She shrugged, waving her secret off as if it wasn’t a big deal. “It obviously never happened. Thank God.” I couldn’t tell if she was making light of it to mask her wistfulness or if she was sincerely grateful she hadn’t brought Lennox’s baby into this world—his fucked up world. Something told me it was a little of both.
My own wistfulness got the best of me and I pictured the alternative with a heavy heart. “Lennox would have made an amazing father.”
“He would have.” She touched her belly then, probably not even realizing it. “I pictured a team of boys running ragged in my house, throwing footballs and breaking things and tackling each other every chance they got. That’s the life I wanted. The life I lost when I said goodbye.”
“You didn’t choose to say goodbye, Eden, surely you knew that. We forced you. It was our fault your dreams didn’t come true, and I’ll hate myself forever for taking that away from you.”
Lying back down, this time her feet on the pillow next to me, she huffed. “Well, I’m not dead yet. There’s still a chance for all that. The outcome’ll just be a little different. A team of ballerinas perhaps?”
I laughed, despite how melancholy this whole what if game made me feel. “Will you let their Aunt Violet come play, or will I forever be off limits?” I was reaching. I knew it was too soon for talk of restitution or a future, but I needed to voice my hopes. She should know I wanted to make amends and make up for what an awful sister I’d been to her.
“I don’t know, V. There is so much to figure out. You have no idea what’s swimming around in this messed up head of mine. I’m not this perfect, organized, composed woman you’ve always imagined me to be. I have demons, too. My therapist could retire off my copay alone.”
I shouldn’t have been shocked, but I was. Eden came off as the type who could figure anything out on her own—including how to mend her broken heart. Guess looks could be deceiving. “You talk to someone?”
“Twice a week, ever since you and Lennox showed up at my door.”
“Wow, spewing all this to a stranger . . . that takes guts.”
“No, it takes vulnerability. What you’ve done all these years takes guts. You’re a strong woman, Violet. I don’t know how you survived and lived to tell about it.”
“This isn’t really living. It’s been hell. I’m convinced of that.” It was true. Death didn’t scare me. There had to be something better than this, even for someone with a scorned soul like myself.
“Maybe once he’s gone, you’ll see things differently. Maybe you could get help too.”
I thought about admitting myself to the same rehab he was going to, but that would be a catastrophe. The two of us could not remain sober if our biggest enabler was within reach. “I don’t know. This whole thing was pretty sobering. I might be okay.”
“Might’s not a guarantee. Don’t you want to know you’ll be okay?”
“I do.” I inhaled a deep breath and let that realization wash me anew.
“What’ll you do then? Once he’s gone?” It was another of those questions I hadn’t quite figured out yet.
“I don’t know, Eden. I’m honestly not sure. I guess I’ll take it one day at a time and see what happens when he comes out.”
“You’re not seriously planning to wait around for him, with William, and just . . . fall into the same pattern? That’s a recipe for disaster and you know it!”
She was right, but I was too tired, too worn out to think past five seconds from now. “Can we talk about this in the morning? My head isn’t on straight—not that it has been for a while. My priority is Lennox. Let’s get him taken care of first and then I’ll worry about me.”
Eden rose from the bed and turned off the bedside lamp. As she headed to the bathroom, she spoke over her shoulder, “It’s time you put you first, Violet. It’s long overdue. I know you haven’t been told this in a long time, but you deserve good things. You deserve to be happy. Things’ll be clearer in the morning, you’ll see. Good night.”
I hoped she was right. I could use a fresh new start. I cried myself to sleep, a mixture of happy tears and tears of sorrow. Happy because Eden had validated so many things for me tonight; she made me feel less of a monster and more the little girl she once loved and adored. Sorrow because I was still so lost. On paper, the plan seemed obvious. Send Lennox to rehab, get the hell outta Dodge, and move the fuck on. But in reality, letting go wasn’t that easy.
Present
EDEN TOLD ME THINGS WOULD be clearer in the morning. My head was, but the sky, however, was not. Rain in these parts usually came and went in quick spurts, but this morning it was raining like God forgot himself, as Agnes used to say.
We set our alarms for five a.m., washed up, and packed up. Eden put her luggage in the trunk of the rental as once Lennox was away, she would be, too. She left me in the car to check out and return the room key in the hotel lobby. As I waited, I nibbled at what was left of my fingernails in anticipation of what was to come.
I shouldn’t have been so apprehensive. This was the reason I called Eden. I needed help convincing Lennox to get help. And, as expected, all Eden did from the second she set eyes on her old love was help. I was grateful, and for the first time in a long time, relieved knowing Lennox would soon be safe. What more could I ask for?
A troublesome voice in my head answered for me. A lot. There was still so much more I wanted and needed. So much left unsaid and unsolved.
Through this short reunion with my sister, I sensed the possibility of more. I wasn’t sure if Eden felt the same, but I suspected by things she said and actions she’d taken that there was a tiny flicker of light at the end of a very long, very dark tunnel. If the tunnel had a name, it would be Forgiveness, and at this point in time I would do anything to come out at the end into a bright, welcoming light of mercy.
Along with preparing for Lennox to leave, I was sad Eden was going, too. I’d just gotten my sister back, even if only a small sample, and I wasn’t ready to let go. I wanted to make amends and finally be in a place where the two of us could coexist without animosity. It would take work and lots of time, but I was certain the bond we once shared wasn’t severed for good.
I thought about begging her to stay a while. Asking her to stick around another day or two after Lennox left so we could test the waters and make plans for the future. But I didn’t want to risk rocking a boat that was finally out of tumultuous waters. Smooth sailing was what I longed for; what I hoped we could achieve once Lennox was on his way to recovery.
“All set,” Eden exclaimed, startling me as she got back into the car. “You good?” She looked to me and turned the key in the ignition.
“Mmm hmm,” I hummed. If I tried to speak, I’d cry. My emotions were tangled in my throat and I didn’t want to lose control before we got to Lennox. I needed to remain calm for things to go right. I couldn’t risk fucking this up. I was done fucking up.
“It’ll be okay.” Eden nodded her head and pulled out of the circular carport. Removing one hand from the wheel she reached over and rubbed my knee in a calming motion.
“I’m taking your word for it, E.” I spent the rest of the ride back to the house watching cars whizz by on the freeway. A bomb could have exploded next to me and I wouldn’t have noticed, I was so lost in my thoughts. It’ll be okay. It’ll be okay. Eden said so. It has to be okay.
ONCE HOME, EDEN ASKED THAT I check for any William sightings. I understood her abhorrence toward him, so I obliged. I could already tell he wasn’t here, but to set her at ease I went in and did a room-by-room check. When I got to the bedroom Lennox and I shared, I crept the door open slightly and noticed he was still asleep in our bed. His back faced me, his body still and serene. It wasn’t often that he found peace, so I granted him this time. I wanted nothing more than to wake him and have a few last minutes alone together because I knew they might be our last. But knowing what he’d be facing today, I couldn’t bear to bother him.
Without making much noise,
I left him be and ran out to get Eden. We had little time before Denver’s looming deadline, and the plan was to have Lennox checked in at Turning Point long before Denver came collecting. I wasn’t stupid; he’d expect me to assume responsibility for Lennox’s debt. There was still so much to think about.
Once outside, I offered a hollow thumbs up, blinded by the headlights of the car.
She emerged after shutting the ignition, and then tucked her hands in the front pockets of her jeans. She didn’t move toward me or say a word. She just stood there. Lost. So uncharacteristic of Eden.
“You okay?” I asked.
“Not really.” She shook her head and frowned. “But I guess it’s time.”
For some reason the way she said that word, given the situation we were in, made me think of a song my dad liked to listen to when we were kids. Eden once explained to me that the lyrics to Turn! Turn! Turn! by the Byrds came from the Book of Ecclesiastes in the Bible. I was too young to understand any of it back then, but today it rang loud and clear. There was a time and place for everything under the sun. Today, it was time for starting new and saying goodbye. My heart felt heavy with this understanding, but I approached Eden, hooking my arm in hers with trepidation. “Come on. We can do this.”
Our locked arms, labeling us a “we,” insinuating this should be done as a team—all those things could have easily ticked Eden off, but they didn’t. She accepted my support and that brought the craziest smile to my face. She’s right. Everything will be okay.
Eden took out her phone to check the time as we walked. It was only a quarter past six so we still had time to talk Lennox through the morning and get him settled before we had to deal with Denver.
“He’s still sleeping,” I said as I lit a cigarette and placed my bag down on the sofa.
“You should wake him.”
“Me?”
“Yes, you. I don’t want to confuse him, Violet. I did enough of that last night. I don’t exactly love fucking with people’s heads, even if it is for the greater good.” She arched a brow, darting a shrewd look my way.
It was a dig, but I was sure she meant no harm. This was difficult for both of us. Our emotions were all over the place. We couldn’t be held responsible for whatever slipped from our lips in a time like this. At least that’s how I looked at it.
“Okay.” I shrugged and took a final drag of the cigarette, a cloud of smoke following in my wake as I dragged one foot after the other up the stairs. It felt like a death march. The flight of thirteen steps resembled an endless trip down a dark hallway to the electric chair.
I didn’t want to do this, even though I knew I had to. I wanted Lennox to get better but I feared that once he did, he wouldn’t need me anymore. Hell, it wasn’t a question. I knew he’d have no use for me once he got a handle on his sobriety. And that’s why I didn’t want to wake him. I didn’t want to say goodbye because I knew it would be goodbye forever.
But it had to be done. I had to be strong. I owed it to Eden. I owed it to myself. This would be the first step in getting my own act together. It was long overdue. It was never too late to start over, right?
Inching the door open, I called out for him. “Lennox?” He didn’t so much as stir at the sound of my voice. He was probably in a deep sleep. God only knew what he’d taken before he went to bed. Knowing it would be his last good time, he most likely overindulged.
I nudged the door wider with a whiney creek and took slow footsteps toward him. “Lennox?”
Still nothing. Guess he needed more than a soothing wake-up call. I’d have to jostle him. It could be the last time he lets me touch him. That thought, the impending end to us, surged me forward with tingling fingertips. I approached the bed, his back still toward me. I imagined waking him and then cradling him in my arms as we cried about regrets and dreamed about a new beginning. It would surely be a new beginning in separate directions, but in that moment together, our last, we would remember the good times and brand them into our hearts so they lasted a lifetime.
I’d always love him, scarred and broken or strong and independent. Lennox Dean, no matter present or absent, would always be a part of me. No one could take that from me. Not even Eden.
I clutched my chest, feeling the wild pounding of my heart, afraid it might shatter into infinitesimal pieces and disintegrate into my body. Made sense I should live the rest of my life heartless. My love only caused people pain. Lennox didn’t need me to drag him down any longer. He deserved to be restored. He deserved a future I could never give him.
With a vision of a vibrant, healthy Lennox, laughing and enjoying life without burdens again, I sucked in a calming breath and reached out to shake him. “Len—Lennox!” I shook harder. “Wake up! Wake up, Lennox!” I pounded on his back then, expecting him to turn around and curse me. But he didn’t. “Lennox! Wake the fuck up!” I screamed louder than I knew I could, but it was no use. He was motionless, breathless, lifeless.
“No! No, no, no!” I jumped back, unable to acknowledge my biggest fear. If I closed my eyes and squeezed real hard, maybe I’d find myself back at the hotel, this whole situation nothing but a nightmare. I breathed deeply and reopened my eyes, hoping that would be the case. When my wish proved futile, I returned to his side. I had to be with him. I had to touch him. He had to wake up. “Lennox!” I cried, violently shaking his body. He’d passed out many a time before. This was no different. I could get him to come back to me. I always did.
“Please! Please, get up!” My throat was raw from pleading as my hands clutched his shirt. I gripped his shoulders, shaking him over and over until my weakened body wilted atop his. With my ear to his chest I could swear I felt the faint beating of his heart. Or maybe it was my own galloping heartbeat overwhelming my senses. I couldn’t tell. Nothing felt real. This can’t be real.
Eden’s voice broke me from my hysterics, her questions muffled, far off and fuzzy. “What’s the matter? What happened?”
I heard what she’d asked, but I couldn’t answer. “This is all my fault,” I moaned into his chest. “It should have been me, not you. I did this. I’ll never forgive myself. I’m so fucking sorry, Lennox. I’m so fucking sorry.”
Present
I BUM-RUSHED THE BED AND everything hit me in slow motion. When realization set in, my legs buckled, nearly bringing me to my knees with a blood curdling shriek. “No! Oh, Lennox, nooooo!”
How can this happen? This isn’t happening. I am dreaming. Another nightmare, that’s it.
I steadied myself on wobbly legs, closed my eyes, and silently counted to ten. But when I reopened them, I knew this was no nightmare. This was real.
Maybe I’m not too late. Maybe there’s still time.
Thinking fast, I pushed Violet to the side, yanked Lennox onto his back and laced my fingers together to start CPR compressions. I counted and pushed and tried to keep hope alive. Nothing changed beneath my working hands so I tilted his chin toward the ceiling, pinched his nose and parted his cold, pale lips. I didn’t think twice when I brought my lips to his and exhaled into his mouth, praying his lungs puffed up with oxygen and his heart started beating again.
Nothing.
I lowered my ear to his mouth, ignoring how icy his skin was, and listened for signs of resuscitation.
Nothing.
“Come on, Lennox! Come on!” I went back to compressions, pumping harder. Sweat beaded my brow from my efforts and my own heart walloped so loudly it was audible in the silent room. “Come on! Come back!” I begged, bargaining with God with each plea. I’ll take him back. I’ll forgive him. I’ll do anything, God, please!
But God couldn’t help me now.
Violet was inconsolable, muttering indistinguishable cries with trembling hands covering her face. I tried to infuse some sense back into her by calling out to her, “Violet! You need to call for help!”
She jerked her head from side to side, ignoring my demands. She was clearly in shock, dazed and shaken by what was going on.
; So I pretended it was only the two of us—me and Lennox alone—and tried once more. “Lennox, come back. Come on, baby, come back.” Another cycle of vigorous compressions. Another long exhalation of my breath to revitalize him.
Nothing.
Nothing.
Nothing.
“Oh, Lennox . . .” I sobbed, punching his unresponsive chest once more and then collapsing against it, depleted. I knew I was supposed to continue until someone more qualified stepped in, but my emotions got the best of me and I held him then, wrapping my arms around his stiffening body, remembering how this used to feel like the safest place in the world. I was sad and angry and just so . . .”Why did you do this? Why? We were so close! Why?”
A painful, lung-crippling, gut-squeezing wail escaped me and I let loose. Tears and moans accompanied the flood of memories that flashed before me.
A handsome boy kissing me for the first time on the football field.
Slow dancing at Homecoming.
Making love under the stars while we listened to his favorite country station.
Laughing as we packed boxes and prepared to start our lives together.
Watching him so full of life and ambition as he threw a pass for the Eagles.
A pregnancy test that turned up negative but gave me hope to try again.
There were no more agains. There never would be. It was all over now. He was gone.
“How could you do this to me? How could you leave me like this, Lennox? How . . . could . . . you?” My words broke off in hiccupped spurts. I couldn’t separate myself from him. I needed to hold him. I needed to feel him one last time, to make up for all the years I longed to be with him again but was too angry to admit it. “I never tried. I should have tried. I should have stayed. You’d still be with me, baby. You’d still be here. I could . . . have . . . saved you.”
An unexpected force pulled me to my feet, strong but small hands dragging me from Lennox’s side. “Get the fuck off him!”
Garden of Goodbyes Page 20