I’ve never felt more stupid, RJ. I don’t even know what to say to Kennedy. Do I talk to her? Why would she let Catie do that?
Yours truly,
Arthur Bean
Arthur,
I haven’t received your last English assignment on Gratitude. This is the second assignment in a row that has been tardy. Please feel free to talk to me if there is anything going on at home that is prohibiting you from submitting assignments on time. This kind of forgetfulness is not like you!
Ms Whitehead
Assignment: Thanks, Pickles
By Arthur Bean
Dear Pickles,
You are a demon cat, but thank you for sticking around, even after Mom died. I know you don’t like me or Dad very much, but you hang around anyway. You’ve taught me a lot of things too. You taught me that sometimes you need to draw blood to get the attention that you want. You taught me that it’s okay to hide when you don’t want to see people and that they (mostly) will still be there when you come back. You taught me that sometimes you have to act like someone totally different than who you are to get what you want. I’ve seen you be really nice to Nicole because she sometimes gives you bits of canned tuna or little nibbles of cheese. So thanks for kind of being there, sometimes, Pickles.
Since you can’t read English, here’s a recap: Meow meow mew. Meow, mew, meowwww. Meeee ooooowwww. Meow.
Arthur,
I’m uncertain as to why you chose your cat to thank. The point of this assignment was not to be humorous, but to reflect upon those who have made a lasting impression and thank them. I believe that you could have tried a lot harder. I know you’re a strong writer, Arthur, and your reflections are often much more in-depth. This is just not up to your usual quality.
Again, if there is any problem you wish to discuss with me, please see me. My door is always open.
Ms Whitehead
ZOMBIE SCHOOL
by Arthur Bean and Robbie Zack
and Von Ipo
February 21 Production Meeting Notes
I’m concerned that your ideas have gotten out of control. Should you expect to film any of your movie, the storyboard outline must be completed today. Do not exceed twenty scenes in your planning. –Mrs. Ireland
Scene Nineteen: Zipcode’s Secret Weapons Lair
Tuff Arnold arrives and Zipcode and Blazer have gotten together the last remaining soldiers from the GGA. They all prepare for a final battle against the zombies, who have left every other city and descended upon Calgary because they heard that the GGA was the most powerful army in the world, and to achieve full zombie world domination, they have to kill them off. There is really powerful music playing in this scene, like maybe heavy rap music.
Scene Twenty: School
The zombies from around North America are preparing for battle too, in a montage.
Scene Twenty-One: School Gym
The GGA lure all the zombies into the school gym and lock the doors. Then they attack from the storage room, throwing all the balls and equipment at the zombies. The zombies are losing limbs left and right! Most of the GGA is also killed by zombies. In the end, there are only Tuff Arnold and Zipcode and Blazer left. They are surrounded by zombies, and it looks like they’re going to die. But then Blazer looks at Zipcode, and says, “It’s time,” and he points to his bionic wrist. On the wrist where there would be a watch is a self-destruct button. Zipcode says, “No way, man. You don’t have to do that.” Blazer says, “I do.” Tuff Arnold says, “Do what?” Zipcode ignores him, and says, “Take us with you.” Blazer says, “No. You have to rebuild the world. Make a zombie-free world. For the children.” Tuff Arnold says, “What are you planning to do?!” Zipcode says, “Then at least take Tuff Arnold with you.” Blazer pushes Zipcode and Tuff away. “Go. Now.” They hesitate, but the zombies are getting really close. “RUN!” Zipcode and Tuff run away, and leave Blazer in the gym.
Scene Twenty-Two: Outside the School
As Zipcode and Tuff Arnold run out the doors, the school blows up. It is snowing lightly outside. Tuff Arnold mutters, “I guess school’s out … forever.” Zipcode takes off his blazer and holds it up to the sky. “You did it, man. You’re a hero.” Music swells as the sun sets over the blazer, and Zipcode is still standing, lit by the fire of the school in the background. Blackout. Credits roll.
NOTES FOR LATER:
I like that my caracter blows up the school. –rz
I’m really great at chemistry. I had a chemistry set growing up and can do awesome stuff to make it all really real. –VI
I think we need city permits to blow up buildings. I can forge my dad’s signature on them if we need. –AB
Please refer back to Points 5 and 7 in the AV Club policy. And my note about a maximum number of 20 scenes in your script. –Mrs. Ireland
5. There will be no guns in the film, and other weaponry will be kept to a bare minimum.
7. Special effects involving explosions are expressly forbidden.
8. Scripts are necessary to facilitate a successful project.
From: Kennedy Laurel ([email protected])
To: Arthur Bean ([email protected])
Sent: February 22, 17:02
Hi Arthur!
How are you? I haven’t heard from you in AGES! Are you mad at me?!
I feel like you might be mad at me because Catie thought she was being funny at the dance! She really wanted it to be a girls’ night though! I hope you aren’t angry! I really do want us to be friends!
Kennedy :(
From: Arthur Bean ([email protected])
To: Kennedy Laurel ([email protected])
Sent: February 22, 21:00
Dear Kennedy,
Of course I’m not mad at you. I’ve been really busy with the movie and writing. Plus we’ve had so much homework. It’s almost as though the teachers think that because it’s cold out we have all this time to do whatever we want.
What are you doing this weekend? I’m always free to hang out. Just say the word and I’ll be there! We can do anything. I hear that they have free public skating on Sundays evenings at the community centre. I could take you skating. It would be like a belated Valentine’s Day activity!
Yours truly,
Arthur Bean
From: Kennedy Laurel ([email protected])
To: Arthur Bean ([email protected])
Sent: February 23, 11:07
Hi Arthur!
Oh phew!! I was worried there LOL!
I can’t go skating this weekend, but thanks for asking! I know what you mean about the homework! I’m so swamped with school stuff! I promised Catie I would be her partner for the Science Fair, but somehow every time we meet we never get as much done as we think we will. I’m SURE it’s not because we start talking about other stuff LOL! Anyway, we are getting together all weekend to work on our project and this time we will finish it. (Probably not!) We’re doing ours on calories and what they mean and stuff! It means we get to test lots of junk food LOL!
I also hope you’re joking about the Valentine’s Day activity! FRIENDS don’t do Valentine’s Day stuff!!
Kennedy :)
From: Arthur Bean ([email protected])
To: Kennedy Laurel ([email protected])
Sent: February 23, 12:46
Dear Kennedy,
Of course I was joking! You should hang around with me more. You’re starting to not recognize my witty jokes! We’ll have to hang out next weekend. Good luck with your Science project!
Yours truly,
Arthur Bean
February 23rd
Dear RJ,
I’m not mad at Kennedy anymore. I was for a while, but how can I stay mad at her? She seemed really upset in her email and I don’t want to upset her. She’s so worried that we won’t be friends anymore if we date, but I’m pretty sure that a lot of couples are still friends when they are together.
My parents always said that they were each other’s
best friend, so Kennedy just needs to hear stuff like that and she’ll come around. I invited her to do the most romantic thing ever, so maybe next week we can skate. We’ll hold hands and then she’ll start to fall, and I’ll have to try and catch her, but I won’t do a very good job, and I’ll fall first and then she’ll fall on top of me and we’ll make out.
Yours truly,
Arthur Bean
Hey Artie,
Have I got a sweet article for you! The grade nine Home Ec. final baking project is a bake sale, and I know you’ve got a sweet tooth. Could you do a write-up about the delicious sweets these students have made? Please remember to be kind; the Home Ec. class has worked hard to perfect their treats. I want you to use your good ol’ Artie charm, and not serve up your finely honed critique methods for this assignment!
Cheers!
Mr. E.
Assignment: Judge a Book by Its Cover
We’re starting our novel study unit, and due to popular demand, you’ll have a choice of novels to work on! Please choose one of the following three novels:
The Dark Is Rising by Susan Cooper
Invitation to the Game by Monica Hughes
Kensuke’s Kingdom by Michael Morpurgo
Examine the cover of the the book you chose, and answer the following questions in a short paragraph:
Why did you pick that particular book versus the other two?
What does the cover tell you?
What do you think the story will be like?
What are you expecting to happen?
Due: March 5
MARCH
March 3rd
Dear RJ,
Most boring weekend ever. Robbie was mooning over Catie the whole time we hung out. I don’t know why he bothers. He texts her and asks her to do stuff but she always tells him she’s busy. He should just give it up, already.
I got so bored watching him on his phone that I even texted Anila to say hello, but she never texted me back. I don’t blame her, really, although I’m trying to be a good guy. I mean, what if we both go to camp next year and have to see each other?
I kind of miss talking to her. I told her stuff that I never told anyone (except you, RJ). And she just listened to me, and sometimes she gave me advice, but not always. That was pretty nice.
Yours truly,
Arthur Bean
mom says we r going to nc for spring break. dad says over his dead body. my bros a criminnal and my mom is about to be a murderer. my family is crazy
Can you tell her you need to be here? We need to film the movie over spring break! How else are we going to get to put blood all over the school?
You can stay with us if you have to. My dad won’t even notice that you’re here, I bet.
Assignment: The Dark Is Rising Book Cover
By Arthur Bean
I picked The Dark Is Rising by Susan Cooper, because I’ve read it at least four times before. This way, I don’t have to read it again. I think everyone should have chosen The Dark Is Rising, because it’s one of the best books ever written. Whenever I read it, I wish I had written it. Looking at the cover, I think it would be mostly about wild horses, because the horse on the cover looks crazy and like he’s going to attack the boy cowering underneath him.
I would also assume that it takes place in the summer, because the guy doesn’t have a jacket on. But I know that it takes place around Christmas. I think the story will be very mysterious and dark, with twinges of King Arthur legends in it. I think that this book will make me want to stay up all night reading, underneath thick covers with a mug of hot chocolate when it’s snowing outside.
Arthur,
I’m glad that you enjoyed reading The Dark Is Rising so much. It’s one of my favourites too. But since you’re already so familiar with the book, please choose another of the novels, so that you can approach the book “fresh” and then see if your expectations have been met. That is the point of this exercise.
Ms Whitehead
ZOMBIE SCHOOL
by Arthur Bean, Robbie Zack and Von Ipo
March 7 Production Meeting Notes
Gentlemen, I have strong reservations about your storyboards and script notes; as we progress, I expect that you will be fully cooperative in the editing process. However, to remain on schedule, please look at how you would like to cast your film, keeping in mind that every student interested must be given equal opportunity in the selection process. I trust that there will be no nepotism in the audition process. –Mrs. Ireland
since we don’t know what neppottism means, I dout there will be any of that hapening were just going to choose people we like anyway. –rz
Do you guys want me to write up some audition monologues? I’ve already got this awesome one where one girl is actually Tuff Arnold’s sister Muffy Arnold, and she sees her long-lost brother after twenty years of living apart. –VI
lets use parts of the walking dead show as audition peaces. that show is awesome! –rz
We could use that one, and maybe some of Shaun of the Dead, because everyone in that one is British, so we can see if people can do accents. –AB
we need 1 with lots of swearing so we kno people sound natural when they are killing zombies. –rz
Please note item 1 and a new item 9 of the AV Club policy. –Mrs. Ireland
1. Any student may join the AV Club.
9. Language in the script and on set must be appropriate for all ages.
Assignment: Tweet Your Book Review!
As you work through our novel study, write four Tweets about the novel you have chosen. Focus on keeping information about your experience reading the book brief but engaging; Tweets can only be 140 characters, including letters, spaces and punctuation. Use your words wisely; the best novel responses will be featured on the school’s public Twitter account!
Due: March 22
Sweet Treats and Gooey Eats
By Arthur Bean
Calling all dentists! This is your chance to get some new patients, because there’s no way the students at Terry Fox Jr. High were able to resist the gourmet delights of the grade nine Home Ec. class. As the final exam for their baking unit, Mrs. Chao’s classes got to choose their own recipes, and a friendly competition was waged at the bake sale.
The first treats to go were, surprisingly, those of Sandy Dickason and Victor Hsiao. I never tried them because I don’t trust Sandy at all, but their chocolate chili cake slices seemed to be a hit. A close second were the coconut macaroons; everyone raved about their sweet centres. I tried the snickerdoodles, which were the perfect blend of crunchy and chewy, the caramel blondies, which would have been better if there hadn’t been actual blond hair in them, and the chocolate fudge drops, which were pretty good too. Everything was sold out by the end of the day on Wednesday, except for a few Rice Krispies squares. It marked a very successful bake sale, although it was decidedly less fun for those taking the bus home with Connor “Pukey” Tooey.
Oh, Artie,
It’s actually impressive that you are consistently able to write articles that are simultaneously celebratory and defamatory. You’ve really been improving, but again, I’ll be doing some edits to tone down your editorial voice. Come by after school to chat about what you need to work on in order to continue improving your articles.
Mr. E.
Dear Mr. Everett,
I really think that you’re missing the point of my articles. If I had my own column, readers would better understand my witty sense of humour. It seems to be lost on a lot of people these days, but Robbie Zack said that I’m like olives. Even if you hate olives, if you keep tasting one every day, you’ll eventually really like them. Maybe you’ll even crave them. Think about it.
Yours truly,
Arthur Bean
Artie,
I need to see you grow as a reporter and be objective in your articles before you’ll have your own column. You need to be able to report on “olive” the story, not just make a joke of it!
Mr. E.
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CALL NOTICE FOR ZOMBIE MOVIE!!!
Be in the greatest movie ever made at Terry Fox Jr. High!
NO EXPERIENCE NECESSARY
(but is recommended)
SIGN UP TO AUDITION AT
THE DRAMA ROOM
AUDITIONS ARE MARCH 20 and 21
AFTER SCHOOL
GET FAMOUS!
TALK TO ARTHUR BEAN
OR ROBBIE ZACK (in homeroom 8B)
FOR INFORMATION!!
* or Von Ipo *
(Teachers are also welcome!)
We have to get the camera back before spring break. I can’t handle it anymore!
why r you handling it? I thot we agreed not to touch it hahaha
It’s not funny, Robbie! My dad saw it today and started asking a bunch of questions.
I had to say that Mrs. Ireland lent it to me and he said that it was odd that the school would lend out such a nice piece of electronic equipment. He’s on to us!!
Scenes from the Epic Life of a Total Genius Page 11