by Petrova, Em
Nick releases me before we reach the car and he slides in beside me. It only takes a few minutes to return home and my stomach sinks at the sight of all the cars lining the street. It’s kind of depressing. I shudder at the thought of being gone, and having everyone gathering around and talking about me. We climb out and I pause to suck in a breath. My house is currently a mess. I went a little crazy and started clearing up and packing a few days ago, so Jess offered to put on drinks and food at her house. I eye the building pensively. I’m not sure I want to go in and face all those people.
“Just do the rounds, sweetheart,” Nick says in my ear, “and then we can leave.”
“We?” God, even my voice comes out weak.
“You need some fresh air and good company. And I’m the good company.” He offers me a grin.
I let out an inelegant snort and a wry smile. He’s right. There’s no one else here I’d rather be with. It sounds bitter but it’s not meant to be. I guess I hate that most of my family, my parents and my grandparents, live in Australia now so they couldn’t come over for the funeral. I haven’t seen them since I married Rob. It’s been a long time.
So only distant cousins are here and honestly, we’re strangers. I think most cousins are. You might play together as kids, be forced to socialize through family connections but what do you really have in common apart from blood? I bet most of them will leave as soon as they can too.
“Yeah, okay,” I agree as he opens the door for me. “You’re probably right. For a change.”
I try to smile but it doesn’t really reach my face and Nick ushers me through the open front door with a hand to the small of my back. That burns through my dress too, making my cheeks hot. Fuck, what is wrong with me?
Throwing a glance around, I grimace. The buffet looks good and Jess’s house is immaculate which reminds me how bad I was at playing the perfect housewife. A lot of people look a little lost but some of Rob’s buddies are having a good time. They’re laughing and chatting, probably reminiscing about good times.
Would I feel better if I had more memories of good times? Sadly our marriage went downhill pretty quickly. Which makes me wonder—why did I cling on to it for so long?
With a sigh, I make my way over to one of the tables and pick at some sandwiches. Jess approaches, a sympathetic smile on her face. Her dark hair is swept back in a simple pony tail and she’s wearing a dress that suits her curves but definitely looks a little motherly.
“Hey, honey, how are you doing?”
“I’m okay, I think.” I reach out and squeeze her hand though why I’m offering her comfort, I don’t know. I guess I feel guilty for not trying harder with Jess. She has been really supportive to me after Rob’s death. You can see why she does so well as a military wife. Utterly selfless. Maybe that’s my problem. Perhaps I’m too selfish. “The food looks great. Thank you so much for all your help.”
To my dismay, tears sting my eyes and I cough. Nick has tactfully retreated in search of more food and I’m grateful. I couldn’t bear for him to see them. I’ve never been great at expressing emotions anyway, especially not to those close to me.
“Don’t be silly. I’m just glad I could help.”
I study Jess’s slightly rounded face and pretty dark eyes with a pang of envy. The woman is a marvel. Bringing up kids, dealing with being an army wife, helping me… I regret that I didn’t take more time to get to know her. Soon I’ll be gone and, as always with the military, people drift apart. Good friendships don’t last once you move on. She’ll probably have to move soon and that will be it. Just another vague memory of a sort-of friendship.
“Well, I really appreciate it,” I continue, maybe trying to make up for the fact I neglected our tentative friendship. “Really, truly.”
Jess laughs and shakes her head. “You know I don’t mind. I’m a good organizer. I just wish I wasn’t organizing something like this.”
“Well…” I shrug, unsure what to say to that. Of course I didn’t want Rob dead but in some respects, I feel kind of free. My stomach twists. I am a terrible, terrible person.
“So, what are you going to do now? I know it’s only just happened but if you need any help…”
I wave a hand. “I’m fine, honestly, and you’ve done enough. I’m going to move out pretty soon, I hope. I’ve found an apartment closer to work.”
Her eyes widen. “But you’ve still got plenty of time left in the house.”
Yeah, time I don’t need or want. Rob’s life insurance payout and my paltry savings have meant I could put a down payment on a small apartment close to the city.
I shrug. “It’s easier for me to get to work from there. And…” I pause. Should I even be admitting this? Maybe I’m trying to make up for lost girlfriend time or something, “the house is too big and empty for me. I don’t really want to stay.”
Jess nods and her expression turns all sympathetic again. I’m not sure I can bear it so I stare at the uneaten sandwich in my hands.
“Well, you know where I am.”
I squeeze her hand again. “I do, thanks.” I glance over my shoulder and search out Nick. Somehow, even though he’s not looking at me, I know he’s aware of where I am, what I’m doing. Aware exactly of what I need. “I’m going to go in a minute. Just to get some fresh air. I don’t know if I can do this. I hope you don’t mind.”
“Of course not, honey,” Jess tilts her head in another kindly move. “You do whatever you need to do. You just take care of yourself.”
“Thanks,” I say again. The word feels empty but what else can I say? It’s weird how you finally see the value in someone at a time like this. I am really beginning to regret not trying harder to be good friends with Jess, but I guess I retreated into myself after a while of living here. Will I ever be able to come back out of my shell? I damn well hope so.
Nick appears at my side, having obviously read my intention. I swear he’s like fucking Superman or something. Or he has some kind of super hearing or intuition.
“Ready to go?”
“Yeah, please.”
A hand to my elbow, he leads me wordlessly out. Several people stop and say something kind and understanding but I can’t really take it on board. I’m a fraud. They’re all probably genuinely mourning the loss of a life. I’m not sure what I’m mourning. The loss of so many years perhaps. All that time fighting for a marriage, and for what?
The hand on my elbow escorts me to my car and Nick opens the door to settle me in. It’s a big black thing. Too big for me really but Rob loved it and it feels pretty appropriate. Nick slides into the driver’s seat. I’m silently grateful for him acting all gentlemanly and slightly commanding. It’s nice not to have to make any decisions for the moment.
“You want to go anywhere in particular?”
I stare at him for a moment and try to think. Going home any time soon makes my heart shrivel with dread. It’s mid-summer so the weather is pretty good and I don’t want to be cooped up indoors, wondering what the hell to do with myself.
“Can we go to the lake?”
Nick nods, a flicker of something skating across those deep blue eyes of his. “Sure.”
He pulls out of the street and takes us quickly away from the city. The lake is in the middle of nowhere surrounded by a gorgeous sandy bank. It might be busy with the weather but if you take the back entrance, you can usually find a nice quiet spot. It’s too cold for swimming most of the time though kids don’t seem to mind and I’ve swum in it before.
Maybe that’s why I saw something in Nick’s eyes. A memory perhaps. We went there, a few years ago for a BBQ with some of Rob’s friends and their wives. Rob was being a jerk, flirting with another wife and almost got himself knocked out. He drank too much and ended up passed out. I was so embarrassed, I wandered off into the forests surrounding the lake.
Nick—Mr. Super Hero—came after me. We chatted a little. This was before we grew really close. He sat me down on a log and listened to me complain. Sometime
s I wish he weren’t so understanding. He makes me feel so imperfect. The man has been through hell and back and he’s still amazing. So funny and interesting, and kind.
But there had been a moment, as we sat on that log, where we paused and just kind of stared at each other. It was one of those moments where your life might have gone down a different route had you taken the chance.
But neither of us would do that to Rob. Nick, out of loyalty to the man who was once his best friend, and me, because in spite of everything, I still believed in marriage vows. Perhaps that’s silly seeing as Rob didn’t, but I think once you vow something, you’ve got to stick with it.
I lean my head against the padded part of the car window and feel the vibrations as Nick drives away from the coast. I’m aware of his cologne seeping through the air. I don’t know the name of it but I recognize it. He seems to always wear it and it’s comforting. Makes me want to close my eyes and drift off. In fact, Nick’s whole presence does that to me. It makes me alive with awareness at the same time as wrapping me in this blanket of comfort. It might be the warrior’s body that does it. That sense of always being protected. And, boy, does Nick deliver on that. From his severe brow to his large arms, there’s no doubting the man is as capable as ever, even with his leg injury.
Sitting up as we drive into the rear parking lot, the gravel crunching under the tires, I let out a breath as I note there are hardly any cars around. I don’t really want to run into happy families right now. I guess I really am bitter, but it just reminds me of what I don’t have.
Nick reaches across and unbuckles his seatbelt and then mine.
“I am capable of doing that myself you know.” I keep my voice light. I’m not sure how I’m coming across at the moment and I desperately want to regain some of our banter. I sense he’s been tip-toeing around me ever since Rob’s death and I just want to pretend everything is normal again.
“Yeah, yeah I know. It wouldn’t kill you to let a man look after you sometimes, you know? Too damned independent.” He flashes me a grin, making my heart leap briefly. “Come on then. Let’s get some fresh air.”
He climbs out and I sit and wait as he comes around to open the door for me.
“See? I let you do stuff for me,” I tease as he opens it and I climb out, readjusting my skirt. I frown as I remember my high heels. Hardly beachwear.
He shakes his head. “Not normally you don’t.”
“Yeah, well you’re a little old fashioned, you know? Most guys don’t bother opening doors and stuff.”
Nicks pins me with a raised eyebrow and a severe look. “I won’t apologize for being a gentleman, Sienna.”
Warmth heats my cheeks and I hope he can’t see it. He’s right. I don’t know how to react when a man takes the time to look after me.
“Sorry,” I mumble.
He shakes his head again. “Don’t apologize, short stuff. Just let me take care of you sometimes.”
This time my heart does more than leap. It nearly recoils out of my chest. Would it be terrible to admit that I would love for him to take care of me?
Yes, it would. I’ve just buried my husband and I will never, ever get involved with a soldier again.
“Come on,” I say and tug at his arm.
We make our way down to the sandy shoal and I slip off my heels. He takes them from me and I make no protest, determined not to get a scolding again.
The sand is warm against my toes and I spot kids playing on the opposite side of the lake. I make out their squeals of delight and force back a sigh. I wonder if I’ll ever have that. I feel too damaged to even think about dating again. Yeah, I’m not ancient but to go through all that once more. Meeting someone, getting to know them… maybe falling in love. It could take years. I’ll probably be forty by the time I finally settle down again and then what? I’ve heard it’s a lot harder to conceive by then.
Arm in arm, we stroll down to the water’s edge. Nick steps back as I dip my toes into the water and shudder.
“Fuck, it’s cold!”
He laughs, a deep laugh that makes the toes in question curl into the wet sand. Glancing over my shoulder, I squint at him in the bright midday sun. I swallow as he views me from under his brow. Hands pushed into his pant pockets, he’s discarded his jacket—I didn’t even notice when to be honest—and is wearing a white shirt. A little tanned skin is visible at the neck and it makes my mouth feel like the damned Sahara desert.
I turn away before he notices me gaping. He must know.
Must know how sexy I find him. It’s so wrong, it sends jabbing shafts of guilt through me, but I’ve always thought he was gorgeous in that rough, untamed kind of way.
Complete opposite of Rob really. Why oh why did I choose the wrong man? I’ve asked myself that a ton of times. Rob charmed me, I guess, and I was young and easily enticed. Nick is kind of quiet at first. Brooding, I suppose. I was quite intimidated by him when I first met him.
Backing away from the lake, I retreat to his side. “Well, I guess everything went well today, right?”
“Yeah.”
“I mean considering…” I fluster.
“Yeah, I know what you mean.” He gives me a tilted smile.
I twist my feet in the sand, arms wrapped around myself. “How are you doing? He was your best friend, after all.”
He sighs audibly. “He was, but, fuck, I hate to say it… I saw this coming. Rob was so destructive.” He runs a hand through his golden hair and throws me a regretful look. “I almost wasn’t surprised when I heard he was dead.”
“God, I wish I wasn’t. I knew his drinking was bad, but he always seemed indestructible to me. Like he could do anything, get away with anything.”
“Yeah I think he seemed like that to everyone. That was probably why people admired him so much.”
“Did you?”
“I used to. When I was younger. We grew up together and he was always the outgoing, crazy one. But the past few years…” He secures me with an intense look and all the air leaves my lungs. “He’s been a fucking fool.”
I try to force myself to turn away but he has me pinned. Does he mean Rob was a fool for the way he treated me or something else? A fool for drinking so much? A fool for cheating on me? Sometimes I wondered if it was PTSD—post traumatic stress disorder—but his behavior went downhill way before he was ever deployed. Maybe it aggravated it, I don’t know. The military is pretty hot on it, and tries to keep a close eye on the soldiers, but they’ve only got so many resources and if someone’s in denial, what can they do?
Honestly, I suspect Rob was on the path to ruin a long time ago. With no parents and a foster home background, he was always the rebel and I guess he never let go of that.
The connection breaks between us suddenly and I drop my gaze to my feet. In an unexpected move, he snatches my hand and begins to tug me along. I stumble on the sand and giggle. I’m not sure if I’m amused or grateful the moment’s ended.
“Where are we going?”
“I dunno. Just for a walk.”
He keeps hold of my hand and I must admit, it’s a pretty nice feeling. I can’t remember the last time Rob held my hand. I shouldn’t enjoy it so much, but no one can see us, and if two friends can’t comfort each other then what’s the point of being friends?
I need to forget that this friend of mine is insanely sexy and makes my arm tingle and my… well, let’s be honest, my pussy clench.
His callused hand on mine as we stroll along the bank only increases the tingles, but it does definitely offer me comfort. Out in the sun, standing next to this gorgeous man, I could almost forget I’ve just buried my husband.
“So,” he says, “any news on the apartment?”
“Yeah, I’m waiting for the paperwork to be finalized and hopefully I’ll be moving in pretty soon. A few weeks I guess. I can’t wait.”
“That keen to get away from me, huh?”
I smack his arm playfully. “Not from you, you idiot. But definitely from the hous
e, the military. I really wasn’t a very good military wife. The sooner I’m out of there the better.”
“You could have been an amazing military wife. It’s not like that for everyone, you know? You just need to find the right guy.”
I gulp. “And it’s closer to work,” I add lamely, ignoring his pointed comment.
Was he inferring he was the right guy? God, maybe he was, once. But I’m burned. I can’t do it again. I want to forget about this part of my life and move on. Live like a normal person. No more moving and worrying, and having to make new friends and sucking up to the officers. All that rank crap. I hated it. It’s such an old fashioned notion. And some of the wives… you’d think they were the ones with the rank, not their husbands. Most of them were okay, but one or two of them just spoiled it for the rest of us.
“I’ll come give you a hand moving your stuff,” he offers.
I nod. I feel bad but I need the help. Nick is too generous and I’m going to have to figure out a way to pay him back someday. Problem is, I can’t move my couch and big stuff on my own so I need a strong guy. I don’t own enough furniture to warrant paying some moving men and putting down the deposit on the apartment wiped me out. So I’m being extra careful with my cash.
Nick leads me over to a bench set back against the woods and we sit. The silence is odd. Not uncomfortable, but strange in the way it soothes me. I hear the kids screaming across the lake but it’s so low, I just enjoy it. Normally Nick and I talk a lot but my emotions are so shot, I’m incapable of normal conversation.
“Thanks for being here, Nick,” I say quietly.
“Where else would I be?”
“I don’t know. Not hanging out with someone so pathetic.”
The numbness seems to be wearing off and I remember I need to return to an empty house. I feel pathetic. Pathetic that I couldn’t keep my husband happy. They say don’t blame yourself in relationships like we had, but you can’t help it. You wonder why you weren’t good enough. What was it that made them cheat and… and lash out.