He gave her another squeeze. “It’s okay now, Natalie. You’re safe.”
She sniffled twice, wiped her tears away, and propped herself up on her elbow. Xander could see in her eyes that she wasn’t scared, she was heartbroken.
“It’s not that, Xander.” Her voice faltered. She looked away toward the back of the room, stifling more tears.
Xander knew what was coming, but he didn’t see what came first.
Natalie looked back at him, holding his eyes. “I love you.”
Xander sat up. “I—”
“Wait,” Natalie interrupted. “Please, just let me get this out.”
He nodded.
She continued. “I love you, Alexander King. I have never felt this way about anyone in my entire life. Every second of every day I think of you. Whenever anything happens to me, whether it be getting that new role in a movie I wanted, or if it is just something stupid like the lady at the grocery store who looks like Carol Burnett, all I want to do is share it with you. I’ve never met a man like you. A man who cares more about the people close to him than he cares about himself—”
Xander interrupted, “That’s not exactly true—”
“Please. Please let me finish.”
Xander nodded.
“And there are a thousand more things I could mention. Your sense of humor, how sexy you are, but it’s your heart that makes you irresistible. And in your case, the very thing that makes you is also the very thing that breaks you. You want to fight everyone’s battles for them. Because you know you can. But as selfless as you are in doing that, it would be the thing that will always keep us apart. Because I can’t fight those battles with you. I’m not like Sam or Sarah. They were made for your world.”
“I can change my world.”
Natalie hung her head. Then she began to shake it. “No, you can’t.” She looked back up at him. “It’s who you are. There is something in you that is special. It’s what makes you the guy that people can call to come and save them. But I need someone that I know won’t go off and die for a righteous cause when he has a family at home that he needs to be around to protect.”
Xander was the one to hang his head this time. She saw enough in him to see herself having a family with him. Xander’s heart twisted inside his chest. He knew she was right. He knew it because his sister had been giving him this same speech for years. “You can’t save the whole world, Xander, and it isn’t your job to do so,” she would always say. And whenever Xander told her that he wasn’t trying to save the whole world, he always went running the next time he was called upon. And that is exactly what Natalie was saying to him now. But he would do anything to be with her. Whatever it took. She needed to know that.
Natalie spoke before he could. “And I know what you’re thinking. You could give it up if you wanted to. And I know you believe that, Xander. But one day, and it could be a month from now or it could be ten years from now, but one day your phone will ring and someone on the other end of that line will convince you that going and saving the country from another madman will actually be saving your family. And they may be right. But one of those times you take that call, I will get one from someone else telling me that this time, you didn’t make it. And that would destroy me.”
Xander shook his head, then made an attempt at lightening the mood. “So I take it you don’t believe in the old saying that it is better to have loved once than to never have loved at all?”
It fell flat.
“My heart wouldn’t be able to take it.”
“So that’s it?” Xander paused. He was trying not to get angry, because he knew she was right. But . . . “You’re just going to give up on someone you say you love?”
“You don’t understand—”
“No, you don’t understand, Natalie. You are right. I am a fighter. I will fight for those closest to me and those who need me. But I would never fight for anyone like I would fight for you. For us. And you’re right, maybe one day there would be a call I couldn’t refuse. And then I may not make it back home. But until that day, no one will ever love you like I will. No one will ever give more of themselves to you than I will. And if you think denying what we have forever is better than giving it all we’ve got until it’s over is the best way forward, then we see things very, very differently.”
Natalie just stared back at him. He hoped she would understand and see things his way. But if she didn’t, she didn’t. And he would spend as long as it took to try to change her mind.
“I’m sorry, Xander. It’s not that I disagree with you, I just can’t put myself through that. If I give myself to you fully and then lose you, I would never recover.”
Xander settled back down into the hospital bed and pulled Natalie into him. Neither one of them said another word, and he held her until they both drifted off to sleep.
First Kisses Beat the Hell Out of Last Kisses
When Xander woke up a couple of hours later, his head was pounding. He hoped that his conversation with Natalie was just a bad dream, but he knew that it wasn’t. He managed to free his arm from under her neck, shimmy out of the hospital bed, and make his way out of the room without waking her. Since that went so terribly with Natalie, he decided he may as well make it 0 for 2 and go ahead and have a conversation with Sarah. He knew better than anyone how Sarah was going to feel, having just been rejected himself.
He walked around the corner of the hallway into the waiting room, and Sam and Sarah both stood when he entered.
Sam said, “You look like hell. You need to get some sleep, Xander.”
“Thanks, Sam. I can always count on you for a nurturing hand.”
Sam put her hand to her hip. “I didn’t mean it like that. But bloody hell, at least let the nurse get you an Advil or ten.”
“I’m fine. Sarah, will you walk me down to get some coffee?”
Sarah gave a half smile. “Of course.”
“We’ll be right back, Sam.”
Xander started down the hall, and Sarah quickly caught up to him.
“Are you all right? You’ve been through a lot,” she said.
“I’m okay. Listen—”
“Xander, you don’t have to have this conversation with me. I’m not like a lot of girls. I don’t need you to coddle me. And I’m not blind. I can see how you feel about Natalie.”
“I’m sorry I took advantage of the situation and took it too far with you. I should never have let it happen feeling the way I do about Natalie.”
“It’s fine, Xander. You were confused. And it takes two. I wouldn’t change a minute of it. Don’t you remember how much fun the other night was?”
There Sarah was, letting him off the hook again. Unbelievable. Two amazing women and he couldn’t be with either one of them.
Karma.
He gave Sarah a wink. “It was an electrifying night, wasn’t it?”
Sarah smiled. “It really was. I’ll never forget it.”
Xander stopped walking and wrapped his arms around her. She hugged him back, then leaned away to look him in the eye. “Just promise me one thing?”
Xander nodded. “Of course.”
“Marry that girl. Make her the happiest woman in the world?”
Xander really didn’t know what to say, so he just went with what he felt. “I will do everything I can do. I promise.”
Sarah gave him a genuine smile. Then she leaned in and kissed him softly on the lips. Xander thought she was trying to let him off the hook, but instead it was clear that she wanted him to remember what he was missing. And miss it he would.
Sarah ended the kiss and gave his jaw one last caress. “I really have to go now and file all of this back in Langley. It’s going to be a mile of paperwork, so I’d better go so I can get started. Do me one last favor?”
“Of course.”
“When Kyle wakes up, tell him to call me,” Sarah said with a wry smile. “Tell him I still don’t believe he’s the ladies’ man everyone says he is.”
Xander raised his
eyebrow, nodded, and smiled from somewhere deep inside himself. “I will absolutely extend that challenge.”
“Goodbye, Xander.”
Xander watched as Sarah walked away, disappearing through the door to the stairs. He turned and walked back to the waiting room where Sam was waiting. She walked over to him, shaking her head in total disbelief.
“What?” Xander asked.
Sam continued shaking her head. “Have you got actual silver on that tongue of yours, or what?”
“Me?” Xander played coy. “Nah, it’s platinum.”
“I believe it after seeing that.”
“What do you mean?”
Sam stood with her hands on her hips. “Please. You break it off with a woman and she kisses you on the lips. What have you got hiding in those underpants of yours anyway?”
Xander just raised both arms, palms up, and made a “what can I say?” face. But it was clear that he didn’t pull it off. Sam saw right through it. Just as she always does.
“I take it, it didn’t go so well in there with Natalie.”
He shook his head.
“I’m sorry, Xander. I know what she means to you.” Sam leaned in and gave him hug.
“Thanks. Don’t get too mushy, though, you’ll ruin your reputation.”
Sam smacked him on the arm, and they walked over and sat down in the waiting room chairs.
Xander cleared his throat. “So, Viktor told me that he overheard Marv telling Director Hartsfield that one of the police officers told him you put quite the beating on poor ol’ Melanie.”
Sam let out a satisfied sigh. “Ah, you should have seen it, Xander. She wilted like a flower in a drought. It was embarrassing really.”
“I wish I could have seen it.” Xander laughed.
“Speaking of beatings, Kyle managed to tell me Khatib beat your ass out there on that boat.” Sam laughed.
Xander laughed and nodded. “Oh, is that what Kyle told you? Who’s the dead man? Answer me that.”
“Tough terrorist bloke, huh?”
“Right up until I put a bullet in his forehead.”
The two of them sat back and let a wave of exhaustion flow over them.
“Sam, what the hell is wrong with us?”
“What do you mean?”
Xander clasped his hands behind the back of his head. “What kind of people constantly run toward danger instead of away from it?”
“Real morons, I assure you.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah,” Sam confirmed.
“Yeah,” Xander agreed.
“But—” Sam stood as Kyle’s nurse entered the waiting room. Xander stood with her. “We may be complete morons, but at least we don’t run from who we really are.”
Xander nodded, but as the nurse told them that Kyle was awake and they could go in and see him, Xander realized that the conversation he was about to have with all of them couldn’t contradict that sentiment more.
It’s All Over but the Crying
Xander and the team walked into Kyle’s hospital room to find him sitting up with a smile on his battered face. Xander would never be able to express how much he loved that crazy son of a bitch. You just couldn’t keep his spirits down. But Xander thought he’d give it a shot.
“You wouldn’t be smiling like that if you knew what your face looked like.” Xander and everyone else, including Kyle, had a laugh at his expense.
“Ha, ha. I still saved your ass by nailing that guy coming up behind you on that boat.”
Xander walked over and gave Kyle a hug. “That you did.” He decided to let Kyle have the moment. He would of course tell Sam as soon as he could about the whole “Yahtzee” thing. It was too good not to share.
Kyle said, “Thanks you guys, for hanging around. You didn’t have to do that.”
Zhanna spoke up as she pointed to the casts on Kyle’s arm and leg. “This might cramp playboy style for a little bit, no?”
Kyle smiled. “Oh, I see how it is. Zhanna does have a sense of humor. And you mean these?” Kyle furrowed his brow and scoffed as he looked down at the casts. “These, I assure you, will only help.”
They all laughed. Jack tipped his cowboy hat. “Kyle, you got more lead in that pencil than a Number 2 factory. I swear, I ain’t seen nothin’ like it.”
Viktor laughed. “Maybe Kyle and Viktor look for women together in Kentucky. I heard it is land of beautiful women and fast horses.”
Xander laughed. “I agree, Viktor, the two of you should definitely look for women together, but you’ve got the saying backward. Kentucky is the land of fast women and beautiful horses.”
Viktor really liked that one. After the laughter died off, Sam spoke up before Xander had the chance to say what was on his mind.
“I’ve got a bit of news.”
Kyle jumped in, “Let me guess, it’s about work.”
“Are you certain they don’t need to wire your jaw shut?” Sam quipped back. “Anyway, okay, it is about work. But it’s phenomenal news if you ask me.”
“All right, well spill it,” Jack said.
Sam explained, “I had a talk with Mary Hartsfield, whom you are all aware is the director of the CIA.”
Marvin walked in at that moment, and everyone gave him a happy hello.
After everyone finished their hellos and thank-yous, Sam said, “Good timing actually, Marv, this concerns you as well. Director Hartsfield was so impressed with how we all have worked together over the last couple of weeks that she wants to continue on with a good thing.”
“Okay,” Kyle said. “What exactly does that mean?”
“Well, if everyone wants to remain involved, she has discussed it with the higher-ups, including the President of the United States, and she wants to make an unprecedented move and give us a special unit of our own within the CIA. To operate however we see fit when we are tasked with a mission. It’s the first time something like this has happened in the program’s history. Free reign.”
Everyone was shocked to hear the news, and it was something everyone was excited to hear, because none of the ragtag group had any allegiance outside of the group. Staying together was the best-case scenario for them. Everyone was happy to hear the news except Xander, that is. And Sam could see it all over his face.
“Xander, I know you don’t want to be encumbered by the government. But this is the only way they will let us work together in this capacity going forward. Mary said we get to choose the name and all. And the way she explained it, you and I will truly work independently to set the rules of engagement. We’ll answer to no one.”
Xander nodded, but his mood didn’t change. “That’s great, Sam. It really is.”
“But?” Kyle asked.
Xander nodded to his friend. “But . . . I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m done.”
Everyone was silent for a moment; then Viktor let out a laugh. “Boss, that is good one. You almost had Viktor. You really are funny guy. That is like fat man saying he is done eating forever. Ha-ha. Boss could never quit taking out bad guy. That is good one!”
Everyone else remained silent, including Xander.
Sam broke the silence. “I don’t think he is joking, Viktor.”
Xander crossed his arms. “I’m not. I’m finished. This entire thing, the last few weeks, I am so proud to have fought beside you all. But none of it should ever have happened. All of this has been because of my inability to just let things go. And I have put every single one of you in danger, which you should never have been in.”
“You know we wouldn’t have wanted to be anywhere else,” Jack said.
“I know, Jack,” Xander said. “But that doesn’t change anything. This last twenty-four hours just happened to end up that no one died. But there sits my best friend . . .” Xander had to stop; emotion overwhelmed him. Sam stepped over and put her hand on his shoulder. Xander took a moment, then pointed to Kyle. “There sits my best friend in the world, broken, and he is lucky that it wasn’t worse.”
“Xander, I’ll be fine, brother. This shit will heal.” Kyle tried to soften the mood.
“I know it will. This time. But Natalie is right. One of these times when I go playing hero, someone else, if not me, is going to end up like Sean back in Syria, dead. And I can’t go through that again.”
Everyone was silent. That was a point that was hard to argue.
“But that doesn’t mean you all can’t go on and be a part of this special unit. It just won’t involve me.”
Zhanna said, “Well, then, unit would not be so special.”
“Thank you, Zhanna. You’re sweet. But this is the way it is. I have too many wonderful things to live for. I have you guys, my sister and my niece, and hopefully a shot at that woman in the other room. Time will tell. But I need to get back to the other things I love in life. My budding bourbon company, my horses that are training hard every day. I want to be a part of those things. If I throw myself into that, it will be easier not to answer that call when it comes.”
Jack cleared his throat. “If I may?”
Xander nodded.
“Son, that all sounds real good. And I believe you really mean it when you say it. But a shark kills his prey to live. It’s just his nature. Same as you and going after the enemy. It’s just the man you’ve become. I support you no matter what you decide, but just don’t lie to yourself.”
Marv said, “I agree with Jack. I’ve known you for a long time, can’t see you hanging it up so young, X. The country needs you.”
“Understood, Jack, Marv. But I’m sorry, guys, I can’t do it anymore. But I am certain if it’s the life you all still want, the CIA will absolutely find a place for you.”
“Well, that was a buzz kill.” Kyle winked. “But I hear you. I’m glad you said it. I want you around for a long time. Let’s get back home and sell some bourbon! Sam, you can scare off the drunks at the parties.”
Sam went more literal. “More like actually put some decent security in place. No more villains sneaking into the stables.”
Xander gave Sam a squeeze. The six of them hung around for a while, filling each other in on just how crazy the last twenty-four hours had been. All the while sharing some laughs and signing Kyle’s casts.
King's Ransom (The Xander King Series Book 3) Page 22