by Robin Banks
As soon as the first song ends Alya magically appears at Raj’s elbow. I have no idea how she did that, because the dance floor is still packed solid. She’s dripping in sweat, and I’m not convinced it’s all hers, but she’s euphoric.
“Are you ok? We can go if you hate it.”
“I’m fine, princess. Go have fun.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes!”
When the music starts again she looks up at him wistfully until he pushes her off.
“Go do your thing! I’ll see you later.”
She beams at him, gives him a soggy kiss, and throws herself back into the mob. I can just about follow her passage by the sudden sideways movement of bodies. I bet that tomorrow some folk will find more bruises in their kidney area than they anticipated, though I guess if they’re here at all that’s a risk they’re willing to take.
Luke snaps back into himself when Alya reaches him, then drifts off again. They carry on dancing for the rest of the set. Alya comes back to snuggle up to Raj and take on fluids while the next band sets up. Luke stays right in front of the stage, looking like a marionette with the wires cut, until the music starts up again.
The next set is more of the same, and the one after that. I have no idea where Luke is getting the energy from. I have no idea if any of this requires energy: maybe he is connected to a source I’m not aware of. Maybe the music itself is powering him.
When the live music finally ends they put on some kind of recorded stuff. It’s quieter than the bands in every sense of the word: the volume is lower and the music is infinitely less aggressive. Most of the crowd clears from the dance floor, Alya included. She perches herself rather precariously on Raj’s lap. Although she’s disheveled and filthy, he seems delighted with the arrangement.
Luke stays out there, but he’s almost come back from wherever he’d gone. He’s just dancing now, or moving to the music, anyway. It’s hardly a feat of grace and coordination, but somehow it looks beautiful. Maybe it’s because he’s not trying to make it look like anything: he’s just feeling his way through it. Now that the throng has cleared off I can see him as clearly as I can sense him, and I’m awestruck. I really wish I wasn’t. Asher’s hand in my pocket feels like a lifeline to normality. I wish I could hug him, though; that might snap me out of this nonsense.
Alya looks up at Raj.
“I guess I’ll have to go and fetch the kid. I don’t think he’s going to come back of his own accord and this place never shuts.”
“Should he be doing all that? With his heart, I mean.”
“Heh. It makes him happy. That should help, unless it kills him.”
He hugs her and kisses her head.
“That is wonderfully Nietzschean of you, and not at all frightening.”
The floor is getting busier again. A bunch of people charged in and took over. Depending on one’s point of view, either they all look unique or they all look like they got their clothes and haircuts from an industrial accident. They’re dancing rather more enthusiastically than the average punter, though nowhere near as artlessly as Luke. One of them comes close – a tall, lithe figure with graceful limbs and a half-shaved head, who seems torn between hanging out with their associates and following the music. The longer they dance, the more their movements seem to match Luke’s. Their friends are getting rowdier, though, until they’ve got most of the crowd manically bouncing up and down. I’m glad Alya is out of there because it’s all getting out of hand. Someone is bound to get hurt.
I was hoping they would only hurt each other, but of course that kind of recklessness always spreads. When it finally happens I stifle a yelp: one of the bouncing guys falls into the tall one, who stumbles and whacks right into Luke’s shoulder. They both nearly topple over, which would have sent them under everyone’s feet, but Luke manages to catch himself and that other person. They stand in front of each other, Luke’s arms still on that person’s elbows. Next thing I know, the way they feel flicks suddenly from ‘startled’ to ‘horny as hell’, that person has their arms wrapped around Luke’s neck, fingers digging into his hair, and they’re sucking face. It’s all so sudden that it makes my head spin. It also makes me feel like I got punched in the dick, but I’m trying to ignore that.
At least I’m not the only one to be shocked. Raj leans forward so suddenly that he nearly drops Alya.
“Princess, are you seeing what I’m seeing?”
“I think so. She… He… They were in the second band, I think. Bass.”
“Now they appear to be halfway down Luke’s throat.”
“That does seem to be the case, yes. I’ll be damned.”
Luke and that person unlatch and get back to their dancing. They’re dancing with each other now, or at least at each other. Occasionally they collide, and then they melt into each other again. As the song plays on they seem to dance less and collide more, and by the end of it they are pressed against the wall, talking and kissing. Maybe ‘kissing’ isn’t the right word for it: it’s all a bit aggressive. I know I shouldn’t stare at them but I can’t turn away. It’s like looking at an accident, or a miracle.
After a few minutes of that Luke comes rushing up to us.
“Alya, so, yeah, if you guys don’t need me tonight, I’m gonna, like, go.”
Her eyes are huge with astonishment, but she keeps her voice steady.
“Sure. If you’re sure. Are you sure?”
“Yeah.”
“What’s your friend’s name?”
“Didn’t ask.” He shrugs and runs his hand through his hair. It does nothing to tidy it up. “I said we’re leaving in two days. Apparently that’s not a problem.”
“Alright. Have fun. See you in the morning?”
“Lunchtime, maybe? I dunno.”
Luke’s friend walks past him then and shoulders him again, nearly pushing him over. They flash him a smile over their shoulder on their way out. Luke looks at them and grins. He nods at Alya.
“Alright then. Later.”
And just like that he’s out the door, hurrying after them.
Alya’s jaw drops another inch. “He didn’t ask for a name?”
Raj squeezes her. “Do you remember when he used to fall in love with anyone who smiled at him?”
“Vividly. I guess this is an improvement.”
“I know I shouldn’t want or need to know, but was that a boy or a girl? Or neither?”
Alya sighs. “No idea. Stunning, though.”
They both look at me out of the corner of their eyes. I pretend I can’t see them. I hate this kind of thing. I am not the keeper of everyone’s gender identity, godsdammit. Asher senses my discomfort. His hand tightens in my pocket, then slides out. He gets up and waves us towards the door. We all get up and follow him out.
Raj takes Alya’s hand as they walk. I send Asher a little mental squeeze because I love him and because I need to feel him close to me right now. He half-grins at me and sticks his hand back in my pocket. I stick my hand back into his. It makes walking a bit awkward, but we don’t care. I don’t let go of him all the way home, and after.
We have a quiet morning. Although we all get up before lunchtime, everyone is either tired, dazed, or both, so we just hang around the kitchen until Raj gives up waiting for Luke and starts to cook lunch. Luke turns up when Raj is half way through and, for a wonder, doesn’t barge him out of the way to take over. He sits across from Alya and smiles at her instead. He looks happy. I guess I should have expected it, but it still hits me.
Alya smiles back at him, then goggles and squeals. “What in the name of all that is holy is that on your ear?”
“An earring. What else could it be?”
“Since when do you have your ears pierced?”
“Ear. Last night, or this morning. Jo wanted to give me an earring and it was a bit hard with my ear not having a hole in it. Now it does. Simple.”
“Oh-kay. Jo is your new friend?”
“Yeah.”
�
��Is that short for anything?”
“I didn’t ask. Probably.”
The conversation all throughout lunch is painfully stilted. Alya and Raj are clearly dying to know more about Luke’s new friend but don’t want to interrogate him. Luke is either oblivious to their curiosity or determined to thwart it. Asher has no tolerance for pussyfooting, so he stays out of it. I’d rather chew off my own foot than ask for any details and I can’t think of anything else, so I’m mostly silent.
As soon as we’ve finished eating, Luke smiles at Alya.
“Are you busy today?”
“Yes. More of the usual crap.”
“If you don’t have anything you want me to do, I thought I’d go back over to Jo’s house. They rehearse today. It’s not like they need another guitar, but I thought it’d be cool.”
Her jaw nearly hits the floor.
“You’re going to go and play guitar with a bunch of strangers?”
“Yeah. If you don’t need me. I can be back when you’re back.”
“Alright. We’ll be back for dinner. Have fun?”
“I will. I’ll catch you tonight. We still leave tomorrow?”
“That’s the plan. By lunchtime, all being well.”
“Ok, then.” He springs up from his chair and bounces off.
Alya stares at his chair until Raj grabs her hand, then she shakes her head and sighs.
“Huh. I guess that’s the performance anxiety over and done with.”
Asher chokes on his coffee. “Performance anxiety? But he played so well back home!”
“You missed the bits where he got the shakes and spewed up his guts before and after.”
“But he’s so good!”
“I don’t think that’s the issue. He used to be more relaxed about it when he was just starting out. At some point he just began to hate having anyone hear him and it all went downhill from there. He gets collywobbles even messing around with friends.”
“So why did he play at all?”
“Kolya asked him to. Had he known how badly it messes Luke up he probably wouldn’t have, but he doesn’t. Luke would do almost anything to make Kolya happy. I wasn’t going to stop it. I didn’t have the right to interfere and I never quite gave up hoping that just one good performance would snap him out of it. The gods know I tried just about everything else. More fool me: all I needed to do was take away everything he loved, rip him away from his life, and half kill him. I should have done it years ago.”
Raj leans over to kiss her cheek. “I know you’re being sarcastic, but looking at the results I am half tempted to agree. It looks like something in his head has come unstuck, in a good way. Are you ok with this?”
“Honestly, I have no idea. I’m happy for him. I’m also scared shitless, but that’s not news.”
“What are you going to do?”
“Nothing much I can do, is there? I’ll run a search of all communicable diseases on this damn station, blood-borne and otherwise, and make sure we’ve got up-to-date cures on board. I’m going to hope this doesn’t hurt him in any way I can’t fix. Beyond that, all I can do is be bemused and terrified. It beats being just terrified.”
“Ok. I’ll just pretend I haven’t seen elephants fly and get on with my day. Princess, he makes me feel old.”
“He makes me feel like a fossil.” She squeezes his hand. “Fuck homework. Let’s hit the town.”
“I have meetings to attend.”
“We can do both. We’ll meet quickly. You can take me out, get me day-drunk, and…” She looks at us and trails off.
Raj beams. “Quick meetings! I can do that! I got my spiel down pat. Do you want to bet on how quickly I can get in and out of a Fed rep’s office?”
She shrugs. “Why not? What are we betting?”
“We can work that on the way. I have a few ideas. Come on, skipper. Time to shine.”
I think I see him slapping her ass on their way out. He doesn’t get bludgeoned to death with his own severed limb, though, so I’m not sure.
I don’t have anything to do with my time, and neither does Asher. Normally it wouldn’t be a problem; we can find ways to keep each other occupied. Right now, though, even his company isn’t enough to distract me from my thoughts.
I’ve never had this much time with Asher. I have always shared him with Gwen, though that’s not an accurate way of putting it. A better truth is that I have always enjoyed his company and Gwen’s at the same time. We always had to work, and not just in order to buy things and be happy. We worked for our survival, often much harder than we would have liked to. When Mattie was born, she came first for all of us. Then Jojo came along, with all attending troubles, and we all had to make serious adjustments.
During the last year Asher has spent twice as much time with Osh than he has with us. That isn’t his choice nor ours: our time with him has dwindled as our shared life got bigger. The amount of attention he can dedicate to me and me only has dwindled too, because the amount of worries we carry has increased. I have never, ever resented that. I have missed him, obviously, because how could I not? But I have always known that wherever he is, whatever he’s doing, I sit in a corner of his heart as he sits in mine.
In the last weeks we have enjoyed an abundance of each other’s company. This has been more of a honeymoon than we’ve ever had a chance to take, and we’ve amply proved that we can’t get enough of each other. It has been heavenly, though nowhere near as good as being home with all our people. Yet, all the way through it, I have been a miser. Instead of focusing on the time and attention I was getting, I have resented every single moment he spent without me, every scrap of attention he gave anyone else. Even though I have had more of him than ever before, it hasn’t been enough.
I have been driving myself up the wall trying to work out why I was malfunctioning so badly. This isn’t who I am. This isn’t how I feel. I couldn’t work out where the spiteful, jealous, selfish hoarder of my lover’s time had sprung from, and how I could banish her back to the hell where she so clearly belonged. And I kept failing.
It turns out that all the way along I was looking at the problem precisely the wrong way round. I wasn’t jealous of Asher giving his time to other people: I was jealous of the time he spent with Luke. And even that wasn’t correct: I wasn’t jealous of Asher’s time going to Luke, I was jealous of Luke’s time going to Asher, of how well they were getting on, of how Asher could coax out of him smiles and even the occasional laugh. I was jealous of how Luke seemed to be so much more open and candid with Asher than he is with me. I was jealous of those blue eyes landing on Asher’s face more than on mine, and finding more pleasure there.
I couldn’t cure my feelings because I was distorting them. I was trying to solve the wrong problem. No wonder I wasn’t getting anywhere.
Now Luke is off somewhere giving himself to someone else. Maybe he’s giving them his all, letting them know and savor his body, heart, and mind. I know it’s not my business and if anything I should be happy, because Luke is in his own particular way my friend and friends should enjoy each other’s happiness, but the thought of it is eating at me.
I hate that Jo person. I want to be them. I want what they are getting. I want Luke to look at me, run towards me, and throw himself unguardedly into whatever may follow. I want all of him.
The best and worst thing about this is that Asher knows me, apparently better than I know myself. He saw this coming. He warned me about it, or towards it. Now all he can do is watch me go through it and be with me, which is heaven and hell at the same time. I shouldn’t put him through this, but I’m so glad he’s here. I wrap myself in his love and let go of everything else. I stop trying to control the world and my heart, to twist them into the shape I want them to be. I let weeks of denied emotions wash through and over me. Through it all, his love supports me.
Luke comes back for dinner as he promised. He cooks for us all and chats pleasantly enough with Alya and Raj, but he seems oddly subdued and even more distra
cted than normal. He hasn’t even taken his coat off. Maybe it’s just the comedown from the high of the last few days. Maybe I am just imagining it. When Raj tells him that they have to go out again for the evening he hardly reacts, but I can tell that he is relieved. I find that odd and concerning: he has been closer than ever to Alya since his little misadventure. The fact that I can tell that he’s relieved even though I’m shielding is also odd and concerning, but I am saving that concern for another time. My brain is full.
We all retire as soon as Alya and Raj clear off. Asher falls asleep almost immediately. I stay in bed watching him as long as I can; he looks so beautiful and so peaceful that it warms my heart to see him. I can’t settle, though, and I don’t want to disturb him, so I sneak out to make myself a drink. I don’t think a cup of tea is going to fix whatever is wrong with me, but at least it may stop me spreading it around.
When I get to the kitchen the light is off. I turn it on and nearly give myself a heart attack: I had assumed the room was empty, but Luke was standing in the corner by the sink. I barely manage not to scream before I recognize him.
“What the hell?”
He looks as startled as I feel. “What? Nothing. I was just… Nothing.”
As I move around the kitchen, he keeps turning around to face me. I am used to odd behavior from him, but not this odd. Then I notice that his shirt is torn: one shoulder is barely hanging on.
“What the hell happened to you?”
“Nothing. Why?”
“Because your clothes are in a state.” I look at him more closely. “And your neck is bleeding. What the fuck?”
“Nothing. I told you.”
“Nothing my ass.”