by S. J. Sylvis
He whispers, “I’ve always cared, Sadie.” My eyes are as round as saucers. I walk right up to him and slap him in the face, the sound of skin on skin ricocheting through the summer air.
I’m so surprised at my action that my hand automatically covers my mouth.
“Oh my God! I’m sorry! I didn’t mean for that to happen.” I feel my eyelashes tickle the skin just beneath my eyebrows from my flabbergasted expression.
Rowen doesn’t say anything for what seems like hours. He just keeps his head tilted in the direction that I slapped him. I’m afraid to move. Things are becoming even more awkward than before and I didn’t even know that was possible.
“Rowen, I’m—”
“Please don’t say you’re sorry again.” My mouth closes, and I’m confused as he turns towards me. His eyes are glossed over so much that I can’t even see gold specks inside the brown hue. “You have absolutely nothing to be sorry for. You could slap me five hundred more times, and that still wouldn’t even be close to what I deserve.” Pain pierces my chest. As much as I hate everything that has happened between us, I still don’t want him to hurt. I just can’t help it. It’s like my heart can’t handle to see him in pain.
He blinks for a long time before saying, “I just wanted to make sure you were okay, because I knew that you diving in and saving that boy had to have brought back some awful memories. I know I have no right to care, but I do. I can’t help it.” I don’t respond, because I’m afraid to talk. If I talk, I don’t know what will come out.
He takes his hands and rubs them over his scruff in a tired manner and I suddenly feel tired, too, nausea swarming through my midriff. I stand there, taking deep breaths staring at Rowen’s white t-shirt, but the only thing going through my head is a replay of the little boy drowning and then a man in a black ski mask.
“Sadie?” Rowen’s voice is rough, and then I look up and feel a sudden rush of comfort. I’m fine, it’s fine. I’m alive, standing and breathing. I’m fine.
“Yeah… ” I whisper. “It did, but I’m fine.”
He tilts his head and looks at me. Like, really looks at me.
“I like your hair.” He says as a matter-of-factly. What?
“Are you trying to distract me from a state of panic?” I chuckle at his attempt.
“That depends… did it work?”
“A little.” He gives me a tiny smile and my heart flutters. I need to get out of here.
“I gotta go.” I brush past him, and he stands there and waits a few seconds before coming around the front of his truck to my car window.
“Sadie… ” I look up at him and meet the worry forming on his face. His forehead is scrunched, and I see the hollowness under his eyes. “Do you think you’ll ever be able to forgive me?” There’s almost no hope in his voice and it makes my stomach knot up.
“That depends, Rowen… ” I look out the windshield and hear the rumble of my car’s engine. “Do you want to be forgiven?”
He doesn’t answer, so I put my car in reverse and back out of my parking spot, giving him one last glance. Pain is all I see.
Eight
My parents are beaming with at fact that I’m going to the downtown music festival with Hannah Marie and Anna. I mean, like, they were basically jumping for joy that I was actually hanging out with friends. Real, live friends.
“Have fun, honey! And be careful.” My mom gives me a tight squeeze and a kiss on the cheek. I shake my head a little as a grin forms on my face. It’s refreshing to be back in my old stomping grounds without feeling like I’m going to shatter at someone’s look.
When I step outside, I’m greeted by the simmering sunshine. The humidity in the air has already put a wave in my freshly straightened hair. I decided to think outside the box today and dress a little less homely than I have been this past year. I used to use clothes as a shield, just like with my long hair, but today, I decided that I’m done with that. I’m done with feeling guarded. It may have something to do with the small interactions that Rowen and I have been having. I feel a little less… trapped.
I adjust my black floral maxi skirt so it’s straight on my hips. It has a long slit going up the side, so it actually shows off my legs… ooh la la. I paired it with a white tank top that shows some of my midriff, and I finally dug out my old sunhat from two summers ago. I have to admit, I actually look pretty good. I look like my normal self: the old Sadie. She may be a little rusty, but she’s still in here somewhere.
“Holy shit! Look at you! Hot mama!” Anna runs out of the car and throws her bare arms around my neck. “I’ve missed you so much, Sadie!” I manage a choking laugh as she basically traps all of my air with her death grip.
“I’ve missed you, too, Anna.” I say as she finally lets go of me. I still feel the clawing of guilt from shutting them out of my life working up my back, but I ignore it. I don’t want to ruin the day with my depressed feelings.
Anna drags me back to Hannah’s jeep. “We have loads to catch up on… ” I raise my eyebrows, preparing myself for a ton of gossip.
Chris Stapleton’s voice booms from the makeshift wooden stage in the town square, and I can’t help but feel at ease. His voice echoes around my tiny body and I find myself actually having a good time. I honestly forgot how much fun Anna and Hannah Marie are. They’re hilarious and two peas in a pod, even more so now that they’ve been to college together for an entire year.
“Want some?” I look over to my right and Hannah is sipping from her sparkling pink flask. I tilt my head to the side and give her a tiny nod. I don’t really drink a whole lot, especially because I’m not even twenty-one, but I did drink some at Duke and it was always a nice, blissful feeling.
Before the attack, Rowen, Samantha, and I would always sneak her mom’s Seagram wine coolers from the fridge and chug them. We would then, out of extremely poor judgment, jump on her trampoline in her gigantic backyard. It was fun, until that time I jumped so much that I puked in her rose bush. Rowen held my hair back and I was so embarrassed, chanting that I’d never drink again. Expectedly, that didn’t’ last long.
I take a sip from the flask and my throat burns as the liquid flows down it. I basically cough up a lung and realize that it’s Vodka, and it’s disgusting. I’m more of a Vodka and orange juice type of girl. I don’t just sip straight Vodka. I cough and sputter even louder as the liquid burns my stomach.
“Jesus, Hannah. What have you gotten into since college? Die-hard Vodka drinker now?” I gasp through my blurry eyes.
She giggles, “No, but Anna and I definitely had a field day at the frat parties.”
Hannah and Anna both go to NC State, which is actually really close to Duke. It’s kind of pitiful that we never got together the entire year we were at college. We exchanged texts and said we’d hang out, but we never did. I was too caged up in my own dramatic state.
“So, how was Duke? Did you like it? Meet any hotties?” Anna asks after taking a rather large gulp from the glittery flask, shimmering in the sun.
“Duke was… perfect.” A smile overtakes my face, “But, no, my roommate and I both wanted to be single and have fun our freshman year and not be tied down by any guys.” They nod in sync.
“So… we heard that you and Rowen are working together.” I roll my eyes. But I have to admit, it took them longer than I expected to bring him up.
“Does everyone know?” They look at each other, and then back at me, nodding as they held in a laugh.
I growl, “Of course they do.” Situating myself in the grass, I say, “I’m not going to lie; its awkward working with him, but I’m adjusting.” And that’s the truth. I’ll leave out the rest, though.
“We haven’t seen Rowen since Kevin’s end-of-the-year party last summer, and let me tell you what… ” Hannah shakes her head, fixating her gaze on the stage up ahead. “You missed one epic showdown between him and Samantha.”
I physically cringe at Samantha’s name and the fact that her name was in the same sentence as Rowen’s. I sa
y nothing and Hannah carries on with her story.
“I don’t know exactly what happened with you and Samantha, but consider yourself lucky that you’re not friends anymore.” That would be one word to describe her.
Not wanting to sound too eager, I calmly ask, “What happened with Rowen and Samantha?” I would probably know if I had a social media account, but I deleted it soon after Rowen and I stopped talking. I didn’t want to become obsessed with checking what he was into, and honestly, I didn’t want to see those annoyingly happy, magazine-worthy pictures of him and Samantha together. It would take me straight to the freaking grave.
Hannah Marie sat up straight, crossing her legs. “Okay, okay, okay. Well, Samantha was standing in the kitchen, you know the big fancy one in Kevin’s pool house?” She didn’t wait for me to answer, “Well, she was blasting off about how Rowen left you for her, and they were just taking things slow since the whole… ya know, and they didn’t want to rub it in your face.” A smile forms on Hannah’s lips as she tells Anna to take over.
I whip my head quickly at Anna, anxiously wanting her to get on with the story. “Hannah and I both knew she was full of shit and there had to be more of the story, but we still sat there and listened to her basically describe how shitty of a friend she was, and then… ” She pauses, grinning evilly. “Rowen flipped. His. Shit.” She looks over at me with her wide, brown eyes and all I can feel is my heart beating so fast I think it’s going to fly out of my ribcage.
“He was standing behind her the entire time, and then he yelled at her. Like, really yelled. He said that she was full of shit and that she was, and I quote,” Hannah takes her hands and forms pretend quotations with her fingers, “‘a shitty fucking friend, and Sadie deserves better.’ Seriously, the look on Samantha’s face was priceless, Sadie. She was mortified. Her face turned about ten shades of red, and her eyes were so big I thought they were literally going to pop out of her head.”
Hannah and Anna start to laugh all over again, but I can’t even muster up a fake laugh. I just sit, confused as hell about what I just heard. I threw it in Rowen’s face that he and Samantha dated or were still dating, and he didn’t correct me. He didn’t say anything. Why?
“So, he and Samantha didn’t date?” I ask, and I’m irritated that my voice is full of hope.
“Apparently not. We aren’t sure of the whole story because we were too afraid to ask Rowen, and then Samantha’s family moved shortly after she left for college, so she hasn’t been back, not that she would give us any information anyway. She always hated us.” She did. She despised Hannah Marie and Anna. She said they were “annoying” and “too girly” for her taste, but really, I think she just hated that I had friends other than just her.
For the next few hours we listen to the music, catch up on all the gossip that doesn’t involve me (thankfully), and we make plans for my birthday, too. The night flies by and I don’t get home until after ten. I go straight to my room, mumbling an excuse that I’m tired (but really I was hiding the alcohol on my breath, and Hannah Marie was so drunk she had to leave her jeep at the park and walk home). When I finally dive into bed, hoping to fall into a deep slumber, I can’t. Thoughts of Rowen and Samantha keep clashing together, leaving me to toss and turn all night.
Nine
“Wake up, birthday girl!!” I shoot up out of bed to the sound of one of those birthday noisemaker things.
“Oh my GOD!” I take my pillow and throw it over my head, getting away from the obnoxious noise coming from my dad.
“Oh, come on, Sadie. You used to love when I did this.”
I peek my head out from my pillow and grimace. “I loved it when I was, like, seven, Dad. Not nineteen.” But the truth is, I still kind of love it.
My mom saunters into my room wearing her pink cotton robe with her hair pulled up into a bun. She’s holding a piece of cake with a candle in the middle, flame flickering with each step, and my dad joins in on her birthday song. I sit up slowly and smile at the pair of them. I used to hate that I was an only child, but now I think I love it. I don’t think I’d be this close with my parents if I had other siblings. I get all the love to myself.
I take a tiny bite of the chocolate goodness, and it melts on my tongue. I stifle a little moan. So, so good and so worth being woken up at the crack of dawn by an obnoxious noisemaker.
“Okay, what are you plans for after work? Anything?” My mom is sitting on my bed, watching me take bites of the cake she made.
“No, I’m going to come straight home, but tomorrow night I’m going to an early 4th of July party with Hannah Marie and Anna.” I’m somewhat excited, especially now that I know that Samantha won’t be there. She is really the only true reason that I have avoided so many get-togethers involving more people and now that I know she’s moved away, I couldn’t be happier.
“Well, don’t forget this isn’t your 21st birthday, little missy.” I roll my eyes at my dad’s pretend stern voice. He’s leaning against the doorframe with a playful scowl on his face. My dad is one of those dads that likes to act all protective and scary but the truth is, he probably wouldn’t hurt a fly. He can’t help but be friendly to anyone and everyone. Try going to the grocery store with him; it takes twice the normal amount of time because he strikes up a conversation with evvverryone. Even the produce guy.
“I won’t, Dad.” I climb out of bed and start getting ready for work, bombarded by continued random noisemaker sounds and the awful singing of my dad, popping his head in my room to sing me happy birthday, again.
When I get to work, I try my hardest to hide and blend in so no one remembers it’s my birthday, but Sash ruins that the second he walks into the employee room. He announces that it’s my birthday and hands me a gift, allowing my face to turn crimson, matching my lovely bathing suit. Everyone’s eyes are on me and I fight the urge to cover my face. But, no one really lingers on my scar for too long and I don’t even recoil. Maybe turning nineteen is like turning over a new leaf.
When I reach inside the bag and pull out the white tissue paper, I feel something hard and cool against my fingers. I bring it out and have to cover my mouth, subduing a laugh.
“Seriously?” I look at Sash and he’s holding in his laugh, too.
“What is it?” Hallie exclaims, and I turn the picture around and show everyone. It’s a black frame encasing a picture of me on my lifeguarding chair, looking out into the pool. Then right in the center are the words, “Country Club Hero Saves Little Boy From Drowning!” with the date underneath.
“I can’t believe you did this.” I glance at Sash, who’s beaming.
“Oh yes. We are hanging it right here.” He already has his nail and hammer out, ready to pound it into the wall beside the clock in machine.
I laugh and shake my head. “Thanks, Sash.” Just as I get the words out, Rowen walks in—late.
“Cutting it close; Only one minute until you’re supposed to clock in.” Sash’s voice booms with authority, but Rowen just rolls his perfect brown eyes.
“What’s that?” he asks as he watches Sash hammer into the wall.
“Sadie’s birthday present.” Sash motions to the picture frame that he has taken from my hands.
Rowen takes in the picture frame, a small smile playing at his lips. I can’t get away from him faster if I tried. I dodge any conversation Rowen wants to have by heading directly for my lifeguarding stand. Once I settle on my perch hoping that no one decides to drown today, I tentatively glance in his direction. He looks away quickly, and I’m left to avoid him all day, again.
By the end of my shift, I only managed to make eye contact with Rowen twice. Once while we were switching lifeguarding stands and again in one of my sweeping glances as I checked the area for anything exciting. And I have to admit, a thrill went through my body the second our eyes locked. It’s amazing that after everything we’ve been through, he can still make my body do unspeakable things.
Once again when I reach my car to go home, Rowen is wa
iting for me, right beside that damn truck. My shoulders slump in defeat. Why can’t he just go home before me, for once? That would have been the perfect birthday present.
Not wanting to play this game today, I stand directly in front of him, waiting for whatever in particular it is that he wants to get off his chest tonight. I cross my arms over my chest and stare at his body. His arms are behind his back and he seems… nervous.
“Here… ” He pulls his arms in front of him and he’s holding a small, white cardboard box. I slowly take it from him and open it up, my throat closing. I’m taken back to one of my favorite memories with him: my seventeenth birthday.
I had a “small” birthday party; basically everyone from my class was invited. My mom ordered pizza and she made a cake. I didn’t even get a piece of it because I was too busy making sure that my dad wasn’t embarrassing me in front of everyone with his numerous knock-knock jokes. I was a complete basket case because it was the first time Rowen came to my house. My parents knew that we had been dating, but at this point in our relationship we had only gone on a few dates—the movies, football games, things like that. Nothing major.
The party ended well. My dad didn’t embarrass me too much, Rowen and I were casual in our affection, and the night was filled with laughter and too much cake. Once everyone left, and I said a brief goodbye to Rowen, my parents eyeing us the entire time, and went straight to my room, exhausted.
It was nearly midnight when my phone vibrated on my night table. I reached over and opened it up. Rowen’s name was flashing. When I answered, he was completely out of breath and told me to open up my window, so I did as he asked, flabbergasted. I walked over to my one window, with him still on the phone, and slowly slid my fingers below the wooden windowsill and pushed it up. I looked down and saw nothing until I heard a “psst.” Right in front of me was Rowen, sitting in the giant oak tree just outside my window.
I shrieked. “Rowen, what are you doing?”