by S. J. Sylvis
I hear him spit into his cup, “She used to say, ‘You can forgive but never forget.’”
I say nothing to James and I just let it sink in. I surely won’t ever forget anything that happened that night, or before. No matter how many times I prayed to God and wished that I could somehow erase the memories of Rowen and I, it never worked. I even went so far as to Google witches to see if they were real and could cast some strange, wicked spell on me to forget everything. (FYI- there aren’t any. Not in North Carolina, at least.)
“Now, my mom was a lot of things. She was a little crazy, but those words; those are some true spoken words from a lady who had been through hell and back. Take it from her; forgivin’ doesn’t mean forgetting. It just means you let go.” I met his eyes and I suddenly found myself shaking my head. He’s right, maybe I do just need to let go.
“A big ol storm is comin’, guys!” Sash is jumping with joy as he looks out at the wicked sky. The sun is still peeking through the clouds, but in the distance black and grey clouds swarm; it almost looks as if we are in the movie with the huge tornado that takes down houses.
“Why are you so excited?” I ask, perplexed. He is acting like a five-year-old about to go to the county fair.
“Because… ” He swings around and pushes his aviators on his head. “We get out of work if it storms andddd… that means I get to go muddin’ later.” My eyebrows dip.
“You go mudding?” I exclaim. I can’t picture it. Sash is just… not the type that looks like he’d go muddin’. He wears aviators, always has his brown hair slicked back to perfection, his face shaven clean… not the muddin’ type I’m used to seeing.
“Uh, yeah. It’s fun. You should come with me sometime.”
Before I can answer, Rowen coughs and then mumbles, “Are you really asking out your employee. Isn’t that, like… against the work employment laws.” My face instantly heats up.
“Uh, I’m only her boss for, like, one more week.” Sash quips in Rowen’s direction.
Morgan interrupts. “Plus, they’re only like two years apart, Rowen. It’s not that weird.” She comes to stands beside me and she has her hands on her hips like she’s ready to go to battle, over something so ridiculous… Sash and I mudding. How did we even get to this conversation?
I peek over at Rowen as he incoherently mumbled, “Whatever.”’ and I can see his jaw muscles flexing. I half expect steam to come out of his ears by the anger rolling off his body. But, he has no right to be angry. He and I… we’re history. Ugly, scary, overwhelmingly sad history.
“Maybe I will go mudding with you. I’ve never been,” I say, giving Rowen a sideways look. Take that, Rowen!
“It’s fun! Okay, break’s over. Get back to your stands and whenever we feel the first rain drop we’ll kick those annoying kids out.” We all laugh and know exactly which group of kids he’s talking about.
Unfortunately, I’ve learned that the club is full of rich families who pawn their kids off to the pool so they can drink at the minibar and go golfing. The kids are spoiled rotten and they act like they’re privileged, which annoys me to absolutely no end.
Within minutes of me getting to my stand, it starts to thunder and Morgan blows her whistle. “Pool’s closed!” she yells and every single kid gives a groan in protest. We all hurry underneath the canopy area, gathering our stuff when it starts to downpour. This is a wicked one. The parking lot is already looking like a mini pond.
“Alright, I’m making a run for it.” Sash says as he pulls down his aviators, I guess to shield his eyes from the rain.
“Me too,” perks Hallie and everyone else agrees, except me.
“I’m gonna wait it out. Is that okay?” I say in the direction of Sash.
“Of course, but you know how it is down here. When it rains, it pours.”
“Don’t I know it,” I say, meaning that in every way possible.
“I’m gonna wait it out, too.” Rowen says as he strides up beside me. Sash’s head jerks back and forth between the two of us and I roll my eyes a little in the direction of Rowen. I guarantee he’s only waiting because I am. He wants to stand here and be in this miserable atmosphere, laced with awkwardness, that the two of us set off every time we’re near each other.
“Okay, whatever. See you guys tomorrow.” Sash says as he darts out into the rain. I watch the rest of my co-workers follow suit, laughing and squealing as the rain pounds on their backs.
For minutes, Rowen and I just stand under the blue canopy, feet apart, not saying a word. Just listening to the rain pound vigorously against the cover. The air is filled with the smell of a good ol’ southern rain and chlorine from the pool. I try my hardest to concentrate on the drops and how they fall so carelessly from the sky, but the tension, even in this large area, is suffocating. This is how it’s been with us the entire summer, and I’m thankful I have only one more week here. I don’t have to endure this anymore once I’m back at Duke.
“I think I’m going to try to run to my car,” I say, looking out at the darkened sky. The clouds above us are about to unleash an even harder downpour, which will more than likely accompanied by lightning and booming thunder. The temperature has dropped dramatically in the few minutes we’ve been standing here and I can’t help but associate it with the two of us, out in the open. I feel like I’m about to unleash my own storm onto Rowen; there’s just something in the air. It’s making me antsy and the more I hold it in, the more I feel like I’m going to explode.
“Yeah, okay. Me, too.”
“Ugh!” I yell, and I grab my hair and pull it to the side when I look at him. “You’re only waiting because I am!” I stare him down, hoping to make him uncomfortable but his deep brown eyes, just stare back at me. Unmoving, unnerving.
“Yeah, so?” He questions, as a matter-of-fact.
“You’re just tormenting me,” I utter as I step out into the open area. I instantly feel the coldness on my bare shoulders and a chill sets over my entire body. Just as I’m taking off to my car, I hear the thunderous noise from above. I was right; this storm is unleashing.
“Sadie!!” I hear Rowen’s demanding voice right behind me, and I flip around when he grabs my arm. My wet hair smacks against my face.
I look down at his hand and everything around me stills. I feel like the rain drops have frozen in their spots, all around us. It’s just he and I, skin touching skin. I swallow loudly before I unleash, “Just tell me why.”
He looks perplexed as he takes his hand off me. My arms rapidly break out into goosebumps and I tremble at the crashing thunder above us. I watch him blink the water out of his eyes several times before I speak again. “Why didn’t you make sure I was okay? Why didn’t you come? You never came!” I yell, through the sob edging its way from my chest. “You never came!”
I watch the rain splatter all around us. Soaking us from head to toe. He stares into my eyes and I blink mine several times as I study his face. His arms go slack and his grey work shirt is completely soaked, giving the illusion that it’s black. “I did… ” he croaks, and I can see his lips trembling. “But I couldn’t face you. I couldn’t face the fact that I didn’t save you.” My shoulders slump and I think I feel my heart shatter beneath my rib-cage. Every single piece of my mangled heart has shattered and fallen to the blacktop. I can almost feel it being washed away with the rain. When I meet his eyes, I can see the tears flowing down right beside the rain drops.
“You came?” I ask.
He backs away slowly, inching closer to his truck. “Yes. No one knew. Your mom was asleep, your dad wasn’t there. I came and I stared at you from the bottom of your hospital bed and all I could feel was guilt and shame.” He swallows and takes a huge gulp of air through the raindrops. “It nearly killed me seeing you lying there, all bandaged up. You deserved more than me, Sadie.” And then he gets into his truck and slams the door shut. I turn around abruptly and get in my car and do the same. We both sit there, in the country club parking lot, in our separate vehicl
es, soaked from head to toe, cursing the world for being so damn cruel to us.
Eleven
I didn’t see Rowen at all since our little episode during the treacherous storm. I had two more shifts and he didn’t work either of them. I kept thinking that maybe he went back to school early, maybe he didn’t come in on purpose, not able to face me. I feel sick to my stomach that we’re leaving things unsettled between the two of us, again. Just like last summer. And strangely enough, it stormed that night, too. I think I’ll forever hate storms, now.
My parents are totally bumming on me going back to school, but I promised them I’d come back for Thanksgiving this year. This time around, I’m going to do things differently. I’ve faced Rowen, even if we seem to be leaving things completely screwed up again, and I’ve faced Samantha. Both of which were hard tasks, but hey, at least they’re done and out of the way.
The thing is, with Rowen, at least, I feel just as bad as I did last summer about what’s happening between the two of us. “I couldn’t face you after I didn’t save you… ” What does that even mean? Is he upset that I tried to save him that night? Is he upset that he didn’t… what? Somehow blind the guy and attack him without a weapon? The whole situation is messy and confusing and I just wish it could be erased. I used to lay in bed and wonder how things would be if that night didn’t happen. Would Rowen and I still be together? Would he still have left me in the end? Was the heartbreak inevitable? I feel like every heartbreak is inevitable. It’ll happen eventually, right?
Lost in my thoughts, I hear the doorbell ring. I glance at the clock and it’s only two in the afternoon. Dad’s at the school for a beginning-of-the-year teacher meeting and my mom is at the grocery story getting things for my “back-to-school-dinner.” She will take every opportunity the world gives her to throw a little party or plan a fancy dinner. Cinco de Mayo? Yep. President’s day? Sure, let’s have a presidential dinner on very expensive presidential white house china plates. I wish I was kidding. She should have been a party planner.
“Coming!” I yell, as I’m half-running down our long flight of stairs. I assume it’ll be someone soliciting, or whatever. No one ever really comes over to our house unannounced, but I hate it when people randomly do.
As I swing open our red front door, out of breath, I quickly send up a silent prayer to God that my dad isn’t home. Because if he were, he’d literally kill the person standing in front of me.
“What are you doing here?! Do you have a death wish?” I cry. Rowen’s facial expression is simply… solemn. His posture rigid and tense. Maybe he was expecting my dad.
“I made sure your parents weren’t here before I came over. Can I come in for a second?” he asks as I cross my arms. Can he come in? The last time he was in my house, we were in an entirely different situation.
“Uh, I guess. But let’s go up to my room in case my dad comes home early. I wasn’t kidding. He will kill you if he sees you.” My dad wouldn’t hurt a fly, but I’m pretty sure that he values Rowen’s life even less than a fly’s.
Rowen follows me up to my room in silence. It feels like there’s an even deeper tension in the air than there was the other night. Great. When we get into my room, Rowen looks around until he pauses at the window… probably remember how he climbed through it so many times—my 17th birthday being the first time, and a few days before the attack being the last. My heart hurts a little as I think about his lengthy body shimmying out of the window in the wee hours of the night; it seems like ages ago. It seems like that little bit of innocence that we had back then, has long disappeared.
I go over and take a seat on the window ledge, so his eyes can be brought back to me instead of those memories that I know are flashing through his mind. He shakes his head and leans against my pink wall. He looks attractive, with his hair messy on top and a little bit of stubble on his rigid jaw. My heart flutters for a second as I take him in and I suddenly feel butterflies flying around in my stomach.
“I have a proposition for you.” I flick an eyebrow up. That was not what I was expecting to come out of his mouth.
“Okay… ” I say, scrunitzing him.
“I think you need to take this next school year and think about if you want to forgive me or not.” I stare at him for a few painfully long seconds, then I end up nodding my head. Okay, seems fair.
“And if you decide to forgive me, come back to work at the Country Club next summer and I think we… ” He looks nervous, as his fingers are twitching a little and he keep adjusting his posture on the wall. “I think we should try to be friends.”
My heart catches in my throat. Friends. Friends with Rowen? My voice comes out weak. “Do you really think we can be friends after… everything?”
He shrugs. “I’m not sure. But I’m willing to try, if you give me a chance,” he says in response as he strides up to me. We’re inches apart, and I can feel my heart yearning for him with as my mind screams at me to retreat. Abort mission, abort!
If my back wasn’t to the window, I would have taken a step away from him. His face, his smell, everything about him draws me into him. Erases my hurt. How is it that the one person who hurt me so deeply is more than likely the only person who can take it away? “I’ll… ” I close my eyes and take a deep breath, bowing my head. “I’ll think about it.”
He gets down on one knee and meets my eyes from down below. I stare into the endless brown of them and I swear I can feel the love coursing from his body. When our eyes meet, it’s like our souls are connecting again, and I hate it. I hate that I’m so affected by him. Just by his eyes.
“That’s all I ask, Sadie. I’m just so sorry… ” He shakes his head, allowing his messy coffee-colored hair to fall onto his forehead “I’m sorry from the bottom of my soul. I will never stop feeling so ashamed of that night and the past year. Never.” He reaches up and tucks a long strand of my hair behind my ear and I can feel my heart beating in them, thumping rapidly from the touch. “I’m sorry.” His voice quakes as he stands up and leaves my room quicker than I can even process what just happened. I peek out my window when I hear the door shut and watch him climb into his beat-up, old truck. He bangs his fist against the steering wheel several times before starting the roaring engine, then he drives off down the street. I bring my hand up and place it on my chin, “Well, that just happened… ”
Part Two
Summer, 2011
Twelve
The song “Highway to Hell” by AC/DC is pouring through my car’s speakers and I instantly turn the volume up to its highest capacity. The change in my center console is smacking together due to the bass and I stifle a grin as I grab my phone to call Alicia. The second she answers I put it on speaker, so she can hear. In addition to all of our similarities, I found out this year that Alicia is also just as into AC/DC as I am. When she first told me I thought she was kidding and somehow learned of my obsession with the band, but she wasn’t. We both just have a love for AC/DC, like two little rock and roll babies. I blame my dad for brainwashing me. AC/DC is his favorite band and he played it for me when I was a baby and then for the rest of my life; so, I kind of fell in love with them by default.
After Alicia and I sing the entire song together, over the phone, I finally turn the volume down and have an actual conversation with her.
“Are you back in the States?” she asks, with more emotion than I’ve ever heard her use in our entire two years of friendship.
“I just landed a half hour ago; I’m about forty minutes from home. Did you miss me?”
After spring semester ended, I was offered an internship in Haiti by one of my professors to teach children in one of the villages. It was an amazing opportunity, and I snatched it right up. Anything to get me further away from coming back home to deal with the Rowen issue. It was only two weeks, but two weeks was two weeks when you were using time as a buffer. Plus, it was an incredible experience. Seeing the conditions over there, getting to work on my teaching skills, the bright faces of the Hait
i children; it was absolutely amazing.
“Duh, only two months and three days until we get to move into our apartment! I was already at the store with my mom buying some decorations. I am so excited.” Before I can even interrupt and tell her how I excited I am, too (because seriously, an apartment with my best friend? Who wouldn’t be busting at the seams?), she asks a ba-jillion questions about Haiti and if there were any hotties in the internship that stole my attention. There weren’t. My last fling was with Mark (I know. How bland of a name is that?). But, it was fun while it lasted… I guess.
Mark. Marky-mark. Ugh. He was in my French class and we were partners for most of the group work that Professeur Mills set up every single week. We were to converse in French, and our final was having to perform a lesson on something in the most romantic language in the world. I, of course, aced it, and Mark and I went out to celebrate—where he kissed me, taking me completely by surprise. But, it was a nice kiss and we all know that I needed a distraction from my last relationship. We were an off and on for the first semester but he became way too clingy, basically stalking me, and plus, I learned that he wasn’t my type at all.
Sadly, I also learned that my type revolved entirely around Rowen. Every single guy I encountered even semi-romantically, I compared to Rowen. He doesn’t make me laugh like Rowen … He doesn’t make me smile like Rowen… His eyes are a shade too dark, nothing like Rowen’s… Blah, Blah, Blah. Alicia actually pointed it out to me. She said, “Stop sabotaging every guy’s potential because of Rowen, unless… you still want to be with Rowen.” Red flags popped up faster than I could even register the thought, which I, of course, mulled over for months to come. Not only was I mulling over the last thing Rowen said to me before I left for school, but now I had to face the fact that I’m not quite over our little love spurt like I told myself. I was over the attack and what happened afterwards… I think so, at least. The moment Rowen asked me to forgive him and be friends with him, I knew that I would. I knew that I would pretend to think about it over the school year, and maybe I would or wouldn’t return back to the country club, but deep down, that taunting voice in the back of my head called me a liar and turned her nose up at my protests. I knew I would return back to the country club, but I definitely need to get over the fact that I had once loved him. I need to let the happy, good parts that we had in our relationship go, because if I don’t, this summer is going to end up filled with a whole ‘lotta heartbreak.