Until Today

by Pam Fluttert

  Scott breaks the silence. “Talk to me, please.”

  “My – my…My journal is gone.”

  His lips turn up slightly. “That’s it? We’ll find it.”

  “No – no. That’s not it.”

  “Okay. What else?”

  I try to gather my thoughts. What can I do? I have no idea where to start. I try to pull away from Scott, but his grip on my arms becomes stronger.

  “Trust me, Kat. I’ll always be here to help you.” Scott lowers his head.

  Trust me. Trust me. Scott’s words ring inside my head. He’s always come through for me when I’ve really needed him.

  But to tell the secret – to share something so dirty and deep and dark – could I do that with Scott?

  Who else do you have? Somebody else out there knows.

  I pull away and sit back against the wall. Scott sits on the floor, waiting.

  “Kat, I know something’s wrong. You haven’t been yourself lately. I don’t know how to help you because you won’t talk to me.”

  “I don’t know if I can. Besides, you haven’t been around much lately.”

  “I’m here now. Tell me what’s going on.” His voice is firm with a touch of impatience.

  “You might feel differently toward me.” I shiver at the thought of Scott hating me.

  “Don’t you know I could never feel differently toward you?” Scott sighs, shifts his weight and grabs my hand, sending warm shock waves through my body. I trust his words as if he was Jared.

  “It’s not pretty.”

  “I guessed that much.” Scott squeezes my hand.

  “I have a secret in my journal.”

  “A secret?”

  I watch Scott, needing to look into his eyes and see the expression on his face. So many thoughts and feelings bombard me: the child inside me needs my help, how difficult it is to bear this burden alone, how much Taylor’s life will change, the pain of Steph’s betrayal and how lonely her absence makes me, and Greg’s terrible threats.

  Scott squeezes my hand, distracting me from the chaos inside my head.

  “About Greg…”

  Scott’s eyes narrow, but he maintains eye contact. “What about Greg?”

  “About what he does to me.” The words come out in a soft whisper.

  “About what?” Scott asks. Did he not hear my whisper, or does he need me to say the words again?

  Tears gather in my eyes. I can say it again.

  “The things he does to me.” This time, the words startle me with their forcefulness, ringing through the silence in the clubhouse, loud and clear.

  Scott’s grip tightens as his body tenses. His eyes narrow and the corners of his mouth pull into a frown.

  My heart slams against my chest and the ball inside my stomach throbs. I tense in reaction to Scott’s body language. Could I have been wrong about him? Should I have trusted him? I want to look away so I don’t have to see disgust on Scott’s face, but I can’t – something inside me won’t let me move.

  Scott closes his eyes, his heavy breathing filling the silence in the room. The loss of eye contact releases me from my frozen state and I jerk away, ready to get up and run.

  Suddenly his eyes snap open. I jump when Scott reaches out and pulls my hand back into his.

  Surprisingly, his grip is gentler than it was before.

  “Don’t pull away from me. Tell me what that bastard did to you.”

  “I…” I stammer, shocked at Scott’s intensity and language. “I…I can’t.”

  “Tell me what he did to hurt you.”

  Scott’s words echo in my head. Scott doesn’t think it’s my fault. I can do this.

  “He touches me…” I say, staring into the brown haven of Scott’s eyes, “…and he makes me touch him. He…he does things to me.”

  Scott’s breathing deepens and his lips thin into a straight line.

  “I don’t want to do those things, Scott. Honest, I don’t.” The last few words come out in a whimper.

  The tears fall from my eyes and track down my cheeks. The words make me feel dirty and cheap. They ring inside me, twisting my heart, as if trying to suffocate it. The world is swimming in a dizzy circle, dragging me down into an endless black hole.

  Suddenly, Scott pulls on my hand, jerking me toward him and bringing me out of the dark pit. I’m buried in his arms, unable to move from his iron grip.

  We sit, wrapped together, crying and rocking.

  Finally, Scott breaks the silence. “I’m sorry, Kat. I didn’t know. I should’ve helped you, but I didn’t know.”

  Suddenly, Scott gasps. “The other night after finding Sarah – he tried to get rid of me so fast – did he—”

  I shake my head, fighting the fog enveloping my brain.

  “Did it happen again that night because I left? I’m so sorry.” A tear falls down Scott’s cheek.

  “No, nothing happened. Amy came to find him and they went home.”

  Scott expels a long breath, then his muscles tense again.

  “That night when I picked you up after the party, you freaked out. Why?”

  Sighing, I look into his eyes. “Scott, you have to understand. I don’t sleep much because I have nightmares about him. It was dark, the party was horrible, I was upset, and I fell asleep in the van. Maybe I was dreaming of him, or maybe I just woke up disoriented. I don’t know. At first, I thought you were Greg.” Scott pulls away, but I grip his arms, determined to make him understand. “You’re nothing like him, Scott. I just wasn’t myself, and I wasn’t thinking straight. I was really out of it.”

  “You ran from me.” Scott brushes his hand over his face, in obvious agitation and hurt.

  “Scott, I know you’d never hurt me. I wouldn’t be sitting here, confiding in you, otherwise. I’ve never told anybody.”

  “How long, Kat? How long have you had to live with this?”

  “For as long as I can remember.” I stop fidgeting with my hands to brush the tears off my cheeks.

  “When we were kids?”

  I nod. “I was always the odd one out growing up. Jared was Dad’s champion and when Sarah was born, she was his little angel. I couldn’t figure out where I fit in. Greg made me feel special and loved.” Scott grimaces, while I pause to gather my thoughts. My voice grows stronger as I talk about the things I’ve never been able to put into words before. “When I started realizing it was wrong, he threatened me. By then I thought it was my fault.”

  “I’ll kill him. I’ll find him and kill him for doing this to you.” Scott pushes me away and jumps to his feet.

  “No!” I scramble to my feet and grab his arm.

  “Why are you protecting him? He deserves it for what he did to you.” His voice breaks on the last few words.

  “I’m not protecting him.” I fold my arms across my chest. “I’m protecting myself – and you.”

  Scott spins to walk away. “I don’t need protection, Kat. He’s sick, and somebody has to do something.”

  I grab his arm again, angry that he is taking control of the situation. “No, Scott. You can’t make this decision for me. You’re being like him and not listening to me.”

  Scott stops and whispers, “How could you say that?”

  “You’re taking control and not thinking about how I feel.” I let go of his arm as he turns to look at me. Tears run down my cheeks. “I’m not ready, Scott. Mom and Dad wouldn’t even believe me. He’s been Dad’s best friend since high school. They’ll blame me.”

  “You don’t know that. They’re your parents. Of course they’ll believe you. What if he does it again, Kat?” Scott pulls me back into a hug.

  “I won’t let him.” I pull away and look up Scott. “I want to help myself, but I need to do it my way, in my o
wn time.”

  “If he touches one hair on your head…”

  “He won’t – not anymore.”

  Scott puts my head on his shoulder.

  “I can’t imagine what you’ve been through.” Scott’s voice shakes with emotion. “He’s so much bigger than you. What if he hits you or something? You need to tell your parents.”

  “How would he explain bruises to my parents? He’s too smart.”

  I tell Scott about my confrontation with Amy and the lies he told her. I also tell him about my fear of the reporters and newspapers and having everybody know. It would be awful going to school and having everyone look at me, knowing what I did with Greg. It would affect Dad’s law practice and Mom’s job at school.

  “You shouldn’t be protecting your parents; they should be protecting you. Please come to me when you need to.”

  “I can’t. He’ll hurt you.”

  “I can protect myself, Kat. Promise you’ll come to me.”

  “I’ll try.” I say and step away from him. “This is so weird. I feel like I’m dreaming this. I didn’t think I would ever be able to tell anybody.”

  My load really does feel a little lighter. I’m no longer alone.

  Looking around at the mess in the clubhouse, I suddenly remember my missing journal.

  “Scott – my journal. Everything is in there. I have to find it.”

  Chapter Seventeen

  Sitting on the floor of the clubhouse, I raise my knees and look around, the cold from the wall seeping through my shirt.

  Where did I have it last?

  I stare at the milk crates where my journal should be. The loss of something so personal and important makes me feel hollow inside.

  What’s happened in here lately, other than my talk with Scott a few days ago?

  I feel warmer when I think about Scott’s support. We seem closer again, and I no longer feel like he’s avoiding me. In fact, he’s been checking on me two or three times a day to see how I’m doing.

  I have the feeling I’m missing something. Scott sometimes seems on the verge of saying something and then stops.

  To my surprise, I’m disappointed when he doesn’t. What do I want him to say? The whole situation scares and excites me. I wish things were simpler right now. Will I ever be ready for anything else?

  I stand up to grab my phone off the table when it rings.

  “Hello?”

  “Hi, it’s me.”

  I smile when I hear Scott’s voice. “Hey, I was just thinking about you.” Scott doesn’t reply. “Scott? Are you still there?”

  “Yeah, I’m here. Sorry, you caught me off guard. Good things, I hope?” His voice has a funny catch.

  “Of course. You’ve been keeping me sane the last few days.”

  “I’ve got a question for you, and don’t say no without thinking about it.”

  My stomach flip-flops in anticipation. Is he going to finally tell me what’s been on his mind? “Okay, shoot.” I try to keep my voice light.

  “Steph has been asking about you. She’s been bugging me to ask you if she can come see you.”

  I’m suddenly disappointed. What was I expecting? I should be happy that Steph wants to come and talk again.

  “Uh…I don’t know. She made it pretty clear what her priorities were the last time I saw her.”

  “She broke up with Mike.”

  “Oh.” Could there be a chance we could patch our friendship? “I don’t know…probably…let me think about it.”

  “Okay. Try to give her a break, Kat. She feels bad, and she’s upset.”

  “Okay, I’ll see.”

  “Are you in the clubhouse again?”

  “Yeah, still no luck. I can’t figure out where it could be.”

  “I have to take off for a while. I’ll come over and help later.”

  “Thanks Scott. I’ll see you soon.”

  “Bye.”

  I set the phone on the table, staring at the empty stack of milk crates. I know I put it away the last time I wrote in it. Who could have found it? Could Sarah have stolen it? If that little—

  “Hello, Kat.”

  “Amy.…” Has Greg told her more lies? I fidget with my shaking hands, waiting for her to say something.

  We stare at each other in silence for a few seconds before she drops a bag on the table. I stare, shocked when my journal slides out of it.

  I snatch up the book, holding it against my chest. I feel the sting of betrayal. I love and trust Amy, and she took my journal. “How could you?” I stare at her, still clutching the book to my chest.

  “I’ve been hearing such terrible things. I saw the book when the milk crates fell and I had to know. The things you wrote…are they true?” Amy stares at the journal wrapped in my arms.

  I struggle with a storm of emotions. “Does it make any difference what I say?” I glare at Amy.

  “No, I suppose it doesn’t.” Amy shakes her head and begins to pace in the small space of the clubhouse. “How could this happen? I trusted…” Amy pauses and looks directly at me, then looks away again. She raises her voice enough to make me flinch with every word. “I trusted both of you. I did everything for you. You’re the daughter I never had.” She turns quickly, grabs the journal from me, and throws it against the wall. I jump at the loud thud it makes when it lands beside me. I draw in my breath, smarting from her words. I don’t think I could feel more pain if Amy had stabbed me with a knife.

  “I guess there’s nothing left to say then.” I turn away from her, unable to stand looking at the woman who spent more time with me over the last few years than my own mother and father. I can’t make her understand. He’s her husband, and she loves him. She blames me and why shouldn’t she? It’s just like he always said it would be.

  “I’m sorry,” I whisper and start fighting back sobs. “I didn’t want to…I didn’t want to betray you…I’m so sorry.” I pick up the journal and shelter it in my arms, trying to breathe between sobs. I’m going to lose everyone I love. I don’t deserve their love.

  “Kat—” I feel Amy’s touch on my shoulder, but when I turn around she pulls away, as if burned, tears on her cheeks. My body jerks with sobs as Amy tilts her head to look at me.

  “You’re so young still,” she whispers.

  Staring at the floor in shame, I hear Amy start to move away from me. There’s a sudden pause in her movement and then a loud smack. I look up as she winds up for a second kick to the doorframe of the clubhouse. “How could he do this to me? How could he? I’m such a fool!” We both stand without saying a word for what seems like hours. The only sound is the intake of our breaths between sobs.

  “Amy, I…”

  She lifts her head and looks at me. I’ve never seen such devastation on anybody’s face. She doesn’t even look like Amy. She puts her hand out like a barrier, shaking her head.

  “I don’t want to hear it, Kat. I’ve read it, and I don’t know what to say. I wasn’t even going to come. At first, I was just going to ignore it. Stupid me, thinking it would just go away.” I hold my breath. She looks at me and shakes her head. “It won’t go away, though. You’re here and will always be here to remind me. Why did you have to be here to tempt him?” Her voice grows louder as she speaks the last few words.

  Shame, anger, and hurt clog my throat, leaving me speechless and in shock.

  Amy stares out of sightless eyes and begins speaking as if I’m not there. “I know I can’t ignore it. How am I supposed to look at him, talk to him, or even look at you?” She kicks the doorframe again, this time with much less enthusiasm than the last few kicks. “I know…” Amy stops for a moment, sighing. “I’m probably not being fair to you right now, but this isn’t fair to me, either.” Her last few words are barely a whisper.

  �
��Amy, please let me…”

  “No, Kat. I knew what I was doing when I came here but wouldn’t admit it. Good-bye, Kat.”

  I swallow past the lump in my throat, and clutch the journal even tighter to remind myself this is real, not a dream. Things are about to change forever.

  “What…what do you mean?”

  Amy’s stance straightens slightly as a look of resignation floods her face. “I need to get away and think. I need some time. I can’t face him – or you – right now.”

  I’m suddenly consumed by a burning need to know if Greg was right or not. “Do you…do you believe me?” I whisper.

  “I don’t know,” Amy shakes her head. “Maybe that’s not true. How can all of that be a lie?” Amy’s voice catches as she looks at the journal. “If I accept this, it means he played me for a total fool.” Her voice rises with her anger again. She suddenly turns, fidgets with her finger, and throws her wedding ring onto the table. It bounces a few times with the force and lands in the corner where my name is carved. We both stare at it for a moment, and then Amy laughs bitterly. “He played all of us. And the things that happened in – well, they just don’t seem possible.” We stare at each other, thick tension separating us. “It means I married a man who is still a stranger.” Amy clenches her fists and starts pacing again. “The man I read about in your journal isn’t the one I know. What am I supposed to do?”

  Amy’s question hangs in the air. We both know there is no answer.

  “Will you come back?” My heart hammers in my chest, waiting. I’m starting to feel faint and fight to stay on my feet. Why do I feel like the one responsible for her leaving? It’s not all my fault!

  “I don’t know.” Amy wipes a tear from her cheek.

  I catch a glimpse of something red out of the corner of my eye. It’s Sarah’s red coat, and she’s standing just outside the door of the clubhouse. Tears run down her cheeks and her hand covers her mouth.

  “No! You can’t leave. Don’t let Kat make you leave.”