She shook her head emphatically.
“That and abstinence,” I said.
“Oui,” he said with bitter humor.
Agnes sighed. “I had thought… I don’t know what I thought. Stupid things.”
“I am sorry,” Gaston said.
I could feel him not looking at me.
I was appalled – with myself. I sighed. “I am sorry. I was… being an irresponsible bastard. Pregnancy was so commonplace a result of my prior life – and I never saw the children or cared – nor did the men I associated with – that I did not consider the consequences here.”
She awarded me one of those little nods women give men when they want them to believe all is forgiven, but truly they are close to tears.
“If I become pregnant,” she whispered to Gaston. “I will have the baby.”
I could not look at Gaston. I picked up the medicine chest and made my way downstairs with it heavy across my thighs and my toes feeling for each step.
I was urged to drop my burden and join in the festivities as I skirted the happy men in the atrium. I gave them a grim smile and vague assurances of returning and continued on. Gaston at last caught up with me, and took one of the handles with a smile that said he was not at all angry. Confused, I transferred my attention to the other handle and let him lead us into the stable.
Light and noise poured through the doorway into our quiet sanctuary. Bella thumped her tail and licked her lips in greeting as she nursed her pups. We stepped into the shadows of the stall and deposited our burden under our hammock.
“I am sorry,” I hissed.
Gaston’s arms were about me and his lips upon mine. I accepted his kiss.
“Stop,” he whispered when our mouths parted. “I want children.”
“Oui, I know that…”
“I did realize I might get her with child,” he said.
I frowned, a gesture wholly for my own benefit as he could not see it.
“Was that your intent?” I asked with surprise.
“Non, non,” he sighed. “Perhaps… I think perhaps I had some forlorn hope that if that one became pregnant, I would not have to marry the other one.”
“My love,” I said with bemusement. “That is a thing you should tell your matelot.”
He sighed and sat on the hammock. “Will, I did not want to admit it, even to myself. And then… We had so little time and… I realized we would not know in time, even if my seed did take. And before that… when first the opportunity presented itself, I just wanted to. I only thought of the other… when I had my cock in her.” He sighed heavily.
I laughed quietly and embraced him. “My love, that is when many men think of it.”
“Oui, but Will… I only thought of it then because I remembered thinking the same with Gabriella, and how… the babe would not live if the mother died, which my sister surely would before she could carry a child. The consumption had torn her lungs to pieces and…”
My humor fled and I held him tightly. “You wanted a baby even then?” I murmured.
He nodded against my chest. “It was one of my regrets about becoming a monk. Yet, I knew I should not. I knew they would be mad. I knew I was too mad to marry. Yet, I thought of it even then.”
I tried not to envision his thinking such tragic thoughts on that awful night. I listened to the men in the atrium: happy in their togetherness; happy in the birth of Striker’s son. “I wish I could share in your great need of them,” I said softly.
“I am grateful you do not,” he said, and I could hear some amusement in his voice. “If you did, we would never have met. You would have found some woman suitable enough to make children with, and you would have stayed with her and them.”
I shook my head. “I have known a number of men who were enamored of children though they favored men…”
He pulled away a little and shook his head. “I am not speaking of that. It is not a matter of what you favor; it is a matter of you favoring children. You do not, so you did not seek to add them to your life. If you had, you never would have made it here.”
“Ah,” I said stupidly. “And does it bother you that I do not favor them so very much now? Though, I must admit, I am touched by Jamaica. Still, I think I will feel more for her when I can converse with the child…”
His fingers were on my lips. “I am grateful that you place me above all else,” he said seriously.
“Ah, as I will ever be inclined to do your bidding.”
“Just so,” he said and pulled my mouth to his.
“So…” I said with a grin. “Will you continue to fuck her when we return until she becomes pregnant, and then marry her?”
He sighed. “I had not thought that far into the future. I did… just now… tell her that if she does become pregnant I will marry her.”
I could feel him regarding me in the darkness.
“Good,” I said. “I feel I will much prefer her to any your father might send. She was our first choice, anyway.”
I felt him sigh with relief.
“My love,” I chided. “You can speak to me of…”
“I did not wish to burden you further,” he said quickly.
“We cannot always be worrying about that,” I said. “We are both such… hardy, yet fragile creatures… that will ever be a concern, yet if one of us carries something alone that he should not, that… that could lead to disaster.”
He took a deep and long breath before whispering. “I need to leave this place, Will. Soon.”
“I know,” I said softly. “If ever you feel you cannot remain a moment longer, tell me, and we will go at once and sort the rest through after we are calm. And they can sit and wait, or leave us behind, or whatever they wish to do until we are ready to return, even though it might take months.”
“We cannot do that,” he said.
“Oh, oui, but we can,” I said sternly. “Damn them all. I do place you above all else.”
“I am loved,” he said.
“You are loved,” I affirmed.
“I will never place any above you,” he said and kissed my cheek.
I considered that: as in light of all else we had said, it did not sit well with me.
“Perhaps you should,” I whispered. “Perhaps… If we are to approach this matter of children with the diligence they deserve, with the loyalty and love we never received, then perhaps one of us should place them above all else. And that disturbs me greatly – as I do wish to be loved by you above all else – yet… I cannot see bringing them into the world to satisfy your need for them without doing as we have discussed, and giving them everything we lacked.”
His breath was ragged, and his arms closed about me until I could barely breathe. “Will, I so love you,” he whispered in my ear.
I smiled. “I have great faith that your heart is so big I will never feel any lack, no matter how many children we have.”
He gave a short huff of amusement, and then we were startled by a knock on the doorframe.
“Hey, you two fucking already?” Striker asked with a drunken slur. “Get out here and drink. Or at least get your damn father to bed. He’s drooling on the table.”
“We are coming!” I yelled, as much with amusement as annoyance.
“Well, hurry up and finish!” he called, and left us, muttering, “Can’t leave you daft buggers alone for two minutes…”
Gaston released me and pushed himself to his feet. “I suppose we should get my father,” he said with amusement.
I chuckled. “And then we should return here and fuck.”
He bowled me back onto the hammock and kissed me with great promise. “Oui,” he hissed as he stood again.
Though my cock thought his father could wait, I followed my man out of the stable and into the light. The Marquis was not drooling on the table, yet; though he did appear quite tired. But at our appearance, he found new life and cheered our approach heartily. We took a chair from the dining room, and stuffed it in between the Marquis�
� and Cudro’s, and Gaston sat at the front and I straddled it behind him. My cock at least found some amusement in being pressed between us, but I knew it would soon begin to ache with dissatisfaction unless I drank it away; and I was possessed of the sure knowledge that, despite our fond wishes, we would not be departing to meet its needs any time soon.
We drank more than we should, and laughed hard and grinned like fools, until at last even the most boisterous among us began to grow quiet and the lamps guttered from a late-night breeze. Now the Marquis was leaning on us and barely awake. Striker sat between Pete’s legs, with his own upon the table and a satisfied smile not even the Devil could dispel upon his face. The rest of our number, save Dupree, Rucker, Alonso, and Liam, were likewise draped on one another or entangled in some fashion. I felt sorry for the four lonely men; but it was a sentiment quickly dissipated when I saw Alonso glancing my way with longing: like a cold wind blowing away a warm fog of happiness.
I stirred, and roused Gaston from his torpor. Thankfully he needed little urging to rise, and we hauled his father to his feet with us. Dupree was sleeping in a puddle of his own drool, and we left the poor man there: the Marquis was enough to handle in our condition and his. We put him between us and maneuvered him up the stairs and into his room to deposit him on the bed. He was unconscious before the down of the mattress had finished sinking beneath his weight. We removed his sword belt and shoes, and draped netting about him. Gaston leaned on one of the bed posts and looked as if he were considering how easy it would be to crawl into bed with his father rather than making his way to our hammock. I took his hand and dragged him to the door.
“We have much to do tomorrow,” Gaston said as we made our way down the stairs.
I could not remember what he spoke of, but I knew enough to know I did not want to think about it. I shushed him and led him to bed. I felt eyes upon us as we rounded the table, but I did not glance back. I was going to have to kill Alonso. I hoped it would not be on the morrow. I doubted it was one of the tasks of which Gaston spoke.
At last we cuddled chastely in our hammock. I faced the door and held a pistol loosely cradled in my hand. I drifted away yearning for our days on the Point, where we had forgotten why we needed to sleep with weapons.
I woke with an aching head from a disconcerting dream, in which I stood at the edge of a battlefield outside of some Spanish town, naked, without weapons, and all were laughing at me. Upon opening my eyes, I felt I was late for some event, but I knew not what.
Gaston slept like one dead; or rather, like he often did when suffering a bout. He did not respond to my gentle prodding or whispering his name. I let him be, and went in search of water. Samuel had prepared corn cakes and turtle soup for dinner the night before, which no one I knew of had eaten, and now he had warmed the lot of it and presented it as breakfast. I took a bowl, plate, and bottle of water to the stable and waved them under Gaston’s nose. There was still no response; so I ate half the soup, drank half the water, and left the rest where he could see it and the dogs could not reach it, upon one of the chests.
By then I had developed a list of things I must do. Of foremost importance was speaking with the Marquis; but as the man would not be rising early this morn, that task would be accomplished later in the day. This was perhaps good, as it would give me time to compose my thoughts, which all involved explaining why Gaston could not marry Christine and should marry Agnes, before the Marquis sailed. Then there was Theodore, who must be told about last night’s arrangements, and of course Vivian would expect us to visit. Though Gaston could not accompany me at this time, I thought it best to see to that bit of business now, as I doubted anyone at the Theodores’ was sleeping off a drinking binge. Gaston could visit Jamaica later.
I donned my arms and stepped to the doorway, and saw the men strewn about the atrium. Alonso was awake. I was surprised, but then I remembered how very well he could hold his wine; and though he had been drinking rum last night, he had not drunk so much that he had become lost to it. He smiled at me in greeting.
I smiled back and glanced to the stall where Gaston slept like a helpless babe. I did not think Alonso was such a fool. I did feel we must begin to think of such things, though, and make the necessary preparations.
I crossed the atrium and climbed the stairs and knocked on Agnes’ door. It took several minutes before she responded groggily. I announced myself, and she told me to enter.
With a chuckle, I stepped into her room and found her curled in the bed clothes regarding me with sleepy eyes.
“Is something the matter?” she asked.
“I must leave the house and I need…” I sighed. “I need someone to watch over Gaston. He is still sleeping. We drank last night. Everyone drank last night.”
“Is he ill?” she asked and sat up with a concerned frown.
“Nay, not… he is just deeply asleep, such that…” I stepped to the door and peered out. Alonso was still sitting where he had been, sipping wine. “He cannot guard himself in his current condition.”
“But…” she said.
“The men we would have guard him are unconscious with drink… save Alonso,” I sighed.
She frowned cutely, and then understanding slowly dawned upon her. “I cannot protect him.”
“I feel your presence in the stable should be more than sufficient,” I said. “And you can wake him if something untoward does occur.” Though, I questioned my belief in that.
She nodded and climbed from her bed. “I suppose I should dress.”
“Sam has food,” I said.
Her stomach grumbled and I chuckled. “I will fetch you a plate,” I said. “Come down as you can.”
“Might I sketch him?” she asked as I walked out the door.
“As much as you wish. In his current state, you might be able to pose him somewhat.”
“Is he naked?” she asked hopefully.
He was not, but I grinned. “I will see to it.” Then I paused and turned back to her. “But do not think other activities…”
She shook her head emphatically, with a chiding frown that I should even think such a thing.
Alonso regarded me curiously as I crossed the atrium. I considered making some excuse for Agnes’ imminent arrival, but decided against it. Perhaps it would be better he knew I did not trust him. Or, he might not realize Gaston was asleep when I summoned a young lady to our room; and that should leave his morning filled with mystery.
The idea made me chuckle as I pulled off Gaston’s tunic and breeches. Even this did not rouse him. If his breathing had not been so very steady, and likewise the beating of his heart, I might have been alarmed.
Agnes arrived, wearing a gown, but every bit as disheveled as she had appeared when exiting her bed. “Is that man out there this Alonso?” she asked.
“Aye,” I said.
“He is handsome enough, I suppose.” She frowned. “What will he think?”
“I do not know, and do not care. If he comes over here, glare at him until he leaves.”
She reached in the side of her skirt and pulled her pistol out.
I chuckled anew. “Gods, I hope it will not come to that.”
Agnes snorted as she sank down to sit with Bella and the pups.
I went to the cookhouse and fetched another bowl and plate for Agnes, and a large bone from the meat box for Bella. My appearance at the stable with these items was greeted with delight. I left them.
Alonso was standing now, somewhat in my path as I crossed to the front door. He regarded me with bemusement and crossed arms.
“Where are you off to?” he asked in Castilian.
“To visit my wife and tell the Theodores of our plans,” I said with a shrug.
“To visit your wife, eh? And you leave your man with so small a consolation…”
I snorted. “That small consolation has a pistol, and she does not favor men. I have told her you are nothing but trouble, and should be shot if she feels the need.”
Now he
was truly perplexed. I laughed as I continued to the door.
He rushed to catch up with me. “Will! You truly do not trust me?” He was angry now.
I met his gaze without challenge and stated fact. “I do not.”
“What have I done? To you?” he demanded.
“Expressed thoughtless stubbornness about a thing of great import, namely my feelings for that man.”
He shook his head with evident frustration and stepped in close to meet my gaze with great earnestness. “I swear, on my mother’s honor, on the Lord’s cross, I will never do anything to harm your man. Nothing. Nor will I allow another to harm him. I will be his staunchest protector.”
I actually believed him. “Why?”
He sighed. “Because I know you, and cleaving only to one lover is not in your nature.”
“Then why would you want me back?” I asked, truly incredulous.
He shrugged, but his words were impassioned. “Because it is not in my nature, either. Because I enjoyed what we had before. We shared women and men. I loved hearing of your conquests, and having someone to tell of mine.”
“Gods, Alonso! I cannot go back to that life. I would not, even if I could. Even if he were gone, I now know another manner of living, and I do not want that life anymore.”
He threw up his hands. “There is no reasoning with you!”
“No, there is not. So stop. Go away. It is done between us. Find someone else. Return to Florence or some other city in Christendom where there are hundreds of libertines who lived as we did.”
He shook his head. “No, I want you.”
I considered shooting him, or drawing my blade: my hand was tight upon the hilt and had been throughout our conversation. But, in that moment, I realized I could not kill someone for loving me, no matter how misguided the love. It seemed wrong.
“If you wish to spend the rest of your days in unrequited love for me, then so be it,” I sighed. “That is your choice. Either you will turn yourself from it in time, or you will not. I cannot help you.”
“We shall see,” he said, with the jaunty grin I had once adored.
Treasure Page 52