Scenes from the Epic Life of a Total Genius

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Scenes from the Epic Life of a Total Genius Page 15

by Stacey Matson


  It was kind of spooky to be at the camp with no one around. We went into the mess hall and that’s when I had the brilliant idea of hiding the camera underneath the pile of broken chairs and tables at the back of the storage room! We had to drag every single chair (there were like 200 of them!) out to the tables first, but then at very back I put the camera under a musty blanket and we left it there. Then we took buckets and sponges and we wiped all the chairs and tables clean.

  It was so much work, and I’d forgotten how much Anila talks. She can talk forever! When all the adults came down to tell us that it was time to go, Anila was amazing because she said, “Oh! Tomasz! I think I saw some old electronics in with the broken stuff. Would you mind if I borrowed an old typewriter if you have one?” So then we all went into the storage room, and … there was the camera! Tomasz was so happy. I told him that I actually had kind of spotted it too, but I’d forgotten to say something, so that he didn’t think that I was hiding information. Halina said that they had been looking for that camera everywhere, so I said that I remembered a bunch of kids were making a movie about monsters in a closet and so they must have forgotten it in here. I totally covered it up. It was some of the best acting of my life, RJ.

  So now the camera is back and no one will ever know that Robbie had it. Maybe there will be other kids from school at camp this year, and they’ll think that Robbie never stole it because it will be at camp, and everything will be back to normal next year. That would be awesome. And Kennedy will realize she was wrong, and she’ll do anything to make it up to me … And maybe Catie and Von will switch schools. Then everything could be almost perfect.

  Yours truly,

  Arthur Bean

  Assignment: Inspired by Emotion

  For our major assignment of the year, please take something from your own life over the past year and turn it into a creative writing piece. This can take any form you wish and may be fictionalized, but it must be based on something that happened to you and which evoked a strong emotional reaction.

  Remember to incorporate elements of storytelling that we’ve studied this year into your piece, but the main focus should be on the emotional quotient. Make your reader feel something!

  Due: June 14

  Going Green with Arthur Bean

  By Arthur Bean

  This is the first of our feature series, “Going Green with Arthur Bean,” where I’ll be teaching you about new and exciting ways that you can help to save the planet. I’ve interviewed experts such Anila Bhati, who is the president of the Environment Club at Sam Livingston Academy and a renowned teen environmental activist in Calgary. I’ve done my research on the Internet too.

  I bet you think you’re already saving the planet. Sure, you recycle and maybe you even remember a reusable bag sometimes. But I’m here to tell you that that’s not enough! You’re not doing as much as you can, and because of that, you are killing the Earth. That’s right. It may be gone before you have grandchildren, and it will be all your fault. So change your ways now, before it’s too late!

  Everyone has to start somewhere, so I asked teen expert Anila Bhati what her top things would be, and she said that the best thing we can do is pay attention to the food we eat. So here are three tips for you:

  1. Go grocery shopping with your mom and tell her to buy local food more often, and eat seasonally. Strawberries don’t even taste good in the winter, so you should only buy them when they are around in the summer. Anila says that you’ll find that not only are you helping the planet, but you’re also helping your tastebuds. Food just tastes better when it isn’t sitting in a storage room or a truck to ripen.

  2. Don’t eat sharks. I watched a documentary and sharks are in danger. Humans kill between 63 and 273 MILLION sharks a year. I didn’t even know there were that many sharks in the world! It’s also really easy to not eat sharks, so I bet most of you already are doing this. So keep up the good work! It’s better to have a shark eat you than for you to eat a shark.

  3. Compost your food scraps. Calgary has a compost program, but it’s only in the southwest communities, so we probably won’t get one for a while. But you can also get worm composting kits, which would be awesome because then you have pet worms. Composting is tricky because sometimes it smells bad, and you have to pay attention to it so you don’t get maggots, but you don’t want to kill the planet, so you should get over how gross maggots are and love them the way you love your new pet worms.

  I hope these tips have been helpful to you! I’ll be back next year with more “Going Green with Arthur Bean!”

  Artie,

  I wish I could say I’m surprised by your take on this topic, but I know better by now!

  Please confirm that your information is solid — that shark statistic can’t be right, can it? Let’s tone down the feeling of attack (most people don’t want to be blamed), and we can talk in our meeting about the possibility of making this an ongoing feature next year.

  Cheers!

  Mr. E.

  ZOMBIE SCHOOL

  by Arthur Bean, Robbie Zack and Von Ipo

  Post-Production Meeting Notes

  Friday night was awesome! We got so much filmed, and I spent a bunch of time this weekend putting it together. It’s basically done! We make such a great production team! –VI

  the animations look cool. i like how u did the zombie grizzly. not bad for an amature. –rz

  I’m not sure how you could film the ENTIRE movie without me! I was one of the main characters! We had enough plot for a James Cameron-sized movie. I can’t believe you took all of it and made it fifteen minutes long. I can’t believe I worked on this all year. What a waste of time. And Von certainly shouldn’t have the last name to show up on the credits. People are going to think he did all the work when it was really Robbie’s and my idea from the beginning. I basically did all the work here. I just couldn’t be there for one day and the whole movie is taken out of my hands? –AB

  There is a lot of behind-the-scenes work in filmmaking, Arthur. If you prefer the instant gratification of your art, perhaps join the Drama Club next year. I think Von has done a wonderful job with the piece you all worked on together. –Mrs. Ireland

  May 30th

  Dear RJ,

  I can’t believe that Von made MY movie without me! I hate that guy! And Robbie seems to think it’s really good. I doubt it. I don’t even want to see it, except that I kind of want to see it so that I know exactly what I hate about it. It was basically my script (well, mine and Robbie’s), and he turned it into a kids’ movie. I don’t know how he could actually animate Robbie’s sketches and make them look good. I can’t believe Robbie would let him do that. He must be so upset about his parents and Caleb and stuff that he agreed to it without thinking.

  Yours truly,

  Arthur Bean

  JUNE

  u stil mad bout the movie?

  Yes.

  we can make ur verzon if u want.

  No. I never want to work on it again.

  k. wanna come over? i have an idea 4 a movie.

  yeah? is it about betrayal?

  no. its a robot in a warzone who becomes a destroyer of terrorrists.

  I’ll be there in 30.

  From: Von Ipo ([email protected])

  To: Arthur Bean ([email protected])

  Sent: June 4, 17:02

  Hey, Artie! I talked to Whitehead today and she said that we could use the movie as our final writing project. I guess Ireland basically told her we were geniuses. Awesome, right?

  Von

  June 4th

  Dear RJ,

  There’s no way I’m sharing a grade with Von and using the movie as my final writing project. I can’t believe he thinks it’s good. I’m going to show Ms Whitehead that I write so much better on my own, and hand in a way better story than that zombie thing.

  Yours truly,

  Arthur Bean

  June 7th

  Dear RJ,

  It’s the second ann
iversary of Mom’s death. I thought about going to school, but then I didn’t feel like getting up this morning, so I didn’t go. Dad didn’t go to work either. It was a bit weird, because we just ate breakfast in front of the TV, but since neither of us are home on weekdays, we didn’t even know what to watch, so we just watched game shows. Then Dad said that he wanted to go camping for the weekend, which is just plain weird.

  I’m not sure I want to go. I was going to hang out with Robbie. I’m supposed to be packing to go to Banff right this second. Dad said that we can go to the hot springs, which actually sounds pretty fun, although he said that we were going to go hiking on Saturday during the day, which sounds significantly less fun. We used to sometimes go to Banff in the winter and go cross-country skiing, because Mom liked to go. We haven’t been there in a long time. I hope that the pizza place I like is still open. I guess, when I stop and think about it, Banff for the weekend is way nicer than going to a graveyard. Maybe Dad finally has a good idea.

  Yours truly,

  Arthur Bean

  how waz banf?

  Not terrible. I think I like camping. I learned how to make a fire and what berries will kill you. I’m on my way to being a mountain man. Now I just need a beard. Ha!

  dude u with a beard is the funiest image ever! check it out!

  June 10th

  Dear RJ,

  My camping trip with Dad was very strange, but in kind of a good way. For one thing, we talked a lot. It was mostly not about anything important, but he told me stories about camping when he was a kid and that kind of stuff. Turns out my dad loves camping, but my mom hated it, so we never went. One night when we were sitting by the fire (because, RJ, it’s so cold in the mountains at night that I wanted to die sometimes), he brought up the video camera again. He was so sneaky about it. He just casually asked if I had returned the camera to camp last week. So I said yes. And he said, “Good. I didn’t want to have to return it for you. Don’t do that kind of stuff.” And I said “I won’t.” And he said “Good.”

  That was it. I wish I knew how he knew I was lying about it. I wonder why he didn’t say anything before. Plus, how would he have returned it without me getting into trouble? I’m glad that he didn’t do that. But why wouldn’t he have grounded me or said something to make me feel bad? That would have been way easier than sneaking around!

  Yours truly,

  Arthur Bean

  Assignment: The Franklina Diamond

  By Arthur Bean

  Chet and Franklina were the world’s best couple from grade eight until they both became famous writers. Things were going so great, and Chet couldn’t wait to get married. So he proposed one night, at sunset on a cliff overlooking the ocean next to Hollywood, where they lived.

  Franklina was so overwhelmed, she screamed, “Yes, I’ll marry you!” But then the giant diamond engagement ring caught the reflection of the sun, and Franklina was momentarily blinded, lost her balance and toppled over the cliff into the turbulent waters below. By the time Chet got down the cliff and hauled her body out of the water, she was very, very dead.

  Chet was devastated. The love of his life was gone forever. He couldn’t handle the idea of never seeing her again. He needed to have her with him, otherwise he couldn’t exist.

  That week, Chet walked the streets of Hollywood in his grief, looking for answers. On the day before the funeral, he walked past a storefront he had never seen before. It was right beside his penthouse apartment, and he was shocked that he had never noticed it before, because it looked like it had been around since before California was settled. In the musty window, there was a sign that read:

  Did Your True Love Die?

  Keep Them Around Forever. Ask Us How!

  Of course, Chet entered.

  As soon as he entered, the old woman behind the counter said, “Hello, Chet.”

  Chet was startled. “How do you know my name?” he asked.

  “It’s written on your sleeve,” she said. Chet had forgotten that he had been wearing his high school football jacket. “But I sense your grief. Let me help you.”

  Chet sat down. “This sadness. It is too much. You need this girl. You need her forever,” the woman said.

  Chet nodded. He couldn’t talk without crying.

  “I can help you keep her around, if you want,” the woman said.

  “Like a zombie?” Chet cried.

  “No. But I can make her into a diamond.”

  Chet looked at her disbelievingly.

  The old woman seemed to know what he was thinking. “I will take her body and compress it. I know how to turn human remains into the world’s hardest carbon. Then I will put that diamond in a ring that looks like you won the Super Bowl. Then your girlfriend will be with you always. She will always be connected to you.”

  Chet thought about what she had said. “I am very famous and rich,” he said. “But this sounds very expensive. How much will it cost me?”

  “Nothing,” she chuckled. Then she muttered under her breath, “Yet …” But Chet didn’t hear that part. He was too busy thinking about how this was the best way for him to keep Franklina with him, every day, forever.

  “I’ll do it,” he said.

  The woman chuckled again. “I knew you would. Leave the rest to me. Come back in a week and I will have your Franklina diamond.”

  The week passed slowly. When he finally got the diamond, it was beautiful. The ring looked just like a Super Bowl ring. And in the right light, Chet was sure the diamond looked exactly like the sparkle in Franklina’s eyes. It was perfect. Chet thanked the woman profusely. She just chuckled and said, “I wouldn’t thank me, son. Not even a little …” Chet thought this was weird, but he left wearing his Franklina diamond.

  He immediately felt lighter. When he walked down the street, he could feel Franklina’s hand in his. It really was like she was with him again.

  But then, one day, he was walking through a department store and all of a sudden, his hand reached out and grabbed a perfume bottle and tucked it into his coat. He tried to take it out, but his hand wouldn’t let him. He ran out of the store, carrying the perfume bottle. It smelled familiar … it was the same perfume that Franklina had worn.

  The next day, the same thing happened. His hand would reach out and steal stuff, and he was helpless to stop it. It happened again and again. He looked down at his new ring. The twinkle in the diamond looked mischievous, even … evil.

  He whispered to the ring, “Stop it. Whatever you’re doing, stop it.” But then his own hand slapped him hard across the face. The people on the street stopped and stared, so he kept walking.

  It got worse. Within a few days, Chet wasn’t able to leave his house without his hand stealing things or pushing old ladies over. He was at his wit’s end. “Franklina, I know you’re angry to be a diamond. But you know I love you! I can’t do this anymore!” He tried to take the ring off, but it wouldn’t work. Nothing would make the ring come off.

  The next day, he went out to find the old woman. But where the shop was before, there now stood an empty lot. There was no sign of the old woman at all. Chet may have imagined it, but he was sure he heard the ring chuckle.

  After another terrible day of stealing things and pushing old ladies, Chet sat in his kitchen, holding a butcher knife over his Super Bowl ring. He had tried everything and he knew this was his last option. He brought down the knife …

  The next morning, Chet awoke with a dull pain in his left hand. He looked down to where his ring finger used to be. It was only gauze and pain now. He smiled sadly to himself. He had never thought he would want to be rid of Franklina, but maybe he was better alone. He turned over to face the window. As he did, there was an extra sparkle that caught the light. It looked exactly like the refraction of light that had killed his true love.

  He looked down, only to see the Franklina diamond on his other hand.

  Arthur,

  I’m pleased to see that your writing skills have improved over the year. Y
ou’ve done a nice job incorporating different elements of storytelling into your narrative. “The Franklina Diamond” is very engaging; however, it’s also extremely dark in content. I’m uncertain how it matches with the final assignment parameters. What emotion and event in your life were you trying to incorporate into this story?

  Ms Whitehead

  Ms Whitehead,

  Actually, this story is very close to my life. I’ve loved and I’ve lost. Plus, this past weekend I almost cut off my own finger with an axe. You shouldn’t be so quick to assume you know everything about me. I’m very versatile.

  Arthur Bean

  June 17th

  Dear RJ,

  I saw Kennedy today in the hall, and we actually talked. It was amazing. I think she’s realized that she was being too harsh about Robbie. She’s way more awesome when Catie’s not around. She seemed kind of sad that I’ll be at camp all summer, since her family is staying in town for part of July. Maybe I can take a few days and come back to hang out with her.

  It’s funny, actually. I haven’t heard from Anila. I thought she would be calling me all the time again, but she hasn’t called once. I called her to thank her for helping me and she was nice and all, but otherwise, nothing. I wonder if she’s playing it cool so that I think she’s not into me anymore. I hope it’s not weird at camp because of our history together!

 

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