by Kate Lattey
Until now.
I turned the corner towards the Campbells were parked, then stopped, feeling incredibly stupid. The truck was dark, the ramp was up and the doors firmly closed. Nobody home. I was glad that the receding daylight hid the blush on my skin as I realised that I’d been taken in. It was stupid of me, really, to think that Connor actually wanted to spend time with me. He was probably sitting in Anna’s truck right now, laughing about my naivety in thinking that I’d actually made a friend.
Stupid, stupid, stupid.
I turned on my heel and decided to go and check on my ponies again. I couldn’t go straight back to our truck, not with Dad sitting there. He’d want to know why I was back so soon, and I’d have to come up with some excuse, because if I told him the truth, he’d go charging off to defend me. And of all the things in the world that I didn’t need right now, I definitely didn’t need that.
“Susannah!”
I spun around to see Connor striding towards me, looking puzzled. “Where’re you going?”
“Um…” I motioned towards his dark truck. “I didn’t know where you were, so…” I let the sentence trail off, and he grimaced.
“Took longer to sort my horses out than I expected. Grace didn’t fill up the water buckets like I told her to, and Rex had the wrong rug on and was sweating like a demon under it, and then Summer choked on her hay…” He threw his hands up in despair. “Always something, eh.”
I smiled, retracing my steps in his direction. “Yeah, tell me about it. Is Summer okay?”
“Oh yeah, she’s fine. I took the hay off her and left it to soak, so I’ve just gotta remember to give it back to her later on.” He was walking back towards his truck as he spoke, and reached up to open the side door. “C’mon in.”
He flicked the lights on as we entered the truck, and I shut the door behind me as I followed.
“Where is everyone?”
“At the Jessops’ tonight,” he said, opening the coffee-table-drinks-cooler in the middle of the room and pulling out two glass bottles. “Their turn to feed the hordes. Cheers.”
Connor popped the lid off one of the bottles, and held it out to me. I didn’t want to be rude, so I took it. I could smell the alcohol mixed with the sickly sweet lemon fizz, but wasn’t sure how to tell him that I didn’t drink without sounding like a complete loser. Connor clinked his own bottle against mine, then raised it to his lips, watching me as he took a long swallow. I gave in and followed suit, letting the cold liquid slide down my throat. I was thirstier than I’d realised, and the strong taste of lemon almost cancelled out the unfamiliar taste of the alcohol.
Almost.
“Sit down, and I’ll find that video for you.”
I did as I was told, taking a seat amongst the jackets and potato chip packets and piles of show catalogues that were scattered around on the leather sofa. Connor was rummaging around in the corner, muttering under his breath as he looked for something. It was warm in the truck, and I unzipped my jacket and took it off, revealing the lacy white top that I’d put on underneath.
“Where’d she put it? Oh, here.”
He pulled out an iPad in a bright pink case, and I raised my eyebrows at him as I took another long, cold drink. I was getting used to the taste. And I could get used to the way Connor was looking at me, his eyes roving appreciatively over the cleavage that the top showed. I’d debated whether to wear it or pick something a little more casual, but I was glad now that I’d made what was clearly the right choice.
Connor cleared his throat and looked down at the iPad in his hands.
“Not mine, obviously,” he assured me, sitting down right next to me and putting his feet up on the coffee table. I watched his long fingers swipe across the iPad screen, searching for the right files. His shoulder was warm against mine, and he was sitting so close that our hips were touching.
“Here.” He crossed his legs, pressing his thigh against mine, and turned slightly in my direction. “This is her at the Young Horse Champs in Aussie last year.”
He took another long drink as the video started to play. It was a bit fuzzy and the screen was smudged with fingerprints, so it took me a moment to pick out Star in amongst the jumps. I sipped at the drink in my hand as the camera zoomed in and found her, and she made her way around the course. The little mare jumped well, springing cleanly over every fence and finishing the course with a clear round.
“What d’you think?”
“Nice,” I said. “She looks good.”
“Your type of horse, I reckon.” He swiped off the screen, then scrolled through the files, looking for something else. “There’s another one here somewhere. Aha.”
I leaned back against the cushions and watched Star schooling at what had clearly been her previous home. The sand arena was surrounded by gum trees, and the sound of her hooves crunching against the surface was occasionally interrupted by the screech of raucous birds. This video was better quality, and I leaned my head back against the wall as I watched. That changed the angle, though, and I reached over and tilted the screen in my direction.
Connor moved his hand, so that our fingers brushed against each other. He turned his head and I could hear the smile in his voice, could feel his breath against my skin as he spoke.
“Better?”
I nodded, then took another swallow of the drink, realising that somehow, I’d drunk the whole thing already.
“Ready for a refill?” Connor asked, taking the empty bottle from my hand and pressing the iPad into my lap as he moved his feet and flipped up the coffee table lid.
“Uh…” I wasn’t sure how much alcohol was in those drinks, but any at all would be more than I was used to, and I didn’t think I should drink too much more. “Maybe just a Coke.”
Connor looked guilty as he held out another bottle towards me. “Sorry, I already opened it. And I think we’re out of Coke. Gracie drinks the stuff like it’s going off the market. But I can get you some water, if you want?”
I shook my head, not wanting to be a nuisance, and took the drink from him. One more couldn’t hurt, and I didn’t even feel any different after the first one. The alcohol content was probably pretty low. “It’s fine. Thanks.”
Connor grinned at me again as he sat back against the sofa cushions, and this time he put his arm across the back of the sofa, his fingertips brushing my shoulder. I swallowed down another long gulp of the sweet drink, and repositioned the iPad on my lap. This time it was Connor’s turn to adjust it slightly, so that he could see it too.
“That okay?” he asked. I could tell he was looking at me, so I turned my head and smiled at him.
“Yeah, fine.”
Star trotted across the screen, but neither of us were watching her any more. Connor’s eyes were locked on mine, and he raised one hand to brush the back of his fingers against my cheek. I wondered, weirdly, what he’d done with the drink he’d just had in his hand, then forgot about that as he leaned in and kissed me.
I’d spent all of last night wondering what he’d meant by that first kiss. Whether he’d planned it, or if it had been spur of the moment. Whether he actually liked me, or had just been doing it to see if he could. Whether he’d want more, or whether one kiss would be enough.
That question, at least, had just been answered. I kissed him back carefully, nervously, hoping I was doing it right. Hoping he couldn’t tell how inexperienced I was. Trying to think less, and just live in the moment, letting my instincts take over.
He was smiling when we eventually broke apart, cupping the side of my face in the palm of his hand. His thumb traced a lazy line across my cheekbone, and I felt my brain get even fuzzier than it was already feeling. Maybe there was something in that bottle that was affecting me after all.
“You’re so…pretty.” I blinked at him, and he looked surprised. “What, you don’t think you’re pretty?”
“I…” How was I supposed to answer that question? I knew I wasn’t ugly, but to agree with him would sound l
ike vanity. I clamped my mouth shut, then noticed his laughing expression.
“Shut up.”
He chuckled. “Well in case you’re wondering, you are.” He leaned in and kissed me again, softly, on the lips. “Very, very pretty,” he murmured.
Then his mouth moved down my neck, and I could feel my whole body start to tingle. Connor’s lips were on my collarbone now, and I was struggling to stay sitting up under the pressure of his weight leaning against me. I braced myself slightly, and he murmured again.
“Lie back.”
I turned my head, glancing behind me at the pile of his family’s belongings covering the sofa cushions. “Uh…”
Connor raised his head and saw my predicament. Propping himself up on one knee, he leaned right over me and used his free arm to sweep all of it onto the floor.
“That’s better. Now…”
And he was pushing me back until I was lying on the sofa, and he was half up against it, half on top of me. His lanky body was pressed against the back of the sofa, and his long legs lay over mine. And then he was kissing me again, and I stopped thinking about anything other than the weight of him, the sensation of his skin so close to mine, the heady smell of his deodorant, the slight tang of sweat underneath it. His hair brushed my neck as his lips traced the line of my collarbone, and his hand slid over my stomach, his callouses snagging on the soft fabric. Then his hand was touching my breast, and I tensed up involuntarily, until his mouth was over mine again, kissing me intensely, and I let go of my inhibitions. I’d never been that kind of girl before, but maybe I could be tonight.
Maybe it was time to live a little.
I moved my own hands, sliding them up the back of his shirt and feeling the heat of his smooth, bare skin as I pulled him in closer towards me. He responded by kissing me harder, then shifted more of his weight over top of me.
Just go with it. Be that girl.
My breath was coming faster now, and Connor’s hand was underneath my top and sliding across bare skin. My body was responding to him in all the right ways, but my brain couldn’t keep up with it.
Be that girl.
I can’t.
I squirmed and turned my head aside, breaking our kiss. Connor pulled back, looking down at me with a furrowed brow.
“You okay?”
I nodded. “Yeah, I just…”
“We’ll go slow,” he said. “Sorry. I got a bit carried away, but you just…” His hands were still all over me, his hips pressed against mine. I swallowed hard as he leaned in and softly kissed my cheek. “You’re just so damn pretty, it’s hard to stop kissing you.”
As if to prove his point, he kissed me again as he slid his hand back down to my hip and pulled me up against him. I sucked in a breath, and he smiled.
“You like that?” he asked, shifting his weight again, bringing us closer together still.
“I…” I pulled back from him, trying to get my head straight.
This was all moving too fast now, and I had no experience with this. But he just kept kissing me, not giving me a chance to think too much about what was going on. My head was fuzzy, and he was warm, and everything was slightly hazy around the edges. I didn’t think I was drunk, not properly, but it wasn’t easy to get my head straight. Not with him kissing me like that, and then suddenly I realised that he’d unbuttoned my jeans, and his hand was moving lower, and I jerked away from him.
“Stop!”
Connor broke our kiss, but he didn’t move his hand. “It’s okay. You’re okay. Just relax.”
He leaned in to kiss me again, trying to distract me, but my internal panic button was on full alert. I squirmed away from him, trying to sit up, but he was a lot taller and heavier than I was, and his weight kept me pinned to the leather seat.
“Let me go!”
He moved his hand at last, but he didn’t let me up. His body weight continued to hold me down as he frowned at me, his disappointment turning to annoyance.
“Don’t freak out, jeez. We’re having a good time, that’s all. Just chill.”
But the moment of my own indecision was well and truly gone. I needed to get up and get away from him. I put a hand on his shoulder and pushed him, trying to get him off me, but he wouldn’t budge. If anything, he leaned more heavily on me, as if proving that he was stronger than I was, and that I was at his mercy. For a horrifying moment I felt utterly powerless, and fear washed over me as I wondered whether I should try screaming. Would anyone even hear me?
It was worth a shot. “Get off!” I shouted the words as loudly as I could, pummelling ineffectively at his broad shoulder, desperate to be free.
Connor gave me a disgusted look, but he shifted his weight at last, and I moved quickly, sliding out from underneath him and onto my knees on the vinyl-coated floor. I scrambled to my feet and swiftly buttoned my jeans, feeling my hands shaking as I did.
“We were just having a bit of fun.” Connor leaned back against the cushions, one arm still across the back of the sofa, looking completely nonchalant.
“That wasn’t fun.”
He rolled his eyes. “Oh, come on. Don’t act like you didn’t want it.”
“I…what?”
“You came here alone, dressed like that.” He waved a hand in my direction, and I felt my skin crawl at the thought of him touching me again. “You must’ve known what was going to happen.”
I stared at him, horrified. “What? No. I came here to see videos of Star.”
But even as I spoke, I wondered if he was right. I’d worn the lacy top because it was pretty, and because it showed off some cleavage. I’d planned for him to see it. And I’d kissed him back, and let him undress me, at least partway. That meant I’d wanted more. Didn’t it? But he’d crossed the line of what I was comfortable with, and he hadn’t stopped when I’d told him to. Well, he’d stopped, but not right away. My head swirled, and I felt dizzy and sick to my stomach. I had to get out of that truck. I took a step towards the door as Connor picked up his half-empty bottle from the floor and took a gulp, then wiped his mouth with the back of his hand.
“Fine, piss off then. If I’d known you were such a little tease, I wouldn’t have bothered in the first place.”
He picked my jacket up off the floor and threw it at me. The zipper hit me in the lip, and it stung. I blinked furiously as tears prickled the corners of my eyes. Do. Not. Cry. Not in front of him. I fumbled at the door handle, my hands shaking. Get out. Get out get out get out. I finally got the catch to open, and stumbled down the steps into the cool night air.
I left the door open behind me. Let Connor get up and shut it himself. I walked fast, wanting to put as much distance between myself and him as possible. My legs were shaking, and the world around me seemed to be tilting. How much had I had to drink?
I stopped at last outside our large silver truck. The lights were still on, which meant Dad was still awake. I wondered if he’d be able to smell the alcohol on me. I wondered what else he’d be able to tell.
I turned around and went towards the yards instead, going the long way around so that I wouldn’t have to walk back past Connor’s truck. My ponies were dozing in their yards. Skip and Forbes were standing up, but Buck was lying down, flat on his side and breathing heavily.
“Hi boys.”
Skip opened his eyes sleepily and whiffled his nostrils at me. Forbes twitched an ear back and forth, and otherwise ignored me. Buck slept on. I gave Skip a quick rub between his eyes, then left him to sleep, slipping instead into Buck’s yard.
“How you doing, old man?” He didn’t notice as I sat down near his head, resisting the temptation to wake him. He was sleeping soundly, and I rested my chin on my knees and closed my eyes, listening to the soothing sound of his deep, slow breaths.
How could I have been so stupid as to think that Connor actually liked me? That he actually had some interest in me, and wasn’t just chasing another conquest? I’d known what he was like, had known better than to get involved with his games. And
yet I’d fallen for them all, hook, line and sinker. I’d made an idiot of myself, and I hugged my knees tighter, dreading what tomorrow was going to bring.
CHAPTER FIVE
~ NATIONAL DISASTER ~
I made it back to the truck eventually and brushed my teeth before Dad had a chance to smell any alcohol on my breath, scrubbed the makeup off my face before he could notice the smeared mascara on my cheeks, and changed into my pyjamas with hardly a word to him. He was distracted by his work, and kept running his hand constantly through his greying hair, putting his reading glasses on and then taking them off again, and muttering to himself.
I was thinking longingly of my bed – right up until I crawled into it. Safe at last, I told myself, snuggling down and closing my eyes tightly, cocooning myself amongst the familiar warmth and weight of heavy blankets. But I couldn’t relax, let alone fall asleep. I shifted around constantly, tossing and turning until Dad asked whether there were fleas in my bed. I assured him that there weren’t, and did my best to lie still.
Lie back.
I shivered, and pressed my face into my pillow. My lip stung, and I knew it was swollen where the zipper had hit it.
You’re overreacting. What actually happened?
Nothing.
Too much.
I flickered in and out of sleep all night, occasionally dozing off for a few minutes, only to jerk awake again. I lay still, wrapping my arms around myself and trying to fall back asleep again, but sleep refused to come.
I wanted to take a shower. I could still feel his lips on my neck, my chest. His hands, sliding across my skin, unchecked, uninvited…
I felt sick, and I knew that I couldn’t lie still any longer. I rolled onto my side and checked my phone for the time. Quarter to six – early enough at last to get up. It was already light outside, but there wouldn’t be too many people around yet. I wriggled out from under my blankets and climbed down from the loft above the truck cab. Dad was still asleep, stretched out on the narrow bed behind the seats. Tradition dictated that he slept there. Mum and I had always shared the loft, and Pete had slept on a stretcher in the horse area.