Eden pulled me closer and kissed the top of my head. She was only a few years older than me, but she felt warm and safe. What I imagined Mama would feel like. “It’s okay, V. I’m here now. You didn’t do anything wrong.”
“The hell she didn’t,” Daddy growled like a mad dog. He reminded me of the old mutt Agnes used to have. Eden said he got sick with rabies and had to go live on a farm. Maybe Daddy should go live on that farm, too. Get the mad out of him.
“Go grab the broom, Violet. William, go back to bed.” There was no love in her voice when she spoke to him. She didn’t even call him Daddy anymore. Sometimes that made him angrier. Sometimes it made him laugh in that way that made us feel unimportant. Other times he just did what Eden said like she was the real boss of this house.
Today was not one of those times, though. Today it looked like he wanted to be the boss.
“Whatsa matter, girl? Too proud to call me Daddy? Even that one does.” He pointed his thumb my way, wearing that hateful expression he always put on around me. “She’s got loyalty even if I don’t want it. Oughta give her that much. Or maybe she’s just stupid. Don’t know better.” He laughed through a cold smile. I didn’t know if what he was saying was good or bad. He never had anything nice to say about me, so I had to believe he was just talking nonsense as usual.
I cowered behind Eden as he swayed back and forth, walking closer to us. When I could smell his breath again, he shoved a finger into Eden’s chest. “Not like your stubborn ass. You ain’t got no Mama because of her and yet you still defend her.”
“Enough,” Eden whispered, her voice was wobbly this time like she was trying to be braver than she really was.
“You don’t get to tell me when enough’s enough!” Daddy charged, his hands hungry to inflict pain on one of us. He was pretty mad at Eden so I imagined they’d land on her, but as usual, they found me instead. It was always me he wanted to hurt. “She’s gone because of you!”
“Ouch!” I cried when he yanked my braid and pulled. Hard. “You’re hurting me. Please, Daddy. Stop!” I wanted to be strong like Eden, but the back of my neck burned and pinched as he tugged and the tears started to fall before I could beg them not to.
Eden tried to wrestle with him, but his fingers only wrapped tighter around my hair. “Leave her alone, you . . . animal! Just leave her alone!”
“I won’t. I won’t rest until she pays for what she’s done!” This was usually when Daddy cried, too. Whenever he talked about Mama, the meanness disappeared and sadness took its place. It was also when he got tired and floppy—my chance to break away from his grasp.
I pulled free and when he let go of my braid his hand fell to his side as if he were giving up. Still scared he’d grab me again, I hid behind Eden. She protected me by standing taller and screaming at Daddy with words I’d heard my whole life but hadn’t quite understood until recently. “Mama’s death was not her fault. It was an accident, God’s plan, and she’s way better off where she is rather than here with you!”
“You shut your mouth. You shut it before I shut it for you!” When Daddy was mean and sad together, Eden called his words idle threats. She told me that meant what he said was worthless, an attempt to scare us. I wanted to believe her, but it did scare me. It made me worry that he would hurt Eden, too. It made me wish I hadn’t ever been born.
I cried some more, pressing my wet face against Eden’s back. When I peeked around her body I saw Daddy sitting on the floor with his back against the cabinets, hugging his knees to his chest. With his body in the shape of a ball, he rocked back and forth, next to the broken plates on the kitchen floor.
“Come on,” Eden whispered, turning her back on Daddy and wrapping her arm around my shoulders. She led me to the back door beside the pantry, telling me everything would be okay. “He’ll peter out soon and crawl back to bed or head to the bar.”
“But what about dinner?”
“Don’t worry about that right now.” We made it to the backyard where Eden had set out a blanket to do her homework outside in the sun. She loved being outside whenever she could. I think she just wanted to be as far from Daddy as possible.
Sitting down next to a pile of Eden’s papers, I picked at a weed sprouting from a patch of grass that had lost its greenness. “Eden?”
“Yeah?”
“Why did you lie?”
She sat next to me and lifted my chin with her finger so I would look at her. “What are you talking about? I didn’t lie.”
I blinked to get rid of the tears, but I couldn’t. I wanted to be strong for Eden, but we weren’t the same. I was the weak link, like Daddy said. That would never change. “Yes, you did. You said it wasn’t my fault, but I know it is. I’m old enough now. I understand. Mama died the day I was born. It’s my fault Daddy’s so angry. He misses her and I took her away from him.”
This time I didn’t even try to blink them back. I let the tears flow mercilessly with Lennox as a witness. My shoulders shook as I sobbed, remembering just one of hundreds of instances in which I was forced to take blame for my father’s shortcomings and failures. I cried because I allowed him to make me believe I was at fault. I cried because my heart ached for a monster. I cried because I had daddy issues and had become a clichéd statistic.
“Hey. Don’t cry.” His warm breath crept up behind me, his large hands gripping my bare shoulders. My first instinct was to flinch—a reaction to similar calloused hands on younger, more innocent skin. But at the realization that Lennox wanted to comfort me, my mind quickly coaxed my body to ease.
“I’m sorry. I’m okay now.” I swiped at the embarrassing display of weakness. Turning around, I looked first into the depths of Lennox’s deep green orbs and then to Eden’s tear stained cheeks. I knew then that these two people were the only ones capable of giving me the shot I needed to get my act together and have any chance at a normal future. They were the only two people in the world who cared. I didn’t know why I deserved their empathy after all I’d done, but Eden was right—I’d be an idiot not to accept their offer. So without further thought or hesitation, I agreed. “Yes. I’ll come with you. It’s time to finally get the hell out of here.”
Lennox brought me in for a hug that should’ve felt nothing more than brotherly. Eden stood to take part in the act of affection, the three of us creating an unspoken pact.
I should have been thrilled. I should have basked in the glory of Lennox’s acceptance and my sister’s willingness to share her most prized possession with me. This wasn’t the kind of gift you took for granted. It was the sort of thing you thanked your lucky stars for, held close to your heart and promised to cherish forever.
Only, when you’d never experienced generosity and love of this magnitude, you didn’t know what to do with it and there was a chance, as with anything so delicate and beautiful, you’d destroy it as soon as you got your hands on it.
Past
IT WAS HAPPENING. HIS DREAMS—our dreams—were falling into place right before our eager eyes.
“Yes, sir. Yes. Of course.” I watched Lennox pace with the phone against his ear, that adorable line of worry creasing his forehead as he concentrated on the news from his agent.
At first, I paced along with him, never too far behind, listening in with excitement. Then, after a while, my nerves got the best of me and my pensiveness implored me to watch from the sidelines, aka our futon.
He would be drafted this season. Lennox would play for the NFL. My boyfriend was a soon-to-be football legend and our lives were about to change dramatically. That alone was enough to make my head spin, but on top of celebrating his accomplishments, I’d just graduated with my degree in public relations and was getting ready to start my career, too.
I was the happiest I’d been in years. These were good things. Amazing things. But these things immediately made me think about Violet. Like where did all of this leave her? Eventually, Lennox and I would marry and start a family. It was asking too much of him to include my sister
in the intimacy of our endeavors. Not that I thought he minded. They’d grown close since we left Tampa to take the apartment near USF. Like brother and sister. One big happy family, the kind we deserved all along. Even with my blessings in the forefront of my mind, an unexpected tug suggested it might be me who would mind if Violet tagged along forever, but I couldn’t be certain with the thrill of this moment swirling around and tangling with my emotions. Much like the three of us did a year ago, we had a lot to discuss. Together.
I shook my hands out in front of me, as if flapping them around would shake off my apprehension. Maybe I was jumping the gun. We’d done all right as a team in the last year. We could figure this out and make everyone happy. I had no doubts because there was no question I’d made lemonade out of my lemons, and the three of us were enjoying the sweetness of our hard work.
Now wasn’t the time for troublesome worry. Violet was out with new friends and Lennox and I had the place to ourselves. I wanted to spend the night congratulating my man the right way. All night long.
Lennox danced around the apartment like a cheerful elf, the phone still in his hand. I ran to him, ready to tackle him with the same uncontainable excitement. He pulled me against him, kissed the top of my head, and wrapped his arms around me. “Is this really happening, Edie? Pinch me, slap me, do something so I know I’m not dreaming.”
I laughed against the warmth of his solid chest, breathing him in, allowing him to breathe me in, savoring the happy moment. I could have stayed that way forever, especially since I’d soon be sharing my man with the football loving world, but understandably, Lennox was too excited to sit still.
He extended the phone behind my back, dialing one-handed. “Can you give me one sec, babe. I gotta call my dad and then I’m all yours.”
“Of course.” I held on another second and then reached up on my toes to plant a loud, theatrical kiss on his cheek. I felt his smile beneath my lips, his cheeks plumping with pride.
“This won’t take long. They’re still out of town. Be right back.”
He slid away into our bedroom and I rushed to the fridge to see if we had anything to toast with. Rummaging through takeout containers and hordes of sports drinks, I sighed, contemplating a quick run to the Liquor Mart a few blocks away. Lennox wouldn’t be on the phone long, though, and I didn’t want to waste a minute away from him after receiving such wonderful news. Grabbing my phone off the counter, I sent a quick text to Violet.
Me: Can you bring home a bottle of bubbly?
It took a few seconds, but she responded right away.
Violet: Won’t be back until tomorrow. What are we celebrating?
She had to be preoccupied or half-asleep because this was all we’d talked about for the last few weeks.
Me: Did you really forget?
The phone lit up with her answer. I pictured her coming to life and slapping herself on the forehead for not remembering something so obvious.
Violet: OMG! How could I? Is it Washington or Philly? Where we headed next?
Her excitement fueled mine, but her bluntness jarred me. It shouldn’t have. This was the original plan all along. Whenever we mused over what team Lennox would wind up playing for, the three of us discussed the move to wherever that team would lead us. It had become the topic of many late night chat fests and after-midnight pizza deliveries. I shouldn’t have been surprised by her straightforward question. But I was.
Ignoring the guilt that came along with my reservations, I texted her back with what she would’ve expected.
Me: Let’s go Eagles! I hope you like cheesesteaks.
Violet: LOL They’ll grow on me. This is so exciting, E! I wish I was there . . .
I knew she did, but I was happy I had this part of Lennox to myself for now. Even if it was temporary.
Me: It’s okay. We’ll celebrate together tomorrow when you get back. I’ll tell him you’re happy for him.
She was. There was no doubt about that. She was grateful for his friendship, as was I that they’d connected so well. The last year had been uncomplicated, without a single bump in the road. None of us wanted to take that for granted, and I wouldn’t be the one to rock the boat over a tiny nagging of greediness.
Violet: I’m happy for all of us. Philly here we come! Now, go be with your man. Or should I say, the next QB for the Philadelphia Eagles? XOXO
Those final words put me at ease and kept my fears at bay. They were stupid fears, hollow and futile; there was no use nourishing them with my doubt. I had nothing to worry about because everything I wanted was at my fingertips. If anyone deserved a happy ending, it was me.
WE HAD A FEW PLASTIC champagne flutes left over from last year’s New Year’s Eve shindig. I filled them with red Gatorade—Lennox’s favorite flavor—and waited for him to join me on the futon. When he finally raced into the living room like a bull let loose in a china shop, I gripped the glasses to keep from spilling red liquid all over the place.
“Whoa! Calm down, babe. I mean, what’re you so excited about, anyway. It’s just the NFL. No biggie.” I did my best to keep a straight face, but Lennox was quick to put an end to my joke.
“I’ll give you no biggie. Come here!” With swiftness and flexibility that should’ve been saved for the football field, Lennox bounded over the back side of the futon and landed on the cushion next to me.
I quickly lifted the glasses above my head and set them aside. Much like me, they wouldn’t survive Lennox’s electrified attack.
“Do you know how much I love you?” Within seconds I was beneath his deliciously muscular body, my breath catching in my throat from the weighty look in his eyes, his powerful arms caging me with no escape.
I fluttered my lids, sank my teeth into my lip, and took in the magic of the moment. “How do you find a way to make everything about loving me? I’m not complaining, but this is about you. We’re celebrating your accomplishments, baby.”
Nudging his knee between my legs, Lennox pressed his chest to mine carefully, our hearts beating in a synchronized rhythm. His lips grazed mine teasingly, his words breathy whispers that melted my soul. “Don’t you get it? It’s because of your love that I have anything to celebrate.”
Lennox was a jock, but his heart was even bigger than his impressive number of passing yards. “I love you, too.” I didn’t know how else to respond. It was clear from the bulge in his pants begging to be set free that he wasn’t looking to talk. I could tell him how proud I was of him later. Or tomorrow. Depending on how far into the silent hours of the night he spent inside of me.
“Show me.” His tongue trailed an agonizing path from the back of my ear to my collarbone. There was no use suppressing the moans that slipped from my lips as he brought my body to life.
“Oh, Lennox.”
“I’m barely touching you, baby.” I felt him grin against my skin, his teeth nipping at my shoulder where he’d pulled my shirt out of his way.
My neediness caused a rumble of laughter in his chest. But there was nothing funny about how desperate I was for him. I wanted it all off. Now. His clothes. Mine. No boundaries or restrictions between us. “Then touch me. Please touch me.” It was crazy how frenzied he could get me in no time at all. Our chemistry had always been red hot, but as we grew older and more confident in our lovemaking, my body sensed what was in store and became impatient for his attention.
With no further coaxing necessary, Lennox answered my plea. His fingers worked the button of my jeans with effortless ease and then pulled the zipper down loud and fast. I arched my hips off the cushion to aid him in stripping me. The jeans were quick but he took his time with my panties, teasing me with deft fingers at the waistline, then pulling them down to squeeze a generous chunk of my ass. The silky cotton strained against my thighs as I instinctively spread my legs. “Off. Take them off,” I begged, my mouth in the shape of a gaping, panting O.
“Patience, Eden. You know I like to take my time.”
This I knew well, and as much as I loved
the unhurried pace in which Lennox explored my body and brought it to ecstasy, I was desperate for him to fill me. Hard and fast. It was up to me to show him I wasn’t as fragile as he sometimes made me out to be.
Reaching down to where his pulsing cock teased my core, my fingers dove into his sweatpants and made a tight fist around his shaft.
“Ahhh,” he growled, his head jerking back to expose the thickness of his neck.
I pumped again, this time spreading the silky wetness along his tip with my thumb. For a bit of shock value and to prove I wasn’t taking it slow or easy tonight, I released my grip and brought my finger to my lips. When his eyes met mine, burning and voracious, I sucked my thumb into my mouth and closed my eyes, moaning.
“Holy fuck. You’re going to kill me tonight, aren’t you?”
“I’d rather die with you inside me than any other way.”
That was all it took to incite his hunger. Before I could object, I was flipped onto my stomach and what was left of my panties was thrown to the floor. In one swift motion, he thrust into me, deep, raw, unapologetic.
He took control. He fucked me senseless. He made me scream until my throat was tender with his name.
We spent hours upon hours this way. Our limbs never disentangling, our hands and mouths never fully quenched of the thirst we had for each other. When the sun emerged from the blackness of the night, we lay naked together in our bed, my head against his bare chest.
“We did it, didn’t we?” I asked, my eyes finally giving in to fatigue.
“Oh, we definitely did it. Like nine times.” He chuckled through a yawn.
Shaking my head and smiling, I told him what I really meant. “I’m talking about how far we’ve come. What we’ve achieved. How we proved everyone wrong and shot down every crappy statistic.”
“Yes, we did that too.” He pulled me closer, nuzzling his nose into my sweat-dampened hair.
“How excited are you?” The urge to jump up and curl my feet under my butt in a giddy slumber party-like move washed over me. I wanted to gossip, to cherish the blood-rushing pride I felt for him. But his arms were home and our lovemaking had my limbs in Jell-O mode. I’d settle for pillow talk.
Garden of Goodbyes Page 7