! What a total jerk!! I’m never speaking to him AGAIN! And he’s one to talk! Caleb is the STUPIDEST, LAMEST person around! That was seriously the worst party EVER!
ANYWAY, enough about the terrible party! It was nice to FINALLY meet your girlfriend LOL! She seems really REALLY REALLY nice! And her costume was … ummm … detailed LOL! She talks A LOT, hey? I think she talked to EVERYONE there (but I guess that wouldn’t be hard when there’s only 6 people LOL!). ANYWAY, seeing you with your girlfriend made me kind of sad, because I miss having a boyfriend! Too bad you’re taken :( LOL! I guess I’ll just make do having you be my friend! OK, I’m getting sleeeeepy. Bedtime! See you on Monday!
Kennedy
From: Anila Bhati ([email protected])
To: Arthur Bean ([email protected])
Sent: October 28, 7:20
Dear Arthur,
Thank you so much for the invitation to Robbie’s party. You looked really cute as Batman. I hope my Frida Kahlo costume wasn’t too over-the-top. I can’t believe no one knew who I was! It’s too bad that more people didn’t show up. Robbie’s brother looked so disappointed, didn’t he?
One thing though. I didn’t think that you were still friends with Kennedy. Don’t get me wrong. She seemed quite nice, but she was all over you, hugging you and giggling at everything you said. Even when she and Robbie got into that terrible argument about their brothers, she was touching your arm as though you were on her side. I was watching and you never told her to stop or anything. I didn’t want to seem like I was jealous or anything, but it seemed quite strange. She knows that you’re my boyfriend, right? She barely talked to me. She seemed to talk only to you. I thought parties were for meeting new people and learning from them. Anyway, I guess if she’s a friend of yours, that’s okay, but can you make sure she knows that you have a girlfriend, and that girlfriend is me?
I probably sound mad. I’m not mad at you (how could I be?) but I thought about it a lot last night, and I felt you should know how I felt.
XOXOX
Anila
October 28th
Dear RJ,
Well, the party was an epic fail. Robbie’s brother had invited a whole bunch of people, but barely anyone came (we’re talking five peo
ple). There wasn’t a keg either. And the people who came were super bored. There were two girls other than Kennedy and Catie and Anila, and they spent the whole time on their phones and then they left really early. Also, there wasn’t any food except the chips I brought, and Robbie said that his brother was going to order pizza, but then no one had any money, so we didn’t get anything.
Then there was this huge fight between Kennedy and Robbie. Kennedy made a comment to Catie about Caleb having no friends and throwing a lame party, but Robbie overheard her and freaked out. He started saying all this mean stuff about her brother, and she got super upset and left. It was the strangest thing. I’ve heard both of them say rude stuff about their own brothers, but then they were super defensive about their families. I don’t understand it.
I also spent the whole night wishing I hadn’t invited Anila. She was talking to everyone about “being green” and no one seemed to care. It was kind of embarrassing, but I couldn’t tell her not to do that. She was even trying to tell Caleb about composting or something. Then today Anila’s mad at me for hugging Kennedy. But I had nothing to do with that. Kennedy has never hugged me, and then last night she hugged me when I got to Robbie’s, and again later when I got her a glass of water, and then AGAIN when she left (although I think that one was more to annoy Robbie than anything else).
I don’t get girls. And I was right. Parties are definitely not my thing.
Yours truly,
Arthur Bean
Haunted Hoopla at Scary School
By Arthur Bean
Do evil clowns, chainsaws or vampires set your teeth on edge? What about all of them together? Then you’d best stay away from Terry Fox Jr. High around Halloween, because the school is about to get spooky!
As a fundraiser, the Drama Club will be taking over part of the ground floor of the school to create one of the biggest haunted houses in the city. For three nights, the school will transform into a ghostly lair, with each room along the Drama hallway boasting its own scary theme. I spoke to Mr. Tan and some of the Drama Club kids to get a sneak peek into what kinds of horrors their house will hold, but most of them were tight-lipped. “It will be epic,” one kid promised me. He and his friend laughed (rather maniacally). “There will be a lot of blood and gore. Buckets of blood. And gore,” said one girl.
Mr. Tan just smiled at this reporter and said that people would have to come to find out, but that the house was not for the faint of heart, or small children. Afterwards, I did some investigative journalism to get you, my fair readers, the full story. Based on what I could find hiding in various classroom storage rooms, as well as props hidden in the theatre dressing rooms, I believe that Haunted House goers will probably find scarily themed rooms like:
Chemistry gone wrong! A mad scientist leads you through his lab, showing you his crazy … textbook collection.
Some sort of crazy man-beast named MopMan and his sidekick, Dustpan Dave, hiding out in the janitor’s closet after escaping the freak show at the circus.
Math.
This reporter is scared already. The Haunted House runs from October 30 until November 1 and costs $5 per person, or $4 with a Food Bank donation.
Come … if you dare …
Great work, Artie! I’m not sure how much of this you’ve imagined, but I think you’ve done a good job of creating interest. Make sure you fact check your stories; we don’t want to lead our readers on. You never know when someone may have an intense MopMan phobia!
Cheers!
Mr. E.
From: Anila Bhati ([email protected])
To: Arthur Bean ([email protected])
Sent: October 29, 16:17
Dear Arthur,
Are you avoiding me? I haven’t heard from you in a few days, and I’m worried about you! I hope you didn’t think I was mad at you! I had a lovely time at Robbie’s house, and I promise I’m not one of those jealous girls who doesn’t allow her boyfriend to have friends who are girls. I’m not like that. I guess I was just surprised that you are friends with a girl like Kennedy. She’s so different from us.
Anyway, I really want to talk to you! I miss you so much, and it’s been AGONY thinking that you were mad at me for my email. I didn’t mean to make you mad! I’m so sorry!
XOXOXO
Anila
From: Arthur Bean ([email protected])
To: Anila Bhati ([email protected])
Sent: October 29, 18:08
Dear Anila,
I’m not mad at you! You shouldn’t think that. I’ve just been busy with my movie and school. I meant to write you back on Sunday when I got your email.
Kennedy is just like that. She’s nice but we’re just friends. I’m just sorry you didn’t get a chance to talk to her, because of that fight and all. She reads a lot too, like you!
Yours truly,
Arthur Bean
October 29th
Dear RJ,
So it seems the ignoring thing that Luke suggested works! At first I just pretended like I never got Anila’s email, so then she wrote again and was sorry for getting mad. I didn’t think that would work at all, but it did! Does this work for everything? My mom always said that you should face a problem head-on, but I think she might have been wrong. It’s a great trick! I’ll never get in trouble again! I’m going to take Anila to the Haunted House on Halloween to make sure everything’s OK. Plus, it’s in the dark, so nobody will even recognize us!
Yours truly,
Arthur Bean
NOVEMBER
November 3rd
Dear RJ,
I hung out with Anila today. She was really quiet. I was going to ask her what she was thinking about, but she does that to me all the time, even in the middle of movies, and I hate it. I don’t know what to answer. I feel like she wants me to say that I’m thinking about her, but most of the time I’m not. I’m thinking about almost everything other than her.
Sometimes I am thinking about her, but then I think about whether she would have gotten along with my mom. I don’t know if she would have. My mom got annoyed when she overheard people in the grocery store talking loudly about their opinions of stuff. She wasn’t very quiet herself, so then she would turn to me and say things like, “I’m not sure that the middle of the store is the BEST place to share your old-fashioned opinions on union dues” (or whatever they were talking about). Sometimes she would get called out on it, and then she would pretend like she wasn’t talking about that person. It was really embarrassing.
Anila talks loudly about her opinions. Sometimes it’s like I can even hear my mom sighing and huffing in the kitchen, even though I know she’s not there. It’s funny how she was so loud herself, but then other loud people annoyed her so much. I miss her, RJ. She would have a good title for our movie. She was good at making up titles for things.
Yours truly,
Arthur Bean
ZOMBIE SCHOOL
by Arthur Bean and Robbie Zack
November 6 Production Meeting Notes
I’d like to see a recap of what you decide as a team during these production meetings, as well as any notes that you feel are important to remember in future meetings. Note any questions and requests in your production meeting notes and I will respond accordingly. I expect that the AV Club meetings will be productive and respectful and that material will remain appropriate at all times. –Mrs. Ireland
MEETING RECAP:
We definitely need access to the school roof to do the alien parts of the movie. Hopefully we can rent a crane to get a good shot of a spaceship. We know you probably don’t have the budget for it, but if you do, that’s number one. We also need access to the basement for the scenes when we discover the secret lair of the zombies. We probably need access to the whole school because we could put the camera in a corner so it looks like a security camera shot of us discovering the zombies. Which means that we also need a green filter so we can make it look like security camera footage.
TO REMEMB
ER:
I want there to be a scene where Ms Whitehead is watching the news in a mall electronics store and there are zombie outbreaks in New York and Chicago and Dubai. All around her are dead bodies. She is laughing. Mr. Lee comes up behind her. Now he is also a zombie, and he holds her hand. They kiss, and then they start chewing on each other’s faces. It’ll be super gross. –AB
i think we should keep the romantic senes between reel peopl, cuz 2 teachers are never gonna kiss, even to be famous. –rz
I think they would to be famous. Everyone wants to be famous. –AB
not for eating faces. –rz
I still think we should log it as an upcoming scene in the movie. –AB
i guess it could come after the alien sene. maybe mr lee gets sucked into the spaceship as its happenning, and his eyeball could be stuk between Ms. W’s teeth as it pulls away. –rz
Gentlemen, there will be no filming on the roof or in the basement. It’s not written currently in the AV Club guidelines, but it is a strict rule governing the Club. And a crane is most certainly too pricey for the Club budget. Finally, a romantic interlude between “teacher zombies” will not occur. –Mrs. Ireland
AV CLUB GUIDELINES — Amended
1. Any student may join the AV Club.
2. All equipment must be reserved ahead of time and signed out upon use and signed in upon return.
3. Have fun!
4. Filming must take place in sanctioned school areas. There is no filming in areas restricted to students, such as the basement, the roof and the staff room.
Scenes from the Epic Life of a Total Genius Page 4