by N. C. Reed
“If you don't mind I'd like to go and freshen up,” she said evenly. “Will you excuse me,” she looked to Parno.
“Of course,” he smiled gently. “Hurry back,” he added as she departed. She smiled slightly over her shoulder and disappeared into the house.
“Parno, you are going to have to start being more careful of your words,” Edema said at once.
“What? Why?” Parno looked bewildered. “What did I do?” The now part of the question was unspoken but still there.
“It should be Stephanie that 'brightens' your day, Parno,” Edema fought the urge to sigh in exasperation.
“She does,” Parno agreed. “Why should that mean that giving Dahlia some good news can't also make me happy? She's as close to me as any sister could be. Certainly more so than my own.”
“I know but that's not my point,” Edema replied. “That young woman is very taken with you, Parno, and you know it. And I believe you are with her in equal measure. Now,” she leaned forward. “Am I wrong?”
“About me?” Parno shrugged. “No. But. . . .” he stopped for a moment, his gaze wandering across the landscape around Edema's home.
“I'm not a good prospect for her, Edema,” he said finally, turning his gaze back to her. “She's a wonderful woman. Someone I could easily lose myself in, to be honest. Smart, brave, strong and strong willed, and obviously beautiful.”
“Then why is there a 'but' in this conversation?” Edema demanded. “Why are you not courting her as is proper?”
“Edema we're at war,” Parno reminded her. “A war that we're still losing. I may be able to turn that around soon, but then again I may not. And I have other enemies much closer to home, as well. I may not live out the war. Hell I may not live out the year,” he said grimly.
“Now you tell me,” he looked at the woman who was as much a mother to him as if she had raised him. “Is that any kind of future to offer her? Link her to a man with my reputation only to see her left a widow, or worse left the 'woman' of Parno McLeod? Her reputation and standing in the circles she travels in would be destroyed. That's not right, or fair.”
Edema smiled gently at Parno's words. She knew she had been right.
“Parno, don't you think she's considered all of that already?” she asked softly. “Don't you imagine that she's played over everything that can happen in her mind, waiting every day to hear word if you're alive or not? She visits me on a regular basis and her loneliness for you is no less than Dhalia's for Karls Willard. She is almost desperate for any kind of sign from you that you reciprocate her feelings, and you are completely avoiding giving her that sign. Deliberately.”
“I had at first thought that you simply weren't aware, but now I think you are aware, which means you either don't care or that you are afraid,” Edema told him. “I know that you care, dear child. You may can hide it from her, but not from me. So that means you are afraid.”
“If you fear death on a battle field, which I doubt, then that is not reason enough to withhold your affection from her, Parno. There are hundreds of thousands of men on those same battlefields, and many of them have women at home hoping and praying for their safe return. She will not be alone in that.”
“I know that,” Parno almost whispered. “I'm the reason most of them don't return, remember?” he looked up at her sharply. “Every time I issue an order, men die, Edema. No matter what I do, no matter how carefully I plan, men die. Every time. I can't stop it, I can't even diminish it, and soon I'll actually make it much worse.” He leaned his head back against the chair, looking at the roof of the porch.
“Before this is over, I will be responsible for no telling how much death and destruction. I may even be forced to kill my own brother and sister for plotting against the crown.” He looked back to her abruptly.
“Now is that the kind of man she deserves?” he demanded, though not unkindly. “Is that the kind of man that deserves her heart? I think not, Edema.”
“That is not for you to decide, Parno,” Edema shot back at once. “Her heart is her own, to give to whom she wishes. You can accept it or not, but if you turn her away because you don't believe she's made a smart decision, then you call everything she does into question. You insult her intelligence if you think she isn't fully aware of what's fallen on your shoulders. She may not like it, nor do I if I'm honest, but she's aware. She can't not be, surrounded by wounded men and soldiers training to join you in battle.”
“I'm not saying she isn't intelligent,” Parno defended himself. “She obviously is or she wouldn't be a doctor, would she? I'm just saying that I'm a miserable, poor choice for a suitor for any woman, let alone one of her quality.”
“You sell yourself short, child,” Edema shook her head, almost scolding him. “You are more than a stupid reputation, no matter how well earned it was. And there are very few, now, who speak of you with other than deep respect. Your actions at the Gap alone have seen to that.”
Parno considered that, mind working furiously. Was he being unfair to Stephanie even while trying to be as fair and thoughtful of her as possible? Edema was right in that Stephanie was intelligent enough to know what she was getting into with someone like Parno. She was quite possibly the smartest woman of her age Parno had ever known.
And perhaps his reputation was beginning to wear away. He had worked diligently to put it behind him, knowing that only good service at this point in his life would undo the damage of his childish behavior before.
He sighed, rubbing his face in a scrubbing motion with both hands. He finally looked at Edema and nodded.
“All right,” he told her. “I'll try,” he said simply. “I'm not good at that kind of thing, but I'll try my best.”
“Just be yourself, dear,” Edema beamed. “Just be yourself. That's who she loves, after all,” she almost whispered as Stephanie reappeared. Parno felt like a heel when he noted the carefully disguised redness around her eyes. Was he really that bad?
“I need to step away for a bit,” Edema told them, standing. “I have to make sure that we have enough food cooking for so many. We are roasting a beef this afternoon, which will be excellent. We've killed the fattened calf since the prodigal has come home,” she smiled.
“Ha ha,” Parno laughed half-heartedly. Edema departed, leaving the two younger people alone.
“Stephanie,” Parno said. She looked at him immediately, and he had to fight a wince at the look in her eyes.
“Yes?”
He didn't know what he'd intended to say, but the look in her eyes made him forget all about it.
“Would you like to take a walk with me?” he said instead, standing and offering her his hand.
“I'd like that very much,” she smiled despite her surprise, taking the offered hand. Parno led her off the porch, then walked side-by-side in silence for a few minutes, gathering his thoughts and thinking about what Edema had said to him. Maybe she was right?
“Stephanie, I-”
“You don't have to say anything, Parno,” Stephanie said softly, cutting him off gently. “I already know.”
“Know what?” he asked, confused.
“That you don't return my feelings for you,” she said flatly. “Edema and Dhalia had convinced me that you did, and I've made a fool of myself today over your return, and I'm sorry for that. Please forgive me.”
“They did, did they?” Parno mused. “Well, it just so happens, Doctor, that they were right,” he said it before he thought. “At least, I have feelings for you. I don't know your exact feelings for me, of course, so I can't say that I return them. I never thought of this as something you could measure,” he smiled at the ground before looking up at her, tightening his grip on her hand slightly.
“I've been unfair to you I think,” he decided to follow Edema's advice, especially since she had worked so hard to put him and Stephanie together. “I've been trying to be more than fair, in my defense. To protect you from my-”
“Parno McLeod if this is some kind of 'weake
r vessel' speech then you better stop, right there,” Stephanie warned darkly, storm clouds brewing suddenly in eyes that seconds ago were laced with sadness.
“Could I finish?” he asked, and her eyebrows rose as she nodded.
“Protect you from my somewhat tarnished reputation,” he continued. “Not to mention the fact that the odds are somewhat favorable that I won't survive the war. I have enemies on every side, Stephanie, and not all of them are from the north, either. And I can't always be watching all of them. I surround myself with capable people, but it only takes one mistake,” he shrugged.
“The last thing I would ever want in the entire kingdom would be for you to be hurt, in any way, because of me. Whether it's being left alone after I'm. . .gone, or by someone trying to get to me through you. That's what I've sought to protect you from. That is not a 'weaker vessel' argument, but a simple statement of fact. Another statement of fact is that I am almost certain that I'm in love with you,” he admitted in a near rush.
“Almost certain?” she asked, more to cover her shock than anything else.
“I've never had much experience in love, Stephanie,” he shrugged. “I've only ever loved three people, really, and all of them were like family, not. . .not romantically, if that's the proper term. Edema is like a mother to me, has treated me so much better than my own family that I would kill anyone who offended her and die defending her.”
“Dhalia is more a sister to me than Sherron could ever think of being, and someone else that I would die for without thought. And her father might as well have been my own. He raised me from the time I was out of diapers for the most part, turning down promotions and good postings to stay with me because he knew I needed him. When I said I would gladly take his place, I meant it.”
“I know you did,” she nodded slowly, her voice soft. “So does Dhalia.”
“The point is, all of that is familial in nature,” Parno told her. “I've never had. . .I have never felt for anyone the things I do for you,” he admitted with difficulty. “I'm sometimes confused by those feelings, distracted by them even.” He smiled suddenly.
“When I was in Shelby not long ago, I met a very capable woman named Evelyn McKenzie. She lives south of Shelby in a place called DeSoto, and operates an observation and listening post on her land that lies along the Great River. She came to lunch one day at Raines' invitation so I could speak to her. Because of my talk with her I've ordered that women be considered for all such posts if they are interested.”
“She must have made quite an impression,” Stephanie fought to keep her voice even.
“She did,” Parno ignored the tension in her voice. “She had a daughter, maybe two years younger than me. Pretty girl, much like her mother. Smart, hard working. She had no interest in me until she discovered who I was. After that it was almost comical to watch her maneuver, and watch her mother work to keep her away from me.”
“I'm sure,” Stephanie's voice had an acidic quality to it now.
“Thing is, when I looked at her daughter, I started comparing her to you without much thought,” he told her, smiling at her discomfiture. “In fact almost any woman I meet ends up being compared to you, and always falling short. No matter how smart, how attractive, whatever the case may be, they always fail to measure up to you.”
“What I'm trying to say is that you dominate my thinking, Stephanie. No matter where I look or what I'm doing I always seem to find something or someone who reminds me of you or makes me think of you. I've heard it said that absence makes the heart grow fonder, and I'm convinced that is very true, because I have missed you a great deal.”
“You have a funny way of showing it,” she replied, not quite testily. She wanted to believe. So much.
“No, I have a way of avoiding it,” Parno did not allow her comment to detract him. “When I'm afraid of something, I avoid it,” he admitted. “I don't know what else to do, in all honesty. And the way I feel about you scares me.”
“What?” her testiness was gone suddenly. “Why?”
“I've never had anything to lose,” he told her plainly. “My whole life I've never had anything that I cared about enough to worry over whether I lost it or not. I never had to learn how to deal with that kind of fear. Until now,” he stopped and looked her directly in the eyes.
“Now, I think I love you. No,” he corrected, “I know I love you and think I'm in love with you. Only, I don't know what to do, and I don't know what to say, and I'm ashamed of how people think of me for the first time in my life because of how it might affect you, and the last thing I want is for the poor general opinion people have for me to be transferred to you in any way,” he rambled in one long sentence.
“I tried to keep you at a distance because I don't deserve you, and you certainly deserve someone better than me.” He stopped there, not sure if he's said too little, too much, or somewhere around enough.
Stephanie looked at him in silence, looked deep into his eyes, and Parno let her, maintaining eye contact with her.
“Parno McLeod,” she said finally. “I'm a highly intelligent woman. Ask anyone who knows me and they'll verify that. I'm not bragging, just stating fact. I'm smart enough to know all of that. I know your reputation, but I also know you. My mother said that you were nothing more than high-spirited and that wasn't a bad quality in a man. My mother is also fairly smart,” a smile tugged at the corner of her mouth.
“I'm well aware that people will talk, of what they'll probably say in fact, and I don't care. I know the real you, Parno. I know the Parno that hurts for his men who fall in battle. The Parno that was willing to die alongside those same men to protect a land full of people who think poorly of you and a family that is completely undeserving of your service and devotion.”
“I know the Parno that has made a home for men and their families who might not have anything otherwise. I know the Parno who fought a duel against Soulan's most feared swordsman to defend the honor of someone he loved. I know the Parno that has won the love and devotion of a group of men who cannot be bought or bribed but must be convinced though effort that you deserve the right to command them.” Her hand came to his jaw then, caressing it gently.
“I know the Parno who has worked to make life better for his people. Even the people who would speak ill of him for no other reason than it's fashionable in certain circles. Most of all, I know the Parno that is loyal to the bone to those loyal to him and that Parno is the Parno I have come to love. The Parno that has won my devotion and loyalty as surely as you have my heart.”
Parno was somewhat overcome by her speech and without much thought he leaned in and kissed her. She responded at once as he drew her into an embrace, pouring every unspoken emotion running through him into his actions, just as she did in return.
As he kissed her, Parno realized that yes, he now had something to lose. Something too precious, too priceless to name. But in that same instant he realized something else.
He now had something to fight for. Something to live for.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
-
Colonel Frank Callens had commanded Prince Therron's personal regiment for just over four years. In that time he had become close with the Marshal, and as such was completely privy to the Prince's plans. He also heartily approved of them and had of course added his own sword to the gathering group of supporters behind Therron McLeod.
The Prince's arrest less than a month past had come as a shock to say the least. He and his men had been neatly mousetrapped by a brigade of regular cavalry on the day Prince Therron had been taken from them and held at bay until well after the Inspector General had departed with their royal charge. Callens had chafed at the attitude of men like General Davies toward the Prince's Own in the intervening weeks, and chafed more at the knowledge that Parno McLeod, Prince Therron's hapless younger brother had been appointed in his place.
He knew of Parno's victory the second day of his presence on the field, but wrote that off to good planning by Enri W
illard, the traitorous jack, and good execution by Davies. He flatly refused to consider or entertain any notion that held Parno in any way in a good light.
As a result, he and his men, now no longer a Royal Regiment but merely a well-dressed and equipped cavalry regiment, had been shuttled from one crap job to another all over the camp. Picket duty, guard posts, even herd detail for Crown's sake! The humiliation of being demoted hadn't been enough. No, now his elite men were replacing wranglers guarding the horses.
The message in his hands offered him the opportunity to change that. He read the message once more, slowly, more to ensure himself it was genuine than because he hadn't understood it the first time. He looked warily at the courier.
“Do you know what this is?” he demanded.
“Yes, Colonel,” the man nodded. “Milady also entrusted me with another delivery,” he handed over a saddle bag of fine leather and silver. “I do not know the contents of this. I was to hand it to you after you had read the message and then await elsewhere for any reply.”
“Very well,” Callens accepted the bag. “See my aide outside and he'll get you a tent and something to eat.”
“Thank you, sir,” the man bowed and left the tent. Callens waited until he was gone to open the valise.
The scent from the bag hit him at once as he recognized Sherron McLeod's perfume. Inside the bag he found another, more detailed note that was to be burned after reading, and an item of clothing that still smelled of the Princess even after two days of riding.
“Damn her,” he growled softly as he fingered the garment before reading the second message again, committing it to memory. The woman was a witch, he was sure. She taunted and teased him with promises that she never quite delivered on, yet he could not refuse her anything she asked. Had one of his own men been so besotted with a woman, even Her Ladyship, he'd have had him removed or killed as a security risk.
He knew that he should ignore both messages. Toss them both into the fire outside his tent and then arrange for the courier to vanish somewhere in the wild areas between Nasil and the battle front, never to be seen or heard from again.