I knew he was. He wasn’t lying. I’d witnessed his screams of agony when the doctors examined him. Groans of torment through gritted teeth when I helped him bathe. The way he winced when he moved his leg the wrong way. The desperate cries in the middle of the night while he slept and relived the nightmare in his dreams.
But I also knew his pain was not solely physical. I’d been around it enough to know the symptoms. Lennox was suffering from deep depression. Of course he was; his career was over. Never again would he play the game he loved so much. His loss was equivalent to experiencing the death of a loved one. He was grieving, but I couldn’t let him lose himself in that grief.
“We’re going to talk to the therapist tomorrow. Things can’t continue like this.”
“Like what? Why are you on my case? Stop smothering me, goddamn it!”
I took a deep breath and fought back tears. “I’m smothering you because I love you. I’m not asking you to get up out of bed and join civilization. I’m trying to take care of you. You can’t let this ruin you. I won’t let that happen.” If I had a dollar for every time I made this speech . . .
“It already has.” The conversation was over after that. It always was.
When he spoke like that I chose to tune it out and walk away. I wasn’t having any of it. He was not ruined. He’d get over this. He’d be my vibrant, loving Lennox again one day. I could deal with him this way for now if I hung on to that slice of hope.
I stood from the bed and slipped out of the room. “I love you,” I whispered as I closed the door behind me. For the millionth time since the accident, I prayed my love would be enough. And for the millionth time since the accident, he didn’t say it back.
ANOTHER MONTH PASSED. ANOTHER CLUSTER of days that seemed to fly by yet dragged on endlessly. Not much changed. Lennox was still in a funk, and I was still at a loss how to help him.
I continued to dote on him, and there were even times he cracked a smile. On those rare occasions, I caught a glimpse of the Lennox I fell in love with and hung on to it for dear life. He finally emerged from his cocoon of darkness when I dangled the threat of weekly psychotherapy sessions in addition to his daily physical therapy. “I don’t need to talk to anyone, Eden. I just need to come to terms with it in my own time. I won’t let someone else tell me how to deal with this.”
I accepted his refusal of therapy—unhappily of course—but I had faith that he was coming around little by little, on his own terms, like he said. We even went back to making love, which was a huge step in the right direction. He was broken but not unfixable. I could mend him given time.
But then I started to notice something troubling.
At first, I convinced myself I was being sensitive, suspicious of nothing. Maybe my harried thoughts had gotten the best of me during such a stressful time. Still, I kept this bit of wariness in that corner of the mind that sets off warning bells and nags you with reminders every once in a while. Keep an eye on them, it said. It’s most likely nothing, but keep your guard up. So that’s what I did, even if it made me seem like a pesky bug buzzing around, hovering, waiting to land.
“Vi, did you see this?” Lennox called to my sister from the couch. It was a Sunday afternoon—usually a sensitive day in our house for obvious reasons—and for the first time in a long time Lennox wasn’t focused on a football game or a highlight reel. He was watching some reality show about a bunch of people who’d become famous for absolutely nothing but whining and fighting with each other on national television. I found it silly and annoying. Lennox and Violet, however, had found common ground. They’d taken up binge watching whatever reality drama they could get their hands on.
“Yeah. I read they’re getting married next month. She’s pregnant. I don’t even think it’s his kid.” She bounded past where I sat at the kitchen island working on my laptop, and pounced next to Lennox on the couch. Handing him a bowl of his favorite Cap’n Crunch cereal, their eyes never left the screen.
With a muffled huff and a roll of my eyes, I went back to my work, but just like that pesky bug buzzing around, hovering, waiting to land, I kept one eye on them.
That night, after Lennox went to bed and I was cleaning up the kitchen, Violet was warming herself a cup of tea and fixing a late night snack. My eyes were tired and heavy from too many hours in front of a computer and my mind was spinning with that nagging suspicion again.
“Hey, can I talk to you about Lennox?” I blurted. Never in a million years did I think I’d have to talk to her about him. It was as if they had this relationship, this bond, outside of what he and I had shared for the last seven years. I didn’t like it. I was probably overreacting. I should be happy they had each other, that they got along and cared for each other. That he was able to be himself around her and open up at a time when he was so unhappy. Under normal circumstances, maybe. But nothing was normal about our current circumstances. Lennox had distanced himself from me and from the world since the accident. Yet he seemed fine with Violet, their friendship untouched; growing stronger, in fact. I was jealous of my sister and I needed to know if I had a reason to feel that way.
Wrapping her hands around the mug, she blew on the tea, the steam floating up to swirl around her face that was beautiful even when scrubbed free of makeup. “Sure, what’s up?”
I wiped my hands on a dish rag and hung it over the sink. “How’s Lennox seem to you lately?” Beating Around the Bush 101. Call it what you would, but I had to tread lightly with Violet. If I gave her a reason to be defensive, she would be; that wouldn’t get us anywhere. I needed to get somewhere to quash this worry.
“Good. A lot better than he was. Don’t you think so?” It came out so nonchalantly, as if she knew the ins and outs of Lennox the way I did, that I had to blink back my annoyance.
“Yes, much, but . . . I don’t know . . . I feel I could be doing more to bring him back. What do you think? Has he talked to you about me at all?” God help me for coming off so intrusive, so insecure. This was not my finest moment.
Violet took a sip of her tea, wincing. The scalding temperature of the liquid must have burnt her tongue because she waved her hand in front of her mouth as she placed the mug on the counter. “What more can you do, E? And no, he doesn’t talk to me about you. We talk about those stupid shows he likes to watch to get his mind off what he’s going through. He needs distraction. I think focusing on the accident is what makes him lash out and push you away.”
She was schooling me on my own boyfriend, and while her advice was duly noted because it was good advice, it was hard to swallow that she might know what Lennox needed better than I did. I scratched my head mindlessly and let out a long sigh. “You think that’s all it is?” I asked, hoping she’d shed more light on their conversations. Watching them do their own thing while I distracted myself from stress with work was not easy. But it was those little chats with Violet, the laughter they shared over the latest Bravo program, that kept Lennox in the land of the living. I had to be grateful, even as I resented I wasn’t the one doing that for him.
Violet’s gaze penetrated me; deep chocolate eyes, hair as black as night, lips plump and smiling. She was an exotic and captivating creature, my sister. I loved her. I was proud of how far she’d come. I was happy with where we were in our lives and our relationship. She’d been a shoulder to cry on when I needed her, a voice of reason when I couldn’t think straight. So when she assured me everything was okay, I believed her. “Would you stop stressing, E. He’s coming around. Let him do it his way. You have nothing to worry about.”
Past
MY SISTER TRUSTED ME AND I lied to her. I wish I could say it was the first time, but it wasn’t. I’d been lying for a while. Lennox and I had a secret to keep, something in common, something we couldn’t share with Eden. And as wrong as it was to show loyalty to Lennox instead of my sister, I did it because I understood what he was going through.
I understood addiction.
I knew what it was like to crave a fix
of poison.
I knew what it was like to need numbness from reality.
I knew what it was like to hide my sins from my loved ones.
I knew it was wrong to help Lennox down this path, but I did it anyway because I knew what it was like to be desperate for that help.
I told myself I wouldn’t let it get out of hand, that I could keep it under control and help him maintain his habit sensibly.
But when the blind led the blind, the chances of winding up down a dark alley or a deep ditch were pretty fucking great. I told my sister she had nothing to worry about. I would choke on those words one day.
Past
THINGS WERE OFFICIALLY OUT OF hand. I should’ve gone to Eden and confessed everything as soon as it started to unravel, but I couldn’t.
We hid the secrets and lies for so long I was sure she’d never forgive me even if I came clean. And there was only one thing besides Eden’s approval I was certain I couldn’t live without—Lennox’s dependency.
Slipping him a few extra painkillers behind her back turned into buying more off the street when they ran out. He even graduated to stronger drugs to dull the pain he was convinced would never go away. He confided in me, trusted me, relied on me, and I went along with it because I understood.
Sometimes I joined him, other times I sat on the sidelines and monitored his high. I was delusional for thinking I was some kind of nurse who knew what she was doing. Blind leading the blind. But when Lennox called, I came running.
Much like the euphoria of a drug, knowing he needed me brought me to unexplainable heights. I’d never experienced this before. I was always the one in need, searching for something. Being on the opposite end of that situation made me feel in control for the first time in my life. I fed off that control and craved it in the worst way possible. I craved it enough to coax Lennox’s habit and lie to my sister. I’d probably rot in hell for this. Guess I’d worry about that when I was dead.
Even still, what Lennox asked of me now felt wrong on a whole new level. My conscience finally got the best of me, warning me to turn back before it was no longer an option. “This is a mistake, Lennox. I don’t think we should do this.”
He ignored me as he crammed random clothes into a duffel bag. His overgrown hair fell over his eyes, his wiry scruff covering his usually smooth skin. What had become of America’s hero? How did Eden not see it? Was she too preoccupied with her own shit to notice that Lennox was falling down the same slippery slope I’d been down so many times? She was usually so good at this; the first to point a finger when she sensed I was using. Did she really trust my word this much? Was it possible I held that much power these days?
I found myself desperate for her right now. She’d left yesterday for an interview at a firm in New York she was dying to work for. With football off the table for Lennox, Eden wanted to secure their future with a career of her own. She was off doing the right thing while we were here committing so many wrongs.
“We’ll be back before she knows it. Just get a bag, pack some crap, and let’s go. I can’t do this without you.” He was a man on a mission and there was no penetrating that thick skull of his. Although, he was weak enough to let me plant this stupid seed in his head and run with it.
Lennox sniffed the line of white powder off my hand and then deflated into the couch cushions. “Shit, that feels good.”
“I told you.” I smirked, emptied the vial onto the same spot Lennox had inhaled from, and lowered my nose to my hand.
We sat there, mesmerized by nothing and talking about everything. “Back home, this guy Denver . . .” I trailed off, remembering things I was better off forgetting.
“Old boyfriend?” Lennox mused when I didn’t continue. His hands were in his hair, mindlessly curling the longer ends with his fingers. I liked his new look and hated it at the same time. He’d become less Eden’s type and more mine. It represented his fall from grace and his rise to ruin.
I dragged my eyes from his handsome face, told myself he still belonged to my sister, and answered, “Old dealer turned lover.” There was no other way to put it.
“Did you sleep with all your dealers?” he asked without blinking an eye.
I wouldn’t let his derisive opinion of me ruin my buzz. “No, not that it’s any of your business.”
“Then why did you bring it up?”
“Because the shit we just sniffed is almost as good as the stuff Denver used to get me.”
That’s all I had to say. The rest was a plan concocted solely by Lennox on his search for the ultimate high.
WE GOT HIGH BEFORE WE boarded the plane. Hell, Lennox got high all the time, but the only way I was putting one foot in front of the other and committing this act of betrayal was if poison was coursing through my veins and egging me on.
“He knows we’re coming today, right? You spoke to him this morning?”
God, he was so fidgety. We’d been over it a million times, but I guess a million and one was the lucky number. “Yes, Lennox. It’s all good. We’ll meet Denver, get what we need, then crash for the night at the hotel. In the morning, we’ll wake up and head to the rental car place, then get our asses back to Philly, ASAP.”
Easy enough?
Wrong!
We met Denver at a place I frequented back in the day. A busy bar with dart boards and pool tables, but most of the “fun” happened in a back room, unknown to the public. Denver had an arrangement with the owner of the bar—not his only business arrangement in this part of town—and from the look of things, nothing much had changed since we left Florida for Philly. Being here meant the same went for me, I guess. You can put lipstick on a pig, but . . .
“You have no idea how surprised I was to hear your voice, sugar.” Denver sidled up next to me, his fingers grazing my shoulder, his warm breath inches from my ear. He leaned in and kissed the sensitive spot where my blood pulsed beneath the soft skin of my neck, and I tensed.
I couldn’t help but notice the way Lennox watched the exchange. His eyes darkened, his brows sloped, his jaw ticked. A look of longing he reserved for Eden decorated his perfect face for a split second and as quickly as it came, it went. He remained silent, waiting for me to take control, as I always did when it came to getting Lennox’s . . . meds.
My eyes locked with Lennox’s as this other man put his hands on my body, claiming me. Denver was always entitled. I’d never done anything to make him believe otherwise during our time together, and old habits persisted. I pretended it was business as usual even though his touch didn’t have the same effect it used to. This time I felt cheap, regardless of what I knew he could do for me. For us.
Without making it too obvious, I wriggled out of his arms and stood between them. Before I could open my mouth to get on with what we came for, Lennox surprised me by taking charge. “We’re only here for a short time; we have to be out of here first thing tomorrow. Do you have what Violet spoke to you about?” His nostrils flared and his stare was sharp, but the rest of his body gave him away. Twiddling fingers, twitching limbs. He was not as in control as he wanted to be. I wanted to jump in and rescue him from humiliation, but Denver beat me to it.
Roguish gray eyes darted from Lennox to me and then Denver let out a brash chuckle. “What’s the rush? Stay a while. I promise I’ll make it worth your trouble.”
Trouble was the operative word in that statement.
THE EVENING WENT ON IN a blur. Booze, reefer, coke, and who knew what else. Denver charmed Lennox the same way he’d charmed me—with poison. I fell into the enticing trap along with him and lost sense of time, reality, and morality.
This was a bender of all benders. Three lost souls overindulging and falling deeper into a hole that would eventually become too big to crawl out of. But in that moment, that hole felt like an oasis. Through hazy sight and fuzzy audibility, I could tell Lennox was the happiest he’d been since before the accident. He smiled and laughed with no inhibitions. We’d found a way to escape the plague of reality, and a
lthough there was a voice that called out every so often to bring me back, I ignored it because Lennox deserved this. I went along with it, abandoning my worries and forcing thoughts of Eden to the furthest corner of my darkened mind. We played darts and did shots, and sang along to crappy music. I danced on tabletops while Lennox and Denver ogled my sultry moves. We frequented the back room until the sun came up the next morning and when it finally did, Lennox, Denver and I wound up sharing a bed in a suite at the Hilton.
The two of them snored on either side of me, Lennox reeking of alcohol and a night’s worth of partying, Denver shirtless with his arm snaked underneath my sensationless body. As the bright morning light seeped into the hotel room, it did not find me asleep. No, I was wide awake, coming down from my high, my mind spinning with too many emotions to grasp.
Why was I doing this?
What was wrong with me?
Was I really this despicable of a human being?
The only answer I came up with was: I did it all for Lennox. The man who belonged to my sister but was rapidly creeping into my heart, burrowing within my marrow, and awakening my soul. In the stillness of that dreadful morning, I realized something profound. I wanted Lennox Dean as much as he needed me. The slippery slope we’d started on together was becoming a death-defying descent. And the worst part was that I welcomed it with open arms.
Past
I WOKE UP TO THE sound of the shower running in the bathroom and a draft on my midriff. When I opened my eyes and looked down, Denver was snorting a line off my stomach, his long hair tickling my skin. At one time, this would’ve made me frisky. Not this time.
“Morning, sugar. Or should I say, good afternoon?”
I jolted upright, taking in the surroundings, searching for a clock and pulling the blanket over my exposed skin. “What time is it?”
“Almost four,” he answered, slithering up the length of the bed and joining me at the headboard.
Garden of Goodbyes Page 11