by Pam Fluttert
“Good luck. You’re going to need it.”
I push the door open with sweaty palms and hesitate when I hear Taylor’s sobs. I start to close the door. I can’t even deal with my own problems. How can I possibly help Taylor?
Taylor sees me before I get the door completely closed. “Are you leaving me too?”
“Of course not. I wouldn’t do that.” I feel guilty for the lie I just told.
“Everyone else has,” Taylor says, between sobs. “I don’t want to cry. It hurts here, but I can’t help it.” She points at her ribs.
I enter the room and sit on the chair beside Taylor’s bed, grasping her small hand.
“What do you mean, everyone has left you?”
“They don’t want me anymore, Kat. He told me they wouldn’t like me if I told the secret.” Taylor sniffles. “But I didn’t tell the secret. Why don’t they like me?”
Taylor’s eyes are sad and confused. “I didn’t tell. I’m not a bad girl. I stopped talking to the doctor and nurses so I wouldn’t tell. I didn’t talk to the other lady who came in, either. But now they’re gone.”
Tears course down Taylor’s cheeks.
“Who’s gone, Sweetie?” My throat burns as I fight to keep my own tears from gathering.
“Mom, Dad, and Darren. I didn’t tell the secret. Why did they go?”
“They’re not gone. They’re just really busy and haven’t been able to visit.” How could they do this to her? My blood boils at the thought of how terrified Taylor must feel.
“Really?”
“Of course. They love you. They wouldn’t leave you. We all love you, Taylor. We all want to see you get better.”
Taylor squeezes my hand and closes her eyes. “Was Suzie brave for keeping her secret, Kat?”
Who’s Suzie? Then I remember the last story I told her about Suzie, the brave little girl who wouldn’t let the bad man hurt her anymore.
How do I answer her? She needs to believe that telling me is the right thing.
“Suzie was brave. She was even braver for sharing her bad secret with her mom.”
“Did everybody leave her?” Taylor opens her eyes and stares into mine.
“No, nobody left her except the bad man. They loved her even more and stayed with her to make sure nobody ever hurt her again.”
“How did she know her secret was bad?”
I think about how to answer Taylor.
“Secrets can be bad for lots of reasons. If the secret is about somebody being hurt, or if it hurts you, then it’s bad. If somebody threatens you, then it’s probably a bad secret that you should tell your mom about.”
“You mean even if they say bad things will happen if you tell the secret?” Taylor asks.
“Yeah, exactly.”
“What if Suzie didn’t tell her secret?” asks Taylor.
“Then the bad man would’ve kept hurting her. He might even have been hurting other kids.”
“So Suzie saved those other kids?”
I nod. “Suzie helped them by telling her secret.”
“Can he hurt Suzie for telling the secret?”
I shake my head and squeeze Taylor’s hand. “No, he can’t. He’s gone.”
“What if Suzie misses him? What if the bad man is her dad?”
Oh gads. What should I say?
“Taylor, Honey…” Taylor’s eyes are large and serious.
Squeezing her hand, I clear my throat. “Everyone is different, and that includes daddies. Some of them play sports with their kids. Some of them like to play and read to their kids. Some daddies work a lot and don’t have as much time as they should for their kids, but they still come in and hug them and kiss them at night before they go to bed. Some daddies aren’t very nice to their kids. And there are daddies who sometimes hurt their kids.”
Taylor’s grip tightens on my hand.
“What if a daddy does all of those things?” she whispers.
Shifting in the chair to face Taylor better, I lift her chin with my hand. She trembles from the effort of holding back tears.
“If a daddy does all those things, he’s trying hard to be nice to his little girl, but he needs help. The little girl would be very brave if she wanted her daddy to get help. Special people can help that daddy learn how to be nice all the time.”
“Why would people want to help?” Taylor asks.
“Because little girls and boys are special. People want to make sure they’re protected and loved all the time so nothing bad happens to them.”
Taylor looks out the window behind me. “Will they hurt my daddy?”
I swallow the lump in my throat. Does she realize what she’s admitted?
“No, they won’t hurt your daddy. They’ll talk to him and help him get better. And they’ll make sure he won’t hurt you, or any other kids, again.”
Taylor looks at me and nods. “That’s what I want, Kat. I want Daddy to be nice all the time.”
“Will you talk to Dr. Williams, Taylor? She needs to find the right people to help you.”
Taylor stares silently at our hands, mine engulfing her smaller one. Please say yes, Taylor. Let us help you.
Chapter Thirteen
My bones feel like mush and I wish I could sleep for a week.
“You look tired. Are you okay?” Mom asks, glancing at me when she stops at a red light.
“Yeah.” I close my eyes, hoping she’ll take the hint. If I tell her about my day, she’ll probably accuse Taylor of lying. Besides, I can’t. I’m bound by patient confidentiality.
The muscles in my arms are still cramped from leaning over the bed and holding Taylor’s hand while she poured her heart out to Aunt Sheila. My head pounds like a ticking time bomb.
I open my eyes and look out the window, thinking about the past few hours.
I can still see Taylor’s haunted eyes when she denied everything after I asked her to talk to Aunt Sheila.
“We don’t need help. We’re happy.”
My heart sank. She was going backwards. I struggled to control my panic and frustration. I squeezed Taylor’s hand, trying to gather my thoughts. “I know you’re happy. Wouldn’t you like to be even happier?”
Taylor was silent for a moment. “I don’t know.”
“Would your very own Peter Rabbit book make you happier?”
Taylor nodded, the corners of her mouth lifting slightly.
“Okay. What about playing at the park? Would that make you happier?”
She nodded again.
I looked out the window, trying to figure out what else to say. Flaming red and orange leaves twirled down from the trees. Of course, what kid doesn’t like playing in the leaves this time of year.
I looked back at Taylor. “You know what made me happy? Once I helped my dad rake the leaves on our lawn into a big pile, and then I jumped in them.”
Taylor’s eyes widened. “Did he get mad?”
“No, he jumped in with me.” An image of Dad and me jumping in the leaves flashed through my head. It made me sad to realize we haven’t had fun like that for so long.
Taylor’s eyes grew even wider. “Really?” she whispered.
“Yeah, and then we raked them up and did it all over again. Would something like that make you happier?”
Taylor’s awed expression disappeared. Her eyes glazed, and her face took on a ghost-like pallor. “My dad would get really mad. You must have a nice dad.”
“Yeah, I suppose I do.” Dad and I have our problems, especially with communication, but he’s a good guy.
“Taylor, if we could get help for your daddy, he could learn how to control his anger. Then you could do everything we talked about, and more.”
Taylor nodded and wiped her tears.
; “Are you ready for me to call Dr. Williams?”
“Yes,” she whispered.
“Well, we’re home.” Mom’s voice brings me back to the present.
“Thanks for picking me up.” I open the door and dodge into the house, avoiding any further conversation with Mom.
Dad is in his office, talking on the phone. I sneak to my room, closing the door behind me so I don’t have to face anyone. Relieved, I flop on the bed and stare at the ceiling.
I can’t believe so much could happen in a single day. Within a few hours, Taylor’s life has changed forever.
My heart breaks for Taylor and what she is going through. But, for the first time in her life, things can only get better for her. I promised her that she would be able to jump into a pile of leaves as soon as she was stronger.
So why am I not feeling better?
I sit up and stare at the mirror as my image blurs and changes. A girl, who looks to be about six, stares back at me. She has blonde pigtails, a spattering of freckles across her nose, and two missing front teeth. She looks like any other child, except for the fear reflected in her eyes. A tear runs down the child’s face. I reach up and feel wetness on my cheek.
Tenderness and love for this child fills me, just like it did the first time I saw Taylor.
“You don’t deserve it, either. But I don’t know how to help you,” I whisper to the child.
Her sad face starts to fade. No, don’t go!
I rise from the bed and approach the mirror. The child is gone, replaced by my reflection.
I have to fight for that little girl. She deserves a life without fear, too. She needs to play without listening for his voice. She needs to feel safe in her home without him walking through the door. She needs to know her parents will always love her and take her side over his.
That child is inside you. That child needs you right now.
I shake my head. That child is gone.
I can’t think this through without my journal. I open the bedroom door to run to the clubhouse.
“Oh! You scared the wits out of me.” Mom clenches her hand over her chest, her other hand offers the cordless phone.
“Sorry,” I mumble, trying to step around her.
“Wait.” Mom grabs my arm. “Steph is on the phone.”
“Steph?” I ask stupidly.
“Yes.” Mom studies me, her eyebrow raised in concern. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah.” I take the phone and turn around to close the door again.
“You’re welcome,” Mom shouts when the door shuts in her face.
I haven’t spoken to Steph since our last fight. What can she want?
Chapter Fourteen
I stare at the phone, afraid to answer it. If Steph starts talking about Mike, we’ll argue again. But if she misses me as much as I miss her…
I sit on the bed and raise the phone to my ear. “Hello?” My voice croaks like a sick frog.
“Hi,” Steph whispers.
Our breathing is the only thing breaking the silence between us. The phone is slippery in my sweaty palm. Why doesn’t she say anything? Did she change her mind? Maybe I can’t hear her over my pounding heart.
“How are you?” Steph finally asks.
How am I? I’m an emotional wreck. I feel lost and betrayed and I miss you like crazy. You haven’t been here for me through any of this.
Shying away from voicing any of these thoughts, I shrug my shoulders as if she’s in the room. “Fine. You?”
“Okay. Look – this is kind of awkward – maybe I could come over?”
“Why?” I don’t want her here if we’re going to fight again.
“Because I miss you, you dork,” Steph says and then gasps. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to say that.”
I catch my breath. Did she say she misses me?
“Are you there? Kat?”
A bubble of laughter escapes. Trying to hold it in, I start to snort and then we’re both laughing.
“I’ll meet you at the front door,” I gasp between giggles, and we both hang up.
I throw open the front door just as Steph runs up the driveway.
“Hey, Dork,” she says, bounding up the steps. We laugh and hug, goofy grins plastered on our faces.
“I’m sorry,” we both say in unison and collapse again into a fit of giggles.
“Come on upstairs.” We run to my room. Closing the door, I grin at my best friend. It’s so good to have her back.
“I’m sorry,” she says. “I don’t know how many times I picked up the phone to call you and chickened out. I was hurt that you didn’t need me when Sarah disappeared—”
“That’s not true! You weren’t home. You were out with Mike.” I flinch at saying his name.
“That’s not fair….”
I hold up my hand. “It doesn’t matter. You weren’t home when it happened. It doesn’t matter where you were.”
Liar. You were upset that she was out with Mike when you needed her. Ignoring the voice inside my head, I flop down on the bed beside Steph. She has that look on her face, as if she is trying to hold something back.
“What?” I ask.
“Nothing.”
“Come on. What’s up? It’ll kill you to keep your mouth shut.”
Steph smiles before becoming serious. “You okay, Kat?”
I’m suddenly wary. What does she know?
“Of course I’m okay. What do you mean?”
“Well, Scott said you haven’t been yourself lately.”
“Scott doesn’t know what he’s talking about. Besides, why were you talking about me like that?”
“Don’t get mad. I had to practically drag it out of him. I wanted to know how you were after Sarah’s disappearing act. He told me that I should’ve come to see how you’re doing. He’s right. I’m sorry we fought.”
I shrug, uncomfortable with this conversation.
“He told me you aren’t yourself. At first he thought it might be because of our fight, but he thinks it’s something more. He said that things were weird the other night with you and your parents and even Greg.”
Panic begins to close in around me. What did Scott see? Everything begins to darken. Concentrate, Kat. Stay with it. I take a deep breath and force my mind to focus on Steph. I’m not ready to talk about it yet. If I tell, I can never go back. If I tell, I’ll be the bad one.
“Kat?”
I force a smile. “Scott was imagining things. Everything’s fine. The usual – you know, Sarah pulls a pout for attention, Dad immediately sides against me, and everything is my fault. And what would Scott know? I’ve hardly seen him lately.” It takes all my concentration to keep my voice light.
“Yeah, he’s been really moody at home, and for some reason he’s hanging out with those Science geeks at school…. So that’s it? Just the usual family chaos?”
I nod. “You know how it can be around here.” I turn away to avoid Steph’s eyes. Can I fool her after all our years of friendship?
“Yeah. How’re things now?”
I shrug. “Don’t know. I haven’t been here much. Yesterday at breakfast I got the cold shoulder. Then I went to work and stayed late, so I haven’t really seen either of my parents since.”
“Why did Sarah take off?”
“We had a stupid argument about…pizza, and she had a hissy fit.”
“Hmmm. Let’s talk about more exciting things,” Steph suggests, and I’m in total agreement, as long as those more exciting things have nothing to do with Mike.
We talk for over an hour about school, music, gossip, and anything else we can think of.
I even tell Steph about Taylor, without mentioning Taylor’s name or who her family is.
“Wow, you mean this p
oor kid’s father has been beating her and she’s been afraid to tell anybody?” Steph plops a grape into her mouth.
“Yeah, he’s been threatening her all along.”
“But still, even after all the threats, she could have told somebody. What’s her problem?”
My gut clenches. I mentally count to ten, trying to cool my anger at Steph’s naïve question.
As if sensing my mood, Steph says, “Oh well, at least everything’s for the best now. You actually made a difference in somebody’s life. It sounds like she’d still be crying in that hospital bed if you hadn’t helped her. That’s cool.”
I feel a bit better. I never thought of it that way. Who would have figured I could make a difference in somebody’s life?
“Hmmm, I suppose.”
“Hey, let’s get out of here for awhile. Mike and some of his friends are hanging out down by the dam this afternoon. You want to go?”
I should have been prepared for Mike’s name to come sooner or later, but I wasn’t. I don’t want to go hang out with him and his friends, but I’m not ready to lose Steph again, now that we’re back on track.
“Come on, I really want you to get to know Mike. He’s not that bad.”
“Well…I guess so.”
“Great! I have to run home and change. Hey, why don’t I bring an outfit back for you?” Steph eyes my tattered sweats and pullover.
“I don’t know. I’m kind of comfortable and…” I hesitate, thinking about the afternoon we’ve just had together. I feel good about making a difference in Taylor’s life. I do want to help myself, so why not start with a new look?
An hour later, we leave the house and walk to the dam. It’s only about a fifteen-minute walk from the house. That gives me time to adjust to the heels Steph insisted I wear.
With every step I take Steph’s short skirt feels like it’s hiking up my thighs. I pull down on it for what seems like the hundredth time, when Steph smacks my hand and tells me to stop fiddling.
“I can’t help it. It feels like my butt is exposed to the world, and I’m cold.” I shiver in her borrowed sweater. She wouldn’t let me bring my coat because it doesn’t match the skirt.