by S. J. Sylvis
Then it just clicked; I didn’t want to forget all of the painful memories between Rowen and I because that’s what formed this new passionate, bottomless love for him. The way I love him so fiercely is because of the pain. I needed to embrace it, I needed to remember that I did pick myself back up after the attack, I picked myself up after my best friend betrayed me, and I picked myself up when Rowen left me. I picked myself up. The detour was embracing it. I had to embrace it all, not hide it under a ratty old kitchen rug. I wouldn’t be able to stop Rowen or anyone from breaking my heart but I could learn to make myself happy again. I could learn how to make myself feel full again. I understood. I understood the detour; I just needed to get around all the damn roadblocks in my way. I finally understood the wisest words I have ever heard, and they all came from a sweet old man who leads such a simple life.
And that’s why I’m about to go find Rowen, right now. I sprang out of my chair, leaving my notes on my desk, and high-tailed it to my car. UNC isn’t that far from Duke, and besides, even if he was on the other side of the country right now soaking up California rays, I’d still drive my tiny Ford all the way over there.
This was something I had to do in person. I needed to grab him by the face and pour my deranged heart out to him. I was so stupid to let our love go because I was scared, because I was scared of the past. It’s never going to go away; and it’s time to face those steep hills. You only get one life, right?
The moment I shut my car door and turn the key in the ignition, I get the eerie feeling that someone is watching me. Campus isn’t extremely busy at the moment; there are only a few students lollygagging around during the early afternoon, but there’s one person in the distance, staring directly at me.
Her bright pink dress stands out against the blue sky and green grass; she looks like a movie star with her bright blonde hair cut close to her head. It’s styled in a way that only models can pull off, or Hallie Berry.
I stare at her for little longer and twist my head to the side. That’s when my eyes almost fall out of my head. “Holy shit,” I whisper, as the girl starts walking towards my car with her right arm up, waving.
Samantha.
What is she doing here?
My fingers skim over the automatic button on my door panel and soon my passenger side window is rolling down.
When Samantha appears in front of it, I scan her face. She looks different. Skinnier, but healthy. Her high cheekbones are shining brightly with a pink hue, and then she smiles and it’s… genuine.
“Hi, Sadie,” she says, smiling even bigger.
“What—what… ” At a complete loss for words, I shake my head and start again. “What are you doing here?”
“Well, I came here to see you.” Samantha bends down and crosses her arms on the ledge of my window. If she had an ulterior plan to be the world’s biggest bitch, like usual, I could just push the window button and bye-bye she’d go. But something seems different, so I’m giving her the benefit of the doubt.
When I don’t muster up a response, she continues. “I was on my way to your apartment and then sure enough, I saw you getting into your car. In a hurry, might I add,” she chuckles. “I came here… ” She looks around for a brief second, then gestures to my door. “Do you mind?”
I feel leery but regardless, I let her in.
Once the door slams shut, and she adjusts her pink dress over her bony knees, she looks out the windshield, staring at the few students wandering about with book bags slung over their backs.
“I came here to say… I’m sorry.”
Silence fills the car. It’s a noticeable silence, too. Filled with awkward tension. I don’t know what to say. I used to daydream about the day that Samantha would say sorry to me, what it would feel like to have such a long-lost friend, apologize for being… crazy. I used to think it wouldn’t matter but sitting here with her… it does.
“I wish I could say that I had this epic moment in my life that made me realize how bad of a person I was and how I wanted to apologize for being a bad friend to you. But it didn’t quite pan out like that… ” My eyebrows crinkle, waiting for her next words. “Sadie… ”
I turn my body towards her, taking in her face. Then I feel as if I’ve been slapped across the face. I was not expecting the next words out of her mouth. The words, “I had cancer.” I let out a gasp and leave my mouth hanging wide open.
“Samantha,” I breathe. “Are… are you okay?” Nice, Sadie. What a stupid question to ask.
“Oh! Yes, I’m okay now. Sorry! I should have started off with that,” she titters. “They removed the tumors and the chemo worked. I’m better. Healthy.”
I reach over and grab her lone hand that’s lying palm down on her thigh. I give it a long squeeze, suddenly realizing why her hair is cut so short and why she seems so different.
“I’m so glad you’re okay now. I’m truly sorry you had to endure that,” I say, genuinely. But a small part of me wonders whether she’s lying. She’s lied in the past, several times. But just seeing her tiny body sitting here in my car, hair cut short, cheekbones sticking out, I can tell that something major has happened to her. Not just on the outside, either. On the inside, she seems like a different person.
As she squeezes my hand back, she takes a deep breath. “It was awful. The entire thing. I was so sick. I threw up so many times. And let me tell you something,” she turns to me and grins, “Throwing up from chemotherapy is a lot worse than throwing up because you drank too much.”
We laugh together for a few seconds, breaking up the awful tension in the air. “But it’s sad that it took a near life-ending moment to realize that I was a terrible person. All the bad things I’d done in the past caught up to me pretty quick.”
I watch as she bites her lip and ponders for a moment. “I promised myself that if I got better, that if I made it out alive, I’d try to undo all the bad things I did. Starting with you.”
I didn’t say anything in response because I just didn’t know what would be appropriate in this moment. Her actions can’t ever truly be justified but that doesn’t mean I can’t accept her apology. Right? I mean I should know better than anyone that sometimes forgiving someone is okay.
My voice barely over a whisper, “It’s okay, Samantha. I forgive you.”
“It’s not okay. Look what I did.” Her face contorts to the point that I think she’s going to cry. “I ruined you and Rowen. When I heard you two had gotten back together, though, it honestly made some of that guilt fro what I’d done go away.”
I start to tell her that Rowen and I aren’t technically together anymore but she stops me with her hand. “I also know that you’re not together anymore… and I know that’s my fault, too.”
Interjecting, I say, “It’s not your fault. It’s mine.” Then I inhale, letting my shoulders fall. “I messed up, Samantha.”
We both stare out the windshield for a little while, not talking. It’s peaceful to be this close to her without feeling like I want to yell at her, or smack her. A part of me feels healed, like I’ve needed this all along.
After a few minutes pass, Samantha peeks over at me. “Sadie, take it from me. Life is too short. Don’t waste it.”
I bite my lip and nod. She smiles at me, the creases in her eyes deepening, and I know she can probably read my mind, just like we used to do years ago.
“I’m going after him.” I say, with confidence blooming from within.
“Good. Go get your man, Sadie.” We both laugh, and she exits the car but not before leaning down to squeeze my hand again.
Her eyes holding hope, “Call me, okay?”
“I will.”
Then I back out of my spot and head to UNC for Rowen.
I’ll fix this. I’ll make it right.
Twenty-Seven
ROWEN
Walking through my life in a murky haze is normal for me now. Not caring about much, unless it has to do with a brown-haired girl named Sadie, and yep. That’s about it. I
hate feeling like this. So… pent up. Just waiting. Wondering. Imagining. I fucking hate it and I hate that Kyle can see right through my bullshit.
That’s why I’m laughing along with him and our other friends right now, about to go get some lunch. I need to get him off my back because knowing Kyle, he’ll call me out on my shitty mood and then it’ll make me even more pissed. So, faking it is my best bet right now.
“They called us… and I quote… ‘scissor sisters’!” Our friend Sarah is fuming, arms crossed over her chest, face red and eyes wide. “I’m pissed!”
Kyle cracks up so hard and I start to sniker beside him which earns me a smack from the back of Sarah’s hand.
“Stop! This is not okay. I think that in this society, being gay should be completely acceptable. Don’t you?” She looks at me and I nod my head quickly. Of course it should be accepted. Who cares?
“Relax, Sarah. They’re probably just jealous that you’re not interested in them.” I say.
“Damn straight they are! I’m hot.”
I chuckle again, throwing my arm around her shoulders to loosen up her tense posture. “I’m sorry, but I just have to say it… “scissor sisters” is a hilarious name.”
Sarah turns her head towards me, her red hair skimming my arm, and breaks into a huge grin. I let out a forced laugh before Kyle grabs my attention.
“Uh, Rowen?” Kyle says from a few feet away from me. I look over at him, waiting for him to say something snarky about my attitude, but his mouth is wide open, staring across the student lot.
When my eyes find her, I stop dead in my tracks. I take a gulp of air as I see Sadie’s tiny tanned frame basically dive into her driver’s seat.
My heart beats like a fucking boombox in my chest as I drop my arm from Sarah’s shoulders, ignoring her question about what’s going on and take off like my life depends on it. My legs are striding further apart than they ever have, but I keep pushing to get to her. I almost can’t believe my eyes. I almost can’t believe she’s here. She’s here at UNC.
Just as I reach the curb, I stop. Sadie’s in her car and yelling her name seems to only make her go faster. Before I know it, she’s backing up quickly, almost mowing down a student and then speeding off into the distance. I reach my hands up and place them on my head. No. This isn’t happening. Go after her. Make her believe you fucking love her! I take off in the opposite direction, reaching into my jingling pocket and fetch my keys. I jump in my truck so fast I don’t even get the door shut. I drive with one hand and dial her number with the other. My fingers trembling along the touchscreen and when she ignores my call for the third time, I press my foot as hard as it’ll go on the accelerator. She’s not getting away this time; she came here for a reason and I’m going to be that reason. I have to be that reason. I just fucking have to.
SADIE
The second I park my car in the student lot, I whip the sun-visor down to make sure I don’t look as nervous as I feel. I wipe the tear-smudged mascara away from my eyes, run my fingers through my long hair, and lick my lips, giving myself one last nod.
When I step out of the car, I realize that I have no freaking idea where he is in this moment. But, I would search every single classroom, every single dorm room.
Every.
Square.
Inch.
Of this campus until I found him, ripped my heart out and handed it to him, blood dripping and all. I needed to do this. I needed him. I need Rowen.
I’m not sure if it was fate laughing at me, or if the world really is this freaking wicked, but it was like there were a thousand neon lights with arrows pointing down at his chestnut brown hair, walking casually across the sidewalk with a group of friends. My heart consticts in my chest as I take one step towards him before my heart stops beating altogether.
There is Rowen. There is my Rowen, standing there with his arm wrapped around a tall redhead’s shoulders. He is wearing a maroon t-shirt, throwing his head back, laughing. I bet if I listen hard enough, I can hear that melodic voice through the crowded murmurs of students walking to and from classes but I don’t. Instead, I gasp out loud, using my one hand to cover my mouth while the other clenches at my churning stomach.
I’m too late. I’m. Too. Late. He’s moved on. He’s… happy. I almost can’t take it, I almost can’t stand here watching his life unfold, but I do. I stand here and watch because if there’s one thing that will keep me alive in this moment, it’s the fact that he’s happy.
I take one step backward, then another, and another, my eyes never wavering, until I’m right at my car door. I watch him cross the emerald green grass to get to the parking lot, taking my soul with him. I can tell it was Kyle walking beside him, holding a petite blonde’s hand, and then his eyes land on me. Kyle’s boyish face has never looked so confused and at alert until then.
I knew I was caught. My eyes widen and I duck into the driver’s seat of my car, welcoming my Hawaiian air freshener. My window is down so I hear Kyle yell my name, but I ignore it because if Kyle saw me, then Rowen did, too. Now, I’m just stuck. Do I stay and make up an excuse? I can’t ruin his happiness now. It means so much more to me than my own; I close my eyes at the thought and give my head a sharp shake. That’s how you know you truly love someone, ya know? Putting their happiness before your own, even if you feel like you are literally dying right there, in that very second.
“Sadie!” Rowen’s voice cuts straight through me and the tears come right after the slice.
“Sadie! Wait!” Slice. Slice. Slice. He is frantic and out of breath but that doesn’t stop me from turning my key and backing the hell out of there. I back out so fast that I almost hit another college student. I hear them yell and just as I look back to make sure they are still alive, I see Rowen running full speed at my car, hair blown back and everything.
Keep going, don’t let him see how much this is killing you. He’s happy. He’s happy, just go.
So that’s what I did. I went.
My phone is already vibrating frantically in my cup holder and I know it’s Rowen, but I ignore it. I ignore it as I head straight for the highway. I am damn close to the freeway when my phone starts up again. He is going to make this hard. Why is everything just so hard?
I shove my foot down on the accelerator, as if making my car move faster is going to make Rowen stop calling me. Like it’s going to make everything better. I should have known that running away from my problems wouldn’t work—it never has before; I should have known the second I heard the squealing tires that I messed up… in more ways than one. I should have known. I should have freaking known.
The angry pain right after the loudest noise that I have ever heard, except for that eerie gun-shot I heard years ago, hits me like a ton of crumbling bricks. I knew something was wrong when I heard the outside shouts, glass crunching, and loud screaming coming from my own mouth. I look down in front of me and the only thing I see is something that resembls a big white fully down pillow, so I do what anyone else would have done; I let my head hang low enough to rest against it and I pretend that everything is fine. Even though, it isn’t.
ROWEN
I think I’ve died. Everything feels so out of reach to me, yet I can touch everything in sight. The muscle that thumps in my chest hurts with every single beat. The last three hours have moved so fast but so slow at the same time.
When I finally caught up to Sadie’s car, I saw it on the side of the highway. The front was smashed in, the silver color that always shined so bright in the sun was tarnished, and the windshield was cracked. I pulled over so quickly that my tires squealed in response. I ran over to her car and saw her limp body being pulled out, and I almost passed out. I swear to God I saw black spots in my vision. But then things moved even faster and I had no time to faint. I fought the EMT workers so hard that I almost smashed one of their faces in. They finally let me in the ambulance with her.
She was awake for a little while, confused. Disoriented. Agitated. Her little body thrashi
ng on the gurney, her brown locks whipping in front of her face. I grabbed her hand, trying to coax her to calm down but she ripped it out of mine tried to get up, screaming when she moved her right leg. That’s when the burly EMT worker finally gave her a shot to calm her down.
And that’s when I begged for them to give it to me, too. I felt myself breaking from the inside out. I sat, unmoving, trying to calm my erratic breathing down, and the only time it slowed was a couple hours later, when I caught wind that she’d be fine.
I called her parents right when we got to the hospital, my voice shaking with fear for Sadie. It took them a little while to get here because Sadie drove all the way to UNC. I figured her dad would kill me on sight, for once again being in a hospital with his daughter who was hurt and I was fine. But, surprisingly he didn’t. Once they realized that Sadie was okay, her mom hugged me tight, allowing my eyes to drip with tears. Then her dad grabbed my shoulder and squeezed it, hard. He tipped his head down and I knew, even without saying the words, that he wasn’t angry with me. Maybe he could see the pain on my face. Maybe he could see that I was a complete fucking mess.
I had told him, almost three months ago, that I loved Sadie and that I would never, ever stop loving her. That I would take care of her. I would make her happy, and this is me keeping my promise. I’m here. I’m here now, and I’m ready to take care of her. I’m done waiting. I don’t care if she wakes up after her surgery and never wants to see me again.
I’m not leaving.
And I’m not letting her run.