by SL Harris
They tried to renew their interest in the music, but both were too distracted by their own thoughts after the revelations of the afternoon. Eventually, they ended up on the sofa, Rebecca sitting at one end with Olivia’s head resting in her lap. Rebecca absently played with Olivia’s hair, curling locks of it around her fingers. She carefully traced the lines of her face, trying to memorize every detail to carry home with her. Olivia stared at a spot on the wall in front of them, her mind apparently centered on the events of decades past.
They were both startled when Rebecca’s ring tone sounded. Aunt Patsy was finally shopped out. She offered to stop by Olivia’s apartment and pick up Rebecca, so Olivia took the phone and gave her the address to enter into her GPS. Olivia closed the phone and returned it to Rebecca.
“I’m sorry if today’s been sort of a bummer for you,” she said, placing an arm around Rebecca as she moved to sit close to her. “I’ll have to try and make it up to you somehow.”
This time when their lips touched, Rebecca felt more than desire in Olivia. Olivia’s pain at the denial by her grandmother was evident in her kiss. Rebecca responded carefully, holding Olivia tightly and allowing her to take from her as a bee takes nectar from a flower.
Rebecca felt Olivia’s need easing in the kiss and relaxed her embrace. She leaned back slightly to look into Olivia’s eyes. Tears welled in their corners, but some of the sparkle she loved was starting to return. “Will you be okay?” Rebecca asked. “If you’re not, I’m not going to leave. I’ll call Mom and Dad and see if they can come and get me in a day or two.”
“I would love for you to stay,” Olivia said, holding Rebecca’s face between her hands. “But I’m going to be okay. I know it’s a lot to ask to have your parents come after you. And we both need to study. I doubt if we would do that even if you had your books here. At least I’d have a problem concentrating on boring textbooks with you sitting across the table from me.” She smiled and gave Rebecca a quick peck then dropped her hands down to hold Rebecca’s.
“I want you to go home with Aunt Patsy like you planned. Maybe I can get some of this worked out this weekend with Mom’s help. Thank you though, for offering. You are a sweetheart, you know.”
“I can see how much this has upset you and I’d do anything to take that pain away,” Rebecca vowed.
“I believe that,” Olivia asserted. She leaned forward and kissed her again. No pain was evident in this kiss, only hopefulness and promise.
Rebecca reluctantly released her hands and stood to gather her things. Aunt Patsy should be there any moment. She saw her pull up to the curb in front of the building, turned to kiss Olivia quickly good-bye, then left as Olivia had asked before she could change her mind and argue to stay.
If Aunt Patsy noticed her niece’s subdued manner, she didn’t comment. She rattled on about her shopping exploits and Rebecca was glad she had little need to contribute to the conversation. By the time she reached home, she had never felt more drained.
When she stumbled into the house, her parents had just finished supper. Rebecca was too tired to eat and declined her mother’s offer of a sandwich.
She promised to catch her up on the day’s events the next morning, texted Olivia she had made it home safely, then went to her room. She stretched out on her bed fully clothed and was asleep the second her head hit the pillow.
Chapter Thirteen
Rebecca awoke feeling groggy and slightly disoriented. For a moment she couldn’t remember where she was and why she was still wearing her shirt and jeans. She stared at the ceiling and the fog slowly cleared from her thoughts. The events of the previous day replayed through her mind. Olivia sure had a lot of things to sort through. She didn’t envy her the confrontation she realized must come. She knew Olivia was determined to live her own life and wasn’t willing to hide her feelings from Grandmama any longer. Yet, based on what Eliza had disclosed, if Grandmama were to accept Olivia for who she was, she would have to overcome a lifetime of pain, pain from growing up with a distant mother and pain from the scandalous whispers of others.
Rebecca also wondered where her own feelings for Olivia would lead. Previously, they had flirted and found an obvious sexual attraction toward one another, but yesterday had been different. They had bonded on a different level, sharing a spectrum of emotions from pain to hope. Rebecca felt a growing love for Olivia and thought Olivia felt the same way toward her. Rebecca felt afraid to express it—she didn’t know what she would do if it wasn’t reciprocal. She tried imagining several scenarios for how the next few years would go and felt reassured that placing Olivia into any of them only made the future look brighter.
She realized that now was probably not the time to push Olivia about their relationship. She would have to be patient and allow Olivia to concentrate on her relationship with her grandmama first. Besides, this was Rebecca’s first love and her brain kept reminding her heart it was wise for both of them to go slow anyway. She hoped her heart was listening.
Rebecca heard her mother vacuuming in the hallway outside her bedroom door and grinned as she swung her legs over the edge of the bed. Her mother was a creature of habit and Rebecca knew this was not the time of day for her to vacuum.
“Wake up call?” she queried, as she trotted past her mother to the bathroom.
“Oh, I’m sorry. Did I wake you?” her mother asked just a little too innocently.
Rebecca knew her mother was expecting a full rundown of the previous day’s events, so she hurriedly showered and changed into fresh clothes. When she entered the kitchen, her mother was sitting at the table behind her newspaper. She couldn’t resist the barb, “Finish your vacuuming already?”
After filling her coffee cup, Rebecca sat down at the table and settled in for what she knew would be a long interrogation. Beth folded her newspaper and set it aside, giving Rebecca her undivided attention. Rebecca told her mother all she had learned the previous day. She knew her mother would treat the story as confidential. Beth was not a cog in the local rumor mill. There weren’t many around who would remember the Farthing family anyway, so the story certainly wouldn’t be much grist for the mill.
As she related the tragic tale, her mother expressed surprise and dismay. Rebecca watched her closely as she repeated the statement made about Olivia carrying on with a country bumpkin from a hick town and noticed the quick flash of anger. After she finished, she sat back in her chair and sipped her coffee, waiting for her mother’s response.
Rebecca’s mother reacted with understanding. “It must have been very difficult for Olivia’s grandmother when she was growing up. In that day and age, anyone who didn’t come from a traditional home could be treated very badly. And to make it worse her mother was unable to comfort and support her. She may not have even noticed her pain. That’s a lot for a child to handle. I’m not surprised she reacted the way she did to Olivia’s connection to a girl from Springtown.”
“I agree, Mom. It’s quite a mess. Olivia isn’t sure she’ll ever come around to accepting it. I don’t know what to do for her, how to help.”
Beth took Rebecca’s hand. “I may not know all the answers but Olivia is going to need time to heal. She’s going to need your support, especially if her grandmother persists in her rejection of her. Just be there for her, listen when she needs to talk and don’t push her to make choices she may not be ready to make. And if you need someone to talk to, remember, I’m always here for you. June told me you told her about you and Olivia. You know she’s there for you, too.”
Her mother looked directly at Rebecca as she spoke. “I know I haven’t come right out and said anything, Bec, because I didn’t want to push you to talk until you were ready. I can see you have some very strong feelings for Olivia.”
Rebecca nodded but didn’t speak.
“I don’t know how to ask this, Rebecca. Are you sure what you’re feeling is right for you? I mean, are you sure you’re…attracted…to women?”
Her mother’s voice had been gen
tle and hesitant. Rebecca knew in her heart she wasn’t really questioning her choices, only seeking confirmation, but it still stung a little that she asked.
She nodded and tried to look away, but her mother tugged gently on her hands. “You don’t need to look away. I’m not ashamed of you. I’ll always love you, for who you are, all of you.”
“Thanks, Mom. Not just for this morning. For letting me make my own choices. You know I love you, too.” Rebecca squeezed her mother’s hands in her own. She could see the love in her mother’s eyes and she remembered how Olivia described her mother’s reaction. Rebecca realized how lucky she was.
She studied her mother now, truly seeing this woman she had called Mom all her life, realizing how much she had taken for granted all these years. She was surprised at the signs of aging she hadn’t noticed. The graying at her temples was new—she was sure it hadn’t been there a year ago. The creases at the corners of her eyes and mouth were deepening and the reading glasses that used to hang neglected around her neck most of the time were finding their proper place perched on her nose more often now than not. Rebecca hoped her mother hadn’t hastened her aging by worrying about her but suspected she had.
Beth interrupted her musings, continuing in the same gentle tone. “I can’t say I understand the path you’ve chosen. It isn’t a turn I would’ve ever taken. After thirty years, I’m as head-over-heels in love with your father as I was the day I married him, possibly even more. I never experienced any of the feelings…” She paused and chose her words carefully. “I never experienced any of the feelings for the same sex that you seem to feel. But I do understand some things about my daughter. You are honest and sincere, compassionate and loving. You would not be trying this lifestyle unless you believed it was right for you. I don’t believe you’re capable of that much self-deception—”
“I don’t know, Mom,” Rebecca interrupted. “I think I’ve done a pretty good job at self-deception the past several years. Trying to be straight.”
“Bec, I’ve watched you struggle with something during all those years. I don’t think you were deceiving yourself as well as you thought or you wouldn’t have been struggling like that. This past month has been different—you’ve stopped fighting with yourself. You seem happier with being you. All I ask is that you follow your heart and remember to listen closely to what it tells you, not just about other people but about yourself, as well.”
“How did you get so smart?” Rebecca asked, teasing lightly as she stood. She leaned over to hug her mother. “You know, I am truly blessed to have you for a mother.”
“I am equally blessed to have you as a daughter,” her mother responded. “Now, enough of all this mushy stuff,” she said briskly, blinking suddenly to fight her tears. “Sit back down and tell me how you enjoyed shopping with Aunt Patsy.”
* * *
Olivia called that evening. She had met again with her mother but she reported no new revelations.
“I had a long talk with my mom today,” Rebecca related. “She feels as bad about it all as I do. You know if you need me for anything, I’m there. Or if you need to get away, you’re always welcome here.”
“Thanks. My mom is being really supportive, too. I think she feels guilty because Grandmama is reacting so harshly. I tried to tell her it’s not her fault but I think she still feels bad.”
“How is Grandmama?” Rebecca asked.
“Better. Mom thinks she’ll come home tomorrow. Mom plans to stay with her for a couple of weeks, maybe through Christmas. Dad’s flying home today.
“You know, I think we can find better things to talk about,” Olivia said, changing not only the subject but her tone. “So, how was the trip home with Aunt Patsy? I bet she talked your ears off and all about your favorite subject…shopping!” Olivia laughed.
“You’re as bad as my mother, tormenting me about Aunt Patsy.” Rebecca responded gladly to the change in tone, laughing and joking with Olivia for the next thirty minutes.
Chapter Fourteen
On Sunday, the world seemed to return to normal for Rebecca. She studied and helped her mother around the house. Her call from Olivia that evening was mostly upbeat. The only time Olivia’s voice showed any strain was when she related that Grandmama had returned home, but she still hadn’t seen her. Olivia’s mother had cautioned her to keep her distance. Grandmama had not calmed down any yet.
The following week went quickly and Rebecca was eager for the end of the semester. Olivia had seemed to brighten each evening during their phone conversations. But their remaining questions about the mysteries were no closer to being answered. Olivia’s mother had been there when she called Thursday evening and Eliza had asked to speak to Beth. When Rebecca and Olivia got their phones back, neither knew what had been discussed between the other two women. They weren’t sure they liked the idea of their mothers keeping secrets from them, but they were glad they had established some communication between them.
One more week of classes, then finals week, then freedom! Rebecca told herself as she headed home Friday after classes and work. That evening’s phone call was even lighter. Olivia teased her over the phone, reminding her of the tree she had pushed her against while she kissed her in the back pasture. By the time they ended their call, Rebecca was nearly as weak-kneed as she had been the day of their picnic. She slept restlessly that night, with Olivia filling her dreams.
* * *
Saturday morning, Rebecca was surprised when she entered the kitchen and didn’t find her mother at the table. Her paper remained folded on the side of the table where Rebecca’s father always placed it when he brought it to her each morning. When Rebecca turned from filling her coffee cup, her mother was entering the room with her purse and coat.
“Where are you headed so early on a Saturday morning?” Rebecca asked suspiciously.
“Groceries,” her mother said simply. “I’ll be back in an hour. You’re not going anywhere today, are you?”
“I planned on studying most of the day,” she admitted. “But if you need me to run an errand for you, I can. I’m really caught up on studying. I’m just trying to be sure I’m ready for finals.”
“Good. No, I don’t have errands for you. I’m just trying to keep track of you. ’Bye.” She grabbed the cup of coffee in the travel mug sitting beside the coffee pot and headed out of the room.
Rebecca looked at the receding figure of her mother in puzzlement. “Now what is she up to?” she said quietly. She walked to the front door to watch her leave. A sound from her dad’s recliner in the living room startled her and she nearly spilled her cup of coffee. She turned to see him sitting quietly, reading a farm journal.
“Good morning, Dad,” she greeted him. He was nearly always gone by this time of morning, preferring to get out early to check his livestock and machinery. Now she knew something was up. She sat down at the sofa, hoping to pump him for information.
“What’s up, Dad? Are we throwing a party or something? Someone forgot to let me in on it.”
“You’ll have to ask your mother,” he said noncommittally, not looking up from his journal.
“Okay.” She pretended to look at a magazine on the coffee table. “Are June and Kate coming over?”
“I don’t think so.”
Rebecca’s parents didn’t have company often so she wasn’t quite sure how to proceed with her questioning. Also, she knew her father could keep a secret better than most.
“How’s Olivia doing?” Her father’s question jolted her out of her pondering.
“Fine, I guess. Good. I talked to her last night and everything seemed okay.” Rebecca wasn’t sure what he knew about her and Olivia and wasn’t sure how much information she wanted to divulge. On the other hand, she knew she would have to talk to him sometime, so maybe today would be a good time.
“Uh, Dad,” she began hesitantly, unsure how she wanted to proceed.
At her tone he looked up questioningly from his journal.
“Dad, there�
��s something I need to talk to you about.”
He waited patiently for her to gather her thoughts.
“Um, I guess I should explain a few things about Olivia. And about me, I guess.” Rebecca was staring hard at the coffee table. Her mother was much more open with her feelings than her dad had ever been and she wasn’t sure how he was going to react to her news. “I guess I’ve always known I was a little different than June and Kate, but lately, I guess I’ve found out how different. Dad, I hope you’re not disappointed in me, but I think I like women.”
There, that was it. I said it.
She took a deep breath and waited for the worst.
Her dad was silent for a few minutes. She could feel him studying her but she still couldn’t turn to look at him. When he finally did speak, she jumped as if he had yelled, although his voice was calm and quiet.
“Rebecca, your mother and I have discussed this at length. I’ll admit I was surprised at first, but I guess it’s starting to sink in. You asked if I’m disappointed. The answer is yes, in some ways.”
Rebecca dropped her head down a little and he quickly added, “But not like you think. You see, when you were born I dreamed big dreams for you. I had my ideas of how your life would go. And, honestly, you dating a woman wasn’t something I ever dreamed of for you. But as a parent, you learn that your dreams aren’t as important to your children as helping them achieve their own dreams. So, yes, I am disappointed that my dreams are not your dreams. But, I’m not disappointed in you.” He watched to see if she would understand the distinction.
Rebecca nodded slightly, blinking back the tears, determined not to let them fall. “I guess I understand.”
“Rebecca, you are my little girl and no matter how old you are you will always be my little girl. My greatest wish for you is to be happy. I hope you can be happy with the choice you’ve made. I’m concerned that you’ve chosen a tough row to hoe. People, especially around here, aren’t really supportive of that kind of lifestyle, so you’re going to have some battles ahead of you. You’re old enough now that your mother and I are limited in the battles we can take on for you.”