by Chapple, GL
“Yeah, why?”
“Kelly was freaking out yesterday. Your mother…”
“Ahhh!” I interrupted, realising now that, of course, my mother would have contacted Kelly.
No phone calls, messages, cards or letters - nothing at all during the few years that she’d lived with me - but suddenly my mother was reaching back out to her. “What did she want?”
“She was crying to Kelly about how you’d gone there and attacked her” -
“Attacked her?”
-“verbally – about how you’d had a go at her and upset her. Kelly told her to get fucked and put the phone down.”
I laughed at that. I couldn’t help it! The relief I felt, despite knowing deep down that Kelly wouldn’t fall for her lies and leave me, was immense.
“Kelly was freaking out then, though, because she couldn’t get hold of you and needed to go to work. She had me check that you got in last night as soon as I got home.”
“You checked on me?”
“I peered in around your door - that’s all. I saw you sleeping in bed and let her know.”
She was starting to fidget again and went back to chewing her lip as I watched her with a smirk. My eyes zeroed in on her lips. I liked being the reason she was biting down on them, but I wanted to make her do that for a whole different reason. I realised I’d been caught staring and raised my eyes to meet hers, though I was unapologetic.
Her cheeks were hot and a pale, pink flush covered her neck. I wanted to touch her. She might not feel ready to move on – hell! I might not – but our bodies were clearly way ahead of us. I wanted to run my tongue over those lips and bite down on their plumpness, just as she did. I wanted to trace the pink pattern on her neck with my tongue and hear her moan and whimper under me.
“Kelly had me call Nate…he’ll be over soon…I’ve gotta go.” She moved past me quickly, leaving me with the smell of coconuts and a raging hard-on.
I stripped off as I walked through the door, threw my dirty clothes through to the kitchen and went upstairs to take a quick shower.
This time I didn’t even bother trying to conjure up anyone else as I jerked off – instead, unashamedly running through a reel of images of her in my mind. I waited for the guilt over Lindsay to hit me, surprised to find that it wasn’t as consuming as usual. It still hurt; I still felt guilty; but it didn’t take my breath away; it wasn’t as crippling as it had been in the past. I remembered Lindsay’s father’s words and rubbed absentmindedly at my chest as I dressed then went downstairs.
I walked through to the kitchen, picked up my clothes and put them in the washing machine. I turned and stopped, a smile splitting my face as I noticed the one dirty dish left on the draining board. It was a single, solitary dish, but what it represented felt monumental. I had seen how difficult it had been for Maddie to walk away and leave her shoes in the hall. I’d seen the upset and anguish on her face as she went against the way that she’d been conditioned to think. This felt like a giant leap in the right direction, and I was so damn proud of her.
There was a knock at the door, and I rushed to answer it, wondering for a split second if it could be her coming back for something. I swung the door open and was disappointed to see Nate standing there. He caught my look straight away.
“Who were you expecting?”
“No-one. Come in.”
He followed me into the kitchen and I made us both a cup of coffee.
“So…” He dragged the word out as he studied me.
“I’m good, bro. You don’t need to worry. I’ll drop Kelly a text; I didn’t know that she’d been worried. I didn’t know that she knew.”
“Your mother called,”
“Yeah, I heard.”
“So, what happened?”
“She’s unrepentant. She doesn’t care about anyone or anything. She has no guilt or shame about leaving me behind – it suited her. She was only concerned about the life insurance payment and the fact that she couldn’t get any of it. Apparently they’d divorced – I didn’t know that. She didn’t care though. She lacks any kind of emotion, morals - anything. There’s no good in her.”
“I’m so sorry, Marcus.”
“Don’t be.” I shook my head. “I lost my mother a long time ago - I grieved for her a long time ago - I can’t miss something I never had.”
He didn’t look convinced. “Did you go out last night?”
“No. I went straight to Lindsay. I stayed there for a while, went for a drive, then I came home and went to bed.”
“Alone?” He sounded surprised.
“What?”
“Did you go to bed alone because you were upset after visiting Lindsay, or is this about Maddie?”
I scoffed at him. “What do you mean?”
“You had a shitty day yesterday and usually, when things get too much, you go out, drink to excess and get laid. I’m just curious why that wasn’t your response.”
“No, I don’t,” I argued with him even though I knew that what he was saying was perfectly justified.
He let it go and changed tack slightly. “Did you feel better after visiting Lindsay?”
“I spoke to her father.”
He raised his eyebrows but didn’t say anything, waiting for me to continue. “He told me that she’d known she was loved and that she’d been happy; that that was all anyone could ever want. He told me to move on.”
“How’d you feel about that?”
“You sound like a shrink - you know that, right?”
He chuckled. “It’s too early for beers, so you have to have the benefit of my wisdom. It seems talking shit to my Gramps rubs off on me.”
“I’m fed up. Seeing my mother brought home to me how much of my life I’ve wasted, thinking and worrying about stupid things. I thought I’d missed out, but I hadn’t. My father, in his own fucked-up way, was trying to save me, but she’s the exception – by far, from most normal women. He told me every day that I couldn’t trust women and that I’d be used and left, that no-one would ever want me.”-
I saw the pain flash across Nate’s face. I’d never spoken to him about my childhood, he’d never known how bad things had got.
-“but he based his words on her - and I’d never be with someone like that. I spent time with your family where it was clear your parents loved each other and they loved you. Kelly has always been there for me; she didn’t choose to leave with our mother, and the minute I found her she came back. You know - when my mother phoned her, spewing her hateful shit and playing the victim card, for a split second I worried. I actually wondered if she would go back, but she told her to get fucked, and she asked Maddie to check on me - she worried about me; she cares…” I trailed off and stared at my hands.
“You’ve got a lot of people who care, Marcus.”
“Yeah, I know. It just hasn’t always felt like it, or maybe I never really appreciated what I had because I was too focused on what I thought I’d lost.”
“Bro, don’t be so hard on yourself.”
“I’m not, I just…I’m fed up of feeling like this. Lindsay made me happy - she made me so fucking happy…”- I clenched my hands together, paying particular attention to them changing colour as I applied extra pressure. -“I just want to be happy again. I want to feel like that again, instead of feeling numb and empty. My heart beats and my lungs breathe - I’m alive, but I’m not living. I don’t want it to be this way anymore.”
“Then find something that makes you feel alive – something worth fighting for - or someone,” he added as he watched me, trying to gauge my reaction.
“Find someone who makes your heart race and steals your breath and admit it to yourself when she’s right there in front of you.”
I tried to think how to put into words how I felt; just saying I liked her didn’t feel enough, but, at the same time - I was fucking terrified – not that I’d admit that.
“She likes you too, y’know.” I turned to look at him, curiosity winning out.
/> “Yeah?”
“Yeah. I know I gave you shit, but really…you both deserve to be happy. I think you’d be good for each other.”
“I don’t think…”
Nate grinned at me, “Now there’s your first mistake!”
“Huh?”
“I might not be as wise as my Gramps, but even I can tell you – In matters of the heart it makes no difference what your head is thinking.”
“I thought you warned me off her,” I grumbled, equally relieved and unhappy about him knowing how much I liked her.
“That was when I thought she’d be distraction fuck.”
I cringed, hating to hear her described like that. I understood Nate’s annoyance now when I screwed with him by mentioning Lena. I heard his low laughter and got up to walk into the kitchen. His laughter followed me the whole way.
I woke up to find a blanket over me and daylight streaming in through the windows. I sat upright groggily and rubbed at my eyes. I’d arrived home in the early hours of the morning and must have fallen asleep on the sofa.
The house was quiet. I got up and checked the time, realising I’d missed lunch, never mind breakfast. Feeling lazy, I found something from the freezer and put it in the oven, before I went upstairs to shower and change.
I stripped off and placed my clothes on the bed, then lathered and washed myself in the shower, suddenly feeling all too aware of how long it had been since I’d had some relief. I dried my hair quickly and tried to occupy my mind with clean, mundane thoughts. I was irritable and I knew exactly why. I pulled my suitcase out from under my bed and rooted through it, smiling widely as I retrieved my vibrator from under a pile of clothing.
I was sexually frustrated: it had been a few weeks since I’d last had sex, and, in all honesty, that hadn’t done much for me. I lay back on the bed, glancing nervously at the door. Taking a deep breath to try and relax, I switched the vibrator on and moaned softly the moment I held it against myself. I closed my eyes and ran my other hand over myself, tweaking and pulling on my nipple as I began to move the vibrator. After a few minutes, I turned the intensity up, adjusting my position so that I could slide up and down myself, simulating sex rather than using my hand.
It felt good - better than good – but I couldn’t get there.
My muscles were tensing, I could feel the build up, but I couldn’t climax. I huffed out a frustrated breath and tried again, willing myself to relax and let go.
I needed this!
I closed my eyes and tried again, rubbing the device over my clit and feeling the vibrations pulsing through me. I was desperate for this. I focused on my breathing and the sensations, feeling myself climbing and climbing – before – nothing! Fuck!
My lower back was aching from the muscles cramping so hard. Annoyed, I grabbed the offending item and throw it hard against the bedroom door, cursing loudly.
A knock at the door made my heart jump up into my mouth. I dived under the covers, pulling them up to my chin and glancing about frantically for the vibrator which had bounced off somewhere.
“Hello?” I called out, my voice high-pitched and squeaky.
The door opened slightly, and Marcus poked his head in - That’s it - humiliation complete! How much had he heard? Kill me now, please God, strike me down with a bolt of lightning!
“Hey, everything alright?”
“Mm-hmm. Yeah. You?”
He looked puzzled, “I heard a bang; just wanted to check you were alright.”
I pressed my lips together and nodded. I could hear the faint buzzing sound, and I was on the verge of a complete meltdown. I was fighting to keep my composure as I felt the laughter bubbling up inside me, hysteria tinged with panic.
Marcus furrowed his brow, and I bit down on my lip, praying to God that he couldn’t hear the buzzing which seemed to be getting louder by the second. With one last confused look, he smiled and closed the door, and I burst into uncontrollable laughter. I had no idea where the vibrator was, no clue how much he’d heard, and I was so frustrated I’d contemplated dragging him into bed with me, but I couldn’t stop the giggles that had overtaken my body.
I calmed down and crawled around on the floor until I found what I was looking for, washed it quickly and stuffed it back into my suitcase, put on a long maxi dress and went downstairs. I could hear Marcus laughing as I walked down the stairs and prepared myself for a world of embarrassment. Sniffing the air, I suddenly remembered about the food.
“Shit! I’m sorry!” I yelled as I raced down the last few steps and into the kitchen.
Marcus stood in front of me and shook his head sadly. I was starting to panic. “You don’t want to see this, Mads. The chicken didn’t make it. I’m sorry.”
I slapped his arm playfully as I pushed past. “Oh, shit.”
“Yep.” He appeared next to me. The chicken was black and appeared to be stuck solid to the baking tray.
“Marcus, I’m so sorry! I got distracted. I went up and had a shower. I forgot all about the food.”
“Distracted!” He smirked before adding, “That baking tray was sentimental, you know.”
“Oh my God, Marcus!”
He threw his arm around me. “Maddie! It’s a baking tray! I’m teasing you. We’ll throw it in the bin and get another one. Chill out! It’s no big deal. You really need to relax.”-
Oh, my God. I couldn’t tell if I was reading too much into this or if he was teasing me…What the hell did he hear upstairs?
-“Come on - let’s go get some food.”
“Food?” I repeated dumbly.
“Yeah, food. You burnt yours. You’re obviously hungry, and I’m starving. We’ll go to the pub. You’re ready, right?”
I ran my hands down my dress self-consciously, “I’ve just got out of the shower. I’ve not done my hair properly or put any make-up on. I wasn’t planning on going anywhere.”
“Your hair looks gorgeous - I love it wavy like that. You don’t need make-up - if you want to put some on I’ll wait for you, but you don’t need it, and don’t be ages. Kelly tells me five minutes, and she takes ages.”
“I’ll be five minutes.”
He groaned, and I laughed as I ran up the stairs. I quickly tried to do something with my hair - anything to try and tame it - but I’d dried it quickly and now it was a wild, wavy tangle around me. Giving up, I opened my make-up bag and applied a quick dusting of powder to try and give my pale face a little colour. I added mascara and a sweep of lip gloss then went back downstairs.
We laughed and joked all through dinner. I always felt so at ease in his company, and I was glad that I’d agreed to go out. He paid the bill, refusing to entertain the idea of splitting it and looking at me in amusement when I argued with him.
As we walked back to the car, he threw his arm around my shoulders and my body temperature rose by at least fifty degrees.
“Are you warm enough?” he asked as he pulled me into his side.
Fuck, yes, can’t you feel me burning up from your touch??
”Yeah, I’m fine.”
It wasn’t romantic - his arm was draped casually over my shoulders - but the throbbing that hadn’t been fulfilled earlier was back with a vengeance. I tried to control my breathing, conscious of the fact that it was too fast. I heard him chuckle, and felt his chest rumble as he was so close to me. He turned to face me, and his hot breath grazed over my cheek.
“You sure you’re alright?”
As I started to reply I felt the air rush out of my lungs. I stopped suddenly, and Marcus’ arm fell from around my shoulders as he stepped in front of me. He turned and his brows pulled down in confusion. I couldn’t look at him. I couldn’t see anything other than the sneer on the face of the man who was approaching us.
Marcus followed my gaze, and I noticed him stiffen. He moved back to stand beside me, his arm placed back over my shoulders protectively as he pulled me in close to his side.
“Madilyn and Marcus! How lovely to see you both - and together - w
hat a surprise!”
I tried to swallow but even breathing felt impossible at that moment. I wanted the ground to open and devour me. Marcus squeezed my shoulder for reassurance and leaned forward, just enough to invade Christian’s personal space.
“I wish I could say it was a pleasure, but I don’t lie.”
Christian scowled. I could see he had more to say but he didn’t dare whilst I stood with Marcus. Christian flicked his eyes back to him uncertainly, and Marcus smiled smugly back. His stance looked relaxed, his arm was still draped over my shoulders, and he was smiling, but from where I stood, I could see the tight set of his jaw and the warning in his eyes as he looked at Christian.
Marcus held his hand out, and I saw confusion on Christian’s face, but politeness won out, and he reluctantly took the offered hand. Marcus jerked him in towards him and spoke sharply into his ear. I couldn’t hear what was said. I saw Christian wince as Marcus released his hand and slapped his back as he walked past us.
“What did you say?” I whispered as soon as Christian had disappeared from view.
“Just that, if he spoke to you again, I’d take pleasure in breaking each and every one of his fingers, one by one,” He flashed me a wicked grin, and I didn’t know whether to believe him or not. I was inclined to think that he actually might have said that.
My stomach was churning and my head was spinning. We walked back to the car but I couldn’t concentrate on anything. I’d felt sick the moment that I’d seen Christian even though I knew that Marcus was with me and that he wouldn’t allow anything to happen, my anxiety level had gone through the roof.
As I sat in the car and Marcus drove us home, I could feel him looking over at me, but I stared at the road ahead. I felt his hand on my thigh and jumped, whirling my head in his direction. He didn’t take his eyes off the road.
“I’ve got you, Maddie. You’re alright. He’s a jerk. We’ve had a good night. Stop thinking about him.”
I nodded and turned my head to look out of the window, but he didn’t remove his hand. Instead, he rubbed the pad of his thumb back and forth. I’m sure he meant it to be comforting, but every nerve ending in my body felt electrified. His touch was causing every synapse to fire into life. I could feel the heat of his hand through my dress, and I ached for him to move his hand higher.