“Maybe you should make them with James. You can tell him all about Cassie when she was little.”
“Maybe someday, but not today. Today, I just want to keep doing this.”
I was jealous of her. She had something to do. I had no clue what to do now.
“What do I do?” She stopped and raised an eyebrow at me. “We’re in this limbo. The funeral hasn’t happened yet and I don’t think James and I are ready to just get back to life, but we’re just sitting here. What do we do?”
“I wish I could tell you. Do something that the two of you like to do together. Something that will take your mind off all this shit.”
I walked over to her and gave her a hug, then went to the living room to see James. He was sitting there staring out the window, looking lost and bored.
“Hey, bud. Do you want to do something?”
“Like what?”
“We could start a new book series.”
He shrugged.
“Or we could watch some movies. We could make some popcorn and drink soda all afternoon. Just have a movie marathon.”
“Yeah. Let’s do that.”
Of course, the movies he chose were the Harry Potter movies. We spent all day watching them and well into the night until both of us were exhausted. Cal and Jane had gone downstairs sometime after dinner and left James and I to ourselves. When it came time for bed, I looked in the bedroom at the box, but I couldn’t bring myself to look at it yet. Instead, I walked upstairs and followed James into his bedroom where we both passed out on his bed.
✯✯✯✯✯
My parents flew in from Florida the day before the funeral and they looked about as bad as I did. Dad couldn’t figure out how to help me and Mom just kept crying, which didn’t help at all. They had both loved Cassandra when they met her and were shocked when I finally called them. I actually hadn’t thought of calling them because I was so caught up in my own thoughts.
I’d slept in James’s room the past few nights. It wasn’t like that first night, but it was comforting for both of us to be in the same room. Cassie’s mom took over arranging the funeral and the gathering after at the house. James and I told her what we wanted and she took care of everything.
James and I stayed home and worked on different projects with his grandpa. There was plenty to get lost in and it was the only way I could get through the day. James had become quiet also, and I wasn’t sure if he was taking a cue from me or if he just didn’t want to talk. James had decided that he didn’t want to speak at the funeral and I couldn’t blame him. There would be a lot of people there.
I walked into my bedroom after mostly avoiding it and went to the closet to pick out a suit to wear. Her clothes were hanging across from mine. It was as if she would be home to wear them at any moment. I ran my hands over the blouses and dresses, thinking of each outfit she’d ever worn that I could remember. When I came across the blouse she’d worn the first time I’d met her, I pulled it from the hanger and fingered the button that had come undone. It was so long ago, but I could still see her standing in her office looking absolutely stunning with no idea her blouse was gaping and showing me her breasts.
I slid down the wall and held the blouse to me, trying to remember what she smelled like that first time. Damn, she was beautiful.
“Ryan?”
I quickly wiped the tears from my face as Cassie’s mom entered the closet. She sat down next to me and grabbed my hand. My breathing faltered as I did my best to pull myself together.
“You know, not long after you married Cassie, she told me she loved you and she wished she hadn’t waited so long to be with you. She thought she had missed out on time with you. I told her that she couldn’t look at it that way. You were meant to get together when you did. That was your time. I know it doesn’t seem like it now and it doesn’t make sense, but it was her time. God took her because it was her time.”
“How was it her time?” I asked through my tears. “She has a son and husband that love her.”
“I know, Ryan. It doesn’t make sense and I’m not trying to preach to you, but I truly believe that God had some other purpose for her, and we may never know what that is. Just remember that Cassie wouldn’t want you to be sad forever. She would want you and James to move on and live full lives. It won’t happen overnight, but Cal and I will be here for you whenever you need us. If you need a break and need us to take James, we will. If you need us to come just so you can feel close to her again, we will. You won’t go through this alone.”
She stood and held her hand out to me. “Now, unless you plan on wearing that blouse, I suggest we find you a suit to wear.”
I took her hand and stood, rehanging the blouse. “That was what she was wearing the first time I met her. I’ll never forget that day. I knew she was going to change my life.”
“And you changed hers. Just remember all that you two had. You brought her so much happiness, even if it was only for a little while.” She pulled a suit off the rack and handed it to me. “Why don’t you get dressed. We have to leave soon. I’ll check on James.”
✯✯✯✯✯
We pulled up to the cemetery behind the hearse and stepped out of the limo into the sunlight. It was a perfect day aside from the fact that Cassandra was gone. She would have loved the weather. I looked over to the back of the hearse where all my friends were standing. Every single one of them wanted to help carry the casket.
This suddenly all felt too real. We were going to bury her, put her in the ground. It felt so wrong. She would be alone with no one around her. How could I do that to her? I reached out and grabbed James’s hand, squeezing for dear life. He looked just like me, tears streaming down his face and sadness in his eyes.
I squatted down next to him and looked him in the eyes. “Whatever you do, don’t let go of my hand today.”
He nodded and we walked over to the casket. The guys pulled it from the hearse and hoisted it up on their shoulders. I took my place, not really doing much of the lifting, but needing to touch her resting place. James clung firmly to my hand the whole walk and then took his place beside me at her grave.
We listened as the minister talked about her and the way she lived her life. I got lost in my thoughts of her and only knew it was my turn to speak when her mother gripped my other hand. I stepped forward and James followed, not ever letting go of my hand.
I cleared my throat and looked out at the crowd of faces. My friends and their wives were all up front. The men stood stoically and the women were all wiping their eyes. Cassie’s parents stood next to my own, just staring at the huge hole in the ground. Now that I was up here, I had no fucking clue what I was supposed to say. I had prepared something to say, but it escaped me in that moment. All I could think about was that I shouldn’t be there. I shouldn’t be holding the hand of an eleven year old and burying his mother. We should be on our family vacation right now. We should be starting our lives for the first time as a real family.
The little hand squeezing mine reminded me that I had to breathe and move forward. I looked down at James and squeezed his hand back.
“Cassandra was the most wonderful person I ever knew. While she was only in my life for a short time, she made my life whole and gave it meaning. She gave me the best gift when she married me, a wife and a son.” I looked down at James, but he was staring at the ground. “She was taken from us too early, but someone wise told me that she was taken because God had other plans for her. I have to believe that my Cassie isn’t with us because God needed her for something really special.”
The tears started up again, just like they did every time I thought about the fact that she was gone. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath and that’s when I smelled it. Her perfume was in the air. I opened my eyes thinking I would see her, but she wasn’t there. James must have smelled it too because he squeezed my hand and was looking at me curiously.
“I know she’s with us and watching over us. She may not be here anymore, but we’l
l always have her in our hearts. We’ll see you again someday, Cassie girl.”
James and I walked back to stand by his grandparents and I stood there wondering if I had said the right thing or enough. Had I said everything I needed to? The truth was, I didn’t get to say any of it to her and she was the only one that I cared to hear it. I should have told her every fucking day how special she was and while I think she knew, I would always wonder if she really knew how much she meant to me.
The service ended with people laying flowers on her grave and all I could think about was that I didn’t understand why people did that. The flowers would be covered with dirt in a matter of minutes, and she didn’t care because she wasn’t really there. Then they started lowering her casket into the ground and I lost it.
“No. Stop!” I ran over to the men working the controls and tore it from his hand. “No. I don’t want this. She doesn’t belong down there,” I yelled as tears streamed down my face.
“Ryan, stop. You have to let her go,” Cal pleaded.
“Is that what you want for her? You want her alone in the fucking ground?”
The tears glistening in his eyes didn’t stop me. I couldn’t help myself. I could see myself acting irrational, but I just couldn’t help myself. I saw Jane ushering James away and somehow that made it all worse.
“Ryan, she’s gone. You know that’s not her down there.”
“That’s my fucking wife,” I yelled. “And you’re asking me to leave her in the ground surrounded by a bunch of other forgotten people. I won’t let that happen. She deserves to be in the sunshine. She should be warm. It’s too fucking cold in the ground.”
I looked back at the casket that was now lowered all the way into the grave and fell to my knees. This couldn’t be it. I couldn’t say goodbye to her for the last time. Once that dirt was over her, it was truly over.
“Ryan, I get it.” Drew sat next to me on the ground as though it was the most natural thing to sit by someone’s grave. “I get that you feel like she’s gone when she’s in the grave, but you have to remember that that’s not her anymore. Her body was just a carrier for her spirit and that lives in you and in James. Coming here to see her isn’t going to make you feel closer to her. She’s in here.” He pressed his fist over my chest and thumped it. “She’s in James, and that little man needs you right now. You can’t keep breaking down because he needs someone to be strong for him.”
“How did you do it? How did you move on?”
He shook his head. “I didn’t. Not for a long time. I was just an empty shell walking around and pretending to live life. I spent every night waiting to feel Iris with me again. In some ways, it was the best gift ever, but I wasn’t living. I was waiting on a ghost. So when you feel like breaking down, you look for things that can make you happy, and you’re pretty lucky because you have the best reminder of Cassie right over there.”
I looked over at James who was standing by the car looking completely lost. Drew was right. I was going out of my mind and James needed me. I needed to be the father I had promised Cassie I always would be. I stood up and looked at the grave one last time. There would be no more tears, or at least, no more major breakdowns. I would do everything to make sure that Cassie’s son knew every day how much he was loved and we would talk about her to keep her alive in our hearts. I turned and walked away knowing that Drew was right. I wouldn’t find comfort in visiting her here. I didn’t have to look any further than in my heart because that’s where she would always be.
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
Ryan
BY THE TIME the party was over, I was mentally and emotionally exhausted. My house had been filled with so many people wanting to tell me stories about Cassandra and how much they meant to her. I had a feeling that this had been harder on Cole than he let on. He had been working with Cassandra over at VAS and they had become close while they worked with other veterans. Now that she was gone, I wondered who would take over the project.
The women all did an excellent job of making sure that there was enough food and drinks for the guests. Cassie’s parents and I weren’t up to doing it, so I was relieved when Harper said they would handle it. They also took care of the clean up, which I would have left until morning. I didn’t feel the need to have everything clean right now. I just wanted to go lie down and forget about it all.
Cal and Jane went downstairs before the last guests left. They were exhausted from the day and probably from needing to put on a strong front for me. I didn’t break down the rest of the day, though, which I thought was progress. James and I would be going back to our normal lives the day after tomorrow and Cal and Jane would be leaving in the morning. They offered to stay and help, but I could tell that this was wearing on them. They promised to help out whenever I needed and I was grateful, but James and I needed time to adjust.
“Are you ready for bed, bud? I’m exhausted.”
James was slumped on the couch, looking like he could fall asleep any minute. “Yeah.”
“Alright. Let’s hit the hay.”
“Dad?”
It was still amazing to hear him call me Dad even though he had ever since Cassie died.
“Yeah?”
“I think I’m good to sleep on my own tonight.”
“What if I’m not?” I said with a smile.
He laughed and started walking upstairs. “Goodnight.”
“Goodnight, bud.”
I stood in the living room not sure what to do. I looked around and decided that now was as good a time as any to go back in my bedroom. I walked in hesitantly and saw the box still sitting on my bed. Walking over to it, I took a deep breath and pulled out the few items it contained. Cassie’s wedding ring was inside along with her engagement ring that I had put on her finger not that long ago. She also had the necklace that I had given her that she wore almost every day. Then there were the diamond studs her mother had given her at Christmas. That was all that had been given back to me. Everything else had been destroyed in the accident.
I took the engagement ring, necklace, and studs and put them back in her jewelry box. Some day, James would get them and he could either give them to his wife or pass them on to his kids. I placed her wedding ring on my pinky finger. It was the simple gold band that we’d gotten in Vegas, but I couldn’t bear to put it in her jewelry box.
I thought back to how scared I was when I married her. I don’t know what ever possessed me to marry her at the time, but I couldn’t imagine what my life would have been like this past year without her. She had taken my life and turned it upside down.
I showered the day off me and then climbed into bed. The sheets felt cold without her, but I could still smell her scent lingering. I pulled her pillow against me, so it was like I was holding her. I drifted off to memories of her wrapped in my arms, knowing that the memories were as close to her as I would ever get again.
✯✯✯✯✯
I went into work on Monday and avoided everyone’s stares. I didn’t want to hear about how sorry everyone was or their condolences. I needed to get back to work or I would go crazy. It was tough dropping James off this morning, but he insisted that he was ready to go back to school. I had to stop myself before I said that Cassandra would pick him up after school. That’s what I usually told him at drop off unless she had to work late. Now it was up to me.
I started answering emails and I returned a few phone calls. Each person that I talked to told me how sorry they were for my loss and each time I politely thanked them and got back to business.
“Are you sure you should be here?” Logan asked as he entered my office around midday.
“Where else would I be?”
“I don’t know, man. At home with James?”
“The only thing to do at home is sit and think about Cassandra. We both needed to get back into a routine.”
“How’s James handling everything?”
“Better than me.” I sighed scrubbed a hand over my face. I hadn’t shaved since the
funeral and it was starting to itch. “He seems to just know how to deal with everything. I don’t get it. I just..” The tears threatened again and I cursed myself for being so weak. “I just can’t seem to get over it.”
“I don’t think you can just get over it. You loved her and you now have to raise James on your own. He’s a reminder of her.”
“I wouldn’t trade him for anything,” I snapped.
“I know that. I’m just saying that it’s not like you can just move on because he’s a piece of her.”
“How did this happen? How is this my life? I know this makes me sound like an asshole, but how is this fair? Every one of you got the woman you loved and you’re happy. You have kids together. I never got that with her. We never had a chance to really start living our lives together. I got one year with Cassie. One fucking year and she was ripped away from me.”
I stood and started pacing around the office. I was angry now. I wanted so bad to punch something, to do something to make me feel like I was taking some revenge for what had been taken from me. Logan stalked toward me and got in my face.
“You’re right. I have it all and I’m not going to feel bad for that. I’m sorry you got a shit deal, but that’s life.”
“That’s life? What the fuck does that even mean? Oops, sorry you lost your wife and your chance at happiness, but fuck you?”
He shrugged and I lost it. I punched him in the mouth and when he turned back to look at me, he smiled. All I could see in that moment was rage. I reared back and punched him over and over again until he was on the floor beneath me and I was beating the shit out of him.
“What the fuck?”
Someone pulled me off him and only then did the anger recede. Logan sat up and wiped the blood from his mouth. He had cuts all over his face where I had hit him and his face would be severely bruised.
Ryan: A Contemporary Romance (For The Love Of A Good Woman Book 7) Page 22