Being Me (Inside Out Trilogy)

by Lisa Renee Jones

  “Did you corrupt Rebecca?”

  “Yes.”

  “And?” I ask because nothing else will come to my mind.

  “And clearly it was a mistake or she’d still be here.”

  I’m speechless yet again. I just can’t find words. Mark uses the empty space to sideswipe me with another unexpected question. “You do know Chris is thoroughly fucked-up, don’t you?”

  My reply is instant, defensive. Protective. “Aren’t we all?”

  “Not like Chris.”

  I don’t ask how he knows. It could be the club. Maybe a friendship that once was and is now lost. It doesn’t matter. “It’s his imperfections that make him perfect,” I reply, and there is conviction in my voice.

  His gaze is fiercely penetrating. “I just don’t want to see you get hurt.”

  There is a slight break in his voice that I’ve never heard in him before, and I believe him. “Like you hurt Rebecca?”

  Some emotion flickers in his eyes and is gone as quickly as it appears. Guilt? Pain? “Yes.” His voice is soft, missing the unwavering command that is his norm. “Like I hurt Rebecca.”

  “Is that why she left?”

  “Yes.”

  I am more confused about this man and his actions than ever before. “Then why attempt to take me down that path?”

  “You aren’t Rebecca, any more than I’m Chris.”

  He leaves my office and I stare after him.

  • • •

  I exit the gallery’s front door and spot the 911 parked at the curb. The relief that Chris is here does little to eliminate my apprehension; I know he’ll be upset about seeing me with Ricco.

  The door pops open and just seeing him threatens to consume me. This is one time I do not want to be consumed by all that is Chris. Not with my unsteadiness about where this weekend has led us.

  I lean into the car to maneuver my bags into the backseat and Chris takes them from me. For an instant he freezes, and I wonder if he too feels the charge darting through me. He sets my things behind us and I slide into the passenger seat, shutting myself inside the small space with him. I burn for his touch, for him to touch me.

  Tense seconds tick by, where neither of us moves or speaks. With an irritatingly shaky hand, I reach for the seat belt and it slips out of my grasp. Chris reaches over me to help, his arm brushing my breast, the heat of his body pouring into me. His hair tickles my cheek and he lingers, his mouth close to mine. It’s all I can do not to reach up and pull it to mine, but then he’s gone and I let out a trembling breath. He pops the buckle into place by my seat and settles into his. Still he doesn’t look at me. He eases the gear into drive and maneuvers onto the road.

  My fingers ball on my lap, and I’m about to explode by the time Chris pulls into a random parking spot.

  We sit there, both of us staring forward. His silence is killing me and I fight a scream, dropping my head to my lap and tunneling my fingers into my hair.

  “Sara, what happened to being careful and telling us where you’re going?”

  I look at him blankly, his words so unexpected that I can’t process them.

  “I went to the coffee shop to be near you, because I was worried about you. Then you walked in with Alvarez, whom I don’t trust.”

  I glare at him. “Alvarez is my job. Just my job. You need to accept that—just like I’ve accepted that there’s nothing between you and Ava.” My voice softens. “But you’re right; I should have told you where I was going. I’m sorry to make you worry.”

  “Damn it, Sara.” He twines his fingers in my hair and lowers his mouth one hot breath from mine. “You are the reason I take my next breath,” he whispers. “Why can’t you see that?”

  His question steals the last of my anger. I soften against him, my fingers curving around his jaw. “Let’s go home, baby.” He kisses my forehead. “I have something to show you.”

  • • •

  Chris threads his fingers with mine as we walk into his apartment. When we go down the hallway, he opens a door. “This is what I did this afternoon. I wasn’t giving you a chance to change your mind about moving in.”

  I walk inside to find stacks of boxes, and the small collection of furniture I’d had at my apartment.

  “I snagged the key from your key chain. I had the movers bring everything so you could decide what you wanted to keep, and I paid your lease off.” He pulls me close, and his touch is home. “From this point on, what’s mine is yours, Sara.”

  I hug him, pressing my ear to his chest, and I don’t want to let go. Though he’s generous with “things,” not everything that’s his is mine. For only he owns the pain of his past—and just like mine, it’s eventually going to catch up with us.

  Twenty-five

  The next morning, I’m at the bathroom mirror finishing my makeup just before Chris and I head to a breakfast meeting with Kelvin. We’ll be discussing Alvarez and the reference to the possible counterfeit art I’ve found in Rebecca’s work journal. Kelvin has also promised to set up an alert that tells him if Ella books any form of travel. It’s little comfort, but it’s better than nothing.

  I am zipping up my purse, ready to head into the bedroom, when Chris appears behind me and sets a black American Express credit card on the counter in front of me. I stare at it in stunned disbelief and then start shaking my head.

  “No.” I snatch it up and turn to him. “I don’t want this. I don’t want your money.”

  “This makes sure you’ll have anything you need or want you until we can go by the bank and set you up an account.”

  “No, Chris, I’m not taking this.” I don’t want to be like my mother, taken care of by a man. “I want to earn my own money. I have to earn my own money.”

  He cups my face. “I want to take care of you.”

  My fingers go to his wrist. “Just love me. That’s enough.”

  “This is me loving you. Please. Take the card.”

  I wet my lips and struggle with the demons of my past this conjures. “Just the card for emergencies. No bank account.”

  “Sara—”

  “Just the card. That’s a compromise, Chris—and only for emergencies.”

  He hesitates with obvious reluctance but finally gives in. “Just the card.”

  His willingness to give me this space means even more to me than I had realized up until this instant. I rise up on my toes and touch my lips to his. “Thank you, Chris.”

  He cups the back of my head. “For what?”

  “Being you.” And letting me be me.

  • • •

  Friday comes with a symphony of reasons for me to smile as I walk into Diego Maria’s, the place Chris and I went for our first date. Chris and I have slipped into a routine, a relationship, that has me walking on clouds. He takes me to work and picks me up each day. We enjoy dinner at home, some concoction we attempt to create together, and call Dylan, who has been faring decently, according to Brandy, on speakerphone. Chris then disappears into his studio, losing himself in his painting until the wee hours of the night, when he wraps himself around me and we sleep. Together. In our bed.

  I wave at Maria as the door chimes shut behind me, and I note the unfamiliar worker helping her in place of her son Diego, the co-owner of the restaurant. I join Chris at the window table he’s claimed as his new place to sketch during the day.

  “Hey, baby,” he says, standing up to greet me. The raw sex appeal of his blond hair and contrasting black jeans and a black T-shirt with an AC/DC emblem on it wreaks havoc on my senses.

  “Hey,” I say, letting my fingers tease the wispy strands of sexy blond hair at his nape.

  He flattens his hand on my back and pulls me close, kissing me soundly before skimming my jacket from my shoulders and holding my chair for me.

  “Any word from Blake and Kelvin on Rebecca?” I ask once I’m settled, placing my portfolio by my chair and my purse on the back.

  Chris claims his chair across from me, his lips twisting in a
grim line. “Nothing new worth reporting on Rebecca or Ella.”

  I’m discouraged by the never-ending stream of tidbits that turn to dead ends. “I can’t find any more notes about the counterfeit painting Rebecca mentioned in her notes, either.”

  “On a positive note,” Chris interjects, “I did get a call from your father.”

  Straightening, I prepare for the blow sure to come. “What? He called you?”

  Chris slides his hand over mine. “Relax, baby. I said on a positive note. Everything is fine. He assured me that Michael has been dealt with—after calling my banker, of course.”

  “Dealt with? What does that mean?”

  “Contained was the word your father used. I didn’t ask for details. I have Blake running security records on Michael and keeping a tab on him, to be safe.”

  “Contained,” I repeat tightly. “Yes. Well, he’s quite good at containing people.”

  Chris brings my knuckles to his lips and kisses them. “You okay?”

  I nod. “Yes, I’m fine.” I glance at the counter and notice that Diego still isn’t there.

  Chris reads my expression and says, “He left for Paris to hunt down that exchange student he had the fling with.”

  “He’s going to be heartbroken if she turns him away,” I say sadly, having heard from Maria that the woman didn’t feel as passionate about Diego as he did her. “I tried to talk him out of it.”

  My cell phone rings and I remove it from my purse and glance at Chris. “Ricco Alvarez,” I tell him before answering.

  “Ah, Bella, speak to me,” Ricco says, which is exactly how he started the call he’d made to me two days before. “Tell me you have good news for me.”

  “I’m sorry, Ricco. Rebecca hasn’t called into the gallery and no one has heard from her.”

  He sighs, and the sadness of the sound reaches through the phone. “Please do what you can.”

  “I will.” I’ve barely issued the reply when the line goes dead.

  I settle my phone on the table and Chris arches a brow. “That was quick.”

  “He only wants one thing. Rebecca. He’s just so damn obsessed with her, Chris.”

  “Blake and Kelvin have a man on him, watching him for suspicious activity.”

  “I don’t think he hurt her. I think he really loves her. He’s like Diego, chasing the ghost of what will never be.”

  “Or chasing a mistake he’s trying to cover up,” Chris warns. “Don’t let your big heart get in the way of being cautious.”

  “I know. I’m being careful.”

  Maria appears with our regular order. I chat with her a moment about Diego, and I can tell she is worried about her son.

  When she leaves, Chris studies me for a moment. “It’s our scars that define us, Sara. Diego has to live life to appreciate life.”

  “Yes.” A knot forms in my stomach at the idea that I still don’t know how deeply Chris’s scars define him.

  Chris tips back his beer and then reaches for a fork. “Eat, baby. The food is getting cold.”

  I nod and shove aside my worries and he tells me about Paris, continuing his diligent effort to convince me to take another leap of faith and go with him.

  Our plates are removed and I reach for my portfolio. “I want to show you something.” I flip it open. “These are the art pieces I have picked out for that property Ryan has me working on.”

  I spend the next fifteen minutes showing him each one of my prize finds. I glance up to find myself captured by his tender stare. He brushes his knuckles over my cheek. “You really love what you do.”

  “Yes. This is a dream for me. But I . . . I know it doesn’t have to be at Allure.” It is the first time I’ve alluded that I might go to Paris with him.

  He goes very still. “What are you saying?”

  More and more, I think Paris is my way of peeling back the remainder of Chris’s layers. “It means I belong with you.”

  We stare at each other and I can almost feel the depths of our bond weave deeper into my soul. “Yes,” he says softly. “You do.”

  The waiter interrupts us by bringing the check, but the moment isn’t lost. I cast Chris a coy look. “I was wondering if a certain brilliant artist took special requests.”

  “When being called brilliant by a certain sexy-as-hell woman who happens to share my bed, most anything is possible.”

  My cheeks heat as I think of what has been possible in our bed, namely the leather straps he’d installed on the headboard to tie me up and torment me with pleasure. “Yes, well. I finally get to go to Ryan’s property tomorrow and see firsthand how my treasures will look. I was hoping you might come with me because”—I flip to a picture of a wall inside the property, and turn it to him—“I dream of this spot displaying a Chris Merit San Francisco skyline. You could donate the money, and I’ll—”

  “On one condition.” He isn’t looking at the picture. He’s looking at me. “You sit for me and let me paint you.”

  In the past, the idea was intimidating, and I told myself it was because Chris is famously talented, but it was more. It was what his brush captured, and the secrets I worried he’d reveal. I search his face now, and I see that awareness there. This is about trust, about me believing he can see the worst in me and still love me. And maybe, just maybe, if I put that kind of trust in him, he will do the same with me.

  “Yes. I’ll sit for you.”

  • • •

  At midafternoon I finish helping a customer and return to my office, where I discover a box sitting on my desk with a card. I recognize Chris’s writing immediately. Peeling open the card I read, For tonight. Open alone with the door shut. Chris.

  I trace his signature, the crisp, precise letters created by the same hand that crafts masterpieces that sell for millions.

  Amanda pops her head in. “It came a few minutes ago.” She bites her lip. “Can I see what it is?”

  “Ah, no. That’s not a good idea.”

  Her face lights up. “A naughty gift.” She sighs. “I want a sexy, famous artist to send me naughty gifts. I’ll shut the door for you.”

  I break the tape sealing the red box and laugh when I find a pink paddle and a pair of butterfly nipple clamps inside. My lips curve and heat shimmers a path through my body, but this gift makes me feel so much more than desire. He hasn’t let what he learned about Michael affect us. If he had, I don’t know what I would have done. I need the escape Chris gives me, the way I know I can just let go with him and he will never hurt me. And that’s the true gift.

  • • •

  It’s an hour before closing time at the gallery and I’ve spent the afternoon walking on more of those clouds, anticipating my night with Chris, when my cell phone rings. I glance at the number and I don’t know why, but the instant I see it, I go bitterly cold inside. “Dylan?” I answer, holding my breath as I await his young, cheerful voice.

  “Sara.”

  The pained whisper of my name from Brandy’s lips spirals through me and tears pool in my eyes. I know what she is going to tell me. “No. It can’t be.”

  “He’s gone. My baby is gone.”

  “I . . .” I say the dreaded words. I can’t help it. “I’m sorry. I’m so very sorry, Brandy.”

  “You need to go to Chris. He didn’t take it well. I . . . I just . . . go to him. He needs you.”

  “Yes. Yes.” Oh, God. Chris. “I am. I will.”

  She sobs and heaves in a trembling breath. “Call us and tell us he is okay.”

  “I will.”

  I swipe at the tears pouring down my cheeks and dial Chris. He doesn’t answer. I dial again and again. “Amanda!”

  She rushes into the office and her eyes go wide. “What’s wrong?”

  “Call Diego Maria’s and see if Chris is there,” I tell her and I’m already dialing Jacob.

  “Yes. Okay.”

  Jacob answers. “Is Chris there?” I ask.

  “No, Ms. McMillan. He’s not been in all day. Are you okay?
”

  “There’s been an emergency. If he shows up there, call me.”

  “Are you safe?”

  “Yes. It’s not me I’m worried about. It’s Chris. Just call me if you see him.” I hang up as Amanda walks back into the office. “He’s not there.”

  “Do you have the number for the coffee shop?”

  “Yes. You want me to call?”

  “No. Just get me the number.”

  She darts away and buzzes my desk. I dial the number and a man answers. “Is Chris Merit there?” The answer is no. “Is Ava there?” The answer is also no. My stomach roils. I hunch over my desk.

  Mark appears in my doorway. “Dylan, the cancer patient Chris and I are so fond of”—I suck in a breath of air—“he . . . he . . .” I can’t say it.

  “That explains it then.”

  “Explains what?”

  “Why Chris is at the club.”

  My world spins and then crashes into a million pieces and I start to shake, tears spilling like waterfalls from my eyes.

  “Ms. McMillan,” Mark snaps sharply, and somehow he is standing over me and I don’t remember him moving. “Pull yourself together, get your purse, and come with me.”

  I have no idea why but his command is so compelling that I almost robotically reach for my purse and force myself to my feet, using the desk for stability. I can’t make it any further. I wobble and sob.

  Mark wraps an arm around my waist and catches my chin, forcing my gaze to his. “Ms. McMillan.” His thumb swipes away my tears. “I warned you Chris was fucked-up. You accepted that. Did you not?”

  “Yes. But—”

  “There are no ‘buts’ today. Today you accept how he deals with pain, or you don’t. Choose now.”

  “I’m trying. I just . . . I thought . . .”

  “Don’t think. It will get you into trouble. You’ve made this choice long before now. Accept his way even if you don’t understand it, or walk away.”

  I wet my parched lips. “I accept,” I whisper.

  He sets me away from him. “Then let’s go.”

  “Where?”

  “To my club.”

  Twenty-six