by Various
He tugged on the rein of the lead horse and they all set off again. In silence. But though none of them said a word, he could feel Harry’s disappointment, and Izzy’s confusion, and Susan’s guilt peppering his back like buckshot.
But what could he do about it? It wasn’t as if he could have forced Alice to come with them.
Though why on earth the dratted woman would rather remain alone in that ugly monstrosity of a house, in a post where she wasn’t fully appreciated, than take up a position where she’d have generous wages and far better conditions, he couldn’t comprehend.
He should have demanded an explanation when she turned him down flat, that’s what he should have done. But he’d been so sickened by the way she’d started haggling over her wages. He’d never have expected it of her. Not when the welfare of children was at stake. The discovery that she was as mercenary as every other woman he’d ever met had been such a blow he’d just turned and walked away, pretending he didn’t care. When the truth was it had hurt more than he would have believed.
Especially since he could have sworn she was going to accept his offer. She’d looked so eager to begin with, that was what was so confusing. When he’d said, ‘I would like you to come with me when I leave’, she’d looked as though he’d just offered her the sun, moon and stars.
He stumbled on a frozen rut and cursed himself for an idiot. He’d meant to say, come away with us, he recalled, but when it came to it, he’d asked the question from his heart.
Had that slip made her think he was proposing something of a personal nature? It wouldn’t have been surprising, given the way he’d kissed her, he supposed. Even when he’d decided it would be selfish to attempt to take things any further with her, since his children needed her far more, he hadn’t actually spelled it out to her. On the contrary, knowing she was forbidden fruit, he’d started watching her the way a starving man looked at a five-course banquet. Then he’d asked her to come away with him. With him.
And she’d wanted to. If he’d admitted how he felt about her, she’d have flung herself into his arms and...
Hold hard, though. He was pretty sure she wouldn’t have agreed to accept the only kind of relationship he could offer her. In fact...oh, hell. Perhaps that was why she’d recoiled as if he’d insulted her when he’d started talking about wages. Especially since she hadn’t relented, no matter how much he’d offered.
But if that was so, then her initial enthusiasm must have meant that in her innocence, and inexperience, she’d thought he was trying to make an honest, if rather clumsy, proposal.
Of marriage.
No wonder she’d been so upset when she realised he was only offering her a position as a nursery maid. Why she’d spent the rest of the day avoiding him. Why she’d looked on the verge of tears so many times.
He came to a dead standstill as everything fell into place.
She’d fallen for him. And had hoped he’d fallen for her, too.
His offer of paid employment must have been the cruellest form of insult to a girl who’d thought she was about to become a true mother to his children.
And now she was sitting there, amidst the dirty dishes, feeling abandoned, and foolish, and humiliated.
After giving his family the best Christmas they’d had for years. The first Christmas when they’d actually felt anything like a family.
And this was how he’d repaid her. By leading her on and abandoning her. At least, that was what she was probably thinking. And that was how she’d remember him. As a man who toyed with a woman’s affections, then told her she was only good enough to be his servant.
When the truth was he’d always wanted her to be so much more than that. He wanted the right to kiss her without shame or regret. He wanted to wake up to her smile every morning and to be the last thing he saw every night.
Which was impossible. Even if not for the disparity in their rank which had made him discount marriage in the first place, she must hate him now. She’d never agree to marry him after the way he’d treated her.
And yet...
What did he have to lose by going back and telling her the truth? All of it? If she still hated him, well, he would be no worse off than he was now.
At least he would have done his best.
* * *
Alice sat frozen at the table, torn between the need to weep and a bewildering urge to break out into hysterical laughter. Because a few days ago, this was exactly what she’d thought she wanted. Freedom. Freedom to do as she pleased and eat what she pleased. Freedom from drudgery and criticism.
She’d thought it would be blissful.
But it wasn’t. It was cold. And rather terrible.
She was never going to be able to stop thinking of those children. Wondering if Susan was looking after them properly. And wishing she hadn’t been too proud to accept the post herself. Because even though they weren’t her own children, she could have loved them as if they were, because they were the children of the man she...
No, she didn’t love him. She couldn’t have fallen in love overnight.
She rubbed her hands over her chest, where there was a deep, jagged pain. Hearts couldn’t break. She was sure they couldn’t. Yet it felt just as though something inside was tearing apart. Something that fractured a little bit more every time she reflected how foolish she’d been, to make so much out of one kiss, a few heated glances and a few words of praise from the first handsome man with whom she’d ever been alone.
* * *
She didn’t know how long she’d been sitting at the table, wrestling with her alternating need to throw back her head and howl, or bury it on her forearms to sob into the dirty breakfast bowls, when the sound of horses approaching brought her up sharp.
This time, even though she was all alone, she couldn’t be bothered getting to her feet, let alone arming herself with a poker. What did she care if burglars did break in? They were welcome to take whatever they wished. Besides, it was more likely to be Mrs Hughes returning early. She’d probably rather cut her holiday short than risk facing Uncle Walter’s wrath if the weather closed in again and she became stranded at her sister’s farm.
She wiped her face on the apron she’d tied round her waist when she’d thought she was going to do the breakfast dishes and blew her nose on the handkerchief she kept in its pocket. And lifted her head and faced the doorway through which she could hear the sound of approaching footsteps.
Her face was probably blotchy and her nose red. But if anyone noticed, they’d just assume it was due to her illness.
Not that they would notice. Or if they did, they wouldn’t care enough to ask if she’d been crying.
But then instead of the brisk, light step of a woman, she heard what sounded like a man’s boots clumping across the cobbles.
And...was that the sound of children’s voices, too?
She started to rise from her chair, her heart lodged somewhere halfway up her throat as the door swung open to reveal Captain Grayling.
Looking grim.
‘What is it? Why have you come back? Has something happened to the children?’
But then they tumbled in behind him, all smiles, and her legs gave out, so that she dropped back down on to her chair again.
‘We’ve come back for you,’ said Harry.
‘She ain’t no good for a nurse,’ said Billy, nodding his head in Susan’s direction as she came into the kitchen.
‘That’s not true,’ said Hopkins, swatting Billy round the back of his head. ‘That’s not why we’ve come back and you know it.’
Susan proved him right by taking Izzy straight over to the stove and undoing the strings of her little bonnet.
While Captain Grayling just stood there, glowering at her.
Was he going to repeat his offer? And if he did, would she have the streng
th to refuse him a second time?
Did she even want to? It might be painful living under his roof and never being anything more to him than a servant, but just now she’d faced the prospect of never seeing him again. And that had felt as though it would have been a far worse fate.
‘I need a moment alone with Alice,’ declared Captain Grayling, never taking his brooding gaze off her. ‘Would you, all of you, go into the front parlour?’
‘It’ll be cold in there,’ grumbled Billy.
‘Not as cold as it was outside and you can soon light a fire,’ said Captain Grayling firmly.
The others all trooped out of the kitchen, leaving them alone.
‘I haven’t been honest with you,’ he said, tugging off his gloves and stalking to the table. ‘Not entirely. I never really wanted you to be a nurse for the children. Which is why it was so easy to take Susan in your place.’
She shook her head, her bewilderment increasing.
He sat down, reached across the table and seized her hand all in one move, knocking the stack of bowls aside with a clatter.
‘Don’t refuse me before you’ve even heard what I’ve come to say.’
‘I...’ She couldn’t speak. Her heart was beating so fast it felt as if it was going to jump out of her chest. He was holding her hand. Looking at her as though...
But, no. She’d been fooled by that sort of look before. This time, she wasn’t going to assume anything.
‘Very well,’ she managed to get out. ‘Say whatever you’ve come to say.’
He grimaced. ‘This isn’t going to be easy. It doesn’t reflect well on me. I’ve been guilty of damnable pride, where you are concerned. I...’ He paused, squeezing her hand so tightly it felt as though the bones might crack.
‘If I had still been just a captain in the army, I would have proposed marriage to you, that day on the hill,’ he said with what looked like defiance. ‘I wouldn’t have cared tuppence that you are just a housemaid.’
‘Oh, but—’
‘Please, don’t say anything. Just listen. I need to make a full confession.’
‘Very well, but—’
‘No. You can say whatever you want when I’ve finished,’ he said sternly. So she closed her mouth, though a rising surge of hope was making her feel a touch giddy. He’d mistakenly thought she was merely a housemaid. Of course! Why hadn’t she seen that before? The way they were living, the shabbiness of her clothing, the chores she was performing as though it was perfectly normal...
‘You brought light into our lives,’ he said, through her daze. ‘Made me feel things I thought I was no longer capable of. I couldn’t believe you could have come to mean so much to me, within such a short space of time. But when I saw how good you were with the children, I decided I had no right to seek my own happiness when I’d already let them down so badly. I thought that asking you to care for them was the only way I could, legitimately, keep you in my life.
‘And when you said no, I was so hurt, so angry, that I stormed away without considering how you must have felt about my proposition, after the way I’d kissed you. You must think I’m a complete scoundrel.’
‘No, I—’
He held up his hand to silence her.
‘When we left, it was like...turning my back on the first good thing to happen to me for years. And it wasn’t just me. We all missed you. You have never seen such a miserable troop of people, trailing through the snow. And all of it my fault. But you must understand, Alice...’ he squeezed her hand again ‘...that coming into the title had momentarily thrown me. I thought I had to live up to some sort of damn-fool expectations. But when I thought about it, just now,’ he said, shuffling his chair closer, ‘I saw what nonsense it was to think that way. I married a titled lady the first time round and it was a disaster. I should never have persuaded her to run away with me when her parents forbade the match. In short, I made such a hash of things that time round, through being hot-headed, that I was afraid I was going to make the same mistake again.’ He speared his fingers through his hair, dislodging his hat in the process. ‘But this time round I’m no longer ineligible. I can marry whoever I damn well please, and my rank will drop over her like a mantle. Well?’
Alice was reeling from the jumbled series of confessions. She could hardly believe any of it.
‘Are you...are you really asking me to marry you this time?’
‘Yes, dammit. Haven’t I made it clear enough?’
‘Even...even if I was merely a housemaid?’
‘Yes,’ he said staunchly.
‘Even though you’ve recently come into some sort of title?’
‘Yes. Didn’t I say?’ Captain Grayling frowned, as though going back over all he’d said. ‘I’ve become an earl. To be precise, the Earl of Lowton.’
‘What?’
‘No need to look so horrified. Becoming my countess won’t be so bad, will it? I will protect you from any unkind gossip, Alice, I swear it. We can live quietly in the country if you like. And nobody can say anything about the succession, because I have Harry for my heir. Any children we have will be ours, Alice, yours and mine, and we will love them. And I’ll make a damn sight better job of being a father to them, with you as their mother, than I’ve done so far.’
‘Oh...’ she breathed, as all the misery that had been swamping her rolled away. ‘You really want me. Me. No matter what I am.’
‘I do,’ he assured her, taking her hand and raising it to his lips.
‘Oh, that’s so sweet of you,’ she said, blinking back a fresh wave of tears. Though this time they were from sheer joy. ‘But there will be no need to protect me from society in general, because I am not the housemaid here, you see. The family who own this house are distant cousins of my mother’s. Which is one of the reasons I wouldn’t accept the post as a nursery maid, when you offered it. Women of my class are taught that it is shameful to have to take paid employment. Besides,’ she added, determined to make a full confession, ‘it would have meant seeing you every day and being nothing to you, and then probably having to watch you look for a suitable mother for your children...’
‘Oh, my dear,’ he said, gripping her hands harder. ‘I hurt you so badly. I never meant it, you know.’
‘I know. But never mind that now.’ She wasn’t going to have to face that particular form of torture after all.
‘So you forgive me?’
She nodded.
A slow smile spread across his face. ‘So that is why Susan and Billy keep calling you Miss Alice. I thought it was...’ He shook his head. ‘I don’t know what I thought. But it was never, for one moment, that you were one of the family who owns this place.’ He burst out laughing. ‘Serves me right for getting so high in the instep the moment I inherit a title. That’ll teach me.’ But then his smile faded abruptly. ‘Why didn’t they take you with them? Why are you working in the kitchen, dressed like...like that?’
‘Well, I’m dressed like this—’ she gestured to her drab dress ‘—because I’m only the poor relation. And I’m working in the kitchen because it wouldn’t have been fair to expect Susan and Billy to wait on me when they don’t really know how. And I chose to stay behind when the family went off to Caldicott Abbey, because I was sick—’ she felt her cheeks heat ‘—of being at everyone’s beck and call. I wanted Christmas off. I didn’t think it was too much to ask.’
He gave her hands another squeeze. ‘Of course not. And I’m glad you stayed here, or I’d never have met you. But, may I remind you that you haven’t yet given me your answer?’
‘Oh! Why, it’s yes. Of course it’s yes, but—’
Captain Grayling didn’t let her finish. Just leapt to his feet and swept her into his arms. And kissed her. And then swung her round and round until she was physically giddy, as well as emotionally.
‘So,
it’s decided. We will be married as soon as I can find a vicar to do the deed.’ He linked his arms about her waist and smiled down at her. ‘There’s bound to be one hanging about at Caldicott Abbey. My friends will make us all welcome once I explain why I was delayed. And we will have warm beds and good food, and you will have servants to wait on you for a change. So go and pack your things, and—’
‘Caldicott Abbey? No, no I cannot possibly go there. Have you forgotten?’
His smile faded. ‘If you are worried it will be a touch awkward because of your family being there already, let me remind you that my rank will act as a deterrent to any nastiness they might formerly have indulged in. Besides,’ he said, giving her a squeeze, ‘I shan’t let them bully you.’
‘Oh, it isn’t that. It’s something worse. Far worse.’
‘How can it be worse?’
‘Well, for one thing they are going to be furious when they see you’ve poached Billy and Susan...’
He snorted. ‘That is entirely their own fault for treating them appallingly and not paying them properly. Come on, what is your real objection?’
‘Oh, dear. This is so...awkward.’ She placed her hands on his chest and gazed up into his eyes, knowing she’d have to prepare him for what awaited him at Caldicott Abbey, no matter how embarrassing it would be to tell him. ‘You see, my cousins have been talking of nothing else but the Earl they’d heard had been invited to the same house party as them. That was why it was so easy to induce them to leave me behind. They went on and on about how they were going to get themselves an earl for Christmas and how they’d never do it if they caught my cold, and ended up with red noses...’
Far from seeming annoyed at their presumption, he burst out laughing.
‘I’ve never heard anything so preposterous.’ Captain Grayling bent to kiss her nose. Her red, shiny nose. ‘It is you I love. The woman you are. It makes no difference to me what you look like.’ He winced. ‘That is not to say that I don’t find you very attractive, obviously. I mean...oh, hang it.’ He swooped and kissed her again, more thoroughly this time. To show her, she surmised, how he felt without having to use words, which were subject to misinterpretation.