I didn’t know what to do about him spreading rumors. Claire didn’t think he’d told anyone else, but he’d told Toff the same lie. I stared at my phone for a long time before working up the nerve to text Toff, but I finally did.
“U around? I need 2 C U.”
He replied immediately. “U ok?”
Guilt over how I’d been ignoring him since our argument about Jake washed over me. Even though most of our relationship was based on teasing and joking, I knew he cared about me.
“Yeah. But I need to c u.”
“Name it. I’m there.”
I glanced at the clock. It was almost time to close the shop. Mom had texted me she’d be home late and to eat without her.
“6:00 at the cove.” Hopefully we’d be the only ones there. The last thing I needed was to encounter somebody doing the nasty with Toff and me as an accidental audience.
“C U then.”
...
Empty beer bottles and dead cigarettes dotted the sand in the cove, along with kelp strands and broken seashells. I unfolded my ratty beach blanket and sank onto it, hugging my knees to my chest and staring out to the ocean. The sun had just set and it was cold, but I didn’t care. Stars winked above me. I closed my eyes listening to the rhythmic pounding of the surf.
“Hey.” Toff flopped next to me.
I opened my eyes, grateful to see his easy grin. “Hey, yourself.” I smiled, but it felt hollow.
He pushed a strand of hair behind his ear. “What’s up, Wordworm? It must be bad if you’re asking me for help.”
Instead of making me laugh, his comment made tears well in my eyes, surprising me. I turned away, but not before he saw the tears. He wrapped an arm around my shoulders, pulling me close.
“Viv, what is it? Now you’re freaking me out.” He pulled me even closer, and I was grateful it felt like a brotherly hug, nothing more.
“I need to know something.” I took a breath, then plunged ahead. “Remember when we talked about Jake? And you asked if I…if we…” My voice trailed away as his grip loosened.
“Yeah,” he said, his voice wary. “What about it?”
“I want to know who else he told.”
He sighed heavily, dropping his arm from my shoulders. The cool breeze raised goose bumps where his arm had been.
“Does it matter?”
I turned to face him, anger flaring in my chest. “Of course it matters. It was a lie, Toff. And you’re not the only one who’s heard about it.”
He frowned. “What’s going on, Viv? Is Jake hassling you?”
I turned back toward the ocean. “Not directly. But he’s… using me, sort of. Telling people that he and I… even though we didn’t.”
Toff’s body tensed next to me. “I’ll kick his ass. Just say the word.”
I leaned my chin on my knees. “I’d like that. But I want to do it. I’m thinking maybe a crossbow. Or poison.”
Toff laughed softly. “Don’t forget castration.” Even though the darkening sky hid his face in the shadows, I could tell his jokes hid discomfort. “Jake says that about every girl he dates.”
“Seriously?” My heart pounded in my chest.
Toff nodded, looking out to the ocean rather than at me. “According to him, he’s slept with every girl who’s just said hi to him in the hall.” He glanced at me. “We all know he’s mostly full of it, but I also know he’s not a complete liar…” He shrugged.
He picked up a seashell and chucked it toward the water. “I’ve been thinking about what you said. That double-standard thing. You’re right; it’s not fair.” He picked up another shell and hurled it across the sand. “But that’s not what I meant, that night we argued. I wasn’t calling you a slut. I’d never say that about you.”
I drew circles in the sand with the toe of my shoe as I worked out what I wanted to say. “It’s weird how you and I have always been friends…way before our parents mortified us by dating.”
The sound of his laughter warmed me, and made the knot in my stomach loosen.
“Yeah,” he said. “I guess I’ve just always felt like I should look out for you or whatever. Like when kids used to call you Chunky Monkey when we were younger. I saw you crying one day under the slide and I felt bad for you.”
“Oh wow. So you’re a pity friend? Great.”
He fake-punched me on the shoulder. “I guess you grew on me, sort of like algae.”
“You sure know how to make a girl feel special, Flipper. Next thing I know, you’ll ask me on a pity date.”
He laughed. “Yeah, right. Somehow I don’t see that working out. You’d drag me to a boring foreign romance movie. With subtitles.”
“And you’d take me to that greasy burrito place I hate.”
“I’d fall asleep in the movie.”
“We’d get kicked out because you snore so loud.” I shoulder-bumped him.
“And because of the burping since I ate all those greasy burritos.”
“You. Are. Disgusting.” I fake-punched him three times, once with each word.
He leaned back on his elbows and grinned up at me. “You always said you wanted a brother.”
Tugging my knees into my chest, I returned his grin. “Yeah, it’s like this creepy Brady Bunch thing our parents are doing to us, huh?”
He snorted. “You’re definitely not hot enough to be Marcia. Sorry, Jan.” He crossed his eyes at me. “Anyway, we were friends before they started dating.”
“True,” I said. “I’m glad we’re agreed on the pity date. We’d kill each other.” I hesitated, then plunged ahead. “What about Amy? Ever think of asking her out?”
He glanced at me, brow furrowed. “The redhead?”
I nodded, hoping maybe he’d show a flicker of interest.
“Huh. I never, uh, looked at her…like that.”
“I thought you looked at everyone like that.”
He pretended to look offended. “Dude, that hurts. I’m not a total man-whore.”
“Uh-huh.”
“Amy, huh?” He sat up and chucked another seashell toward the waves. “I’m sort of on a hiatus from chicks right now.”
“Fancy word, bro.”
He shot me a dark look. “Watch it, Wordworm. You’re not the only one who can read.”
“Ooh, fighting words.”
He grinned. “Anyway. I’m taking a break from girls.”
I decided to stop joking. “You okay? Somebody break your heart?”
He shook his head. “Nah. Just…you know. Gotta focus on grades and stuff to stay on the team.”
“Uh oh. Need any help?”
“Not from you, Wordworm.” He winked. “I prefer hot tutors.”
I threw my hands up in frustration. “You just said you were taking a break from girls!”
His grin was sly. “I meant a break from relationships. That’s different.”
I shook my head in disgust. “P.I.G.,” I spelled out.
“Nope. Just a guy who appreciates a nice view.”
“Oh my God, Toff! Never mind what I said about Amy. She’s too sweet for you.”
He was quiet for a moment, then shrugged. “Probably so.” He glanced at me. “Anyway, I’m relieved to hear I’m off your stupid list. What the hell were you thinking, putting me on there?”
Son of a…Jaz would be lucky to make it to Christmas.
His low laugh rumbled over the sound of the waves. “You had to know she’d tell me. That chick has a big mouth.”
I dropped my head to my knees. “She might as well have rented a billboard,” I mumbled into my jeans.
“She’s worried about you. And she knows we’re friends.”
I raised my head and met his gaze, which was warm and sympathetic.
“Anyway,” he said, “it’s a good thing we cleared this up because if you had been stupid enough to ask me out, Vespa Guy would’ve kicked my ass.”
“What?” My voice was barely a whisper.
Toff narrowed his eyes. “Viv, as much a
s I like you, sometimes you’re kind of a dumbass.” His face softened into an easy grin. “You seriously don’t know how Dallas feels about you?”
I shook my head, wondering if the raw hope leaping around inside of me was visible on my face.
Toff rolled his eyes. “Man, this big brother gig sucks. But I can’t watch you mope around like an abandoned puppy.” He sighed and shifted to face me. “Seriously, Viv. What is up with you and Dallas? He’s dating some chick he doesn’t even like, and you’re going on these…mission dates or whatever the hell you call them. Why are you two being so stubborn?”
“What do you mean, he doesn’t like Kylie?”
“Well, I mean…he sort of likes her. But not the way he likes you. Any guy who wastes time reading your sucky blog has like, serious feelings or whatever.”
I gaped at him. “Dallas told you about my blog?”
Toff nodded. “See what I mean? He’s lucky I like him, or I would’ve totally busted his chops about it in front of the other guys.”
I didn’t know what to do with this information. I hoped it was true, but I also felt horribly guilty about Kylie. I’d practically forced Dallas to ask her out. I didn’t want her to be part of my collateral damage, too.
“I had my chance with Dallas and I blew it. Honestly, he’s better off with someone who appreciates how awesome he is.”
Toff rolled his eyes. “You’re totally overselling the guy.”
I opened my mouth to protest but Toff spoke first. “Kidding. He’s cool. And at least I know he isn’t a jackass like Jake.” His eyes glittered with anger under the moonlight. “You sure you don’t want me to kick that guy’s ass? Cuz I will.”
“Nah,” I said, standing up to brush sand off my legs. I smiled down at him, thinking of all the times he’d had my back over the years. “I’m glad we talked, Flipper. Believe it or not, I kind of missed you.”
He stood up and grabbed the blanket, shaking the sand off. “Of course you did. I’m missable. Lovable. Kissable. All the ‘ables.’”
I laughed as we folded the blanket into a messy square. “And so, so humble.”
He grinned and yanked my hair, then tucked the blanket under his arm.
We walked back to our bikes, laughing and teasing each other, our easy friendship settling around me like a comfy old hoodie. I truly had missed him.
Almost as much as I missed Dallas.
“Curious how often you humans manage to obtain that which you do not want.” —Spock
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
Monday, October 6
Henry waited for me at my locker, his face pinched yet determined. I slowed as I approached, anxiety blooming in my stomach. “Hi, Henry.”
He nodded, moving slightly so that I could open my locker. I spun the lock, grateful for something to do because I had a premonition things were about to get weird.
“Vivian. How are you today? You’re looking well.”
He sounded like he’d rehearsed his lines, which made me even more anxious. “I’m groovalicious, Henry. How are you?”
He didn’t smile at my stupid joke. “Very well, thank you.” He shoved at his glasses, reminding me of Dallas, but not. He cleared his throat. “Do you have t-time for a question?” His voice wobbled and my heart fissured because I feared I knew exactly where this was going.
“Um, sure. I have newspaper at three thirty but I have a few minutes.” Please, please don’t let him ask me out again.
His Adam’s apple bobbed up and down, then he spoke, his voice still unsteady. “I’m here to ask you to accompany me to the Surfer Ball.” His entire face flushed beet red. “I know it’s traditional for girls to ask guys, but I-I um...” His voice faded, like he’d forgotten his lines.
I was appalled by the raw hope in his eyes. Hope I was about to crush. Maybe I should just say yes, just go to make him happy. But after my discussion with Toff, I’d vowed to be true to myself, and others, even if it meant I couldn’t have the guy I wanted. I didn’t want to hurt anyone else, and saying yes when I meant no would only hurt Henry in the long run. I took a deep breath.
“Thank you for asking me, Henry. That’s sweet. But I…I can’t go with you. I’m sorry.”
He dropped his gaze to the floor. “You have another date.”
It would be easy to lie, but I wouldn’t. No more pretending. “No. I’m not going to the dance. I just…don’t want to go.”
He raised his eyes. The hope was gone, and now he looked hurt. “That day you asked me for pre-calc help. You didn’t need my help.”
I bit my lip, feeling myself blush with guilt. “Well, I…”
“Don’t bother, Vivian. I know it’s true.” He shifted his books. “I thought maybe you asked me to meet you because…” His cheeks flamed. “Never mind.”
Oh my God. What had I done? I heard Dallas’s voice: “You know about collateral damage, right? Somebody always gets hurt.”
Henry turned away, but not before I saw the expression on his face. He looked like I must have when I saw Dallas holding Kylie’s hand.
“Henry. I’m sorry. I really am.” My words echoed down the hallway but he kept walking, head down, his gait hurried.
Tears pooled in the corners of my eyes. God, I was an idiot. Why had I ever thought anyone could be logical about love? Or that I could just pick guys off a list like I was grocery shopping? My stomach twisted in knots as I watched Henry disappear into the crowd.
If true love ever did find me, I’d send it packing because I didn’t deserve it.
...
After a long, boring newspaper meeting, I closed my locker, grateful the drama-filled school day was over. I closed my eyes, breathing deeply but when I opened them, Nathan stood there, staring down at me, looking as nervous as Henry had earlier this afternoon.
Oh no. What had Iggy done? I couldn’t handle any more boy drama today.
“Hey, Vivian.” He flashed me a tight smile. “Do you have a sec?”
Not again. Swallowing nervously, I nodded but moved toward the doors. “I need to go, but you can walk with me.”
“Sure,” Nathan said, falling into step with me. “So, um, this is kind of awkward…” His voice was low. “It’s…uh…about Iggy.”
Oh my God. He must know about my list, thanks to blabbermouth Iggy. Could this day get any worse?
I stopped and turned to face him. “Please don’t.” I sounded desperate. “Iggy wasn’t supposed to tell anyone.”
He frowned, his eyes clouding with confusion. “So…Iggy knows already?”
It was my turn to look confused.
“I think we’re talking about two separate things.” He took a breath. “But what I wanted to ask is…you and Iggy are friends, right?”
I nodded, anxiety chewing up my insides.
He stood very still, but I could sense his apprehension. “Do you think…” He stopped and took a breath. “Is he…um, seeing anyone right now?”
It took so long for his words to compute in my addled brain that Nathan turned away, but not before saw I how devastated he looked.
“No, no!” I finally sputtered, as the pieces finally fell into place. “He’s not. Seeing anyone.”
Nathan turned back to me, eyes lighting with hope. “Really?”
I nodded, grinning with relief. I couldn’t wait to tell Iggy our gaydar sucked. “I think he’d definitely be interested.”
Nathan smiled shyly. “You think so?”
“Oh yeah. He’s very…aware…of you.”
Nathan cleared his throat and glanced away, embarrassed. “Okay. Cool.” He glanced at me. “So what were you talking about? What did you think I was going to ask you?”
Laughter bubbled out of me and he frowned. “What’s so funny?”
“Nothing. Nothing at all. Do you want Iggy’s number?” I dug in my pocket for my cell but Nathan shook his head, waving his phone at me.
“Already got it, for newspaper stuff.”
“Cool.” I tilted my head toward his phon
e. “What are you waiting for?”
He grinned. “Thanks, Viv.”
...
“GUESS WHO TEXTED ME FOR A DATE??!!!” Ig’s text message might as well have been a holler from the rooftops. I grinned at my phone as I unlocked my bike. Nathan worked fast; good for him.
“I know,” I replied. “So much for our gaydar.”
“Right??? First time it’s failed me!” Followed by smiley faces, hearts, and rainbow emoticons.
At least someone’s love life was looking up. I was happy for Ig and Nathan, even as sadness over my own stupidity pressed in on me like the ocean fog, filling me with damp sadness and bleak regret.
I rode my bike home slowly, hoping to unknot my tangled emotions. My mission was a complete bust. None of my targets were right: not Drew, definitely not Toff, and then poor Henry who thought he was right for me…but I’d broken his heart because he wasn’t the right target.
When I saw Reg kicking back on the bench, his head tipped back soaking in the last rays of sunshine before the sun dipped behind the horizon, I coasted to a stop.
He opened one eye to look at me when I sat next to him. “Pastry Princess. How’s tricks?”
I gave him a half-hearted smile. “Trickier than usual.” I stretched out my legs. “Have you ever been in love, Reg?”
He turned to face me, opening both eyes. “Hell, yeah. Best time of my life.” He wheezed as he shifted on the bench. “Also the worst.” He shrugged and shot me his familiar yellow-toothed grin. “Somebody break your heart?”
“Yeah. Me.” I shook my head. “I’m an idiot.”
He sighed next to me and rearranged his body to face the setting sun again. He closed his eyes. “We’re all idiots when it comes to love.”
“So…” I tugged at my hair. “No words of wisdom for me?”
He laughed. “Now, what could you learn from an old coot like me?” He wheezed again. “I’ll tell you this. The biggest mistake I ever made was walking away from the only woman who loved me in spite of my crazy-ass self.”
For the thousandth time, I saw Dallas turning away that night he’d kissed me under the stars.
“Yeah.” I sighed. “I get that.”
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