Practising active listening: This means asking questions to find out more and for better understanding. Focus on your partner, and show interest through non-verbal and verbal cues such as head nods, light touches on the arm, and brief comments such as, ‘I see,’ ‘Oh,’ ‘Uh huh,’, ‘Yeah’ and ‘Wow.’ You can also show you are listening carefully by demonstrating affection and approval. For example, you can say, ‘The way you’ve put that is spot on,’ or offer a hug if you see distress.
Avoiding giving advice: Don’t give advice unless your partner specifically requests help with an issue. And even if your partner does ask, keep it brief, and offer it merely as one possible option to consider.
Talking one at a time: Let your partner talk for 10 to 20 minutes, and then have a similar amount of time for your turn.
You may be surprised by how much The Daily News can improve your relationship – sometimes in just a few days.
Anna and Natasha have been together for eight years. Their relationship starts to suffer as a result of Anna’s depression. Anna is trying to cope with the menopause, complicated by her prolonged depression. Natasha, her partner, is still some years away from menopause. Although she sympathises with Anna, Natasha’s patience wears thin after months of withdrawal, moodiness, and irritability. The women, who were once almost inseparable, find themselves becoming more and more distant.
After Anna talks to a counsellor she realises that given her depression, it’s to be expected that she’s withdrawing from Natasha. The counsellor tells Anna about The Daily News technique – a tool she can use to fight her depression and hopefully improve her relationship. Anna values her relationship and is determined to make it even better. Despite feeling pretty unenthusiastic, she explains, ‘Natasha, depression’s threatening to come between us. I can’t promise instant recovery, but some positive time together can help. Let’s make a point of having a daily cup of tea and a chat together.’
Feeling relieved that her partner is making an effort, Natasha responds to Anna with renewed understanding and compassion. Their daily conversation becomes a habit bringing them back together – and remaining that way!
Defeating Defensiveness
When a relationship starts to fail, a person can easily get into the habit of assuming the worst about their partner. Potentially ambiguous or even caring statements are automatically interpreted as having malicious or hostile motives. Depression, with its inevitably gloomy outlook, can increase the frequency of assuming the worst.
And when you start assuming the worst, you then typically do something that’s especially self-defeating – you get defensive in response to the perceived attack. This defensiveness inevitably makes the other party hostile, even if it wasn’t their original intention!
Nigel notices that his wife, Shelagh, has been lethargic and depressed for the past few weeks. The bills that she normally has the responsibility for paying begin to pile up, and Shelagh, who is usually meticulous about her appearance, has stopped wearing make-up. Nigel cares deeply about her and is concerned that she may be ill. One Saturday morning, he approaches her and says, ‘Sweetheart, I’m worried about you. You haven’t been taking care of things as you always do. Are you feeling okay?’
Shelagh retorts sarcastically, ‘Great! You think I’m not doing my bit. Thanks for being so supportive. Here I’m doing my best, working ridiculous hours; in fact, all I ever do is work. On top of it all, criticism’s the last thing I need!’
‘Hang on a sec, Shelagh, I’m not being critical. It’s just that you’ve changed. You don’t seem to be your old self. I’m not trying to start an argument, I just want to help,’ Nigel pleads.
‘If you really want to help, just leave me alone. Can’t you see I’m pushed to the limit already? Of course some things aren’t getting done! I’m not a robot, you know!’ Shelagh stalks off in floods of tears.
So just what is a defensive response? Basically, anything you may say to get out of taking the blame or responsibility for a perceived criticism. Now you may well wonder what could possibly be wrong with that. You may indeed have done nothing wrong whatsoever. Well, defensiveness can be a problem for two reasons:
Defensiveness assumes without question that your partner intended to be hostile in the first place.
Defensiveness all too easily invites more more criticism and hostility.
So what can you do to keep from falling into a defensive, critical mode when you feel that your partner may have said something you found upsetting or disparaging? The following sections discuss two particularly useful strategies.
Checking it out
The best way to counteract malicious assumptions that lead to defensiveness is to use the Checking It Out technique. This two-step technique requires you to sit on your automatic assumptions while you quietly make a careful examination of your partner’s meaning and intentions:
1. Stifle your urge to get defensive or attack.
2. Make a gentle enquiry about your partner’s meaning and intent.
In the previous section, Nigel says to Shelagh, ‘Sweetheart, I’m worried about you. You haven’t been taking care of things as you always do. Are you feeling okay?’ Shelagh interprets Nigel’s comment as critical and malicious, and she retorts defensively and sarcastically. But it would have been better if Shelagh had checked out her assumption by saying, ‘Nigel, are you upset that I’m not doing enough? If you are, let’s talk about it.’
In this case, Nigel would probably have replied something like, ‘No, it’s not that at all. I’ve just been worried that you’re looking a little run-down lately. Tell me – is anything wrong?’
If you take the time to check out the meaning of what you think is criticism, you may well find that the intention isn’t nearly as nasty as you thought. Feeling a bit defensive when you believe that you’re being criticised is perfectly natural. But take a deep breath, and then check out your assumption before acting as if your assumption is true.
Occasionally, you may find that your partner has a genuine complaint. If so, try to stay non-defensive. Keep asking questions and consider using the techniques that we discuss later in this chapter to make your message more palatable and to defuse the situation.
Don’t attempt to use Checking It Out, or any of the other communication techniques we discuss later in this chapter, if you’re feeling angry, aggressive and/or significantly upset. If you rate your distress above 50 out of 100 the chances are seriously remote that you’re thinking anything that’s useful or productive. Take a break, and return to discuss the issue when you’re feeling calmer – perhaps in half an hour, a few hours, or even in a day or two. But don’t put off talking for much longer than that, because resentments may build up. Remember that taking time to get into a better frame of mind on your own isn’t a licence for avoiding communicating altogether.
Not taking things personally
When you take things personally you assume that your partner’s tantrums, tirades, and upset remarks are all your fault. For example, Patrick spills a glass of water on the computer keyboard, and his partner Bella explodes. Patrick, already deeply embarrassed by the accident, feels even worse about himself after listening to Bella’s outburst. Understandably, he assumes that Bella’s anger is wholly about him and his clumsiness. Not so. In reality, Bella comes from a highly abusive family in which minor accidents were treated as catastrophes. Shouting at Patrick (and others) is a habit she acquired long ago. Someone other than Patrick may have responded to Bella without seeing the problem as his, (not taking it personally) and even by showing concern.
Not taking things personally means figuring out when your partner’s reactions have less to do with you and more to do with the other persons history and upbringing that formed core beliefs about the meaning of certain types of events.
Everyone has core beliefs, formed during childhood, that continue to exert a huge influence on how they perceive and feel about events. (Refer to Chapter 7 for more information about core beliefs and h
ow they work.) Core beliefs lie behind your hopes, dreams, and fears – all the issues you have strong feelings about. And you don’t have to be depressed for one or more of these core beliefs to stir up a lot of emotion. Table 14-1 shows a few of the common core beliefs, or hot buttons, that can interfere with relationships.
Table 14-1 Relationship Hot Buttons (Core Beliefs)
Hot Button
What It Means
Common Origins
Vulnerability/ Pessimism
Expecting the worst and having serious concerns about issues such as health, money, or safety
An impoverished childhood, introverted parents, and traumatic events during childhood
Abandonment
Fearing that anyone close to you will eventually leave
A parent who was never there for you when needed, parents who divorced when you were young, and other serious losses of people close to you
Dependency
Thinking that you need more help than you really do
A parent who stepped in to help whenever things got frustrating, or critical parents who gave messages that you were incapable of doing anything for yourself
Perfectionism
A driving need to make everything you do perfect, or believing that something just isn’t good enough
Highly critical parents, who drive their children hard to achieve, or force their children to be highly accomplished.
Stanley grew up in a very unstable family, where money was always tight. He developed a core belief of there being little chance of happiness in this life and that no one could be trusted. Noreen’s father abandoned his family when she was 6 years old. Her mother then became seriously depressed and withdrew into herself. Noreen developed the core belief that anyone who loves her is eventually going to abandon her.
Stanley and Noreen are now married. Stanley arranges for them to have a joint credit card. He then discovers that Noreen spent slightly more money this month than their combined salaries can cover. He confronts her: ‘Noreen, we can’t afford to pay the credit card bill this month. We’re getting deeper and deeper into debt. If you keep this up, we’re going to end up being bankrupt! You’ve just got to stop this wild spending at once!’ Noreen begins to cry and sobs, ‘Fine, if you want a divorce, just do it now. I always knew this marriage wasn’t going to work out anyway!’
Are Stanley and Noreen crazy, or just irrational? Neither. Stanley’s exaggerated response stems from his childhood experiences, when his family often had to struggle to find enough money to feed themselves. His hot buttons now concern his insecurity and pessimism. And Noreen’s abandonment hot button stems from the actual loss of her father and the emotional loss of her mother. Both reactions may be excessive, but they make sense if you understand their backgrounds.
If your partner gets easily upset, distraught, or passionate about an issue, the chances are that one or more core beliefs are the underlying cause. Checking it out can help you find out which core belief may be affecting your partner’s perspective. You can start by determining your own core beliefs (see Table 14-1 and also go to Chapter 7). Strange as it may seem, one of your core beliefs may help explain why your partner’s feelings appear excessive or irrational to you.
Once you figure out which hot buttons are yours and which belong to your partner, you may find that you still disagree with one another. However, you can now see that many of the highly charged feelings aren’t really about you. Distance yourself from the hot buttons and don’t take it personally. Realise that the conflict is basically linked to your own or your partner’s early upbringing, rather than being about you personally.
Clarifying Communication
Poor communication can destroy your relationship, while effective communication can strengthen and deepen it. Having good communication matters most when talking through difficult issues and conflicts.
Communication techniques aren’t that difficult to master, yet some people are reluctant to use these techniques because sharing concerns can be incredibly difficult. But the alternative of attempting to squash and conceal problems only leads to resentment and hostility.
The following sections outline techniques for improving communication, which are particularly helpful if you’re suffering from depression. These techniques help you talk about difficult issues and cam prevent discussion deteriorating into conflict. Why not give them a try? They can improve your communication with friends, family, colleagues, and loved ones.
Taking ownership
When two people disagree, the language they use to express themselves can be violent and hostile. A simple technique called Taking Ownership can stop the disagreement from getting out of control. The idea is to disclose your own feelings, rather than accuse or criticise your partner. This technique is an alternative to using blaming messages. Table 14-2 shows some examples of blaming messages and their more productive Taking Ownership equivalents. Read the examples of both types of messages Then, when you feel tempted to blame your partner, try rephrasing what you are trying to say, and at the same taking ownership of your feelings.
Table 14-2 The Taking Ownership Technique
Blaming/‘You’ Messages
Claiming/‘Me’ Messages
You never show me any affection.
I wish you’d hug me more often.
You spend too much money.
I feel worried about our finances; can we talk about it?
You’re so critical about everything I do.
I feel like I’m not pleasing you.
You make me so furious.
I’m feeling angry.
You never do the things you say you’re going to do.
I feel unhappy when you forget to follow through on something you promised me.
Making the message palatable
Removing the unpleasant taste gives you a way to sweeten any distasteful messages. Making the Message Palatable involves finding ways to soften any criticism you want to get across. You add a phrase to acknowledge the possibility that your position may not be wholly correct. After all, how often can anyone ever truly be 100 per cent certain that they are right about the detail of a particular event? Pretty seldom, you’ll doubtless agree.
This technique offers the opportunity to discuss your concerns and opens the door to compromise. The following list provides some useful phrases:
‘It’s possible that I’m wrong here, but I’m worried that . . .’
‘I may be making too much out of this, but . . .’
‘Please correct me if I’ve got the wrong end of the stick, but I feel a little upset that . . .’
‘Help me see this from your perspective.’
If you use more palatable phrases before talking about your concern or criticism, your partner is going to be less likely to go into a defensive or attacking mode. The technique increases the likelihood that you’re going to be heard rather than dismissed.
Defusing situations versus being defensive
Applying Defusing helps prevent a criticism from escalating into a full-scale argument. This technique helps you deal with criticism (instead of being on the defensive or attacking the criticism). The Defusing technique is in effect the opposite of Making the Message Palatable (see the previous section). With the Defusing technique, you find something about the criticism that you can agree with. Apologising and acknowledging any truths in the disagreement doesn’t hurt, either. Here are some examples of responses you can use to help defuse an argument:
‘I’m sorry. I guess you may have a point there.’
‘I admit that sometimes what you say probably is true.’
‘I can see why you think that.’
‘I can agree with part of what you’re saying.’
Making excuses tells your partner that you care more about saving face than you do about your partner’s concerns. When you provide a partial agreement and make a sincere apology (Defusing), you show that you’re keen to heal your partner’s hurt feelings. When you make exc
uses, you demonstrate that you’re more interested in repairing your own ego.
Overcoming Depression For Dummies Page 32