by Tawna Fenske
“You did that yourself, Cookie,” Alex said. “You’re a talented guy—it’s about time you got to use those talents.”
“Thanks, Alex. And I’m sure you’ll find something new too. I mean, it’s not like you’re that old.”
Juli winced and watched as Alex drank the rest of the lemonade in one big gulp. When he set the glass down, he leaned against the counter and looked at Cody.
“So you know the cargo ship is gone, right?” Alex said slowly. “That even if there were diamonds on board, they’re long gone now?”
Cody nodded, looking grim. “Yeah. I know. Jake was pretty bummed about it too. And Phyllis was crying. I didn’t even know she could cry; did you?”
“Well, there was that time she missed the audition for American Gladiators.”
“No, she didn’t even cry then. Just punched the mailroom guy.”
Juli looked around, realizing neither Jake nor Phyllis had come out to greet them yet. “Cookie, where are the others?”
Cody nodded toward the closed bedroom door and gave a sheepish shrug. “I guess while we were gone, they got to know each other pretty well.”
Juli raised an eyebrow at the door. “Are you sure?”
Cody’s cheeks flushed pink again. “Well, Jake came out looking kind of sweaty last night and offered me twenty dollars to go buy him some condoms across the street.” He frowned, looking thoughtful. “I guess he could have been making water balloons. You think that was it?”
Alex appeared to be trying hard not to laugh. “No, I don’t think he was making water balloons.”
Cody sipped his lemonade. “That’s what I thought.”
“So this is good,” Juli said, lifting her lemonade in a toast. “Cookie has a new job, Jake and Phyllis are bumping uglies, and Tom Portelli is headed to jail. It’s a happy ending. Well, mostly.”
Cody frowned. “Tom Portelli is going to jail? What happened?”
Juli drained the rest of her glass and set it on the counter. “I’ll let Alex bring you up to speed on Tom Portelli. I’m going to use the restroom.”
She maneuvered around Alex, ignoring the jolt of lust that surged when his arm brushed hers. She moved down the narrow hallway, trying hard to tune out any noises coming from the master bedroom.
She had almost reached the door of the bathroom when a pale arm snaked out the bedroom door and grabbed her by the sleeve. Stumbling back, Juli felt herself being dragged into the room. She yelped, but resistance was futile.
As the door slammed shut behind her, Juli found herself face to face with a flushed, disheveled-looking Phyllis.
“Oh,” Juli said, blinking against the yellowish light glowing from the bandana-covered lamp in the corner. “Got used to the bustier, huh? You can go ahead and keep that. Where’s Jake?”
Phyllis darted a glance toward the bedroom door, looking nervous. “Jake’s in the bathroom. Quick, I need your help. I’ve got a big, big problem.”
Phyllis reached behind her and pulled something out from under the pillow.
Juli gasped and staggered back, trying to get away.
Chapter 20
It was without a doubt the largest vibrator Juli had ever seen in her life.
And the way Phyllis was wielding it in front of her like a sword was, frankly, the most frightening thing Juli could imagine.
“That is a very big problem,” Juli agreed, stepping back a little to avoid being hit with it. “Purple, too.”
Phyllis looked down at the vibrator, studying it with equal parts fear and fascination. Its flesh was translucent and almost seemed to glow in the dim bedroom light.
“Well yes, but see, I’m not totally sure what to do with it.” Phyllis looked back up with desperation in her eyes. “And I want Jake to think I’m worldly and experienced, but I just don’t know how to use something so… so…”
“Terrifying?” Juli supplied.
“Right. In a good way, though. But see, I’m not even sure where the batteries go, or how to turn it on, or really, what I’m supposed to do with—”
“Um, Phyllis?”
“Yes?”
“Where did you get that?”
Phyllis bit her lip. “Well, see, after you guys left yesterday evening, Jake and I spent a lot of time talking. And we had a romantic dinner alone at a little seafood place around the corner with all these candles and some really great wine. And then afterward, we went for a stroll down by the harbor, and we looked at the stars, and we held hands, and he even kissed me right there in public. And everything was really very nice. Just like I imagined.”
“I see,” Juli said, not seeing at all how this translated to Phyllis holding the world’s most disturbing vibrator.
“And while we were down there looking at the boats, we ran into one of Malcolm’s brothers. I forget which one. Blythe or Winchester or Pierson or something like that.”
“Okay.”
“And they were trying to off-load some of the cargo from the boat, you know? They didn’t have any use for it, I guess. He said they just wanted the boat, so he asked us if we wanted any of the stuff from the cargo hold.”
“Stuff?”
“Well, yes. See, there were supposed to be diamonds on the boat, right? But when Jake and Alex looked, the whole cargo hold was full of these.”
She toed a glossy pink box lying on the floor at the foot of the bed. Juli looked down, turning her head to admire the pictures and read the bright orange calligraphy printed on the top.
“Diamond Delight Premier Pleasures,” she read. She looked up at Phyllis, suddenly comprehending. “You guys hijacked a cargo ship full of sex toys?”
“Shh!” Phyllis hissed, glancing at the door. “We didn’t actually hijack it, remember? I mean we tried to, but—”
“So Malcolm hijacked a ship full of sex toys? Are you guys all crazy?”
“We must have gotten some bad information, okay? I mean, we thought we were going after real diamonds, but obviously there was some sort of misunderstanding or something.”
“Uh-huh,” Juli said, thinking that a misunderstanding was when you showed up at the wrong time for a lunch date, or accidentally patted your boss on the butt at a company meeting.
Clearly this was beyond a misunderstanding. Juli stared at the giant phallus, mesmerized. She could see right through its clear purple flesh, and couldn’t help but admire the size of the battery pack in one end. She blinked at it, wanting to look away, not quite knowing how. Phyllis was still talking, waving the vibrator around, and Juli tore her eyes off it to focus on what Phyllis was saying.
“So anyway,” Phyllis said, “Jake told him sure, if they were just getting rid of stuff, we could probably put something to good use. And he was getting all smiley and winking at me, so I didn’t want to look like a ninny, you know? I wanted to seem womanly and experienced.”
“Of course.”
“So we all went down to the cargo hold and he told me to pick out whatever I wanted—anything. And I looked at a couple of different things and thought this one looked kind of neat, with the special vibrating love beads inside that swirl around when you turn it on. I saw that on TV once, I think. Only I thought it was supposed to look like a rabbit, and this doesn’t look like a rabbit. I mean, it doesn’t have any fur, obviously, and the ears are all wrong. But anyway, the pirates just gave it to me.”
“The pirates gave you a sex toy?” Juli stared at the gargantuan vibrator again, trying not to notice the disturbing little ears or the odd veiny-looking surface. “A vibrator the size of a small automobile.”
Phyllis blushed and looked down. “It was so pretty. And I’d never had one before. The pirates were just going to throw them out anyway, and Jake seemed so excited. Only now I can’t figure out how to use it, and Jake’s going to realize I’m not exotic and adventurous and—”
Juli was still trying not to stare, which was hard with Phyllis waving it around, her gestures more pronounced the more frantic she became.
Suddenly, som
ething caught Juli’s eye.
Something very, very sparkly.
“Um, Phyllis—could you stop waving the vibrator around for a second?”
“You want it?” Phyllis asked, thrusting it toward her.
Juli stepped back. “Um, thank you, no. But could you just hold it still?”
Phyllis held the vibrator upright like a torch. With her hair spiky around the crown of her head, she looked uncannily like the Statue of Liberty.
Juli squinted at the vibrator.
“Okay, not to sound like a pervert or anything,” Juli said slowly, reaching out for the vibrator against her better judgment. “But I’ve got something a little bit like this at home. And I’ve gotta say, there’s something really wrong here.”
***
Alex nearly fell off his chair when Juli and Phyllis came tearing out of the bedroom looking positively rabid.
Phyllis was wearing the black bustier and the look of a woman who’d been willingly ravaged by a clumsy lover. Juli was wild-eyed, waving a massive purple phallus at him and shouting something unintelligible. Both women were talking at once, a cacophony of words and gestures and flying hair and sights he had hoped never to see in his lifetime.
There was nothing safe to look at. Alex turned to Cody. “Is there any more lemonade? With vodka, maybe?”
“Alex, look at this,” Juli demanded, thrusting the giant purple penis at him.
“Really, I’d rather not—”
“Alex, seriously, you need to see what I just found.”
“Juli, really—”
“Oh for crying out loud!” Juli whirled around, zeroing in on Cody. “Cookie, give me a goddamn knife.”
Cody looked alarmed. He glanced over her shoulder at Alex, his eyes pleading. Alex was too stunned to say a word.
Obediently, Cody reached into a drawer and pulled out a sparkling butcher knife. He handed it to her, then stepped far, far out of reach.
Juli snatched the knife and yanked a cutting board off the rack beside the fridge. She laid the giant purple phallus on the surface and drew the knife back. Alex jumped out of his chair.
“Juli, really, if you’re upset about last night or this morning—I’m sorry, really, I am, but you’ve made your point and I swear to you—oh my God!”
“Dear Lord in heaven!” Jake cried, emerging from the bathroom just in time to see Juli slice the enormous purple penis right down the middle.
There was a loud crash, and everyone turned to see Cody hit the floor. Phyllis shrieked. Alex peered down at him.
He was out cold.
“Look,” Juli said, ignoring all of them as she pried apart the rubbery edges to reveal the inner workings of the vibrator. Alex winced, but Juli pressed on. Reaching inside, she scooped something out. She held out her hand and unfolded her fingers.
“Diamonds,” Alex gasped, stepping forward. “What the—”
“Stop holding your crotch for a minute and take these,” she said, thrusting her palm at him. “Damn right they’re diamonds. Big ones.”
“No shit,” Jake breathed, stepping over Cody to come closer. “I mean the vibrator was big, but these are massive.”
They each plucked one from Juli’s fingers. Even Phyllis, who cast a quick, forlorn look at her ruined sex toy, reached for a particularly large gem.
Everyone stared at the diamonds. Alex held his, turning it over in his palm, testing the weight of it, too dumbfounded to speak. At last, he looked up at Juli.
“I missed a few things when you rattled off your list of professions a few days ago,” he said, swallowing to make his voice sound less shaky, “but didn’t you mention something about working as a gemologist?”
Juli nodded, looking down at the rest of the stones in her hand. She turned her palm over on the cutting board and spilled the stones out one by one. They lay there then, glittering brightly beneath the glare of the florescent kitchen lights. Alex stared, trying to keep his focus on the diamonds instead of how beautiful she was.
Juli plucked up a single stone and brought it up close to her eye. She tilted it into the light, studying it.
“Obviously I don’t have a loupe or a microscope with me at the moment. But this has a high refractive index—that means it sharply bends the light that passes through it, see?”
All of them nodded. On the floor, Cody gave a soft snore.
“And look—when I set it down on this newspaper, you can’t read anything through it. If it were glass or cubic zirconia or something, you’d at least see black smudges through the stone. But here—nothing. And look,” she held it up again, “how the light sort of reflects gray through it?”
“I thought it was supposed to be a rainbow,” Jake said, holding up the one in his own hand, turning it over in the light.
“No,” Juli said, shaking her head. “Only in a fake or a real low quality diamond. Which these, obviously, are not.”
“How did you know to cut open the—” Alex glanced at the dissected purple phallus and shook his head. “Never mind. These came from the cargo hold in the boat? From that stash Jake and I saw there?”
Jake nodded, looking proudly at Phyllis for a moment before turning back to Alex. “We got it last night. From the pirates. They must not have known there were diamonds inside.”
Alex pressed his lips together, staring down at the pool of gems splashed across the counter. “So how many diamonds do we have here?” he asked, sweeping his hand over the cutting board. “How much do we think this is worth?”
Phyllis set her diamond down on the cutting board. “Well that’s the funny thing.” She smiled at Jake, and Alex saw something in her eye he’d never seen before. Something wild and lustful and—dear God—almost beautiful. Phyllis and Jake smiled at each other and Alex felt something twist in his chest. He fought the urge to reach out for Juli’s hand.
Phyllis turned back to Alex. “When I picked this out last night, the pirates were all laughing and Jake was being—well, being a guy—and I thought these vibrators were so pretty. I mean, they come in four different colors, so how do you pick? And everyone was making dirty jokes and I really wanted to be the sort of woman who’d know how to use a vibrator like this—who’d be really enthusiastic and wild and—”
“Phyllis,” Alex said, glancing at Juli to see if she had any idea what was going on. Juli just shrugged. “What the hell are you getting at?”
Phyllis swallowed. “We got three cases of them. Thirty-six vibrators to a case. All they had on board. Every single one. I thought I ought to stock up.”
Jake grabbed Phyllis by the arm, pulling her to his chest in an embrace that looked almost painful. He hugged her tightly, rocking back and forth and hooting with joy. Phyllis giggled—the first giggle Alex had ever heard escape her lips.
“That’s my girl,” Jake said. “My naughty, naughty girl.”
Alex turned to Juli, his heart hammering in his chest. “Can I see you alone for a minute?”
She looked at him, clearly perplexed. “Now?”
“Now.”
He caught her by the arm, not waiting for an answer as he steered her down the hall toward the back bedroom.
“You’re not planning to do something obscene to me with the giant purple vibrator, are you?” she asked. “Not that I’d mind under normal circumstances, but I hardly think now is the time for—”
He shut the door hard and Juli stopped talking. Her eyes were wide as Alex leaned back against the door and studied her, weighing his words carefully.
“You saw the diamonds and Phyllis didn’t.”
She stared at him for a few beats. “Yes,” she said, the word tinged with caution.
“You didn’t have to say anything. None of us would have known. You could have just taken them and run.”
She frowned. “Why on earth would I do that?”
Alex sighed. “I know about the Krugerrand in Uncle Frank’s urn,” he said. “I don’t care, Juli. I don’t care how they got there or why you’re smuggling them or wh
at your connection is to Tom Portelli. I trust you, okay? I trust you and I love you and I’ve been going insane these last few hours thinking there’s even the tiniest chance I might never touch you again. I don’t care if you’re a cop or a criminal, I don’t care if you’re the smartest woman on the planet or the dumbest. I want to be with you no matter what.”
“Alex,” she said slowly, her eyes brimming with tears. “Alex.”
“Yes?”
She shook her head. “What the fuck are you talking about?”
“I love you, Juli. I know we haven’t—”
“Not that, you dumbass,” she interrupted. “I love you too. What Krugerrand in Uncle Frank’s urn?”
Alex looked at her. “The false bottom. The twenty Krugerrand. I thought—” He stopped talking, silenced by the dumbstruck look on her face. “You honestly didn’t know?”
Juli opened her mouth, then closed it, then opened it again. “He picked that urn himself. He must have thought I’d figure it out. The Feds seized his estate before he died, but I guess this was his way of leaving me something.” She shook her head, her baffled gaze fixed on a spot on the carpet. Then she looked up at him.
“You honestly thought I was smuggling Krugerrand and hiding that from you?”
Alex swallowed hard. “I didn’t know what to think, Juli. You had so many surprises, so many secrets. But I realized that it doesn’t matter. Not to me, anyway, not now. I love you if I’m poor and you’re rich, or you’re rich and I’m poor, or—”
“Shut up, Alex.”
He shut up.
“Neither of us is poor now. You have diamonds, I have Krugerrand—”
“No, we have diamonds. You were as much a part of this mission as the rest of us.”
“Alex, I don’t think—”
“I don’t care about the money, Juli. And I don’t care about the secrets. I only care about you.”
She blinked at him, her eyes brimming with tears. “I care about you too.” She looked down at her hand, which still held the ruined remains of the giant purple phallus. “Though if we’re being honest here, I do kind of care about this.”