by Jimmy Barnes
I wanted to get away from the city. I needed to get off the merry-go-round, so that when I wasn’t working I could clean up my act. Jane had no idea how bad my habits were getting. This of course only fuelled my already ridiculous feelings of shame and guilt. I started making more and more mistakes when I was away on tour, getting totally mindless and then waking up to find a trail of destruction in my wake. I would get up and empty my room of anyone who happened to be there and then sit and try to remember what I had done. Unfortunately, my memory was pretty good. It all always came back to me. I couldn’t run from it. Everything was right there for me to see. So I started drinking earlier so I would stop thinking about it, and then I would need to take more drugs to keep me upright. Then I would go too far and repeat my mistakes from the night before. It was a vicious circle.
I needed to get home to Jane, where I had to behave responsibly, before I lost all that I had, including my Jane. She must never know what was going on on the road. Without even planning it I created another problem. I was only in control when Jane was there. When she wasn’t there, I was out of control. This placed all responsibility for my own behaviour on Jane’s shoulders. She didn’t even know this was happening. It was fucked. I was fucked. We were fucked. Everything was fucked.
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
we’ve got a lot of very sick people in here
CHILDBIRTH, 1982
WE WERE SO HAPPY to be having a baby and made plans to build a better life. In July 1982, about eight weeks from Jane’s due date, I wanted to take us on a little holiday. Somewhere warm and sunny.
‘Why don’t we go to Thailand?’ was my bright idea.
‘They won’t let me fly with only eight weeks to go. And if anything went wrong we wouldn’t be near our doctor.’ Jane was always the voice of reason. I hadn’t thought of that, of course.
‘Why don’t we just drive up the coast then? It’ll be nice and slow and safe.’
Jane wasn’t sure about it. ‘How far do you want to drive? I don’t know. I’m not sure it’s a good idea, Jimmy.’
‘Come on. It’ll be fun. I’ll sing to you and make billy tea. We can take our time and drive as far as is good for you. Come on. I’ll make up cassettes with great music to listen to. You’ll love it.’
I was getting excited. Jane loved my mix cassettes. Well, not really. I liked rock music and Jane liked nice music. James Taylor, Carole King and of course the Carpenters. I would have to make a cassette with them all on it for her or I’d drive her nuts with hard rock.
‘Well, all right. If you really want to we can do it.’
We set off for our short drive and after three days we reached Rockhampton. I can see now how tough a drive that must have been for Jane, but at the time I thought it was nothing. The band drove overnight, thousands of miles, all the time. Maybe that’s why I wanted to do it. Because that’s what we did.
I talked Jane into going straight onto a boat, out to stay at Great Keppel Island. Not the best destination on the Barrier Reef but I didn’t know any others. We arrived and I couldn’t wait to get out to the beach. ‘Come on, baby. I’ll set you up in the sand. It’ll be so great. You’ll love it.’
Jane wasn’t too happy but she agreed. I can see now she only wanted to make me happy. ‘All right, but not for too long. I’m very tired. That drive was so long and I feel a bit funny.’
‘Yeah, I know. It was a bit far. I’m sorry, baby. But we’re here now. Let’s just take it easy and relax.’
So out to the beach we went. I had towels and an umbrella and water and it was going to be fantastic. As soon as we sat down, I dug a big hole in the sand.
‘Here you go, baby. Just lie down with your stomach in the hole and you can sunbake. I saw this on television. You’ll love it.’
Jane grudgingly went along with me. No sooner had she lain down than she looked at me and said, ‘I think you’d better help me up. Something is happening.’
She had to be kidding me. ‘Come on, baby, just give it a go. You’ll be fine.’
Jane looked at me. I could tell she wasn’t happy. ‘Jimmy,’ she said firmly. ‘My waters have broken. Get me a doctor. Now.’
‘What, are you serious? You’re kidding, aren’t you?’
‘No, I’m not kidding. I need a doctor!’
I helped Jane up and ran to find a doctor. We were told that Jane’s waters had broken, just as she had said, and that we had to get off the island as quickly as possible. The island was not equipped to deal with a birth, never mind a premature birth.
There were two ways off the island. By plane or by boat. Both were a worry but we had to go. No plane was available so it was decided we would get to shore on the last boat leaving the island.
It was rough and bumpy and Jane held her stomach the whole way. I sat panicking, all the while thinking, ‘This is my fault. What an idiot. Who drives a pregnant woman for three days to an island?’
But it was too late. We had to hope for the best. We made it, jumped into a car and drove to the Rockhampton Base Hospital. The whole way Jane kept saying, ‘I’m not staying here. I don’t want to have the baby in Rockhampton.’
She had nothing against Rockhampton but it was miles from our friends and family. Jane knew that in a week Cold Chisel would be touring again and if she gave birth now she would be in Rockhampton by herself.
On the way to the hospital I suddenly became very hungry. I think it was the stress. ‘I’m starving. Do you think that you can hold on long enough for me to grab something to eat? I’ll eat anything.’ I don’t know why I was suddenly hungry but Jane was fine.
‘Relax, Jimmy, we have plenty of time. Why don’t you stop and get something?’
I pulled the car into a Kentucky Fried Chicken place, bought a bucket of chicken and sped on down the highway. ‘I got a bucket in case you were hungry too,’ I said to Jane.
‘I’m not hungry but thanks for thinking of me.’
I had to own up. I had an ulterior motive. ‘I didn’t really think you would be. But I could be at that hospital for a few days, so I thought I’d stock up.’
Jane laughed as we pulled into the hospital carpark. She had thought I was an idiot before that day, but this proved it.
The hospital confirmed our worst fears. The baby was on the way. ‘It might not be today but it will be very soon.’ They advised Jane to settle in for a long stay in Central Queensland.
‘I’m not staying here. Get me home to Sydney or I’ll find a way of getting there myself,’ Jane told me in no uncertain terms. I had to find a way to get her home. ‘You’re going to be on tour and I’ll be stuck here for six weeks. Just me and the baby. I want to be near my family.’
The doctors advised against it, telling me, ‘Look, the best thing to do is to stay right here. We’ll be able to watch the baby and it will be fine. But if you leave we can’t promise anything.’
I was in a spin. I wanted Jane near her sisters and nearer to me.
One of the nurses took me aside. ‘Look, Mr Barnes –’
‘Call me Jimmy.’
‘Sorry, Jimmy. We’re not so sure that the baby will come straightaway. You might have time to get to Sydney. The only problem is the airlines won’t let you fly once this whole process has started.’
‘Well, what if they don’t know it’s started?’ I suggested. ‘Could I hire a nurse or two to travel with us, in civilian clothes of course, just in case anything happens?’
The nurses were not against this, I could tell. I think they wanted to be in Sydney too. ‘Well, you’ll need a nurse and a midwife. We could carry a few things. Space blankets and so on, in case the baby arrives midflight.’
I agreed before they had a chance to think twice about it. ‘Right then, that’s what we’ll do. You guys find a midwife and one of you will travel with us.’
It was decided. Jane was happy to take the chance. ‘I can tell the baby isn’t going to come. It’s my body, I can feel it.’ I was scared but had to trust Jane. She was calm and
knew what to do. ‘Don’t worry my love, everything will be all right.’
We left the hospital. I had made bookings for Jane, myself, a nurse and a midwife to travel on the next flight to Sydney. It was a stressful flight. With every bump and dip of the plane, I could feel the blood draining from my face. Jane was cool as a cucumber.
We arrived in Sydney and headed straight to the hospital where Jane was booked in. At eight o’clock that night Jane was in bed, but she wasn’t happy. ‘Excuse me nurse, I would like a private room. That’s what I was told I would have here.’
The nurse was rude. ‘This is all we have. You’re lucky to get a room at all.’
Jane was getting rubbed the wrong way. She didn’t like rude people. ‘Well if I’m staying here, I want a room. This isn’t even a proper room.’
Jane was sitting up in bed in an old balcony that looked like it had been enclosed in the fifties. It was cold and not very nice at all.
I took the nurse aside. ‘Can I speak to you, please? My wife is going to be in here a long time and it would be better if she had her own room.’
The nurse couldn’t care less. ‘Look, we’ve got a lot of very sick people in here. Just because you’re a rock star doesn’t mean you get any special treatment.’
‘I’m not a rock star, I’m a singer and I’m not asking for special treatment. I’d like a comfortable room for my wife. That’s all.’ I tried to be firm.
‘Well, just toughen up. This is the best we can do. You’d better settle her down and then go home.’
I hadn’t planned on leaving. I was going to stay by Jane’s side as long as she needed me. But the cranky old nurse made it clear she wanted me out. And soon.
I told Jane about my progress, or lack of progress. She flipped. ‘I’m not staying in here with these old spinsters without you. I am going home!’
I pleaded with Jane to let me try one more time. I grabbed the nurse, who by this time was scowling at me for wasting her time. ‘I don’t think my wife will stay here if you don’t get her a room where I can stay with her.’
‘Well, it’s up to you two, but if she leaves now the baby will die.’
My jaw dropped.
‘That’s right. You two spoilt brats. Get her to stay here or you’ll kill your baby.’
I ran back to Jane, who by this time was dressed and packed and heading to the door. I pleaded, ‘Don’t go. We’ll kill the baby.’
‘Who told you that rubbish?’
‘The nurse told me that if you move we’ll kill our child.’
Jane was furious. She had already rung the midwife who travelled from Rockhampton with us, who told her she knew a doctor at Royal North Shore Hospital. She would be waiting outside to take us straight to the maternity ward there. Jane stopped at the nurse’s station as she was storming out to give them one last serve. ‘You are nasty and mean and I would not have my baby born here with people like you if you paid me.’ She walked out the door with me running behind her, picking up bits and pieces she was dropping from her bag.
‘Goodnight,’ I said as I left.
‘Goodnight, Mr Barnes.’
‘It’s Jimmy.’
And we were gone. We didn’t go straight to Royal North Shore. We went home until everything was confirmed. Jane was not going to another hospital until she knew everything was organised. Finally, after a few hours, we went to Royal North Shore where we were greeted by friendly, caring nursing staff. Things were much better.
‘Maybe you should go home for a while and pack me a bag. I’m all good here. Have a shower and then come back. There’s no rush.’
Jane was so much calmer. I quickly smelled myself. Did I stink? Jane just smiled at me. I did stink. Oh my God. So I headed home to have a shower and get a few things I thought she might need.
I arrived back and Jane was resting comfortably in her own private room, with a view out across the trees to the highway. I snuck in, trying not to wake her, but she was still wide awake.
‘I wasn’t sure what you needed so I grabbed things that I thought I would need if I was in here. I hope that’s okay.’
Jane smiled at me. I placed the bag next to her bed, and we waited for the doctors to let us know what was happening.
‘I’m afraid we will have to take the baby out, as it is stressed. The baby will be a little early but everything will be fine. We will induce it and it will be over in a few hours.’ The doctor was calm and self-assured, so we were calm too. Well, Jane was calm. I hadn’t slept for days. What with driving up to Queensland and flying back and fighting with the other hospital and then finally getting Jane home and then back out to Royal North Shore.
I sat down and my eyes began to close. Suddenly the doors opened. They were ready for Jane. I was panicking again. What if anything went wrong? I was up and following her as she was wheeled up the corridor towards the delivery suites.
Jane had decided long before that she was going to have the baby naturally. No drugs.
‘I’ll have her drugs,’ I joked with the nurses as we walked.
They all laughed but I was serious. I needed something to calm me down. In the suite the contractions became more frequent and more painful. Jane was screaming, ‘Give me some fucking drugs now.’ Her voice sounded like the kid in The Exorcist movie. ‘Get me an epidural now or I will die.’ I was expecting her head to turn one hundred and eighty degrees but it didn’t. She didn’t even see me standing near her.
‘Stay calm, Mrs Barnes, the doctor is on his way. We will organise an epidural for you and you will feel no pain,’ one of the nurses said.
‘Get her something quick. Do something,’ I urged, holding her hand and stroking her face, trying to calm her down.
One of the nurses was looking at the monitor that measured the baby’s heartbeat. ‘The baby’s heart rate is dropping, we should watch it closely,’ she said quietly to the other nurse, thinking no one else was listening. But I could hear her.
‘What do you mean the heart rate is dropping? Do something. What’s happening here? Get a doctor in here right now.’ I was completely hysterical by this point.
The doctor arrived and immediately said, ‘Right. Calm down, Mr Barnes.’
‘It’s Jimmy.’
‘Right. Calm down, Jimmy. This is a normal reaction. Nothing to worry about. I think it would be better if you went outside and got yourself a cup of coffee and took a break. We have everything under control.’
Then the calm voice and gentle hand of a nurse guided me out the door and pointed to the waiting room. ‘Just take a small break and then come back in. Everything is fine.’
I sighed. ‘Yeah, I’m just getting worked up because I’m exhausted. I’ll make myself a coffee and sit down for a minute.’
I walked into the family waiting room, where I found another stressed-out father, making coffee and talking to himself.
‘How are you going?’ I asked to break the ice and let him know I was in the room and could hear him talking to himself.
‘I’m fine. All good now.’ He breathed in deeply.
‘What happened to you? You look even more stressed than me.’
He went on to tell me a quick story. ‘I was standing in the delivery suite holding my wife’s hand when I noticed that the baby’s heart rate was going up and down. All over the place.’
My ears pricked up. Was I hearing this guy right? It sounded exactly like what was happening in our suite.
‘Anyway, luckily I’m a trained nurse and I knew this wasn’t normal. The doctors took some quick action or we would’ve lost the baby.’
Smash! Before he could finish the sentence, my coffee cup had dropped to the ground and I was running back down the corridor and into the room. I burst in yelling, but everyone was calm and quiet. I quickly explained what I had just heard.
The doctor took me by the hand and led me out of the room and explained that the circumstances were different and that if I didn’t slow down I would have a heart attack.
Mahalia
, our first baby, was born a few hours later, without any real complications. She was a little premature but everything was perfect. Even as a child we called Mahalia ‘the boss of everything’, as she was constantly organising everything around her. She’s grown up to be one of the most organised people I know, and I have her as my tour manager. When she had her first child, Ruby, we called her ‘the new boss of everything’.
Jane was brought back to her room and the nurse helped her unpack her bag. The one I had packed.
‘Not a lot in here really, Mrs Barnes. Very sorry. No pyjamas or toiletries. There is a cassette player and a pile of cassettes. And a leather jacket in case you need one. Did Mr Barnes pack this bag for you?’
Jane was used to my packing and she just laughed to herself. I walked into the room in time to catch the end of the conversation.
‘It’s Jimmy,’ I said under my breath. ‘And yes, I did pack it.’
And I collapsed into a chair.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
they’ll fucking miss me when I’m gone
LEAVING, 1982–83
AT THE RIPE OLD age of twenty-six, after being in the band for nearly ten years, I was still making next to no money, had nothing in the bank and, at the same time, was playing to the biggest crowds in the country every night of the week. It didn’t make any sense to me.
I was fighting more and more with the guys in the band. I wasn’t sure if I could ever leave them, although I was beginning to feel I might have to. Eventually the time came to face up to the truth. I was going to have to leave.
Leaving Cold Chisel was like leaving my brothers and sisters behind. I felt like I was deserting them. Surely they couldn’t live without me? More importantly, surely I couldn’t live without them. I’d spent years letting the band know, in no uncertain terms: ‘I’m fucking sick of you guys and the sooner I’m out of here the fucking better.’ I would slam the door behind me telling myself that I was never coming back. Only to be crushed by a profound sense of emptiness. Even as I stormed away I would feel the fear of being alone swallowing me up. And it was always someone else’s fault. Never mine. ‘They’ll fucking miss me when I’m gone.’