by Petrova, Em
“Maybe… maybe we could go on a date?” she suggests shyly.
A date? Shit, I’m such a dick. I’ve slept with her, asked her to marry me, but I’ve never even taken her out on a date. I jump up and pull her close. She instantly softens into me. It makes my heart skip when she does that. I want to bundle her up against me and protect her from everything. Hide her away and never let anyone hurt her again. But I guess if anything, this stuff with Rob has proved to both of us that she’s stronger than she realizes.
“You got it, babe,” I tell her as she pulls back. “I’m taking you on a date. Maybe later you can wear those sexy red heels out too.”
She laughs. “Maybe.”
“And then maybe you can say yes to the best guy you know.”
“Nick…” She shoots me a ‘don’t go there’ look.
I shrug. “Hey, a guy can try.”
“You don’t give up easily, I’ll give you that.”
I don’t say anything as I grab my car keys and slip on my sneakers but she can be damn sure I’m not going to give up. Today I’m going to show her exactly why she should be marrying me. I grin to myself. My worry for her has been replaced by determination. Sienna doesn’t have a chance in hell. I managed to change her mind about me once. I can do it again.
Chapter Nine
Sienna
I tilt my head back and just enjoy the sun on my face. The smell of the ocean washes over me. When I raise my head, I see tankers off in the distance. The sounds of traffic and waves mingle, and I glance at the handsome man next to me.
I can’t believe he asked me to marry him. Honestly, I had to bite my tongue not to say yes. But it’s only been a month since I buried Rob. One month. Would it be disrespectful to jump into an engagement after such short time as a widow? Aren’t you meant to stay in mourning or something? Problem is, I don’t feel like I’m in mourning anymore. Not for my marriage, and not for Rob.
I am sorry. Sorry things went so wrong for him and sorry for a person so lost that he had to get involved with lowlife criminals in some weird bid to prove himself. I’m sorry I wasn’t enough for him and didn’t recognize how bad things had gotten.
But I feel happy again, for the first time in years. I’m free. And I have closure. I think I understand now why Rob married me and why he treated me the way he did. Nick’s helped me to see that. Actually he’s helped me see a lot. In a way, it wasn’t space or time that I needed to find myself again. It was just Nick.
However, just because he’s helped me, doesn’t mean I should leap into another marriage.
I pick at my burger and throw a few crumbs to the seagulls. We’re both quiet but it’s not uncomfortable. His arm rests around my shoulder, a subtle reminder of whatever is going on between us. I’m not quite sure how to classify it. Boyfriend and girlfriend? We’ve only been exploring this attraction for—what?—two days? And now he wants to marry me.
And part of me knows we would be amazing together. Heck, we already are. I’ve never had sex like it. Never wanted someone almost constantly. And never felt comfortable and loved enough to go for it. Today has been wonderful. But I knew it would be. The benefit of falling in love with your friend is you already enjoy their company. You don’t need to adjust, to put on a façade or learn new things about them. Nick is as charming and as funny and as sexy as ever.
Taking one last bite out of my burger, I offer Nick the rest and he takes it with a grin. “Not hungry?”
“Nope, I’m stuffed. I think the cotton candy did me in.”
Smile expanding, he crams it in his mouth. I shake my head as his inelegance. How I find that sexy, I have no idea.
I cradle my full stomach. I definitely overindulged today. We went down to the fair and honestly, it was like we were kids again. Going on rides, playing games, eating so much crap. Nick seems to have lost that overprotective edge and we had a blast.
“You going to want to eat out tonight?”
I ponder this. I’m pretty stuffed but he promised me a night all dolled up in my red heels. And I do want to dress up for him. So far he’s pretty much only seen me at my scruffiest. I know he’s seen me dressed up for the officer’s events but that was different. I wasn’t dressing for him. Tonight, I want to go all out.
“Yeah, but maybe I’ll stick to a salad. And no dessert.” I grimace at the idea of more sugar and we both laugh.
I must admit though, as much as I can’t wait to see him all dressed up too, I’m looking forward to a relaxed night in soon. Things have been so crazy, especially with this insane chemistry between us. I kind of miss curling up on the sofa and watching films with him.
That’s what I could have all the time if I marry him, I realize.
But what about the days when he’s gone?
“Nick?” I twist on the bench to face him. “Will you really not get sent away again?”
He looks surprised at my sudden question. I don’t know why. Surely he gets why I have reservations about being with a soldier again? But then I don’t think soldiers understand the loneliness fully. It’s all right for them. Even in the midst of a battle, they’re surrounded by their brothers.
“I won’t go to war again.” He taps his leg. “Not with this.”
“Do you want to go to war again?”
“Sort of. More ‘cause I want to be doing my part. It’s not nice sitting behind a desk while all the other guys are out there, putting themselves in danger.”
“But you still love a soldier, don’t you?”
A wistful look comes across his face. “You mean, in spite of the fact I’m pushing papers and have a busted leg?”
“I don’t mean it like that.”
“Yeah, I still enjoy it. The camaraderie, the routine. You don’t get that in any other job.”
“No, I guess you don’t.” I fail to hide my little sigh.
Nick grasps my hand resting on my lap and gives it a squeeze. “I’d give it all up for you, sweetheart. You know that, right?”
“Yeah, I do. But I won’t let you.”
As much as life with a soldier scares me—the unpredictability, the job having such jurisdiction over your life—I know it’s so much a part of Nick’s life. So much a part of Nick. He wouldn’t be who he is if he wasn’t a soldier, and if I love him, I’ve got to also love the fact he’s a soldier.
I sigh again, this time inwardly. As high as I still feel on all of this, I guess reality is starting to sink in. What we’ve had so far hasn’t been real. Days and nights in each other’s company with adrenaline and excitement driving us. I need to play it safe as much as I want to jump into his arms and say I’ll marry him.
Just for the moment.
Settle back into work and normal life, and see what happens. I assume Nick’s planning to stay a lot more at my place seeing as he’s dumped half his stuff at my apartment now. I’m surprised he hasn’t set up his X-box there yet.
The warmth of his hand on mine seeps into me and makes me lose my train of thought. When I peer up at him, he’s staring at me in that way that makes my skin tingle. Deep blue eyes take in every fragment of me, and I can’t resist lifting my free hand and running it along his rough jaw.
Damn, this man is sexy with his slightly crinkled eyes and raw features. Just looking at him makes my mouth water. And then he leans down to brush his lips across mine and steals my breath too.
Yeah, I definitely have some thinking to do. But I’m not going to do it just yet.
Tomorrow. I’ll think about marrying him tomorrow.
***
Well I haven’t had a single second to think. God, I can’t wait for this shift to end. It hasn’t been a bad one and the day shift tends to go more quickly, but knowing Nick is waiting for me back at the apartment makes my feet twitch. I itch to feel his hard body pressed against mine and his strong lips tasting my mouth.
I smile to myself and one of my colleagues catches it and shakes her head. Most of the nurses have noticed the change in me today. I feel lighter.
It’s such a cliché but it’s like I’m floating. Even dealing with a patient’s frustrated husband and a confused old man who was really angry about not being allowed to smoke didn’t faze me.
Glancing at the clock, I pat Mrs. Pohlman’s arm and hook up her N.G. tube. “I’m finishing in a minute, Mrs. Pohlman. I’ll be back in tomorrow.”
“Thank you, dear. Enjoy your time with your new boyfriend.”
My cheeks heat. I haven’t told her anything about him but I guess gossip must be flying around the ward after my time off, and I know Nick’s appearance in the lobby after I was attacked probably drew some attention.
“Thank you.”
The night shift nurses have already started to come in so we gather around the office desk at one end of the ward and start rounds. Thankfully, it’s been a quiet shift so there’s not much to tell. I can’t wait to get out of here.
“Oh, Sienna, do you know a Mandy Smith?” the head nurse, June, asks me as I get up to leave.
“I don’t think so. Why?”
“She was being admitted as I came in. She’s from Elmsworth. I just wondered if you had been friends with her.”
I rub my forehead. “I don’t think so.”
“Shame. I heard them saying she’s got no family around and her husband’s away. Suspected miscarriage.”
My heart pangs for her. “Where is she?”
“E.R.”
“I’ll pop down and see her. Maybe I can get in touch with someone from the base for her.”
“Thanks, Sienna.” June grins, a twinkle in her eye. “Enjoy your evening.”
I roll my eyes. Does everyone know about Nick? “I will. See you tomorrow.”
Grabbing my handbag, I take the lift down to the emergency department. One of the nurses directs me to a bay when I ask for her. When I find her and draw back the green plastic curtain, I’m surprised by how young she is. Probably younger than I was when I first married Rob. Twenty-one maybe.
“Mandy?”
“Yes?” Wide pale blue eyes stare at me. Her skin is ashen, her eyes sunken.
The slender blonde girl looks so scared, I want to bundle her in my arms. I come to her side and put a hand to her arm. “My name is Sienna. I used to live in Elmsworth. I was just wondering if there was anyone I could get hold of for you? I still have the numbers of a few of the military wives. One of the nurses said your husband was away?”
“He is.” Mandy bites her lip. “I don’t know anyone though. We’ve only been there a little while and my family is from Scotland.”
She looks on the verge of tears. “It’s okay, honey. I’ll stay with you.”
“They say I’m losing the baby. I begged Tom not to go. I knew this would happen.”
I draw in a breath. God, it’s so unfair. “Everything will be okay,” I assure her though I’m not sure I believe it. She’s so young. Will she ever get over the loss of her baby? Will she ever forgive her husband for going? Yes, he’s just doing his job, but it doesn’t stop the bitterness you feel, knowing the job is more important than you. I remember it well. Will I feel the same about Nick if I marry him? I know he won’t go on tour but that doesn’t mean he won’t be away and he’ll always have the military dictating his life, whatever he seems to think.
A tear escapes down her cheek and I wrap my arm around her.
“Are you still a military wife?” she asks.
“No. My-my husband died.”
“I’m sorry. Was he shot?”
“No. He died in a car accident.”
“Do you miss the military life?”
I pause as I try to think how to answer this. Do I lie and tell her it will get better? “It’s not been very long for me. But I never got into it like some women do.”
“I don’t think I ever will either.” She winces and clutches her stomach. “Oh, God, it’s all… wet… down there,” she whispers.
“Can I look? I’m a nurse.” I motion to my uniform.
Mandy nods and I lift the sheets. Blood has pooled all over the bed beneath her. Years of keeping a poker face means I don’t react but it’s not good. She’s lost a lot of blood.
“I’m just going to get a nurse.” I offer a gentle smile. “Try to relax. Everything will be fine.” I grit my jaw as I hurry to grab a nurse. I’m not so sure everything really will be fine. Problem is I don’t know if I mean Mandy or myself.
***
Nick
A key in the door rattles and I’m instantly on alert. I straighten and turn to watch Sienna enter the apartment. I’ve been on the fucking edge all day waiting for her to come home. Truthfully, I don’t know how women do it. I’ve still got some leave but I think I’m going to have to go back to work tomorrow. It’s driving me truly insane.
Of course, it doesn’t help I spent most of the day worrying about her. One brief text saying she was tied up was all I got. Even a long session at the gym didn’t help. Hell, I even cleaned up and that didn’t get rid of my tension.
She drops her bag by the door and gives me a weak smile. “Oh, you’re here. I didn’t know if you would be.”
My gut twists. Something is up. I don’t like that washy look in her eyes. What happened to being thrilled to see me? What happened to her looking like she’s ready to jump into bed with me at any moment? ‘Cause that’s pretty much how she’s been looking at me for the past few days.
“I was worried.” It comes out harsher than I meant and I feel like I’m snapping at her. “I was about to call the cops.”
“I’m sorry. I did text.” She frowns and her cheeks redden a little but I don’t think it’s with remorse. She seems angry. “I am busy, you know? I can’t just drop everything because of you.”
I stand and hold my hands up. “I didn’t mean it like that, Sienna. But you gotta realize that with everything going on I’d be concerned. One text a few hours ago didn’t really cut it.”
Sienna tugs out her ponytail and shakes loose her hair. I’m torn between pacing forward and burying my fingers in that hair, and kissing her until every ounce of anger is gone, or storming out before I lose my temper. How can she not understand how worried I was for her? It’s not like I’m being possessive. She’s just had a run-in with some dangerous criminals. Of course I’m going to be shitting myself when I don’t hear from her.
But before I can react, she glares at me and storms past into the bedroom. I follow her in.
“You’re not my keeper, Nick,” she says as she unzips her uniform.
Cute yellow polka dot panties and a matching bra greet me, and I clench my fists at my sides. I sit on the bed to prevent me from grabbing her. Christ, all that skin is enough to test any man’s strength. I hunger to start peeling her underwear off. To lick and taste each piece of skin as I reveal it, but I’m pretty sure she wouldn’t take too well to that.
She walks around me, apparently oblivious to my agony and pulls out some full-length fleece pajamas. Once they’re on, I understand why she went through that. It’s like a defense. Maybe she thinks making herself look all scruffy will put me off.
She’s wrong.
“I didn’t mean to snap, babe,” I try.
“I know,” she responds tightly, pausing to study me on her bed.
I kinda expect her to come into my arms and kiss me, but instead she turns on her heels and strides into the kitchen to put the coffee pot on. I’m forced to trail after her again like a lost puppy. It’s pretty humiliating. A damned soldier acting like a fussing housewife. Perched on the bar stool, I concentrate on sucking in breaths through my nose. I am starting to get a little irritated and I really don’t want to blow my top with her. I don’t want to blow anything right now. I’m having to tread carefully again, not quite sure whether I should advance or retreat. Damn and I thought I’d made good progress yesterday.
“What’s going on, short stuff?”
“Nothing.” She pours out a coffee. “You want one?”
“No.” I know she’s using it as a distraction.
Adding milk and sugar to her coffee, she barely looks at me. Her body is rigid, her eyes dimmed. This girl… I remember her. This was what she looked like when she’d been forced to put up with another of Rob’s shenanigans. Resigned and hopeless. I never believed I’d see her looking like that around me.
“Sienna, I know you and I know something’s up. Just tell me what’s going on.”
I reach across to grasp her hand but she clenches it around her cup. Taking a small sip, she closes her eyes, opens them and places the coffee down on the counter.
“I don’t think I can do this.”
I cock my head, unsure if I heard right. She said it so quietly. “Do what?”
“This. Us.” She motions between us. “I don’t know if I can do it.”
Fuck. I reach around and rub the back of my neck. I was waiting for this in a way but after yesterday, I’d convinced myself it wasn’t going to happen. I thought she was confident enough in herself now—and in us—to move on.
“What’s changed? You knew what you were getting into before so why the sudden change of heart? Don’t you love me?”
I watch the fragile skin of her neck gulp and I want to kick myself for my harsh tone. I’ve fought so hard to make her mine and I can feel her slipping through my fingers. It was torture before, loving her and not being able to have her, but I’m not sure I’ll survive knowing she loves me, remembering what it’s like to have her in my arms, while not being able to have her as mine.
Tears sparkle when she lifts her gaze to mine. “Of course I love you. But all this… it’s been crazy. I need some time, Nick. I’ve only just buried Rob—”
The mention of him makes my nostrils flare. “Rob,” I spit and stand, my stool screeching back. “You use him as an excuse not to get close to me. You never loved him like you love me, so why does he always get brought into this? I am not Rob.”
“I know you’re not. I’m not stupid, but I suffered for five years in a loveless marriage. Do you know how horrible it is knowing you’re not enough for someone? Lying in bed knowing they’re fucking someone else? Seeing the disappointment in their eyes when they realize what they’ve married? He made me weak and pathetic and I can’t let myself get like that. In spite of it all, I still worried for him, still found myself fearful of him getting shot. And I don’t even know why! It’s because I’m fucking weak, Nick, and I can’t do that again.”