by Chapple, GL
What the hell did she do to me? I found it hard to function around her. I’d never had any nerves with women. I was confident - arrogant even - but she reduced my behaviour to that of an adolescent teenage boy.
I carried her case upstairs and put it down beside the bed, her bed. As I walked past the bathroom door, I could hear her crying and immediately froze. She was sobbing. I could hear her cries over the sound of the shower. I couldn’t move. There was no way I could walk away and leave her there.
I tapped lightly at the door: there was no response. Shit! I knocked harder. “Maddie…” I called her name and waited, but she continued to cry, ignoring me.
I cursed and swore under my breath, wishing that Kelly was here but at the same time grateful that she wasn’t. I knocked the door again, louder, and then pushed the handle down, gently opening the door a little. “Mads…” I called again, my heart rate increasing at the sounds of her heart breaking apart. If he’d hurt her, I was going to kill him.
I closed my eyes and walked further into the room. “Maddie…” I called again, and she finally responded. She sounded broken and it gutted me.
“Marcus?”
“I’m here. Are you ok?”
She sniffed, and I realised what a stupid question that was. I reached around me blindly for the towel. I knocked something and snapped my eyes open as I heard the sound of breaking glass.
“Marcus!”
“It’s okay, I just knocked something over.”
I turned back to her, ignoring the mess I’d need to clean up and completely forgetting that she was naked. She was hunched over, hugging her knees to her chest so that I couldn’t see anything, but, regardless, my eyes almost jumped right out of my head. I turned sharply to the side before slowly turning back to face her as I realised she was still crying.
“Hey! Please don’t cry. Mads. What’s happened?” I dropped to my knees and crawled across to her, sitting with my back to the bath.
She was crying too much to try and explain, and I slowly turned around, forcing myself to maintain eye contact and not let my gaze drop. I held up the towel in front of me.
“Here, wrap yourself up. Let’s get you out.”
She stood slowly, and I moved with her, holding the towel in front of her. She wrapped it around herself, and I quickly got out of the bathroom, at least giving her the privacy to climb out and make sure she was adequately covered.
She walked out and into the bedroom. I watched her sit on the bed and stare blankly at the case next to her. This wasn’t Maddie - she was really starting to worry me. I pulled my own t-shirt off and walked into the room.
“Maddie…” I knelt in front of her, and she stared back at me. I hated what I saw in her eyes - sadness, confusion and, worst of all, fear. “Mads, look at me!”
Her eyes finally focused, but they looked empty. I lifted the t-shirt and slipped it on over her head, pulling it down as she carefully slid her arms through the sleeves. She was barely responding, and I could feel my panic increasing. I did the only thing I could think of: after hesitating for a moment, reluctant to leave her, I jumped up from the bed and darted into Kelly’s room. I came back a minute later to find her still sitting in the same position. I climbed up on the bed and sat behind her. She didn’t acknowledge me but sat numbly as I began to brush her hair.
Whenever Kelly had been upset as a child, or if I’d wanted to keep her away from our parents and their fights, I used to sit and brush her hair. She’d always relax - the action proved soothing for both of us, and it had been the only thing I could think to do.
I sat behind Maddie and brushed her hair, feeling my own tension slowly ease away as I watched her shoulders drop down and her breathing begin to slow. I didn’t bother trying to speak to her: tonight wasn’t the time for that. I don’t know how long we sat there. My arm began to ache, and her hair had long since dried, but I was reluctant to stop.
Eventually I set the brush down beside the bed and lay down, pulling her with me. She complied readily, fitting against me as if she were made to, her back pressed as close as possible to my front, tucked in close under my chin. I wrapped my arm around her and refused to think about anything other than the need to make her feel safe.
I didn’t want to think about how nice it was to have her in my arms.
I didn’t want to think about her wearing my top again, or the fact that she was half naked against me.
I didn’t want to think about how natural it felt to snuggle up with her.
I didn’t want to think about the guilt I felt about Lindsay, or how bad I felt that I wanted this…
Except I did think all these things as I lay there in the dark, holding onto her, feeling the steady rise and fall of her breathing against my chest. I could smell the faint scent of coconut from her shampoo, and I had to stop myself from breathing her in. I closed my eyes, finally relaxing as I felt her succumbing to sleep beside me.
I barely had a chance to speak to Maddie over the next few days. When I woke the morning after her arrival, I heard her speaking with Kelly in the living room. I sat on the bottom step of the stairs, clenching my fists and working hard to rein in my temper as I listened to her agonising over whether she’d done the right thing in leaving.
Of course she’d done the right thing!
She needed to realise that and I didn’t know how to make her see it.
Lena turned up a little while later, and since then, my house was filled with women. I knew that Lena and Kelly were working hard to convince her that she’d made the right choice, so I needed to rely on them for now.
I came back from the gym and was surprised to find that everyone was out. I was so used to creeping in and out so that Maddie had privacy to talk to Lena or Kelly that it felt strange to walk into an empty, silent house. I went straight upstairs to wash, taking my clothes off and throwing them down the stairs as I reached the top then washed quickly, dried myself and wrapped a towel around my waist.
I opened the bathroom door and walked out into the hallway, securing the towel as I walked, but I’d taken only two steps towards my bedroom when I crashed straight into someone walking towards me.
I realised in a split second it was Maddie as the scent of coconut wrapped itself around me. I heard her shriek as she jumped backwards, almost pulling my towel off in the process. Her eyes popped open as she stared at me standing before her. I watched her eyes sweep over my body, lingering for a second at the loosened knot on my waist before she snapped them back up to meet my gaze.
Her cheeks were pink, heating up further as she watched me reach down to secure the knot again at my waist. “It’s…I’m..It’s okay. Sorry…I…I just…”
She was flustered, struggling to get her words out or make any kind of sense. She wet her lips and tried again.
I heard her speak, but I wasn’t listening, I was too focused on the bob of her throat and the flush of her skin. She was turned on. I might be off my game when I was around her, but I knew the signs of a women being turned on, and I couldn’t deny how good it made me feel.
She laughed nervously before retreating quickly to her bedroom, and I chuckled to myself, glad to finally feel that I had the upper hand when it came to her. I walked into my bedroom to get changed, then went downstairs wearing a tracksuit and tee shirt, and the biggest shit-eating grin.
Shit! I pushed the door shut behind me and sat on my bed. My whole body felt on fire, so I could only imagine how red my face must have been. I was mortified, but, remembering how I’d almost pulled Marcus’ towel loose, made me burst into laughter. I don’t know if it was nerves or embarrassment but I couldn’t stop laughing, my stomach hurt and tears rolled down my cheeks, but it felt so good.
I lay back on the bed and caught my breath.
Laughing was the release I needed.
I’d spent the last few days swaying wildly between being terrified and doubting my decision to walk away from Christian and being livid with him and angry with myself for letting him con
trol so many of my emotions and thoughts.
A large part of me questioned my decision to come back here. I felt something for Marcus – I couldn’t deny that - and I’m not sure that being here was the best thing for me at the moment, and, in truth, I think that’s where a lot of my anger was coming from. I was angry with myself for once again feeling more than I knew I should.
Marcus wasn’t a safe bet!
But before I’d even had time to consider what I was doing, I’d found myself standing in the rain outside his door, drawn to him like a moth to a flame. I knew he’d look after me and that I’d be welcomed. I knew that I’d feel relaxed and safe here. I couldn’t allow myself to think of anything more than that.
I blew out a long breath and stretched my muscles. I’d had a terrible night’s sleep again and had given up and gone for a walk just after I’d heard Marcus leave. I’d assumed he’d been going to work - but clearly not!
I could hear Marcus moving about downstairs. I’d not spoken to him since the night I’d arrived, when he’d held me. I needed to thank him, but, more than that, I found I wanted to speak to him.
I walked down the stairs and into the kitchen, smiling to myself as I watched him making pancakes. I leaned against the doorframe quietly and stared at his back muscles moving beneath his thin t-shirt as he whisked the mixture.
Without turning around, he teased, “Nothing to see here…you almost had your show earlier,”
I walked forward, realising that, despite my attempt to be quiet, he’d heard me, and I’d been busted ogling him.
“Haha! Very funny. You’re making pancakes for breakfast? What are we, American?” I joked as I walked to join him at the breakfast bar.
He turned and pushed me to sit. His hands rested on my shoulders as he looked into my eyes. “Apparently, any day that involves pancakes is a good day, so I figured that one that starts with them must make for the best kind of day.”
“You remembered that?” I’d told him that the night that we’d stayed up talking. I couldn’t believe that he’d remembered it, let alone acted upon it.
He shrugged and went back to whisking the mixture as I watched him, dumbfounded.
“Can I help?”
“Nope,” he answered happily as he poured some mixture into the pan. I watched him as he waited for it to cook before tossing it into the air and catching it again in the frying pan. “What are your plans today?” he asked, catching me off guard.
“Huh?”
“Your plans today. Do you have any?”
“Um, no. Why?”
“Good. You can keep me occupied! I have a plan.”
I ached all over. My stomach muscles hurt from laughing, and my arms and legs felt like jelly from all the walking, running and climbing that we’d done. I was exhausted, but I’d smiled and laughed pretty much the whole day. I glanced across at Marcus as he drove home and he gave me a cheeky grin.
“Are you thinking what I’m thinking?”
I laughed and shook my head, “I have no idea what you could possibly be thinking now!”
He’d surprised me today. After breakfast he’d ushered me upstairs, told me to pack a change of clothes and to meet him downstairs in ten minutes. We’d spent the day playing crazy golf, rock climbing and playing around on the beach like children – especially when I’d stupidly believed he wouldn’t throw me in the sea - hence the need for the change of clothes! I couldn’t remember ever having such an action-packed, fun-filled day.
“I was thinking ice cream.” He answered, breaking into my thoughts again.
I turned to him with a grin “I could go for ice cream.”
He pulled up outside an ice cream parlour and ran in to order them as I stood leaning against the car. My phone beeped, but I ignored it, not wanting to see anything that would burst the bubble I was in at the moment.
Marcus walked out, handed me my ice cream and joined me, half sitting, half leaning against the bonnet of the car. We ate in silence, watching the people mill around us as the sun slowly set over the sea.
I turned to thank him for such an incredible day and found him watching me.
I’d got to know him pretty well, but his expression was unreadable –or, at least, I didn’t trust myself with what I thought I could see reflected in his eyes.
He reached over and pushed a stray strand of hair from my face. “Hopefully this was your escape from reality - and you don’t need a pretty dress to be beautiful.”
My heart exploded in my chest just as my phone began to ring, and the moment was lost. In truth, I didn’t know if I felt frustrated or relieved.
I turned away, not wanting him to be able to read the emotions on my face. I fumbled with the phone in my bag and pulled it out to answer. It was the tenants from my house, and I moved away a little so I could quickly answer their questions in privacy.
By the time I’d finished the phone call the sun had set, and the atmosphere had changed.
Marcus jumped up from the bonnet of the car. “You ready?”
I nodded and got into the passenger seat. He turned the music on low, and I rested my head against the headrest as we drove home. Before I knew it, he was turning the engine off and we were parked outside the house.
“Leave the bags. I’ll sort it all tomorrow. Come and have a beer! Let’s finish the day off right.”
He didn’t need to ask me twice.
I followed him into the house, kicking off my shoes and walking towards the kitchen - then I froze. I turned back to look at my shoes: one was on its side next to the radiator and the other was slightly in front. They weren’t neatly placed next to the door. Instinctively, I went to move forward to put them together - as they should have been - when I heard Marcus quietly clear his throat. I turned back to see him leaning casually against the doorframe.
“Well, you want a beer?”
I felt torn as I glanced behind me at the shoes for a final time. I forced myself forward towards Marcus, leaving the shoes where they were.
My need to place the shoes correctly felt overwhelming which was ridiculous! I knew Marcus didn’t care about the shoes, but it felt like a huge deal to leave them on the floor like that. By the time I reached Marcus, my hands were shaking slightly as he handed me my bottle. As I took it from him, his fingers grazed my hand. I glanced up at him to find him wearing the biggest grin of the day. He actually looked pleased, which confused me.
Before I could question him, he clinked our bottles together and said “Cheers!”, before sprawling across the sofa.
I pushed his legs out of my way so that I could join him. He laughed and lifted them so that I could sit down, then rested them back on my lap with a cocky smirk.
“Thank you for today. I needed it more than I realised. I had a really good day.”
I put my bottle down and faced him. “Marcus, it’s me who should be thanking you. I had the best day - the best day I’ve had in a really long time.”
“It was nice to be Marcus and Maddie, yeah?” He smiled, and my heart somersaulted from my chest to my stomach.
“Mm-hmm,” I murmured.
“Mads, we’ve both been a little lost. Today was a good day. Let’s just take it a day at a time. Whatever he made you think, you know deep down that it’s bullshit. You just need to remember who you are. You need to live again.”
I pursed my lips as I looked at him, fixing him with a look which he read easily - pot calling kettle…
He moved his legs from my lap, “Yeah, I know. We both do. Today was living, and I really enjoyed it. I need to deal with my past and learn to let go…at least it’s just myself holding me back…I’ve got something I need to do and then it’ll be down to me, you though…” he paused and I looked down to my lap feeling self-conscious, “…you need to deal with the voice that he’s put in your head, the lies that he’s tried to have you believe, the role that he tried to make you play - it’s all bullshit, but I know how hard it is trying to deal with that, Mads.”
“Christ
ian said I was a nobody. He told me that I was nothing, and that if I left him I’d have nothing, and he was kind of right,” I said in a rush, before biting my lip, wishing I could take the words back.
I saw Marcus’ face darken before he pressed his lips together firmly and turned away for a second. He pulled himself upright in the seat beside me and turned to face me.
“Christian is a fucking twat. You know that, right? He’s telling you shit like that to make you feel bad, because he’s so pathetic that upsetting people is the only way he can boost his own ego.”
I pulled a face and Marcus sat up straighter.
“I need you to listen to me…” he reached out and caught my hand between his, “…Mads, listen. Every time he screamed or yelled at you, someone else was wishing they could whisper to you how amazing you are. Every time he made you feel bad about yourself, someone was thinking how beautiful and incredible you are. Every time he took you for granted, you had someone wishing they could spend time with you. You are amazing, and rather than appreciating your strengths, he was intimidated by them. It takes a strong man to be with a woman who’s used to being strong for herself, and he is a weak, pathetic person. He wanted you to believe that you didn’t deserve anything more than he could offer because he knew you deserved so much more. And everything spiteful he ever said…it’s down to his failings as a man and as a person. It has nothing to do with you. Please don’t ever doubt yourself or think you need to change - you don’t. You’re perfect.”’
He’d moved in closer to me as he was speaking, and his face was now mere inches away from mine. I saw his eyes on my lips and swallowed involuntarily.
“I’m far from perfect,” I whispered. “I don’t even feel like me anymore. I feel like I’m broken.”
He shook his head gently, not taking his eyes from my lips. “Not broken, a little cracked.” He finally met my gaze, and I saw a small smile on his lips. “You’re strong, brave and incredible.”