by Petrova, Em
Even his mother had invited him and Jordana to come to Le Coeur for dinner next week. It only took the woman three weeks to finally accept they were a couple. Better late than never. Or moreover, better to be late on her good side than forever on her bad. Which reminded Jordana to mention something. “About the dinner with your mom, I can do Friday night. I know Saturday is better for you, but Casey and I are looking at apartments together that afternoon. It’s the only time he can go.”
“He’s moving?”
“I am. Remember? My lease is up in January and they’re raising the rent, so I’m going on the hunt for a new place.”
“I almost forgot. Whereabouts are you looking?” He smiled as pulled her between his legs, her back to his front, and began nuzzling her ear. “Closer to me, I hope.”
She snuggled into his embrace. “You and I both know apartments around your neighborhood are out of my range. Way out.”
“Hmm. I really dislike how far you have to drive to my house.”
“Everywhere in the Bay is a drive. I’m probably going to stay in San Jose, unless I can find a steal or a sublease near work. Sometimes miracles happen.”
He brushed a hand down her arm and pressed a soft kiss on her bare shoulder. She closed her eyes with a smile, reaching back to grasp his neck. His warmth and masculine scent comforted and excited her at the same time. Part of her wanted to kick off her heels and let his hands roam wherever they wanted.
However, she knew if she gave him an inch, Logan would run away with it for miles. He’d have her naked and panting and grasping for him, and she’d show up at the party representing the walk of all shame.
“What if,” he said, his voice low as he grazed her neck, giving her goose bumps, “I found you a place close to me…and I took care of it?”
Still in a haze from his wandering hand and lips, she arched as he explored her body. “What do you mean?”
“There are one or two empty lofts in the building Miranda and Phillip live in, and that’s only ten minutes away from me. Or I can find you an apartment in Sausalito, right on the Bay. Neil has a houseboat out there. It’d be less of you on the road and more of you on me.”
She chuckled as he hooked her waist with one arm and slid his other palm up her thigh. She could feel his desire rising—and a particular part hardening on her backside—and it took some strength to keep her focus. “I have to be realistic, Logan.”
“This is realistic. You put in whatever you’re paying now, and I’ll make up the rest.”
She froze. Stunned at the fact he was offering such a thing. “Logan, you’re kidding, right?”
“I’m not,” he answered in a sensuous tone, brushing his fingers over her breast.
Forcing herself to pull away from his arms, she turned to face him from the other side of their seat. Her body still tingled from his touch. “I can’t believe you would suggest something like this. Pay my rent?”
He shrugged as if he’d offered to give her change for the parking meter. “Part of it, not all. It’s a logical solution. Your lease is up, you have to move, and I’d rather your home be closer to me than even farther away. Plus, if you relocate in my area, it’ll also cut your commute to work. And you wouldn’t have to worry about paying more rent than you do now.”
She gaped at him, caught between incredulity at his idea, bafflement at his casual tone, and a trifle bit of anger. Maybe he’d read her wrong, but she didn’t need anyone’s help to pay her rent. Or any bill, for that matter. Just when she was about to tell him to forget it, the car door opened, and Tom stood smiling with an outstretched hand.
She hadn’t even realized they’d made it to the party. Logan leaned across the seat and kissed her quickly. “We’ll work this out later.”
Thrusting her shock aside, she let Tom help her out of the limo.
Lifting her lashes to the beautiful mansion standing before them, her mouth dropped open in awe. The home looked like something out of a Christmas card. A single candle glowed in every window, and the hugest wreath she’d ever seen hung on the door. Two young men dressed as Tchaikovsky’s nutcrackers flanked the front entrance, while the hum of music and laughter just beyond lured guests in. In unison, the uniformed guards moved to open the doors for her and Logan.
He came up beside her, hand on her back. “I love how you never pretend to be unimpressed by your surroundings.”
“I have yet to be.”
He chuckled as the doors swept open.
Every inch of the mansion had been decorated down to the minutest of details. It was as if she’d stepped into a holiday wonderland. The general splendor of the party, the magic of the season, and being among good friends forced her to put a pause on the apartment conversation.
She burned to finish the discussion, but she didn’t want to spoil the mood. He was likely shooting out the idea without giving it real consideration, knowing full well she would never take him up on it.
Like when she refused to borrow one of his cars. And the time she mentioned missing the burgers at a dive bar in her hometown in Iowa, and he offered to fly her there. For burgers!
Logan would take any small gesture and throw it a hundred times further than it needed to go. She adored his enthusiasm, but she’d learned there were times when she had to bring him back down to earth. Not that she didn’t enjoy being with him in the clouds once in a while.
“Have you noticed all the green in the room?” Miranda asked as she came up beside Jordana later on, dropping a piece of chocolate into her hand.
“Green?”
Miranda nodded toward Logan, who was standing among a group of men on the other side of the room. “Mm-hm, all the women just green with envy that Logan Savant is off the market. They aren’t jealous just because it’s Logan, but also at the way he looks at you, dotes on you. No other gal has captured him the way you have. It’s unprecedented.”
Jordana gave a small smile. “I’m a lucky girl.”
“Ha! Don’t be modest. He’s the lucky one. I knew it the first night you came over for the fight. He tried oh so very hard to pretend he didn’t care that I wanted to set you up, and he completely denied it when I asked him if he was interested in you as more than a friend. What a dork. Lied right to my face!”
“Well, your offer to set me up had him make a move on me that very night.” She took a small bite of the chocolate with a private smile as Logan looked over at her and winked.
“Then I consider that a successful, though indirect, match. Speaking of moves, he mentioned you’re searching for new digs. He’s pretty excited you could be living in our neck of the woods. Did he tell you about our place? You’ve got to come by and see one of the lofts. Phillip and I love it there. Room to breathe, sane neighbors.”
He’d already mentioned her moving to his friends? That meant he still considered his idea a “logical” one, after all. Even though they’d only talked about it for less than thirty seconds! She withheld her ire. “I’m pretty sure I’m going to stay in San Jose.”
“Oh, okay. Well, just let me know. I’d be happy to get you in touch with the Realtor.”
“Thanks, Miranda,” she smiled as the pretty brunette kissed her cheek. Glancing over, she caught Logan’s eye and watched as he excused himself to make his way toward her.
He smiled, his dimple deepening as he brought her into his arms. “Ready to go home? I think I’ve had enough jolliness for one night.”
Funny he should say home, as if his was hers. She offered her best smile, but she was unable to hide some of her distress in her eyes, and he noticed. “Everything all right?” he asked.
“Yes,” she lied.
He hooked a finger under her chin and forced her to meet his gaze. “Are you sure?”
She nodded, knowing she shouldn’t be dishonest, but this wasn’t the time or place to bring it up.
He skimmed a hand down her face. “Jordana, there’s something I need to tell you.” He spoke in a tender tone. “Something I’ve wanted to tell
you for a while now.”
Her heart seized in her chest and then pounded erratically as she searched his gaze, wondering if he was finally going to say what she longed to hear.
His expression serious as he searched her gaze, he said, “I—”
“Savant.” Neil slapped a hand on Logan’s shoulder. “Do me a favor and give us a ride home? I’ve had a few, and I hate calling a cab this far out of town.”
“Sure. We’re heading out now.”
“Thanks. We’ll meet you out front.”
Jordana could kick Neil for his terrible timing, but she hoped the little interruption wouldn’t stop Logan from finishing what he was going to say.
The ride to Neil’s houseboat took forever, but once he and his date were out of the limo, Jordana practically held her breath waiting. She looked at him and smiled. “So, what were you going to tell me?”
He squeezed her hand and then moved to sit in the opposite seat, resting his elbows on his knees, looking down.
Her hopes started to sink. It wasn’t going to be what she thought. “Logan?”
“Your book. You should be so proud of yourself because the only reason you got a contract is because you’re talented, you went for it, and you earned it. There are so many others who never go for their dreams. The fact you did made me admire you so much more, Jordana.” He met her gaze. “When you told me you were offered a three-book deal with Triton, I wasn’t surprised at all. One, because you becoming a published author was obviously a matter of time. And two…” He paused and shifted his gaze away. “Because I made a phone call.”
She’d hoped for a confession quite different from the one he just made, was confused why he was bringing up her book contract, and then it took her a moment to digest his words. Resting her hands on the edge of the seat, she asked, “What do you mean, you made a phone call?”
He tugged at his tie, loosening it. “An imprint of Triton Press is based here in San Francisco, called Triton View. They focus on design, art, pop culture, and children’s books. Did you know that?”
She shook her head. “I only knew about their main headquarters in New York. That’s where I was directed to submit the manuscript.”
“And in New York was where your book sat in a pile, still waiting to be read. Triton View is located in the financial district, just a few blocks from my building. I’ve known a few editors come and go just through networking—”
“Are you telling me you knew one of the editors and called them about my manuscript?”
“All I did was request that your story be pushed to the head of the line. When you broke things off, I went out of my mind missing you. I wanted to do something for you that would make you happy. I’d hoped if and when they offered you a contract, you would reach out to me again. Honestly, I’d planned to tell you right away. And then that mess with the photos and my mother happened, and I didn’t care either way if what I’d done helped you.” He sighed. “When you told me the news, you were so ecstatic…I just couldn’t tell you what I did.”
The oxygen left her lungs. “I don’t believe this.” It crushed her more than he knew. For the first time in a long time, she’d thought she accomplished something wonderful on her own. Now, it didn’t feel as special. Unable to take his guilty gaze, she stared at the floor.
“Jordana, you got the contract because you deserved it. If your work had been garbage, no amount of favors would’ve sold it.”
She was quiet for a minute, torn. “What kind of favor did you offer?”
“I simply promised to introduce her to someone. Not a big deal at all. It was nothing.”
“Nothing? The fact you didn’t mention this until now is something to me.”
“Jordana.”
She looked at him, at a loss. “It doesn’t feel the same knowing you made this happen.”
He shook his head. “Only in part.”
“But I didn’t ask you for your help. When I told you I’d gotten a contract with Triton, you pretended to be surprised. There I was, so gullible and thrilled to have achieved something I’d dreamed of for years, but I didn’t earn it. You did. You could’ve told me, Logan.”
“What does it matter? What good are my connections if I can’t use them?”
“You still don’t understand. I don’t want your connections or influence. You’ve given me so much and introduced me to a world I never thought I would be a part of.” She dropped her gaze. “And now you’re telling me you played a part in getting me published. Our relationship isn’t equal, and I don’t like that.”
His dark brows furrowed. “Are we in some kind of competition? I’m doing what I thought a man in a relationship is supposed to do. Giving you things, taking you places. It’s all I know.” He reached for her hand, tracing his thumb across her knuckles. “I finally have someone I want to do all of these things with and for.” She resisted, but he wouldn’t let go. “Are you really that upset?”
Her heart pounded, and all the emotions and questions she’d been struggling with the past month came to the surface. “It isn’t Triton alone. It’s everything. That you suggested I borrow a car you own. That I should get a place closer to you and you’ll help me with the rent. I don’t need my boyfriend controlling my life, no matter how much richer he is than me.”
He drew his brows together, slightly shaking his head. “Controlling your life is the last thing I’d ever want, but why can’t I offer these things to you? Is it that awful?”
“It’s that unequal.”
He flinched, tone hardening. “I hope you aren’t referring to money. This is our relationship we’re talking about, not some business transaction. Do you really think I care about the measure of our bank accounts?”
She looked away, one feeling compounding over another. Insecurities taking hold. “I’m not talking about financially.” Stomach tied in knots, she forced her hand from his. “I’m scared, Logan. I’m scared I’ll lose myself in you. That if we keep going, everything I have will be because of you and the one thing I want the most, I won’t get.” The words were coming out of her mouth before she could give them much thought. “I try to get close to you, to really know who you are. I can feel the weight of this enormous pressure you carry around with you. The price you pay to be Logan Savant, the CEO. But everyone knows him. When you shut me out, I don’t know what to say or do, and it makes me feel as if you’ll give me everything except what I want most.”
A period of silence grew between them, clouding the small space with tension. “All right,” he said, a stricken expression darkening his blue eyes. “What do you want?”
Swallowing the heat closing her throat, her voice came out scratched. “I want you to open up to me, tell me how you feel about us, how you feel about anything. Even after what we’ve been through, I still feel a disconnect between us. Like I did before.”
“Jordana, you want me to cry on your shoulder and spill my guts about my problems? I don’t do that. With anyone.”
Frustration bubbled inside her. “Why not? If you can’t share yourself completely with me, then maybe we are too different, because that’s what I want.”
He sighed, sitting back. “I see. I’ve never been with such a complicated woman.”
That stung. “What’s so complicated about my wanting to be close to you?” Frustrated, she added, “Maybe you should be with someone who won’t ask for more than your body and your wallet—”
“I don’t want the kind of woman you’re describing. I’ve met countless of them. I want you. I’ll give you everything, Jordana. Except what I think you’re asking for.”
Love. I’m asking for love. Tears began to burn behind her eyes, but she refused to get too emotional about this in front of him.
“I think you spent so much time taking care of Zack, you don’t know what to do when a man can take care of himself and you at the same time. Is that what you want? A man to depend on you?”
“I’m not talking about a dependent relationship. Haven’t you ever ne
eded someone to be there for you? There’s a difference.” The last word came out broken.
“I don’t need anyone,” he declared with curtness. “I can’t be like that. It’s not who I am. I will do almost anything for you, but there are limits with me. Don’t ask for something I’m not capable of.”
She finally jerked her gaze to his. “I think you are capable of it. You just refuse to let me in.”
A long stretch of silence passed between them as he dragged his gaze to the window. “Maybe I can’t feel for you the way you want me to.”
A proverbial slap in the face. Throat closing, too afraid to speak, she pressed her lips together, lest she start crying. Maybe he couldn’t love her. Perhaps he wasn’t capable of it, after all. That hurt more than anything.
“Let me take you home,” he said, and he directed Tom to head toward her place instead of his.
Neither spoke for the rest of the drive.
Logan walked her to up to her apartment, ever the gentleman, but didn’t say anything, didn’t kiss her or hug her. After she unlocked her door, she looked at him over her shoulder.
Their eyes held for a moment, before he headed down the steps.
Chapter Twenty-Six
Thunder rumbled and promised more rain. It’d come down all weekend without end, continuing into Sunday afternoon. The dark clouds wouldn’t break for the sun for even a minute. In a shadow of a mood, Logan crossed his living room after a vigorous run in the rain. With so many windows and no sunshine coming in, his home sat as pallid and lifeless as the weather. He swiped a towel over his face and neck then grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge, his thoughts no clearer than before he went running.
She’d accused of him not sharing himself with her, but he’d never been more open with anyone in his life.