by Robin Banks
Asher smiles at me with the bottom third of his face, gives me a formal thank you, apologizes on behalf of Quinn, who is indisposed, and takes both their meals off to their room. I don’t think much of that until it happens the third time, then I collar him.
“Is Quinn alright?”
“She’s ok. Well, no, she isn’t, but she will be. She’s just taking the time to rest and recuperate.” He manages to look like he almost means it until our eyes catch. “Maybe she’s also not terribly keen on being around you.”
“What the fuck did I do?”
“Really? Do you want the full list?”
I look at the floor and the walls and the ceiling for a good answer, and can’t find one.
“Ok. You tell her… No, don’t. I’ll just get out of her way, ok? I’ll make sure of that. She shouldn’t be locked up in her room right now. She needs her friends and her life back.”
“And you don’t?”
“I’m not the one who got hurt.”
He shakes his head. “Then my judgment is poorer than I thought. I thought we all got hurt.”
“Some more than others. I don’t know. Just look after her, ok?”
“Always. And who’s going to look after you?”
I don’t have a good answer to that either.
We hang out near that fucking planet for a few days just to make sure we got the right guys. Everything fits but we have no real answers, and if we got re-routed by a random coincidence a second time it’d be fucking annoying. Nothing happens, though, so we start heading back.
It takes Asher a couple of days to get Quinn to come out of their room, and even then it’s only for short periods and she hardly speaks. She never smiles. She’s still recovering so I guess it makes sense. The other three, though, seem just as down. Looking at the way they carry on, you’d think the mission had been a failure or a disaster.
I don’t know what I thought the return trip would be like. I thought I would have croaked it by now so I figured it wasn’t going to be a party, but none of us died, we’re relatively ok, and we hopefully did what we came here to do. Everything is fine, but everyone is still fucking miserable.
I keep wishing for something, anything, to snap them out of it. As soon as I get my wish, I wish I’d had the sense to be content with nothing happening. I should have known better than to trust my luck: I’ve probably used it all up.
The messages start piling in as soon as we get in free-com-range with Pollux. The first one is from Gwen, which is normal, but she’s sobbing, which isn’t.
“Quinn, you’ve got to come home. You’ve gotta get here now. I need you. It’s Mattie. Asher, get her home. You all get home.”
Asher looks at Alya, his face rigid. “We could speed up some. Your ship could take it.”
“We can, but I think we should listen to everything first. It won’t take long and it may tell us something we need to know.”
A muscle twitches in his jaw as he nods. “Right.”
The second message is from Aiden, sounding more robotic than usual.
“Guys. Get home. Quickly. Not sure if you got Gwen’s message. Everyone is safe, but things aren’t good. Get here as quick as you can.”
In the third one, Gwen is calm but she looks worn out.
“Hi guys. Sorry about that. We’re ok. You still need to get here, but take it steady, ok? Mattie is fine. We’re coping. I love you.”
Asher looks at Alya. “Is that the lot?”
“Yes.”
“What’s the time stamp on these fucking things?”
“Six days from the first two, five from the last. Whatever it was, it was over quickly. What do you want to do?”
“Not my call. Not my ship.”
“Don’t be an asshole. You wanna hightail it back?”
“Yes. If it’s ok with you guys. I’ll fly safe, I promise you.”
“I’m ok with it if Raj is. This isn’t my ship either.”
Raj grumbles, “Don’t you be an asshole either, woman.”
Asher recalculates the course and leaves Alya to set it before going to see Quinn. When he does, I can feel Quinn’s reaction. If Alya and Raj do, they don’t let on. I don’t even wanna think about what that might mean.
The course Asher sets uses every bit of this ship’s capability. Even so, the trip seems to take forever. It’s made longer by the fact that everyone is still in a foul mood. We’re still not sure we did our job. We won’t know until enough death-free time passes. We don’t know what happened on Pollux. It all kinda sucks.
To make things worse, Alya is still not talking to me. Raj is making small talk, but I can’t tell whether that is because he’s not as angry at me or because he was raised too polite for his own good. Quinn still barely leaves her room and when she does she treats me with a politeness dripping in sorrow that I just can’t bear to see. I end up getting out of her way to spare my feelings as much as hers.
Asher talks to me the most, but I can’t really enjoy it. After days of looking at me as if I were an animal that could snap at any point, he comes to my room and gives me a little speech. It must have taken him a lot of work to put together because it sounds really fancy, but it amounts to him being very grateful for what I did and me being either so fucking clueless that I need professional help, or so suicidal that I need professional help. Either way, he thinks I really need to sort my head out starting from right this second, and if I disagree then I really need professional help. It’d be easier to hear him if I didn’t agree.
As soon as we get into range with Pollux our com starts to bleep. It’s not a recorded message: it’s Aiden and Osh, live on our screen, if fairly exhausted-looking. Asher rushes off to get Quinn over. I wonder about getting the hell out of her way, but when she gets to the bridge I don’t think she even sees me.
Aiden waves at them. “Hi guys. You’re ok. Everything is ok. Mostly.”
That doesn’t seem to reassure Quinn at all.
“What the fuck happened?”
“Mattie started screaming. Really upset. Went on for hours. Gwen couldn’t stop it. Then she calmed down. Said you were hurt.”
“She said what?”
“She could feel you. You were hurt. We thought you were projecting. Then she started feeling everybody. Some kind of psi-thing. Not just empathy. She talks to Jojo.”
“Jojo doesn’t talk. You know that.”
“Yeah. Still not talking. Telepathy, kinda. Mattie passes messages on. It’s cool. Not sure how it works, who is doing what. We tried to stop them. Didn’t want her to push herself. Didn’t work. Can’t tell her what to do.”
“No news there. She’s ok, though?”
“Yeah. Gets tired. Gets upset. Feels everything. No shields. We watch who comes to the house. She is ok. Still want you home. Both of you. Missed you. We all have.”
Asher turns around to look at Raj, who waves his arms wildly at him.
“What are you waiting for? Get on with it. Get home.”
Asher does his thing. It’s the fastest landing I’ve ever been in. I know it wasn’t a crash because we all walk out of an intact ship, but it sure felt like one at times.
We’re not even halfway down the tunnel when Gwen and Jojo meet us. As soon as they spot us, they start running up towards us and the guys run towards them. Gwen throws herself in Asher’s arms, Quinn picks up Jojo, and they all join for a group hug.
Quinn lets go way quicker than I thought she would and smiles at Gwen.
“Mattie is at home with Kolya.”
Gwen squints at him. “How do you know?”
“I can feel her. Gods, she’s strong.”
“She seems to be. That’s why I’m keeping her out of people’s way until we’ve worked it all out. Kolya has been really good with her. Better than me.” Her eyes are wet. “I’m too cranky.”
Quinn kisses her. “You’re perfect. I am never, ever leaving you again, but I’m going home now. I love you all so much.”
She hands Jojo ov
er to Asher and sets off running down the tunnel.
The three of them have another cuddle. When they let go, Asher turns back to look at us.
“What about you guys?”
Alya smiles at him. “We’ll go to Kolya’s. You’ve got enough on as it is.”
“Thank you. Seriously. We’ll catch up with you tomorrow, ok?”
“Or the day after, or the one after that. No rush.”
They wander off. It’s like the tunnel is sucking everything away from me. Quinn didn’t even look back – she just charged ahead to her home and her kid, which is precisely how things should be, precisely what I wanted. Prefuckingcisely. No idea why it sucks so bad.
Alya tugs at my sleeve. “Kid, you look stuck.”
“Yeah. No. I’m alright. I just need a moment, ok?”
“Sure.” She doesn’t look sure at all. “Shall we see you down at Kolya’s?”
“Yeah. Maybe.”
“Ok.” She’s nodding slowly and speaking quietly, like I’m really worked up and likely to spook. “If you need us we’ll be there, ok?”
I don’t know where I’m going or what I’m doing, just that I need some time to myself. I go back into the ship, because I can’t think of anywhere else to go. I nearly walk into my cabin out of habit, then I remember that two doors down is Quinn’s cabin. Quinn’s and Asher’s cabin. I could go there instead, curl up in their bed, right where they spent the last few weeks, and be a sad stalker of a third wheel who fucks up everything with everybody all the fucking time and has ended up precisely where he deserves to be, precisely where he tried to get to, and now can’t let go.
I go to my cabin instead.
I don’t get out for a whole day. Nobody comes for me. I guess Alya, Raj, and Kolya think that I’m at Asher’s and Asher thinks that I’m at Kolya’s. I don’t even try to kid myself that nobody gives a fuck: even if they didn’t care about me, which they do, they care about obligations towards guests. I stay put anyway, staring at the ceiling, fading in and out of myself, and no trouble comes from it. The way things are at the moment, it feels like a gift from the gods.
The second day I have to get out because Aiden turns up. He’s here to return the ship to its original state so the Anteians can’t copy his cloaking device. I pretend that I came over to pick up something from my room. Either he believes me or he doesn’t really care – either way, he doesn’t make any fuss about it. I don’t think the guy speaks enough to squeal on me, so I should be good, but I can’t just hang about here all day.
Forced out of my lair, I take myself for a walk. I don’t have anywhere to go and I don’t want to bump into people so I decide to walk the perimeter of the bubble. There’s not much in the way of buildings there. There’s not much in the way of anything at all. It suits me fine.
I regret it about ten minutes into it: it’s bloody hard work. They started the development around the spaceport and the center of the bubble and never got very far with it. The area nearer the port is littered with the foundations of never-completed buildings, which are eerie as fuck, but beyond there there’s just a load of nothing. Uneven nothing, damn hard to walk on, but nice all the same.
It’s been years since I’ve had the room to go for a proper walk, to get far enough to feel that I’ve gotten somewhere. When I get to the opposite end of the bubble from the spaceport I sit and stare at the world outside the bubble. In the distance I can see black silhouettes that look like mining gear, and further beyond the wrecks of the other two bubbles, mangled structures clawing at the sky. That’s eerie as fuck, too. It makes me remember how little it’d take to kill us all, how thin a line between life and death we always walk. In a bubble or on a ship, it’s all the same: we’re inches away from death.
I carry on hiding and walking for another couple of days. It should give me a chance to get over shit, but it doesn’t seem to be helping.
I get caught three days into it. A ship flies in just as I’m getting back. I don’t take much notice of that. I know it can’t be Asher because he’s not due back from his patrol, and nobody else here would care about what I’m up to. Next thing I know, I bump into Aiden at the top of the tunnel. He looks much more animated than I’ve ever seen him, practically bouncing on his feet. He looks straight at me with a giant grin, too.
“She’s here.”
“Who?”
“Sasha. She’s back.”
He doesn’t seem to mind me being here but I still feel in the way. I can’t make myself scarce until the tunnel opens, though. When that happens, I still can’t go anywhere, but that’s because my legs won’t move.
A bunch of people come off the ship, looking like generic humans. Then there’s her. She’s nearly as tall as Aiden and nearly as built as he is, too, but her shape is way different, all in-and-out bits and curves. It’s like one of those statues from Alya’s books that used to hold up buildings or be at the front of ships came to life and decided to roll in. Then there’s her smile. She’s smiling at Aiden like he’s the happiest sight she could ever see, like he’s her home and she’s back and everything is perfect. She’s not even pretty: she’s something else entirely, and she feels so good, too, like nothing bad could ever come from her.
She gives me a quick smile that makes me feel all squiggly inside, strides towards Aiden, and opens up her arms. Aiden wraps himself around her and seems to melt into her. She squeezes him hard, then pushes him away slightly and smiles right at him.
“I spoke to Osh on the way in. You took such good care of our son. I am so, so lucky to have you in my life.”
Her voice is like, I dunno, it’s like soup when you’re ill: it makes you feel all cared for and warm inside, and you know it’s good for you, too. I wonder if she sings. I hope she does.
For a moment I’m really, really jealous. That makes me feel dirty, but I can’t help it: the feeling just runs all the way through me and fills me up. No wonder Osh is such a sound kid. I wish she was my mom, too.
Aiden melts back into her, lets off a deep breath, and I can see most of the tension leaving his body, like she’s just taken a huge load off him. I guess she has. They hug for the longest time. I realize way too late that I’ve been staring at them, which is really not right, and try to slink off without them noticing. I fail. She turns her head around to look at me and my legs seize up again.
“You must be Luke. I’ve heard a lot about you.”
She says it like it’s a good thing, like she liked what she heard and she’d like to hear more. My tongue decides that the correct response is to glue itself to the roof of my mouth. I nod.
“Are you coming over to our house?”
I nod. I have no idea why, because I don’t want to go. I want to go where she’s going but I know that’s a bad idea. Going to that house is even worse. It doesn’t matter anyway: I nodded and now I can’t take it back.
Her smile gets bigger. “Ok, then. We’ll wait for you.”
Wait for me? Wait for me to do what?
I manage to get my feet unstuck, walk into the ship, pick up the first piece of random shit I find in my room, and walk out again. They’re still hugging, eye-to-eye and nose-to-nose, and Aiden looks so happy it makes me want to sit down and cry. If this is what it’s like when she comes back, I guess it makes sense that they can bear to part.
They split apart when I get near them, and I feel like an asshole. Then she smiles at me and I feel great again.
“Do you play?”
I look down. My guitar case is in my hand. Judging from the weight, the guitar is inside it. I nod.
“Wonderful! Maybe you can play for us later?”
I can’t even nod at that. She doesn’t seem to mind. We walk off.
I don’t start to feel worried until we get within sight of the house, then I remember: maybe I’m not welcome here, what with Quinn hating my guts and whatever is going on with Mattie. I want to turn around and bolt, I want to get far enough from here that I can start forgetting that this place exists, but
I also want to see the end of the story. I want to see Quinn home. I want to know that it was worth it, that however I feel about it doesn’t matter because she got her happy ending.
I carry on walking towards them all, even though my stomach is starting to cramp up. If Mattie wasn’t up to having me around, Aiden would have said something by now. Same if Quinn vetoed my presence. I can always fuck off, anyway. I’m good at that.
When we get there it’s obvious that I was worrying over nothing. As soon as Gwen has finished squeaking at Sasha’s arrival she gives me a massive hug – well, a small hug, really, because she’s nearly as small as Alya, but a tight one.
“I’m sorry I haven’t had a chance for a proper greeting and a proper thank you. I’d like to say that we’ve been busy, but actually we’ve just been self-indulgent. It’s been so nice having the guys back home. I hope you’ve not eaten yet. Come on!”
And just like that I get thrown headlong into things. There are kids to entertain, food to cook and eat, stuff to clear up, and everything is chaos and wonder. When Quinn rolls in with Mattie just before dinner I’m about ready to drop everything and run for the nearest exit, but after a few moments she smiles at me and gets on with her stuff. It’s not much of a smile, small and a bit wonky, but it’s better than her chasing me out of the house brandishing a ladle, so I take it.
After everyone has been fed and watered the kids look snuggly and the grown-ups look exhausted, so I decide it’s best if I get myself out of the way. Nobody fights to keep me there, but Gwen walks me out.
When we get to the porch she sits down and taps the seat next to her. I really wanna go back to the ship, process this evening, and probably never come out again. She’s looking worried, though, so I sit next to her.
“I don’t suppose your people have told you what we found out about those guys who grabbed Quinn.”