“Really? And having you all come over uninvited and sit around talking about your poor lives and all the problems you’re having is going to make things easier for me?” No one said anything. They just stared at me with blank expressions, except for Sean who looked like he actually felt bad.
“Do you think I need to hear about how your lives are moving on while I’m hanging on by a fucking thread? Sean, I’m really fucking sorry that you have a new baby girl and your wife wants you to help. That sucks for you. And Drew, sorry that you were blessed with two little boys and now you don’t get any sleep. That must be fucking terrible to know that you’re going to have such a big, loving family. Go fuck yourself. About the only one here I do feel sorry for is Cole and I bet he’d rather kick my ass than have me feeling sorry for him.”
I knew that I was losing it. For the first time in a long time, the tears were threatening again and I just couldn’t stand to have anyone witness me break down yet again.
“Get the fuck out of my house. I didn’t ask for any of you to come and I sure as shit don’t need any of you over here feeling sorry for me.”
“Ryan, we’re trying to help. You can’t just sit here alone whenever James goes to his grandparents. You need to live,” Sebastian said.
“I am living. The only way I know how. You all have your wives and families to go home to, so go and leave me the fuck alone with my memories.”
Logan stepped toward me and gripped my shoulder. “You don’t have to be alone. I can’t fucking stand to see you like this.”
I shoved his hand off my shoulder and let loose the anger inside. “I am fucking alone! You can’t stand to see me like this? I don’t want to see any of you. You come over here and try to act like nothing happened. Like my whole world wasn’t ripped apart. I have to sit and listen to you bitch about your wives or your kids and all I can think is how fucking lucky you are to still have your families. Meanwhile, I’m over here trying to hold it together so James doesn’t see me fall apart every other minute of the day.”
I walked over to the front door and held it open. “You may think you’re helping, but seeing all of you is just another fucking reminder of what I lost. Just get out. Don’t come back and try to help me or make sure I’m okay because I’m not. If any of you show up on my doorstep again, I won’t answer the fucking door.”
I could see the indecision on all their faces. None of them wanted to go, but they knew staying wouldn’t help. I leaned against the door as they started filing out the door. Logan stopped in front of me and stared at the ground for a moment.
“You’re my business partner and my friend, but above that, you’re family. I’ll step back for now and give you space, but I’m never going to leave you alone. You’re drowning, man. Don’t wait too long to ask for a life raft.”
He walked out the door and only after the last truck pulled out of my driveway did I finally shut the door and fall to my knees. I hadn’t really wanted them to go. I just couldn’t stand to be the friend that moped around and brought everyone down.
“Cassie,” I whispered. “I need you so bad right now. I can’t keep doing this. I’m fucking everything up without you. Give me a sign or something to tell me what to do.”
I wiped at the tears that were falling down my face and looked around the house, hoping that she would appear or give me something. She was never there, though. I was always alone.
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
Epilogue
“IT’S A YEAR today, Cassie. One year since you were taken from us.” I blew out a breath as I looked at the headstone.
Cassandra Jackson
Sleep on, sweet mother and wife,
And take thy rest, God called thee home
He thought it best
I said those words over and over in my head whenever I felt despair creeping in. It was the only thing that gave me comfort when I felt lost without her.
“We’re doing okay now. It’s been a rough year without you, but I’m doing everything I can to make sure I raise James the way you would have wanted.”
I laughed a little at what was going to happen after this.
“When we’re done here, we’re going back to the house for a celebration of your life. Your parents will be there and we’re going to toast to your life. James will even be having a drink with us, which I know you’ll be thrilled about. I promise, no hard liquor.”
My throat was straining as I fought the sadness that was creeping in. As usual whenever I thought of Cassandra, my chest tightened painfully, my breathing became ragged, and my vision blurred.
“I decided that I would only bring James out here on the anniversary of your death. I don’t want him to think that this is where he’ll feel close to you. You’re still all around the house. I haven’t touched the book you were reading before you died. It’s still sitting on the table by your favorite chair. I haven’t been able to bring myself to remove your clothes or your makeup. Your favorite bath bombs are still sitting on the side of the tub. I just can’t erase you from my life yet.
“I still sleep with your pillow wrapped in my arms at night just so I feel like I have your body next to mine. The pillowcase doesn’t smell like you anymore, so I started spraying your perfume around the room to make it feel like you were there. Is that creepy?” I chuckled at the fact that not only was I talking to a dead woman and hoping for a response, but that everything I was doing did sound crazy.
“James has been doing pretty good in school. It was rough for him to go back at first, but everyone’s been really understanding. After a few months, he was back to doing his school work the way he should. We still read together at night and he’s getting pretty fast.”
I sighed and kicked at the ground with the toe of my shoe. “It feels wrong to be standing here telling you about things you should be experiencing. You were never supposed to leave me here alone to take care of him. We were supposed to be a family and grow old together.
“I’m really trying, Cassie. I’m trying to be the best father I can. I’m trying to keep putting one foot in front of the other and move on. I’m trying to not cry every time I think about everything I lost when you died. I just miss you so much and I feel lost without you. I look like I have my shit together, but in reality I’m a fucking mess after James goes to sleep. It’s the only time I allow myself to really feel anything.
“Every time I walk in that house, I see you and it’s like a punch to the gut. I see James crying sometimes and I want to tell him that it’ll get easier, but the truth is, I still feel like it was just yesterday that you died. I rarely let James go to your parents house to stay the night anymore because I’m afraid my grief will get the best of me. He’s the only thing holding me together right now. I don’t know if there will ever be a day that I don’t think of you or that it doesn’t hurt to not be able to touch you.
“But I’ll keep trying, Cassie. I’ll keep moving forward because I know that’s what James needs.” I bent down and twirled her wedding ring that was still on my pinky finger. “I’ll always love you, Cassie girl. Someday we’ll be together again and I’ll hold you in my arms, but until then, I’ll be loving you and praying that you’re at peace.”
I wiped the tears from my eyes and pressed a kiss to my fingers, then pressed my fingers to the headstone. As I stood, I looked back to see my son waiting by the car with his grandparents. To my utter shock, so were all my friends. Every single one of them stood there with their wives and kids in support of James and I.
I hadn’t spoken to anyone but Logan since that night at my house. That was over six months ago. I knew that I had fucked up when I kicked them out, but my grief wouldn’t allow me to let anyone in. I shook my head slightly, sure that they were a mirage and would all disappear if I could just clear my eyes.
I looked back at the grave and knew I had to make a decision. I could keep fighting the people that loved me and were trying to help me or I could stay in a life that no longer existed with my Cassie girl.
>
“Dad!” James called to me and then waved me over.
My life was back there, not in this cemetery. I steeled myself and walked back to the car and away from my wife.
“Until next year, Cassie girl.”
Ratings on Amazon help me to spread the word about my books and allow me to keep writing. Please take a moment and write an honest review of this book on Amazon. Watch for upcoming books in the next series, Reed Security.
Also in this series:
Jack: A romantic comedy
Cole: A romantic thriller
Logan: A revenge novel
Drew: A new beginnings romance
Sebastian: A mystery/thriller romance
Sean: A Love Triangle Romance
Ryan: A Contemporary Romance
The Reed Security Series
Sinner: April 2018
Freckles: May 2018
Cazzo: June 2018
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Ryan: A Contemporary Romance (For The Love Of A Good Woman Book 7) Page 24