I won’t be disappointed by hoping for good things.
Thinking I deserve no better is what’s keeping me stuck.
If I feel undeserving, maybe it is going to motivate me to be more productive.
Actually, I hate being unproductive, but I think it’s my depression that makes me less productive. And if I don’t think I deserve better, I’ll never be more productive.
Harry concludes that in his analysis, the Help column, which gives supposedly ‘good reasons’ for why it’s worthwhile staying stuck looks almost convincing. Realising this shocks him into deciding he must actively, seriously fight against his undeserving belief each time it tells him to stop doing anything good for himself.
If you use the Help and Hindrance Analysis technique on one or more of your change-blocking beliefs and it doesn’t seem to help, don’t get too discouraged. We provide many more ways to overcome these and other problematic beliefs in Chapter 7.
Exposing myths: therapy and self-help
Myths and mistaken views about therapy and self-help resources are another major reason why many people avoid seeking help for depression. We repeatedly hear people discuss therapy and self-help in less than complimentary terms. Of course, rarely do these people go in for therapy or self-help. They avoid such support resources like the plague because they see the process as misguided and useless. If they do begin therapy or self-help, they often avoid taking part fully, and quickly give up because of their misunderstanding about therapy and self-help.
These people buy into the many myths and misconceptions about therapy and self-help. We now discuss the most common myths, and explain why we believe that they’re inaccurate:
Therapy and self-help are long, complicated processes. Therapy and self-help do involve some work. However, many studies show that most cases of major depression can be treated successfully with about 20 sessions of the types of therapy we discuss in this book. Other studies have shown that self-help alone can be sufficient toovercome mild to moderate cases of depression, and can be a valuable addition to other types of therapy.
If you’re battling chronic, long-term depression, you may indeed find that you need a longer course of therapy. However, it’s likely that you ‘ll experience a lift in mood within a few months of starting your therapy, and the odds are good that you’ll feel that the long-term benefits from continued work are more than worth the effort.
Therapy’s a get-out – it just comes up with excuses. People who believe this myth often also believe that they deserve to suffer from depression. If this is one of your beliefs, please read ‘Uncovering an undeserving outlook’, earlier in this chapter.
Other people who see therapy as giving you excuses and ‘get out’ clauses for your problems believe that certain therapies (especially cognitive behavioural therapy; see Part II) simply demand that you see everything as positive. But the reality is that these therapies don’t ask you to simply see everything as positive. If it’s raining, you’re not expected to stand at the window saying heartily, ‘Oh, what a wonderful day!’ Instead, therapy requires you to collect and examine evidence (much like scientists). When you discover evidence that supports a negative aspect about yourself or your world, you work to change what you can and accept what you can’t so – ‘It’s not fair! Why does it always rain on me?!’ can become ‘Now what indoors attraction shall I visit instead of going to the zoo as I’d planned?’
Therapy and self-help merely trivialise depression. Throughout this book, we emphasise that depression is a serious problem – sometimes extremely serious in that suicide poses a significant risk. All good therapists appreciate the seriousness of depression.
On the other hand, we do realise that both self-help and therapy give you techniques that appear fairly straightforward and not particularly complex. These strategies may even feel trivial. After all, you may have battled profound depression for years, and the idea that some simple techniques may help you overcome your depression can feel almost demeaning. Do remember the techniques only seem simple because therapists have worked hard to break down complicated ideas, information, and research findings into easily understood, digestible units.
Sometimes you may feel that a therapist or self-help author is asking you to change too quickly or easily, which can make you feel small, as though your depression is so simply and easily changed. If you’re receiving therapy, discuss these feelings with your therapist. If you’re attempting to treat yourself with self-help and you feel as though you’re being asked to change too quickly, you may benefit from carrying out therapy with a professional as well as using self-help.
Therapy and self-help ignore the importance of emotions and feelings. The mental health field appreciates the pain of depression. That’s why this field has devoted decades of professional exploration and research to finding ways of easing your depression.
Emotions and feelings are hugely important to therapists. Nevertheless, sometimes therapists ask you to focus more on your thoughts rather than the emotions which those thoughts trigger. So it may feel like your emotions aren’t fully appreciated. If you’re having therapy, discuss this feeling with your therapist. If you get this reaction while reading a self-help book such as this one, you may want to get help from a therapist who can listen to and appreciate your feelings more completely than an author can from afar.
Therapy and self-help can’t give me what I need. Well, this statement does have some truth to it. No therapist, or book, can possibly give you everything you need.
Try to approach therapy and self-help books with the realisation that your needs can only be partially met. Your best option is to work with a range of different sources including books, therapists, friends and relatives.. And, realistically, can anyone truthfully say they feel 100 per cent fulfilled all of the time? We don’t think so!
Therapy doesn’t work. Hundreds of studies show the effectiveness of the therapies described in this book. While discussing each of these therapies, we also refer to the research behind them. However, not every type of psychotherapy has convincingly demonstrated such effectiveness. If you undertake therapy, we recommend that it’s one of the ones we discuss in this book, or alternatively, that you do your homework thoroughly before committing yourself to the therapy.
I can’t change unless I feel totally understood, and no author or therapist can ever understand the complexity and depth of my problems. It’s absolutely true that no author or therapist can ever completely understand every aspect of your depression. Your depression is made up of unique experiences – no one can ever know exactly how you feel.
Therapists and authors do know a great deal about depression. They listen carefully and are able to fully appreciate the devastating impact of depression. And research shows that therapy works well, despite the therapist not sharing your exact experiences.
People who go to therapy are weak. Although this thought effectively prevents many people from seeking help, we fully believe that it’s totally baseless. The reality is that seeking help takes a lot of courage because you have to let down your guard and face your vulnerabilities. Who’s more courageous – someone who feels compelled to present a false front and avoid exploring any personal vulnerability, or someone who admits to problems and decides to face them head-on? We certainly plump for the latter. It’s also worth asking yourself whether waiting until all your teeth have fallen out before you go to the dentist is a wise move. Seeking help sooner rather than later is both a good and brave move.
People just go to therapy to whine and complain. The majority of people who seek help do have some dissatisfaction with their lives, but the reason they go into therapy is to try to do something about their problems. Therapy has about as much to do with whining and complaining as rapidly flapping your arms has to do with flying.
Breaking Free from Self-Limitations
The earlier sections of this chapter review the many fears that arise when contemplating change , as well as the powerful beliefs and myth
s that support those fears.
Deciding to deal with depression requires courage, but avoidance results in you sabotaging and limiting yourself. Some people do (or not do!) anything to get away from the fear of working toward recovery.
Self-limitation is anything you do that prevents you from working on your depression and therefore reaching your true potential. You may be self-limiting if:
You find reason after reason for avoiding working on your depression.
You see your situation as hopeless.
You insist that there must be a perfect solution before trying to do anything at all.
You demand to see a guarantee of improvement before you take on the task of changing.
You just give up at the very first sign that things aren’t working out.
You repeatedly criticise yourself when you try anything at all, completely demotivating yourself.
Whenever evidence shows that things are a little better than you thought they’d be, you immediately discount and discard the data.
You wait for the ‘perfect time’ for making changes, which never arises.
You become confused, disoriented, or ‘out of it’ whenever you try to deal with your problems.
You repeatedly blame others for your situation, rather than looking at what you can do to solve your problems.
If any of the items in this list apply to you when you are thinking about working on your depression, you’re not likely to make any progress until you do something about your self-limitation.
Nearly everyone who has depression at sometime or other tries avoiding dealing with the problem and is also very self-critical. But it’s important to catch yourself in the act and then move on again.
The following sections show you how to move on and climb up and out of your depression. We discuss a number of ways of avoiding self-limitation, to start you climbing up that mountain. If one strategy doesn’t help particularly, try others.
Avoiding pitfalls
Pitfalls trap the unwary. Problems can increase rapidly and trap you if you can’t spot them. You therefore need to to recognise the signs that indicate your depressed mind is setting another trap for you, and pay close attention to your thinking.
Grab a notebook and start a ‘Self-Limiting Diary’. Write the days of the week in a column on the left. Then draw up a column on the right headed ‘Self-Limiting Strategies’. (See Table 3-2 for a sample diary.) Each day, write down anything you find yourself doing that keeps you stuck in depression and avoiding doing something about it. Looking back at the list of self-limitation strategies in the previous section may help you get started. When you see what you’re doing to limit yourself, you’re then more likely to be in a position to break out of the self-limiting pattern. Matthew’s story shows how this technique works.
Matthew’s misery lasts for over a year before he decides to do something about it. He goes to a psychologist who practises cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT). (See Part II for more information about cognitive therapy and Part III for behaviour therapy.) The psychologist quickly identifies that Matthew fears change and consistently sabotages his own recovery efforts. Matthew is late for appointments. His mind wanders when he tries to read self-help materials, he complains about how others treat him, and he insists that his therapist can’t do anything to help him.
Matthew’s psychologist helps him understand that his behaviour results in him digging an ever deeper hole for himself, stopping him from productively working towards improving matters. It takes some time, but Matthew eventually gets the point. Building on this understanding, his psychologist suggests Matthew keeps a diary of his self-limiting strategies. Table 3-2 shows Matthew’s results for the first five days.
Table 3-2 Matthew’s Self-Limiting Diary
Day
Self-Limiting Strategies
Monday
I stayed in bed for ages and was late for work – again! I lost track of time later in the day and missed half of my therapy appointment, leaving me only 20 minutes to deal with everything. Then I spent ten of those precious minutes telling my psychologist how hopeless I am. Not very helpful I guess.
Tuesday
My boss said I’d done a great report. I replied that it wasn’t really that good and then pointed out several mistakes. What good does that do me?
Wednesday
I got a speeding ticket. Then I told myself I was an idiot for letting that happen. My insurance may increase. Bet I’ll probably mess up other things too. I dwelled on the stupid ticket all day long and had an unproductive day at work. I guess that wasn’t too useful.
Thursday
I met Sheila last week, and she seems to like me. I really want to call her again, but found myself not doing so. Was she just being polite? Maybe she doesn’t like me at all? I started thinking I can’t stand any more rejection so I put off phoning her, though I’d told her I’d call. Where will that get me?
Matthew reviews his diary. He’s struck by how many ways he avoids productive work when it comes to dealing with his depression. He fears further loss and rejection, so he avoids taking risks, but this means he’s stuck in his depression. Being stuck means he is going to fail in finding a new relationship. When he hears something positive about his work, he refuses to believe his boss and actively disagrees. His self-criticism that follows only lowers his mood still further. And his insistence on his own hopelessness and helplessness just backs him farther into a corner.
Matthew’s psychologist helps him understand that he’s acting in a self-limiting way for a good reason – he’s experiencing the fear of change we review in the ‘Facing the fear of change’ section, earlier in this chapter. Tracking his self-limitation does seem to help Matthew tackle his problems. As he sees the innumerable ways he avoids efforts to recover, and how he’s maintaining his current depressed state, Matthew begins to recognise and avoid the pitfalls of self-limitation. Then, ever so gradually, he stops backing away from change, and starts taking action to resolve his problems.
If you find yourself avoiding and self-limiting, try keeping a self-limiting diary. But don’t use your diary as a trigger for self-criticism. Beating yourself up only aggravates self-limitation, by making you feel worse about yourself.
Suspending judgement
If you get stuck in the quicksand of self-limiting thoughts when reading this book or carrying out therapy, try suspending judgement for a while – just let it hang! Experiment with the idea that ‘just maybe’ therapy can work for you. While you’re suspending judgement, work as hard as you can at following the techniques that we describe throughout this book or that your therapist suggests.
Repeating positive, self-affirming statements can help you tackle self-judgement. Therefore, consider repeating one or more of the following statements to yourself on a regular basis:
What do I honestly have to lose by trying? I don’t have to tell anyone what I’ve been doing, so no one will even know if my efforts don’t work.
The only real failure is never trying.
Focus on progress, not perfection.
When I tell myself off, it really doesn’t help. I’m going to try to focus on what I do right more than what I do wrong.
Don’t judge, just do.
Going slow
You can also limit yourself in a rather surprising way – by working too hard and fast on your depression. Believe it or not, tackling your depression head-on at full speed can cause unexpected problems. Be sure to take it slowly. Going too fast sets you up for unrealistic expectations. Focus on small successes. If you happen to experience a big success, that’s great, but savour it a bit and try not to push full speed ahead for a little while.
You’re more likely to overcome your depression using a gradual, steady approach rather than going for broke.
Pacing yourself has another advantage – it can help keep you from feeling overwhelmed by the tasks at hand. Some people look at a book such as this one and notice that it contains more than 300 pages plus
loads of exercises. They then decide that they can never get through it all. If you think that you may not be able to get through this book, think about the following ideas:
You don’t need to read every single chapter and do every exercise to make significant progress. If a particular exercise doesn’t look that relevant to you, don’t do it! And certain chapters may not be important for you to read. For example, if you’re happy in your relationships, you can skip Chapter 14.
Overcoming Depression For Dummies Page 10