Fragments of your Soul (The Mirror Worlds Book 1)

  “It’s a body,” Loke said. “Are you a body?”

  “What?” said Arvid, confused. “What kind of question is that?”

  “A good one.”

  “Of course I’m not a body! I have one.”

  “And there’s your answer,” sighed Loke. “Goodness…”

  As Arvid further thought about it, it all made a certain sense. Of course Nod was more than the body in which he was stuck. He was still himself; he was Nod, a personality, a soul. But his body was more than just a shell, too. Didn’t have the body also have an effect on the soul, the personality and the essence of a person?

  Loke had taken a sitting position again and was scrolling through his book. Apparently the subject was finished for him.

  “You have to help Nod,” Arvid said pleadingly. “Please!”

  “No,” Loke replied without looking up.

  “No?”

  “Why should I?”

  “Well, because… you’re a god,” Arvid said with growing desperation, “and a shapeshifter. You must know how he can get back into human form.”

  “Just because I know doesn’t mean he can.”

  “Can’t you explain it to him somehow…? I mean, give him some help, so that he can find a way himself?”

  For a moment, Loke didn’t respond, then he lowered the book and looked at Arvid skeptically. “Under normal circumstances, I could try to… ‘help’. But before the pain is gone, any attempt would be a waste of time.”

  “I thought the wound was the smallest problem.”

  “That doesn’t mean that it’s no problem at all,” Loke said impatiently, again facing his book. “It’s dangerous, almost impossible to change damaged tissue.”

  Arvid frustrated buried her face in her hands and groaned. Why did Loke have to behave so stubbornly? After all Nod had done for her, she just had to help him. But what could she do?

  “I’ll take care of Nod’s wound,” she decided. “When it’s completely healed, will you help him?”

  At first Loke didn’t answer. After a while Arvid thought he would just ignore her question. But then he suddenly closed his book, put it down next to him and looked at Arvid thoughtfully.

  “All right,” he said. “I’ve just decided that Nod will teach you while you’re here. It would be a waste to just let him die, now that he’s here.”

  Arvid didn’t know whether to be relieved, shocked or just grateful. For a moment she stared at Loke with half-open mouth.

  “Teach me?” she asked finally. “Teach me what?”

  “Fighting,” Loke said. “You’ll need that when we leave. Nod is acceptably good at it.”

  “Would you please stop talking in riddles?” Arvid demanded sharply. “Where are we leaving for?”

  Loke’s mouth twisted into a grin. “We have a deal, right? I’ll help you return to your world, and you’ll do me a favor.”

  Arvid nodded. “And?”

  “Well, for that we have to seek out a specific location in four months. The journey is rather risky for a worm like you. In your current form,” he looked at Arvid dismissively, “you might not survive.”

  The next days Loke was in a better mood and occasionally even joined Arvid for a meal. However, having a normal conversation proved to be difficult. Sometimes Loke was friendly and attentive, then all of a sudden so tactless and hurtful that it took Arvid’s breath away. Often their conversations developed to an argument or ended with Arvid giving up in frustration. Still, she enjoyed her host’s presence. Presumably the simple reason was the fact that Loke was the only being she could actually talk to.

  Arvid had stopped counting how many different forms she had encountered Loke in and how often she got terribly frightened when she didn’t recognize him right away.

  “You look beautiful when you’re shocked,” he said smirking, as he once appeared in the form of a black-skinned, scaly something in the dark in front of Arvid. Arvid had been terrified and close to tears. The next day a long, heated fight broke out in the morning, because Arvid wanted Loke to restrict himself to shapes with human appearance within the caves. With little success.

  “My house, my rules!” Loke had shouted in the end. “If you can’t cope with it, you can go find your own cave.”

  In the end Arvid had no choice but to give up and come to terms with it.

  Nod’s wound slowly began to heal, but it was a lengthy process. Arvid cleaned the bite regularly and put on clean bandages. Nevertheless, it took more than a week before Nod left his sleeping place at the fire again and seemed to be pain-free. He often followed her wherever she went. Arvid always looked for new places to settle in peace and read. Otherwise there was little to do for her.

  Loke had a lot of books—so many that, together with the carelessly piled up copies in the side chambers, there were possibly more than in the library of Vero-Maghen. However, with few exceptions, they were all written with old runes and in Old Jördisch, so that the reading was tedious and tough.

  On the morning of the eleventh or twelfth day after their arrival, Arvid found two men, who almost simultaneously raised their heads as she stepped in the cave with the fire. For a moment she thought that this was one of Loke’s shenanigans again. But then one of them jumped up and hugged her. Arvid realized that it was Nod.

  She felt so relieved and happy that she had to fight back tears. She returned Nod’s hug and held him tightly.

  “You have no idea how glad I am to see you like that,” she said softly when they had parted again. “Are you all right?”

  Nod nodded. “Though I’m still a little… damaged,” he said and showed her his forearm. It was covered all over with reddish, branched streaks. His neck, his hands and the side of his face had some minor ones, too.

  “What is that?” she asked, worried.

  “Torn tissue,” Nod said. “The process was a bit… too violent for me.” He swallowed. “But it will heal. It only hurts on the thighs. It’s much worse there.”

  “In a few days the pain should be gone,” Loke said absently. “Then he can finally make himself useful again, and not just lie around and waste my supplies.” He sat on the stone bench in the corner and embroidered, as he did frequently—in order to think better, as he had once explained to Arvid.

  “Thank you, Loke,” Arvid said tightly. His comment provoked her, but then she really was grateful.

  Nod turned reluctantly to Loke. “Master, may I leave?”

  Loke didn’t even look. “Yes, get out.”

  “Let’s go outside. I need some fresh air,” whispered Nod as he walked past Arvid. She understood. He wanted to talk to her in a place where Loke couldn’t overhear every word.

  Below the bathing cave a narrow passage led out on a windy plateau, a kind of natural terrace fifty meters in diameter. It seemed to grow out of the steep rock face like a fungus and was now, after the snowmelt, covered with muddy brown grass. From here, they had a direct view of the huge waterfall, which in the distance rushed into the depths, where it united with the Hojdr. The noise of the thundering water was loud, but it was a pleasant, soothing kind of noise.

  They had brought furs and sat down on a rock. Nod told Arvid that Loke had come to him in the early morning and had determined that he had to return to a human form. Arvid didn’t understand exactly what Loke had done, because Nod described the experience vaguely and haltingly. But even the little that she heard made clear that it must have been painful and traumatic. She didn’t ask any further, when Nod changed the subject after a short time.

  They talked about their escape from Vero-Maghen and their journey, and all the situations where Nod had wanted to talk to her and help her, but couldn’t.

  “It was grueling,” Nod said. “I felt so weak and inadequate. I am aware that my skills are not very developed. I d
on’t know if I’ll ever be able to transform into an animal without difficulty. Frankly… after all of this, I’m not sure if I will ever dare to try again.”

  “You’ll get better,” Arvid cheered him up. “Your skills will develop.”

  Nod smiled warmly and gratefully. Arvid realized how much she had missed such a smile in the past weeks. Nod looked tired, but otherwise he was as always and also had the appearance she knew from Vero-Maghen.

  “Maybe they will,” said Nod. “And maybe they won’t. Maybe I’m just not talented. But that’s fine. I’ve never been someone with a strong desire to change, unlike my father.”

  “Your father was a shapeshifter, too?” said Arvid, surprised.

  Nod nodded. “His gift was exceptionally strong, but he was also very unstable. When he was unbalanced, he was in a constant state of flux, so that even I often had trouble enduring his presence for long. He changed from one form to another, and his temper with it.”

  “Just like Loke,” muttered Arvid.

  Nod shook his head vigorously. “No, my father was very different. When he was content, he was friendly and extremely helpful. He had a heart for children and enjoyed making them laugh with exceptional shapes. But he otherwise kept a particular human form at all times. He always had himself completely under control. But when he was doing badly…” Nod took a deep breath. “When he was feeling bad, he just let himself go. He appeared in the form in which his emotional outbursts drove him.”

  “That must have been difficult,” Arvid said softly.

  “Yes. But he was my father. I tried to accept him the way he was, in spite of the difficult situations his outbursts sometimes brought us. When my mother was alive…” He paused. “When he was still happy… we were getting along really well.”

  Arvid took his hand and squeezed it. “You certainly understood him better than others. Since I’ve been here, I wish I knew more about shapeshifters.”

  “Because of Loke? I might have been a stone lion, but your… clashes didn’t escape me.”

  “I don’t care about the fights,” stated Arvid, although that was not entirely true. “I’m just wondering… who Loke really is.”

  “What do you mean? You know who he is. Better than many.”

  “That’s not what I mean. I mean… you have a preferred shape. This,” she pointed to Nod’s body, “is the person I know you as. Sometimes you change, but you always return to this form. If you had not been born a shapeshifter, would you look like this now?”

  Nod looked at her thoughtfully, then he shrugged. “I don’t know,” he said. “But I like this body. I feel good… like myself. Who knows… It’s possible that I would have looked something like this.”

  “Sometimes I wonder how Loke would look like if he had not been born a shapeshifter,” Arvid said. “But perhaps there is no ‘normal’ for him.”

  “Maybe not,” Nod said. “Shapeshifters are very different, not only when it comes to the extent of their gift but also in their desire to change their shape. Most have a preferred shape, but not all. Some almost never change, others constantly… like Loke. He gets very irritated when he can’t change for a long time.”

  “It’s confusing.”

  “I know. That’s why many shapeshifters suppress their need to change.”

  “Do you?”

  “Sometimes,” confessed Nod. “It’s hard to find people who accept you for who you are. What you really are.”

  “Gerdur did,” Arvid said, thinking of the many situations in Vero-Maghen, where she had watched Nod and Gerdur together, always amazed at how naturally Gerdur accepted Nod’s otherness.

  “Yes. At least that’s what I kept telling myself.”

  “He really loved you,” Arvid said emphatically. “No matter what shape you had. Believe me, I have often watched you together and saw how he looked at you.”

  “And yet I would never have dared to take a shape which deviates from a certain scheme. Do you think he would have accepted me as a stone lion?”

  “Hmm,” Arvid said thoughtfully. She would have liked to assure Nod that Gerdur certainly would have loved him anyway, but the truth was she didn’t know.

  They sat there in silence, listening to the sound of the waterfall and the cries of the mountain birds that circled far above them in the sky. Diffuse daylight began to brighten the mountains, turning the fog between the fir trees in a milky soup. It was now clearly noticeable that the days were becoming warmer and brighter. Arvid wondered how a summer might be in this world.

  “Loke said you should teach me,” she said after a while. “Will you do it?”

  Nod laughed, but it sounded forced. “Of course I’ll do it. As if I had a choice…”

  “What are you to him, Nod?” said Arvid. “His servant, his slave?”

  “Nonsense,” Nod retorted, but he didn’t answer her question; he just stared down at the rocks.

  “Nod, if you don’t want to do it, you don’t have to,” Arvid said. “You can leave anytime.”

  “I can’t. I have an agreement with Loke. Breaking it could cost me my life.”

  Arvid stared at him in disbelief. “Really?” she asked, but already the look in his eyes told her that he was serious. “You… are afraid of him,” she said. “Why?”

  “You don’t know him like I do, and perhaps it’s for the better,” said Nod. “Enough people have warned you about him; what does it help if I do it again?”

  Arvid wanted to say something, but at that moment Nod leaned over and hugged her. “Don’t worry, Arvid,” he muttered. “I’m just his servant. But he needs you. I don’t know for what, but your favor is important to him.” He let her go again and smiled, but it looked tormented. “Now let’s go inside; I’m freezing.”

  Nod’s words left more of an impression than all the stories that Arvid had read and heard about Loke. Nod had always been the one who had not commented on the many accusations against Loke. He had spoken of him with respect, when others had expressed nothing but contempt or fear. That he suddenly pointed out Loke’s dangerousness distressed Arvid.

  Nevertheless, she still wanted to get an idea of Loke herself. She was well aware that she still knew virtually nothing about him and that it would take many weeks until she would grasp enough of his changeable nature to get an idea of who he really was. Sure, he was usually irritable, gloating, tactless, often indifferent, but… did this make him dangerous? At other times, he was very patient, sometimes happy in a reckless manner, and if something caught his attention, he had a curiosity that could go so deep that it bordered on obsession.

  The following days Arvid often conversed with Nod, but she tried not to bring the subject back to his trade with Loke. They talked about their journey and Nod’s experiences as an animal and again about Nod’s past and his family. It turned out that Loke had known Nod’s father and Nod had repeatedly met him as a child.

  The reconversion had weakened Nod significantly, as evidenced not only by the red streaks on his body. He was constantly tired and felt cold even in the vicinity of the fire. He spent many hours of the day asleep under a thick layer of blankets and furs. Sometimes Arvid sat near him and read. When Nod awoke, she asked him about words in Old Jördisch and phrases in her book that she had not understood. Often, however, he couldn’t help her either.

  “Ask Loke,” he advised, to her surprise, after a few days. “He speaks this language fluently. I’m only good at new languages.”

  Loke didn’t appear until late in the afternoon and wasn’t pleased when Arvid asked him for help. But then he seemed to develop a certain pleasure in making fun of her mispronunciation, and after a while he could hardly stop snickering. Although it took all of Arvid’s willpower to suppress her anger, she in the end had the answers to all her questions. And she had learned another thing: Old Jördisch was Loke�
�s native language. Now she understood why his Jördisch wasn’t entirely flawless.

  The next day, Nod finally started her lessons, though he still didn’t look entirely recovered. In order to have more space, they went to the grassy terrace at the rock face. It was the first time that Loke went with them. He looked mostly male, with delicate features and long brown hair, though. In addition, he was in an almost absurdly good mood. He had brought weapons that he threw at them without warning. While Nod actually managed to catch his, Arvid stepped aside, scared, so they fell down in the grass in front of her.

  Loke laughed loudly and sat down on a nearby stone. “They are made of wood,” he said. “Like I said, I’m no healer. We should avoid stabbing each other.”

  Arvid sullenly picked up the weapons and saw that they were only imitations of long blades. She wasn’t sure if they should be referred to as daggers or small swords.

  “So you’re joining us, Loke?” she said defiantly as she tentatively took one of the daggers and weighed it appraisingly.

  “Maybe in a few months. You’ll get the basics from Nod. At least there’s not the slightest danger that he could hurt you in any way.”

  “What are you trying to say?” Arvid asked warily, but Nod interrupted her by loudly clearing his throat.

  “Maybe we should just start,” he suggested gently.

  For a moment Arvid looked at Loke sharply, but he just smirked and returned the look from dark eyes. Finally, she nodded and turned to Nod.

  “Actually,” Nod began, “Most of my experience in fighting is with long swords and shields. However,” he continued with a brief glance at Loke, “my master thinks you should learn to handle small weapons.”

  “You’re too weak to block hard attacks,” explained Loke, “so you have to work with what you have.”

  “And what do I have?” asked Arvid.

  “You’re rather small and agile,” Nod answered.